Thursday, August 1, 2013

Sliding Doors

After trudging through Fast Five I thought it was high time I wrote about a movie that I actually legitimately like. Luckily, I legitimately like a lot of movies that are not necessarily actually good. Without further ado, I give you:

We open on your typical “this movie is set in London” establishing shots of Big Ben, bobbies and buses. “Funky” music that leaves the viewer with 0% doubt that this movie was made in the '90s plays in the background. We get our first glimpse of our leading lady, Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow (who was apparently feeling very British in 1998, also the year Shakespeare in Love was released), rushing to get ready for work and spilling tea on a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. I think if they really wanted to sell her Britishness to us it should have been The Canterbury Tales or an issue of OK!, but what do I know.

She wipes off her book, puts it in her boring sensible businesslike purse and kisses her sleeping boyfriend, whose eyebrows rival those of Peter Gallagher himself, on her way out the door.

But it turns out Eyebrows was only feigning sleep and waiting for Gwynnie to leave, as he immediately pops up and takes the phone off the hook and hops in the shower when she's gone. TROUBLE IN PARADISE???

As Gwyneth heads to work, a jovial old sandwich shop owner already has her sandwich ready as she approaches and is waiting outside the door of his shop with it as she comes up. That's not at all creepy.

Despite all the rushing about, she's late to work which we know because she power-walks through the office saying “Shit, shit, shit, shit” to herself before heading into a conference room full of grim-faced white dudes. She apologizes for being late, but they skip the niceties and go straight to accusing her of stealing the company liquor. 

She explains that she “borrowed” four bottles of vodka from the office for her birthday party and that she brought some to replace what she took, and they give her some bullshit about not having had anything to offer some client who came in over the weekend. Gwyneth is like “It's always a smart idea to keep a case of Absolut Crystal in your platinum desk safe in case of unexpected visits from important clients. It's a steal at only $1,000 per bottle, and will show your client that you care without being too ostentatious. Didn't you get my newsletter?” They're just like “Bitch, you're fired.”

She congratulates them on finally getting rid of her after wanting to for so long, and then makes an awkward joke about how she would have grown a penis if she had worked there much longer. Because this was the '90s, one of the dudes says “Told you. Lesbian!” as though that makes sense and/or is funny.

Meanwhile, back at home, Eyebrows has been joined by a ladyfriend who is definitely NOT Gwynnie, and who definitely IS doing a striptease. Who is this harlot? Why, it's Barb from Big Love! But now she's playing the Bitchy American Manstealing Power-Trollop.

Unaware that such shenanigans are going on at home, a very dejected Gwyneth gets on the elevator. Her earring falls out, and a squirrely-looking dude nicely picks it up for her.

We have now reached the CRUCIAL MOMENT of the film. Gwyneth is on the moving walkway at the tube station and hears a train approaching. The entire crisis of this movie could have been averted if she had not been doing what I consider one of the top ten most annoying things an able-bodied adult human can do in a public space (standing still on an escalator or moving walkway as though it was built for people who are too lazy to walk, rather than as a device to help them move more quickly). But I digress. She runs toward the tracks and we find that the entire course of her life depends on whether a woman pulls her daughter out of Gwyneth's path on the stairs.

We first see Universe One, which I will refer to as “GOOP,” in which poor Gwyneth misses her train. As the train pulls out of the station, there is an announcement saying basically that there will be no more trains for a hundred years so you better find alternate means of transport, suckers! She goes back outside and tries to catch a cab, but unfortunately the worst mugger of all time attempts to grab her bag and fails miserably just as her cab is pulling up. He does manage to knock her head into a tree, so the kindly old cab driver takes her to the hospital.

Then, we literally rewind Gwyneth's trip down the stairs, and enter Universe Two, or “POOG,” in which she gets on the train by sticking her arm in the closing doors and forcing them open.

She sits down next to the chivalrous earring-retriever from earlier, while a proto-hipster sitting on his other side is annoyingly singing along to whatever he's listening to on his discman. Gwyneth is about the most relatable she'll ever be by making a bitchface while studiously ignoring him.

Her elevator buddy finds it hilarious though, and commits a huge social sin by trying to make conversation with the guy about how whatever the song is stole its lyrics from the Beatles. He makes this face:

Elevator guy then turns to Gwynnie to ask her opinion about Beatles-Lyrics-Gate, and the only thing that makes this forgivable is that he has revealed that he has a VERY nice Scottish accent. And we all know that the right accent covers all manner of sins. Gywneth is not having any of it though, and says she doesn't know if they're Beatles lyrics. Chatty McGee says that everybody is born knowing all Beatles lyrics, and that they should in fact be called “The Fetals” which is funny, but there's a time and place for zygotic punnery and talking to strangers on public transportation is NOT it.

She just ignores him, but he can't take a hint and is like “How come nobody ever talks to each other on the tube? People r strange. Oh look your book is covered in tea! How strange LOLOLOL!” She is like “Listen bro, I'm attempting to read To Kill a Mockingbird right now because apparently I am a high school freshman, so shut up and leave me the f alone GEEEEEEEZ.” He's like “Oops sorry I get it, I'm just having a good day and am the most cheerful man on earth. Hey wait, have we met?” She manages to roll her eyes and raise her eyebrows at the same time, but he says he remembers now that he picked up her earring in the elevator earlier. He asks if she works in that building and she says “NOT ANYMORE; HOW DOES THAT FOOT TASTE?” He finally wises up and stops talking. He is abashed enough that he warns her that he's getting off at the next stop so she doesn't think he's following her if she's getting off too, which of course she is.

For some reason she feels guilty now and runs after him to apologize and says she's not good at talking to strangers. He introduces himself as James, but since he's in some ways an older and more Scottish version of John Cusack in Say Anything, he'll be known as Lloyd McDobler from here on in. They start walking together and Gwyneth's version of small talk is to awkwardly say “I live with someone! A man! I live with a man!” He's like “OMFG what would he think if he knew you were walking and talking with a strange man right now???”

Speaking of Eyebrows, he is currently listening to “Bennie and the Jets” and making out with Barb. They are also having the least sexy and most expositional conversation of all time, in which they talk about how he used to date her before Gwyneth came along, but then she went back to America for three years and Barb is like “How dare you not wait around for me all that time? LOL JK but not really?”

Gwyneth and Lloyd McDobler finally part ways, and he says he's sorry about her job, but that she should always remember what the Monty Python boys would say. She assumes that he means “Always look on the bright side of life” but instead he offers this nonsequitur: “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” This will be repeated almost as often as the “Your suitcase's name is Louis” joke from Leap Year but somehow doesn't get old quite as fast. Maybe because it's just weirder. Anyway, Gwyneth is in a much better mood now because I think it's probably impossible to be around Lloyd for more than two minutes without either bashing him over the head with a frying pan or catching excessive cheerfulness.


Gwyneth tries to call Eyebrows to pick her up from the hospital, but he is now having a post-coital shower. “Bennie and the Jets” is somehow still playing so either that song has a lot more in common with “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” than I ever realized or Eyebrows is a very unimpressive lover.


Having caught her train, Gwyneth gets home early enough to catch Eyebrows and Barb in flagrante.

She stands calmly in the doorway and says “I didn't think you liked Elton John.” He says “I do sometimes.” Then she slaps him repeatedly and calls him a “useless shagging bastard” because this movie is rated PG-13 so she can't say “fucking” and Americans will just accept that that is something British people say because we are dummies.

Gwyneth starts yelling at Eyebrows in a much more expositional way than before (“I'm working all hours to support you while you're supposedly writing your first novel!” etc.). She grills him for a while about how long it's been going on and is he in love with Barb and how much of an idiot is she etc. etc. but he just stands there wrapped in a blanket, looking a fool.


Gwyneth takes a cab home from the hospital just as Barb is leaving. Eyebrows is now in the shower, and a different Elton John song is playing. Gwynnie comes in and asks if he just woke up and he starts rambling nervously about how he didn't sleep well so he woke up and had a drink and then went back to sleep. There's then a “hilarious” slapsticky scene where she tries to tell him about getting fired and mugged, but he gets distracted when he notices Barb's earring on the bed and leaps over to hide it, pretending he wants to turn off the music because he hates Elton John (whoever wrote this movie had a lot of feelings about Elton John apparently). Then he sees the two brandy glasses sitting out and runs over and knocks one of them into the laundry basket. Gwyneth is like “Are you high?”


Gwyneth dramatically stands on a bridge weeping, and throws a ring into the water with a cavalier disregard for the ecosystem.


Finally having gotten a chance to explain what happened, Gwyneth tells Eyebrows that if she had only caught the train, everything would have been fine. He freaks out again like “DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!” as though through the power of wishing she could make it so. He is a real head case.

He overcompensates for his own fuckery by going into Great Boyfriend mode, getting her ready for a night of heavy drinking and Indian food. She's like “U R the best, Eyebrows. ILU 4ever.”


Eyebrows is trying to find Gwyneth, presumably to stare at her with puppy-dog eyebrows not saying anything until she spontaneously forgets that he's a dickbag, and goes to her best friend's house. Her best friend (Anna) is so '90s it hurts.

Anna says Gwyneth isn't there and asks what he did to piss her off. Eyebrows is like “Um... I don't... know? Pretty please tell me if you see her.” Anna is like “Girl please, I don't take orders from you.”

Meanwhile, Gwyneth is sitting at a bar by herself, smoking and getting crunk. It's so weird to me that there was ever a time that people could just smoke in bars and restaurants.

Eyebrows is now also at a bar with his own best friend, Russell. Russell is my favorite because all he does in this movie is give Eyebrows a hard time and laugh directly in his face. Also he is wearing a Canadian tuxedo. He's like:

Eyebrows is like “But I don't understand why this happened to me!!!” Russell says “You've been whining to me for weeks about how much it sucks having two girlfriends and how you can't choose, and I told you something would happen to make the choice for you. And now it has! In your face LOLOLOLOL!”

Gwyneth is still drinking alone when Lloyd McDobler comes into the bar with his friend Clive. They're having a boring conversation about Clive trying to get publicity for the restaurant he's opening when Lloyd spots Gwynnie and goes over to talk to her. She is clearly in a black hole of despair, so he reassures her that she'll find another job, but she's like “Guess what happened since I last saw you? I caught my useless shagging bastard boyfriend shagging this shagging slag!”

Lloyd calls Eyebrows an idiot and tries to comfort her by telling her how pathetic his buddy Clive is because of something about owning crocodile-skin luggage and watching Baywatch which for some reason makes Gwyneth LOL. Probably because she's drunk. Anyway, Lloyd leaves her alone and says she can join them if she decides she wants company.


Apparently Gwyneth's #1 Depression Hotspot bar from POOG-land is also where Eyebrows decides to take GOOP Gwyneth to drink beer and whiskey until she forgets how shitty her life is. In this universe Lloyd McDobler is also there, but in this reality they are just Craigslist Missed Connections and she brushes past him as they leave the bar.

At one point Barb calls Eyebrows to talk about how great it was Doing It with him earlier, but he pretends that it's a wrong number and hangs up on her. Why did you even answer the phone in the first place, dummy?


Anna turns up to haul Gwyneth's drunk ass home. Lloyd and Clive are leaving too and offer to share their cab with Drunketh and Anna. Gwyneth insists that she is not as drunk as “thinkle peep” she is which is one of those jokes that is so dorky in a very '90s way that I forgive it for being stupid.


Eyebrows is force-feeding Indian food to Gwyneth, who protests that she can't eat it.


Anna manhandles Gwyneth into bed and teases her that Lloyd McDobler has a Lloyd McBoner for her. She says he was just concerned, and because Anna is the stereotypical “homelier yet randier best friend of the heroine,” she says that if Lloyd was that concerned about her, she'd be helping HIM into bed.


Eyebrows manhandles Gwyneth into bed but without any snarky commentary. He then goes into the bathroom and gives a very disturbing speech to himself in the mirror about how there are two things he's worried about: 1. He almost got caught being a cheating cheater, and 2. He's talking to himself again which is, in his own words, “a bad sign.” I wonder if there is a prequel to this movie about Eyebrows's struggles with mental illness.


Gwyneth is hungover dot com. Anna gives her what looks like a glass of milk but is probably supposed to be one of those magical “only in the movies” hangover cure concoctions with a raw egg and Worcestershire sauce in it or something. She gets into the shower and goes pretty much into a catatonic state, so Anna bursts in on her and pinches her nose to wake her up. Every time I watch a romantic comedy I have to play this game with myself where I try to decide if these are things that other women actually do and I'm just a weirdo, or if the movie is ridic. I'm calling ridic on this one because if my friend ever burst in on me in the shower I would karate chop her face without hesitation.


Pretty much exactly what just happened with POOG Gwyneth except Eyebrows is attending to her.

Later that day she looks through the classifieds for a new PR job, but either the positions have all been filled or Emily Thorne has gotten revenge on all of them.

She tells Eyebrows that she'll have to find a part-time job and he throws all of his papers in the air because he is a stable adult human.


Anna tells Gwyneth that she needs a new look so that people can tell the difference between her and GOOP Gwyneth once the bandaid comes off her face to signify the beginning of a new phase in her life.


Gwyneth is now a waitress at what is apparently the only bar in London, but it's still not enough to make ends meet, probably because Eyebrows doesn't have a job because he is a “writer.” She get a delivery job at the sandwich shop from the beginning of the movie. She now wears her hair in braided pigtails probably just to make her look EXTRA frumpy compared to...


Ultra-glam Gwyneth with her asymmetrical blonde pixie cut!


Even though she is so frumpy and brunette, a sleazy guy at the restaurant tries to hit on her while she takes his order by asking what she does when not “serving Mad Cow burgers” (#1998jokes) to assholes like himself. She gives a speech that in the real world would get her fired immediately about how when she isn't there, she's delivering sandwiches and gets home at midnight and if she's not too tired gives a BJ to Eyebrows. Dude is like “TMI, lady.”


Nine days after the breakup Gwyneth decides she is over Eyebrows now (in her own words: “Bollocks to him!”) but Anna is like “Girl, please. You are still obsessively waiting for him to call and reading his horoscope every day hoping that it will say he's going to die in a horrible accident.” She says that she just wants him to call and admit that he's a twat (her word, not mine) and tell her he wants her back, presumably so she can have the satisfaction of rejecting him, but Anna isn't having any of it.

Just as Anna is joking that Eyebrows's horoscope for the day says that he will die in a freak napalming incident, the doorbell rings and Gwyneth is like “OMFG the moment has arrived!” She goes downstairs to answer it, saying “Bollocks to him” to herself with every step, but is disappointed to find that it's not Eyebrows, but Lloyd McDobler.

He takes her out for a milkshake at a diner and they are having the BEST time!

He tells her he likes her hair. She thinks he's joking but he says that he knows better than to ever joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles. When I get nostalgic about the '90s and idealize them in my head, I really need to start reminding myself that this would have been considered a funny joke then.

Anyway, Gwynnie says that she shouldn't be there because it isn't fair to Lloyd because she's under the impression that they're on a date. She says that he's nice and funny and Anna thinks he's cute, and he goes on this cute fake rant, like “ANNA thinks I'm cute! WTF am I out with you for then?” before explaining that he just wanted to take her out to cheer her up because he was thrown into her life in a moment when she needed it. Normally I would say “Give me a break” but he is sincerely charming and something about his accent makes me just accept this silliness.

She feigns offense when he admits that his job of Official Gwyneth Cheer-Upper is made easier by the fact that he finds her “moderately attractive” but she is clearly charmed. He asks what she's doing next Saturday. She says “Probably killing myself” and he says “Excellent, when does that finish? Do you like boats?”


Apparently the answer is “Yes, maybe TOO much” because in GOOP-land she and Eyebrows just Got It On while watching a movie about boats. She tells Eyebrows that it's been two months since they last Did It and he's like “No way, can't be.” He's probably thinking of his other girlfriend.

And now randomly, two months after the fact, Gwynnie decides to ask how one of her brandy glasses got into the laundry basket. Either she doesn't do laundry very often or that has been stewing for a while. Anyhow, Eyebrows predictably has a minor meltdown about it, going from zero to “OH SO BECAUSE THERE WAS A GLASS IN THE LAUNDRY I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR, AM I??? WAY TO SPOIL OUR ROMANTIC MOMENT, YOU JERK!” and it's like dude, if ever there was a way to make your girlfriend sure that you're having an affair, this is it. But I think that GOOP-land Gwyneth has been taking stupid pills because she's just like “Geez, calm down. It's just a question.” He tells her that Anna probably put it there at her birthday party because she's such a crazy lush or something.


Lloyd drops Gwyneth off and she says she's sorry if he had a bad time because she was such a Debbie Downer. He's like “PSHAW! I got to drink two milkshakes, I'm good.”


Scandal! Barb orders sandwiches from Gwynnie's shop. Is this just a crazy coincidence, or is she even more conniving and evil than we thought? We'll have to stay tuned to find out (It's the latter).

When she goes home, Eyebrows is on his way out to “the library” which is code for Barb's lady-parts. After his meltdown the other night, Gwyneth is suspicious and decides to follow him.

He of course notices immediately and actually goes to the library to throw her off the scent. He calls Barb from the library and says he can't meet her and she yells at him for being a spineless d-bag. One wonders why both of these seemingly strong, intelligent women are with such a weasel. She shouts that she already booked their hotel for an illicit lovemaking holiday in Dorset and asks if she should cancel it. He says no.


Gwyneth is hanging out in Anna's kitchen when she brings the last load of her things from Chez Eyebrows, telling her she's now officially moved out. The phone rings, and Gwynnie thinks it's the follicular marvel himself, but once again it's Lloyd McDobler checking in. He invites her out to dinner with him and his friends, but quickly ends the call when a MYSTERY WOMAN comes in.

They have a cryptic conversation about his mother being frail and the lady asks if she should postpone her trip until whatever is going on with Mrs. McDobler is sorted out. He says no, and then goes out to the garden to talk to his mom who curiously has a very posh English accent rather than a Scottish one to match her son's. But we Americans can't tell the difference as long as they all sound funny, right? Cool. She's sad because I guess she has to move out of her classy country house and into a nursing home in London, but Lloyd comforts her by saying she can get much better crack in town.


Eyebrows is out with Russell and once again whining about his lady problems. Russell is like “Let me see if I have this right. Your live-in girlfriend is working two shitty jobs to support you while you fuck around behind her back. You are planning to go to Dorset with your awful mistress presumably using Gwyneth's money. And now you say you're having a moral dilemma?”

He concludes by saying that if he wants to break up with Barb he's going to have trouble because he is the biggest coward of them all. Eyebrows is like “Whytf do I even talk to you about this shit when all you do make fun of me?” and Russell is like “Because we're BFFs and I'm here to help you!” but he can barely say the whole thing before he LOLs at his own funny joke for a very long time.


Also LOLing are Lloyd and Gwyneth in POOG-land. They are eating at Clive's not-yet-open restaurant and everybody is laughing uproariously at Lloyd acting out the “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” thingy he's so obsessed with. Gwyneth is so impressed with him that they make flirty eye contact across the table.

After dinner, Lloyd walks her home and he tells her she should set up her own PR company. She's like “Aw shucks, a girl like me, run her own company?” They have a Moment when they get to the door, but he just kisses her on the cheek and says goodnight.

Empowered by her new male friend, Gwyneth finally has found the strength within herself to apply for a small business loan. At home, Anna teases her about Lloyd having a crush on her and Gwynnie is just like “Ok mom, whatever.” Anna is like “If you don't want to get in his pants, then how come yesterday was the first time you didn't immediately ask if Eyebrows had called? That's funny! Tell me another.”

You'll be shocked to learn that Gwynnie gets her small business loan, and we're treated to an uplifting montage of her setting up her brand new office. 


Gwyneth has been summoned back to Barb's office so that Barb can bitch her out for the sandwiches she delivered having given everybody food poisoning. What a lying b! She asks if Gwynnie is trained in the catering business and she's like “Nope, PR.” Barb says she's not doing a very good PR job right now. Sick burn!

Later on Eyebrows is over at Barb's house and is like “What the f is your deal??? Why would you hire my girlfriend to deliver you sandwiches???? What are you, stupid???????” Barb is like “I just wanted to see the GDB who you refuse to dump even though I am such a delightful presence in your life. And it turns out she has a horseface and is gross!” Eyebrows is all “That's not very nice!” and Barb is like “Why won't you leave her for me?” and Eyebrows is like “You never said you wanted me to!” and if you had any doubts up to this point that this movie was written by a man, they will be dispelled by the following line from Barb, which is verbatim: “I'm a woman! We don't say what we want! But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating, and not a little bit scary!”

Later that night, Russell calls Eyebrows to warn him that Gwyneth called looking for him, so he'll need to use someone else as his beard when she asks where he's been. At that moment she comes home, and he feeds her a line about having been at the library. Gwyneth is basically a walking frowny face and tells him that she needed to see him because she talked to the hugest b of all time and Eyebrows is like “I know. I mean... I can tell!” She says she's tired of working so much and asks when he's going to finish his GD book so they can just be millionaires already and he's like “...soon?”

He has a crisis of conscience in this moment and decides to come clean about his philandering, but unfortunately Gwyneth has fallen asleep.


Gwyneth is watching Lloyd in a boat race. Don't ask me, I'm just the recapper. She is VERY into it though, and stands cheering with Clive.


Gwyneth and Anna are strolling by the river with Lloyd's boat race going on behind them, and she's like “Woah how weird. I totes knew there would be dudes in purple and white outfits having a boat race today!” OMG magical realism. Or something! Anna is like “Bitch you cray. Also why hasn't Eyebrows invited you to come on his research trip to Dorset?” She says he did invite her, but she can't go because she has two jobs and is the sole source of income in their household. Also she's getting fed up with him being a spineless, weasely and potentially seriously mentally ill blookhead. Well, what she actually says is that it will be good for them to get some space, but that was the subtext.

Out of the blue, she asks Anna if she dropped a glass in the laundry at her birthday party and Anna is like “I dunno, I'm a drunken mess so probably!”


Lloyd wins his boat race and we are all very excited for him. Back at Boating Club Headquarters the team plus Gwyneth do some kind of ritual victory song and dance. Eyebrows and Barb happen to be strolling by and Eyebrows spies her through the window as Barb needles him about being distant lately. Eyebrows is just like “WhoaMG! Gwyneth is in there having some sort of collective fit with a bunch of dudes in ugly turtlenecks! And she's blonde!” Barb is like “WHO CARES DOT CO DOT UK!!! You obviously are still in love with that wench so guess what? WE ARE SPLITSIES!”

Inside, the weird song and dance has dispelled into general mingling, and Lloyd is telling Gwyneth all about Clive's new restaurant which is about to open. Gwyneth offers her PR services and Clive is like “U R my hero. Please plan my launch!”

Later that night Lloyd and Gwyneth are for some reason in a boat by themselves by the bridge that Gwyneth dramatically threw her non-wedding ring off of earlier. They have a conversation that is basically like “I'm so glad we're friends!” “No, I'M so glad we're friends!” “But I'm the most glad” “Nuh uh I am the most glad times infinity!” Gwyneth segues into telling him that she loves the bridge they are floating near, and that her grandfather helped to build it. Which... whatever. She says she likes to come there to think sometimes.

Suddenly the atmosphere is very romantic and Lloyd goes in for a kiss but is cruelly rejected. She's all “I know we're floating on a boat in the river alone at night in front of a sparkling bridge and have just been making googly eyes at each other for 12 hours, but I'm still on the rebound so keep it in your pants.” He says that he's sort of on the rebound too, and she asks from whom. He says it's his first girlfriend, Pamela, who dumped him when he was eight because she became infatuated with Gary Glitter (real line: “She wanted to touch him there”). Pro tip, dude: when attempting to seduce a woman, it's best not to bring pedophiles into the conversation! Gwyneth has luckily not yet read the latest issue of Disgusting Former Glam Rockers Weekly so she just finds the story so hilarious and charming that she changes her mind and kisses him.

He's like “Uh... you weren't going to do that, remember?” and she tells him to chalk it up to a “momentary lapse of concentration.” He's like “Sure, cool, there's a pretty big lapse of concentration happening in my pants right now as a matter of fact! My place or yours?” They go and Do It on his very manly flannel sheets.


While Gwyneth is hard at work at the sandwich shop, Eyebrows embarks on his romantic getaway with Barb.


Gwyneth is at the launch party she planned for Clive's restaurant, and you know it's a huge success because Jamiroquai is playing in the background. Scenes of POOG-land Gwyneth schmoozing and boozing with the classy clientele of Clive's restaurant are intercut with scenes of GOOP-land Gwyneth waitressing at the way more down-market restaurant.

POOG Gwyneth is SUPER PUMPED when she spots a gate-crashing Eyebrows staring at her from across the room.

She excuses herself from what is surely a riveting conversation between Lloyd and Clive to go deal with her ex. She's like “What the f are you doing here you shagging wanker? This is a big night for me and also you suck! Let's talk outside.” Lloyd sees them leave and looks concerned.

Outside, Eyebrows is like “We've been through so much together! You should give me a second chance! I'm totes sorry and u r awesome!”

Inside, Lloyd is morosely staring at them through the window. Clive comes up and asks if he's the ex and Lloyd says yes. Then Clive asks if Gwyneth knows about Claudia. WHO IS CLAUDIA??? THE MYSTERY WOMAN FROM BEFORE??? Lloyd says no, she doesn't know and that he feels lost and confused. Oh no, is Lloyd a secret snake just like Eyebrows? :(

Speaking of Eyebrows, he asks Gwyneth if she'll come and see him so they can have a serious talk about their relationship. She makes this face

which is apparently encouraging enough to Eyebrows that he kisses her. Even though Gwyneth is very clearly not into it, Lloyd is super jelly jells.

Suddenly, both GOOP and POOG Gwyneths are feeling faint and almost collapse. WHAT COULD IT MEAN???

POOG Gwyneth goes back inside and looks for Lloyd, but Clive tells her that he left.


Gwyneth tries to call Eyebrows from the restaurant, but unfortunately he is busy having liquor poured on his chest by Barb and he doesn't answer.


Gwyneth is pissed off because Lloyd has gone on a business trip but didn't tell her, and she couldn't get much information out of his secretary. Anna asks if he saw Eyebrows kiss her and if she's tried to call him and a billion other questions and Gwyneth is like “UGHHHHH I DON'T KNOW!”

Lloyd is in a hotel somewhere and starts dialing Gwyneth's number but changes his mind and hangs up.


The day after her near-fainting moment, Gwyneth gets Eyebrows on the phone and tells him a boring story about a dream she had about him. She then tells him about the fainting thing but is interrupted when Barb stubs her toe in the next room and starts wailing really loudly on purpose. Eyebrows covers it by saying that the people in the next room are Doing It very loudly. Gwyneth tries to go back to her story but of course Eyebrows is flipping out and not paying attention and eventually he just pretends that somebody is at the door and hangs up. Gwyneth is like “So the moral of my story is that I'm pregnant, LOL.”

At the hotel, Eyebrows bitches Barb out for screaming so much and she's like “Whatever dude, my toe fucking hurts.” He asks what exactly she's trying to do and she shouts a very long speech about how she is waiting for a train that ain't coming and that her friends were right about him and that they are totes finished. He just stands there staring at her like an idiot as per usual, but once she leaves he looks somewhat delighted.

He leaves Dorset early and meets up with Russell at the bar and excitedly tells him that he finally broke up with Barb. That's not exactly how I remember it going down, bro, but whatevs. He goes on and on about how he is super relieved to not have to be a liar and a cheat anymore and then runs out to go find Gwyneth.

Gwyneth is working at the restaurant, and overhears a lady yelling at her boyfriend for giving her spontaneous flowers, saying that he must be up to something. He gives an indignant speech very similar to Eyebrows's post-coital meltdown about the brandy glasses, all like “Oh I see, I'm not allowed to buy you flowers in a fit of romance! It must mean I'm having a sordid affair! You are such a b!”

Imagine Gwyneth's horror when she goes home and Eyebrows pops out of nowhere with champagne and a bouquet of flowers.


For some reason, Gwyneth has gone over to visit Eyebrows and talk about their relationship. She's like “I can't get the super gross image of Barb riding you out of my head, whytf did I even come here!” and he tries to stroke her hair and she's like “Don't touch me, sicko.” He insists that Barb was a mistake and that they're not together anymore. He brings up Lloyd, who he saw at the party, and Gwyneth is like “Yeah, we're not talking about that. I'm out of here.”

As one last desperate ploy, Eyebrows tells her that he's stopped writing his book because he can't write without her. He asks her to come back to him, and she is actually dumb enough to stick around while he goes to answer the phone. Of course it is Barb calling, and she tells him that she thinks she's preggers. He's like “Oh hi Russell, can't talk now, call you back later!” He runs to the bathroom and Gwyneth takes this opportunity to *69 and Barb answers “Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that.” Gwyneth is like “Oh hey, it's actually Gwyneth and you are a skank. Bye!” Eyebrows comes back and she tells him that he's a “sad, sad wanker” and leaves.

She goes back to Anna's and rants about what a douche Eyebrows is, and says that she felt like she was being unfaithful to Lloyd just by being there. She thinks she blew it because it's been a week since the party and Lloyd hasn't called.

Eyebrows goes out with Russell, who says he blames British Telecom for having too many ways to track phone calls, saying they're condemning all men to a life of boring old monogamy. Eyebrows tells him that Barb might be pregnant, and Russell is just like:

He says “Being with you makes waiting for the next episode of Seinfeld much easier to bear” which is probably the nicest thing he has ever said to Eyebrows.


Eyebrows asks if everything is ok with Gwyneth because she's been distant ever since he got back from Dorset. She says there are a couple of things; firstly, that she has an interview for a fancy PR job and at that moment Eyebrows opens the blinds to reveal Barb standing there staring at him.

He screams “JESUS CHRIST!” and tries to pass it off as being really excited about the job thing, though he clearly doesn't give a shit. She doesn't buy it and goes to see what he was looking at, but Barb is hiding behind the wall now. Barb calls and tells him to meet her at her place the next night because they need to talk, so Eyebrows tells Gwyneth that Russell needs his help cleaning his apartment because his parents are coming to town.

He asks Gwyneth what the other thing she wanted to tell him was and she's like “Oh, nothing. Not important.”


Gwyneth is at work and calls Lloyd's office and hangs up immediately when the receptionist answers. She leaves and goes to have a milkshake at the diner Lloyd took her to and then runs into the man himself on her way back. Just now I notice for the first time that Lloyd actually has bigger eyebrows than Eyebrows. The more I think about it, the more I feel like the two dudes in this movie annexed Gwyneth's eyebrows to add to their own.

They make awkward small talk for a minute about how he just got back from his trip, and he's eventually like “I hope you don't think I was avoiding you! I wanted to call you but I was too chicken. Also, I thought you needed to work out your ex issues and didn't want to presume that I was your BF or something” and she says, and I quote, “What, you think I go to bed with all the successful oarsmen I come across?” If this movie weren't PG-13 she could have done a lot more with that joke. He gets a call about his mom and tells Gwyneth that he has to go to the hospital to hear her test results. She offers to go with him, but he says thanks but no thanks but hey, wanna come to a dinner party tonight?

She is super happy, but little does she know that Lloyd meets up with the mystery woman from before and they kiss and go into the hospital together. Oh no! More like Lloyd McDOGler!


Gwyneth is at Anna's and they are talking about how she hasn't told Eyebrows that she's pregnant. Anna says they should celebrate with a proper drink, which is just excellent advice. Gwyneth is like “Hellz yeah! Get crunk!”

She offers Anna some brandy, but she says “Gross, that stuff makes me vom.”


Gwyneth goes to Lloyd's dinner party and they go home together and Do It again.

The next day at work, Gwynnie is doodling in her day planner and it is some seriously kindergarten-level shit:

She then flips through the pages to find the date of her last period, as one does, and it looks like it's been a little too long since the last one. Uh oh! Bitches are getting pregnant all over both universes. Did they not have condoms in 1997 or what? Geez louise.

She goes home and shows Anna, who is on the floor doing yoga while reading a magazine, her positive pregnancy test.

She goes to Lloyd's office to tell him the news and asks the receptionist if he's there. She's like “Nope, he's at the hospital with his wife. Can I take a message?” Shit just got real!

She goes to the hospital to find him and see what all this wife nonsense is about, and sees him and mystery woman together.


At home, Gwyneth tells Eyebrows that Anna doesn't drink brandy, so she couldn't have put the glass in the laundry. He's like “Huh?” and she finally just straight-up asks if he's having an affair. He says no, which I suppose is technically true at this point, but he looks so self-satisfied that I want to slap him on her behalf.

She's like “Fine, I don't know why I even brought it up because I have to go to my interview now. It's in the evening at the apartment of the company's chairwoman which I don't find remotely suspicious. Laters!”


Lloyd calls Anna and asks if Gwyneth is there, and Anna is like “No and you are an asshole, leave her alone!” He's like “Uh... come again?” She hangs up on him so he goes over and asks what's going on. She tells him that Gwyneth saw him with his wife and slams the door in his face.

He runs around town trying to find her at their favorite milkshake diner, the bar where she got crunk that one time and Clive's restaurant before finally finding her on her favorite bridge, standing in the rain. He runs to her and says he can explain. She's like “GET THE F AWAY FROM ME YOU USELESS SHAGGING BASTARD! IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT I GOT FIRED AND CAUGHT MY BOYFRIEND IN BED WITH SOME AMERICAN HARLOT AND NOW I FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE AN ASSFACE JUST LIKE HIM! MY LIFE SUX AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” He tells her that he's technically married but he and his wife are separated and will be getting divorced soon, but due to plot contrivance and the need for a Misunderstanding, he and his wife decided not to make it official until his mom's health was better.


Eyebrows goes to Barb's place as arranged. He tells her to leave him alone and that it's over and she can't be creeping at his windows anymore. She's like “That's nice. I'm pregnant!”

There's a knock at the door and Eyebrows goes to answer it. Surprise! It's Gwyneth, thinking she's going to her interview but actually getting ambushed by Barb! She comes in and tells Gwyneth that they'll have to postpone the interview since she's trying to decide if she's going to keep Eyebrows's baby. Is it just me or do these three really need to go on Maury?


Gwyneth asks Lloyd if he's telling her the truth and then they make out in the rain. She says there's something she has to tell him, but first she has to call Anna and tell her she's ok.


Gwyneth runs out the door and down the stairs. Eyebrows grabs her arm and tries to stop her, and she falls down the stairs.


Lloyd calls out to Gwyneth that he loves her as she's crossing the street to a phone booth and a truck comes out of nowhere and runs her over.

Both Gwyneths are rushed to the hospital and Eyebrows and Lloyd are told by nurses that she's in rough shape and has lost her baby. They're both like “BABY?????”

In POOG-land, Lloyd sits by Gwyneth's bed and tells her how glad he is that she caught the train that day and how when she wakes up he's going to make her so happy and they will be together forever but unfortunately she dies, even though her only apparent injury is a scrape on her face.

GOOP-land Gwyneth wakes up and finds Eyebrows waiting by her bed. As she comes to, she has visions of all the places she hung out with Lloyd in her alternate life.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Lloyd gets some good news about his mom's health.

Eyebrows tells Gwyneth he'll do anything she wants, and she says “Get the fuck out and leave me alone forever, dickwad!”

She gets discharged and goes to the elevator. She gets there just in time for the door to close in her face. Not again! But when it opens again, SURPRISE! Lloyd is there. Her earring falls out and he picks it up for her once again. She looks bummed, so he says “Cheer up, you know what the Monty Python boys say” and she immediately replies “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” and they look at each other.

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