Sunday, May 5, 2013

Fast Five

I'm going to get real with you guys for a second. I almost gave up on this one. In an attempt to do something a little outside of my wheelhouse, I chose Fast Five, confident that it would be hilariously bad enough to provide me with plenty of material. And while I wasn't wrong, I didn't bargain on hating the movie so much that I could only get through ten minutes at a time! So it is that it took me two and a half months of VERY intermittent work to bring you this recap.

So straight off the bat I already feel lost because in addition to not watching the previous movies in the series, I have chosen not to even read the briefest plot summary of any of them because life is too short and I am too lazy and hopefully my confusion will be somewhat entertaining for you, my five readers.

The movie begins with Vin Diesel standing in a courtroom looking all sad in his orange jumpsuit, getting sentenced to 25 to life for an undisclosed crime (for the purposes of this recap, I'm going to just assume it was public urination) while Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster sit there looking concerned. Sad violins play in the background. The judge says there will be no possibility of parole. So probably definitely that means Vin is going to be in jail for this whole movie, right? How is he gonna do things fastly and furiously from a prison cell? The suspense is already through the roof.

Vin's prison bus drives through the desert and Vin continues to look very sad. But then three slick-looking black sports cars come roaring up behind the bus, driven by Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster and an as-yet-to-be-seen-third-person-or-possibly-a-ghost (I hope it's a ghost). Are they going to daringly rescue Vin??? Or are they just sending him off to prison in style? They do some tricky driving tricks and it all looks very much like a commercial where "Professional driver on closed course" would be in little letters on the bottom of the screen. Jordana Brewster pulls up in front of the bus, turns around and then drives directly at it. Who knew girls could be reckless crime drivers too?

While the bus swerves to avoid her, Paul Walker drives into the side of the bus so that it goes flying and spinning over and over onto the side of the road.

Uh, you guys, if you want to keep yourselves and your friend out of legal trouble I really don't think this is the best way to do it. Pro tip.

We cut to a news report delivered by none other than PERD HAPLEY.

He and the other newscasters describe how all of the high-security prisoners on the bus have been accounted for, EXCEPT VIN DIESEL. They keep calling it a daring escape which is so LOLworthy. More like "A (presumably) dangerous criminal has not only managed to escape prison but also put the lives of many other people in danger and destroyed an expensive vehicle in the process." I have a feeling I'm going to need to get over my indignation at the carnage before long. In any case, one of the reporters says there were no fatalities, so there's that.

Another news report describes how somehow they already know that the escape was orchestrated by Paul Walker (who they describe as a former federal agent, which I'll assume is the plot of the first movie in a nutshell) and Jordana Brewster (whose character has the same last name as Vin's, meaning I'm going to be playing "wife or sister" for the next while). But what about the ghost driving the other car? What's his story?

The reporter concludes by saying that where the fugitives are now is anyone's guess.

Judging by the next shot, I'm going to guess Rio.

Paul and Jordana drive along in what looks to me like a pretty nice car, but compared to the ones from the beginning is probably supposed to look like a beat-up old jalopy. They get out in a shady looking area, looking for something/somebody. They are holding hands, so hopefully Jordana is Vin's sister or else this movie is going to be a lot more soap operatic than I expected. A man with a gun is watching them from a building and talking into a walkie talkie.

They suddenly find themselves surrounded by beefy looking guys with guns and various street youths. Paul casually says they should probably go, but then somebody calls out in Portuguese that "She's with me!" The guy greets Jordana enthusiastically, and acknowledges Paul less than enthusiastically. But they all have wry smiles on their faces so probably they got up to some hijinx together in Tokyo Drift or something.

They ask the guy, who I will refer to as Tokyo Drifter (though I honestly don't know if he was in that movie, the other nickname option was Wife Beater, since that's what he's wearing, and I don't want to use that for obvious reasons), if Vin is there. You lost him already? Did you just like, high five each other after the bus crash and then go your separate ways? How dumb. Anyway, Tokyo Drifter says he saw him "up in Ecuador" a while ago, but not since then. Then he asks Paul what it's like to be on the other side of a Wanted sign. He ignores the question.

That night they eat with Tokyo Drifter and his family, and either they just have really poor table manners or they haven't eaten in a while. You know what they say, “On the run from Johnny Law, ain't no trip to Cleveland.”

Jordana helps put TD's baby to sleep, and Paul looks at her with stars in his eyes. Probably don't make a baby, guys. Just some advice from a friend. It wouldn't go well. Although I would probably watch the inevitable movie: 2 Fast 'n' Furious 2 Change Diapers.

Suddenly Jordana is real sad. Don't know why. So there's probably some more backstory I'm missing out on. Or alternatively she suffers from multiple personality disorder. But let's be real, so far it seems more likely that she suffers from “no personality” disorder. She excuses herself, leaving Paul and Tokyo Drifter to talk.

The camera lingers on a gnarly scar on TD's arm, and Paul asks him why he moved to Rio. He makes reference to Paul having screwed things up in LA, and says he spent time "free-falling through South America" which sounds fun. I wonder if he stopped in Portugal. Anyway, he gives the obligatory "I would have kept going downhill if it hadn't been for my improbably hot girlfriend/wife Rosa" speech.

In case that wasn't cliche enough, Jordana is in the bathroom silently freaking out and staring at herself in the mirror.

Rosa comes in and asks Jordana, in Portuguese, if Paul "knows." Knows what??? Don't leave me hanging like this, Rosa! My guess is that she's pregnant with the ghost's ghost baby. THAT movie I would see in the theater. She shakes her head.

When she gets back to the kitchen. Tokyo Drifter says that he has a job for them. If he says "one last job" that will be one cliche too many for a 90 second stretch and I may have to stop. He continues that he was hoping that Vin would be there to help them, but that it's just a couple of high-end cars that are "easy targets" so they should be able to handle it on their own. He keeps going on and on about how easy it's going to be, and how much easy money they're going to make. Buddy, this movie is over two hours long. It ain't going to be easy for any of us.

Paul and Jordana seem skeptical, and rightly so.

Later that night, TD is outside when a car pulls up, revving its engine. He smiles.

The next day, Paul and Jordana are on a train. Paul gazes lovingly at her and they look at a travel guide together which apparently is targeted toward the traveler looking to avoid extradition. Tokyo, Moscow and Goa are mentioned. They smile and kiss. The conductor comes into their car to check tickets and they get up and start walking toward him, apparently with some scheme in mind. But oh no! There are cops in this here train! And they helpfully wear their badges like necklaces.

Better be careful, guys. Jordana bumps into the conductor and Paul does something sneaky and pick-pockety, I don't know what. I have no idea what's going on and I'm not sure if it's because the movie is confusing or I've just had too much gin.

Meanwhile some kind of truck-like vehicle is rip-roaring through the desert.

I guess Paul maybe took a security badge or something, because now he and Jordana are sneaking into a secret compartment with a key card.

The truck thing continues driving through the desert as noisily as possible, heading for the train.

Paul is on the phone, telling someone that they found the fancy schmancy cars that Tokyo Drifter wants them to steal. They look through the keys and Paul is worried when he sees that there are "DEA tags" on them, meaning the cars were seized. Some easy job this is, Tokyo LIAR!

TD's crew pulls up alongside the train and somehow latch onto it and then literally cut a hole in the side of the train and attach a ramp to it. I'm so sure. Anyway, when the wall flies away, it is dramatically revealed that VIN IS THERE. OMG, I'm so excited. I can't believe we made it through ten minutes of the movie without knowing where Vin was. Oh my god, it's only been ten minutes. TWO ENTIRE HOURS TO GO!

Jordana gives Vin a big hug, and he says that he told them to lay low. Paul is like "Sorry bro, a man's gotta eat." Get a job, dumbass.

They quit talking and get down to business, pulling the cars off the train using some kind of gadget. It's all very high-tech. There's some kind of kerfuffle over who is going to drive away in which fancy car. Paul yells at some guy who tries to stop Jordana from getting in the one she wants. Vin leans in and tell her there's been a change of plans. She drives off in the opposite direction and TD's pal is like "WTF?" and pulls out a gun.

In the main part of the train, the cops finally realize that something is happening. One of them hilariously yells "We're being robbed! Whatever happens, don't stop the train!"

Vin is having a fistfight with TD's friend, and Paul jumps off the train and onto the truck.

The cops try to get into the compartment with the cars, while Vin hits a guy with a crowbar. People zoom through the desert and punch each other. Some guy tries to blowtorch Paul's face while simultaneously driving a truck.

Paul gets the upperhand but apparently is not good at driving and accidentally goes flying over a little hill and barrels straight through the train. I LOL forever.

Somehow Paul is neither dead nor injured, but there is gasoline leaking into the truck which is partially on fire. There is a small explosion, and now Paul is dangling from the side of the truck. He yells to Vin that there is a bridge ahead. Vin jumps into one of the cars and prepares to... drive through an explosion?

The cops finally get into the compartment with the cars and TD's pal shoots them. What a jerk! Vin dramatically drives past and out of the train. The bridge ahead is narrow so Paul is royally effed if he doesn't get off the truck ASAP. Vin pulls up next to him and at the last second he jumps and grabs onto the back of the car. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, filmmakers, but it would have been cooler if he had landed in the passenger seat.

Anyhow, it doesn't matter because now the car is going off a cliff and Paul and Vin jump out and we go into slow motion and I think I'm supposed to have a boner or something at this point, but unfortunately I'm not the target demographic for this movie.

Paul and Vin are now just bobbing around in the water, and Vin tells Paul that it was a bad call, taking this "easy" job. From what I could tell, everything was fine until Vin started hitting people with crowbars, but whatevs.

A bunch of dudes with guns pull up on the shore, and now SURPRISE! Paul and Vin are hostages, literally hanging from chains in some creepy looking basement.

This Brazilian dude in a white suit comes in, and he's like every cliche foreign crime businessman you have every seen. Except he doesn't have a cigar. Anyway, he's all like "Hey guys, I know things can get crazy when you are stealing cars from moving trains, but you pretty much fucked it up! Three of my guys are dead, plus some DEA agents. But whatevs! I understand! It's hard out there for an international car thief! I only care about the car Jordana took! If you tell me where it is, we can all be BFFs!" Vin is just like

Mr. Crime Guy is like "I hear your sister is a hottie," thus answering the "sister or wife" question definitively. He says that wherever she is, he will find her. Vin and Paul play it cool but really, what else are you going to do when you're dangling from the ceiling of a murder basement?

He leaves, and only a couple of thugs stay behind to keep watch on the prisoners. Dumb move, Mr. Crime Guy. Don't you know who you're dealing with? Actually, I don't know either, but judging by the fact that it's only five seconds before Paul kicks one of the goons in the face and Vin pulls free of his shackles seemingly using only his own upper body strength, this was a severe miscalculation on his part.

Meanwhile, Jordana is chilling in some abandoned building, listening to a radio broadcast claiming that she and Vin and Paul killed three DEA agents in the train robbery. She hears somebody entering the building and grabs a blunt object to defend herself with, but luckily it's just Paul and Vin. They all hug. But the warm fuzzy feelings don't last, as Jordana fills them in on what the news reports are saying.

Paul is like "We should probably leave seeing as how we are now going to be at the top of the Most Wanted list" but Vin is just like "All we know is that they wanted this car!" Maybe you should just give it to them and go start a new life in Sao Paulo or something. Just a suggestion.

They deduce that there must be something very valuable in the car. Dollar signs appear in their eyes.

A plane lands in the night, and who should emerge from it but THE ROCK. He has literally only just landed but is already marching around talking about how dangerous the Fast & Furious Friends are and then says, and I quote, "Make sure you got your funderwear on." I felt fairly certain that I didn't want to know what funderwear was, but I'm always willing to sacrifice personal comfort for my art. A cursory Google search turned up many images along these lines:

 I feel that an emphatic "WHAT????" is well-deserved here.

Judging by the badge necklace, The Rock is a federal agent. Which... LOL. He explains to his team that they need to catch the F&FFs and bring them back, and NO MATTER WHAT they CANNOT let them get into cars.

There is a lot of exposition in this scene, which is less annoying than usual given that it's all being stated very authoritatively by The Rock. He says they need so many people to catch Vin and Paul because Paul is a federal agent who's been in deep cover for five years and knows all their tricks, and Vin has escaped prison twice. They don't even mention Jordana, who is equally as ridic as those other two. SEXIST PIGS.

A local officer asks what he can do to help, and The Rock says he can do two things. First, he needs a translator, a specific woman whose file he conveniently has with him. The officer asks why her, and he says "I like her smile." DOUBLE SEXIST, GO AWAY. The officer then asks what the second thing is, and we have our first real contender for my favorite part of this movie:

At F&FFs HQ, Vin is fiddling with the car. Jordana tells Paul that she has something to tell him (ghost baby?), but is interrupted when Tokyo Drifter comes in. Paul is all "Where have you been? And I mean that in the most accusatory manner possible!" TD doesn't appreciate his tone, and Jordana restrains Paul from lunging at him. Vin asks more politely where TD has been, and he says he had to wait to find them or he would have been followed.

Paul is just like "Eff that, it's face-punch time!" but Vin calls him off. He says, "If he says he didn't do it, he didn't do it." It must be so easy to trick this guy. No wonder he's been sent to jail twice!

In a fancy schmancy building somewhere, Mr. Crime Guy is pouring drinks for a couple of dudes while he explains that their business methods are too violent. He then gives a boring Brazilian history lesson about how Portugal won Brazil over Spain because they tried to catch flies with honey or something. His point is that he is king of the favelas because he gives them charity sometimes or something. Whatever, it was boring and he is a jerk dot com.

One of the thugs from the murder basement comes in and tells Mr. Crime Guy that they've found the F&FFs.

Speaking of whom, they're not having a very good day. Vin walks in on Tokyo Drifter sneakily taking a microchip out of the car. Vin starts shoving him around yelling about how his sister was on the train and how dare he, blah blah blah. TD predictably claims that he didn't know how serious it was going to be, he thought they just wanted the cars, and can he pretty please just take the chip to Mr. Crime Guy so none of them get murdered? Vin is just like "Nope."

Jordana and Paul come in and they all stare at TD really grumpily. TD starts going on and on about "All of our lives suck now because you don't trust me. I warned you Paul was a cop in the first movie (probably) and now our 'family' is all fucked up. And where's Letty?" Who is Letty, is a better question. Until I'm told otherwise, I am going to just operate on the assumption that Letty was Vin's beloved cat who got run over when they were zooming around in their flashy cars without a care in the world even though TD warned them that there were consequences for being 2 Fast 2 Furious.

In any case, Vin makes a frowny face.

Meanwhile, The Rock is investigating the crashed train. The translator he requested arrives, and she's like "Hey The Rock, why did you request me specifically, other than that you are a perv?" He says it's because he knows that she joined the police after her husband got killed, so she is motivated and can't be bought. She's like "You're totes right." The Rock says, and I quote, "Of course I am." His character is incredible so far, insofar as he is a horrible dialogue machine. It seems "funderwear" was just the beginning. Another officer comes over and says he has good news and bad news, and The Rock says, "You know I like my dessert first." Oh boy. He says that the cars went in two different directions, and the super valuable one disappeared at a certain point. The translator, Elena, says something about a washed out road near the favelas that they might have gone to and everybody is like "Wow I had no idea girls could have good ideas wowowowow."

Just in case we forgot we were in Rio, there's another shot of the Jesus statue, this time at dawn. Some police trucks drive in the general direction of F&FFs HQ, where Paul and Jordana are investigating the microchip. Apparently Paul is a microchip genius because he is able to figure out many things about it by putting it into a GPS? I think. I don't really know. The point is, he has discovered that the chip contains a delivery schedule. BUT FOR WHAT??? Jordana thinks drugs, but Paul tells her that it's a "dealer pack" which I guess is a gambling thing. Basically lots of dollar signs.

The police trucks come roaring up, and The Rock and his team make their way through an alley full of many men with guns. The same dudes who were there when Paul and Jordana first arrived. The Rock has his people pull out their more impressive guns, and the Red Sea parts before them. The Rock says "I thought so."

Just as he and his team are sauntering up to the building, a bunch of Mr. Crime Guy's thugs break in wearing ski masks and start trying to shoot everybody. The Rock hears the kerfuffle from outside, and makes this face:

Paul and Jordana escape, and Vin leaps out a window and starts jumping around the rooftops. The Rock spots him, and makes a perfectly timed leap THROUGH A WINDOW to catch him. It is pretty hilarious. But at this point I'm also concerned, because I think there could be deadly repercussions if The Rock and Vin Diesel were to shake hands. We could have an end-of-Southland-Tales situation here.

While The Rock and Vin Diesel are hilariously leaping from rooftop to rooftop, Paul and Jordana are boringly running through an alley, pursued by men with guns. The Rock takes a moment to leap into the alley to take down four of these men with his bare hands, snapping at least one neck in the process. That's way harsh.

Elena was left to stand by herself in the alley, probably because she's a chick, but she sees Vin running by and stops him by way of pointing a gun in his face. She radios to The Rock that she has him, but unfortunately a bunch of Mr. Crime Guy's men start shooting at her. Vin shields her with his body, and they share a Moment, I think. It's hard to tell because nobody in this movie can act or has any chemistry with anybody else.

Paul and Jordana have somehow gotten onto a rooftop at this point, and they are cornered and have to jump. Vin was doing it very easily not a moment ago, but they seem flummoxed. They heroically leap onto a much lower roof, which I'm pretty sure Vin also jumped onto, but despite the fact that together Paul and Jordana probably do not weigh as much as Vin, they go crashing right through. Ouch.

There are a bunch of dead people lying around various alleys now. Elena is shaken. I bet The Rock will have something quippy to say. Oh darn, I was wrong. He just asks if she's ok. She says yes, and then finds Vin's cross necklace on the ground.

With no explanation as to how they found each other or how they ended up there, Paul, Jordana and Vin emerge from a sewer. Vin says that they should split up. Jordana disagrees. Paul says that Vin is right, and Jordana says "I'm pregnant." WITH A GHOST BABY??? She doesn't say, but I think yes.

Paul blinks for a while and then expresses mild excitement. Vin stares at them blankly for a minute before going in for a group hug and promising that they'll stick together. Most of my favorite group hugs happened after running through a creepy tunnel too. This movie is very relatable.

That night, The Rock and his team are searching the F&FFs HQ. Elena tells The Rock that something doesn't add up about Paul and Vin. What she says doesn't make sense to me, so I'll just quote it verbatim: "They stay when they're supposed to run. They steal gas and then give it away. Now they're killing federal agents? It doesn't make any sense." In yet another strong contender for my favorite part of the movie, The Rock walks up and says "Here's what makes sense" and then KNOCKS THE FILES OUT OF HER HANDS. Oh, The Rock. Definitely the MVP here.

Another agent comes up and tells him that they traced the car to Mr. Crime Guy. Elena knows who he is, saying that he's super involved in all things nefarious in Rio. The Rock tells his guys that they need to put the car back together to find out what's missing. His guys are like:

Elsewhere, the F&FFs have found some digs for the night. Jordana passes out on a chair, and Paul and Vin head out to the front porch (real smart, guys, being in plain view of everyone) to have a bro to bro chat about fatherhood. Apparently Vin and Jordana's dad was the best dad ever, working hard and helping Jordana with her homework and shit. But poor Paul doesn't remember his father because he was never around. FROWNY FACE! Vin says that Paul won't be like that. Paul says they can't keep running, and they need to get out of the crime game. Vin thoughtfully looks at the microchip and says that they're going to use it to take all of Mr. Crime Guy's money as, you guessed it, "one last job." TBH, I'm actually kind of impressed that we made it 40 minutes into the movie before anybody said it. But my advice to the F&FFs is: don't hold your breath. There are at least two more sequels coming, and I don't think they're about the normal life of two men, a woman and a ghost baby.

Paul is totally on board with this idea, and says they have to get a team together. I think that means there's about to be a bunch of characters from the previous movies in a minute. Goody goody gumdrops! A classic "getting the team together" song plays in the background as the F&FFs talk about who they'll need the next morning.

First, Vin says, they need a chameleon. I'm going to recommend David Bowie. Next, a fast talker. Maybe see if Lorelai Gilmore is available? Jordana says they'll need somebody who's good with "circuits." I don't have a suggestion because I don't know what that means. Vin says they'll need somebody who can punch through walls. I don't know if he's being literal or not, but if so, their best bet is probably the Kool-aid man.

Next, Vin says, and I quote, they need "Utilities and weapons. Someone who ain't afraid to throw down." I don't know about utilities, but Rupert Giles is a good weapon man. 

No offense to the real F&FFs, but I think the group I've assembled is much more likely to succeed than any confederacy of dummies they might put together:

Most importantly, Vin says they need two precision drivers who don't crack under pressure. I'm pretty sure he must be talking about himself and Paul. Right?

The next day at F&FFs HQ, which I should mention is a creepy warehouse, Tyrese and Ludacris greet each other. They playfully talk shit about one another in a manner that suggests they're old friends. They drop the faux-hostility and hug. Their bromantic moment is interrupted when a foxy lady drives in on a motorcycle. She takes her helmet off and shakes her hair out like she's in an Herbal Essences commercial, and Tyrese says "Sexy legs, baby girl. What time do they open?" which is probably one of the top five most disgusting things he could say in this moment. She responds by pointing a gun in his face, so I already like her.

A couple of guys come in and talk to each other in Spanish about how Motorcycle Lady has balls etc etc. Tyrese is like "Anybody can talk shit in Spanish, homie." Direct quote. They call each other ugly a few times, and Ludacris calls them clowns. Yet another guy comes in and jokes to Motorcycle Lady that he thought cockfights were illegal in Brazil, so I already like him.

Vin, Paul and Jordana come in to greet their crack team. There are many hugs. Paul introduces Vin to Tyrese and Ludacris. Vin is very skeptical of Tyrese. As well he should be! He has been here less than five minutes and he is already my least favorite character.

Paul explains to everybody about Mr. Crime Guy and his drug ring and "cash houses." Vin says they're going to rob all of the cash houses. Tyrese is very offended by this for some reason, saying that he thought he came here for business but it seems more personal to him. Well, a ghost baby's gotta eat, man. Tyrese starts to leave, and Vin just ignores him and is like "So anyway, we're talking about $100 million split evenly between us." Tyrese comes back and says "Sounds like a whole lot of vaginal activity to me" which I think means he's on board, but also definitely means I am both very confused and want to vom at the same time.

A man gets out of a car in a shady looking neighborhood. He approaches a building where a bunch of chicks in really vibrant bras are sorting through piles of money.

The armed guard at the door buzzes the man in, but then immediately gets punched in the face when the door opens, as a couple of guys with ski masks and guns come barging in. They point their guns at the ladies and pistol-whip all the dudes, and eventually gather up all the money. But who are these mysterious and violent men? Just Paul and Vin, of course.

They dramatically remove their ski masks, and then Vin sets all of the money on fire and tells the money house boss to tell Mr. Crime Guy what happened, and that he can expect more excitement in the near future.

Back at the former F&FFs HQ, one of The Rock's cronies finishes putting the car back together and can't seem to figure out what's missing. The Rock is not impressed. He inspects the car himself and laments that a modern doohickey was put on a "classic," referring to the GPS console thing that the microchip came from. He opens it up and immediately figures out that the chip is what they took. The Rock is super smart, guys. World's Best Agent.

Another cop comes in and tells him that there was a break-in at one of Mr. Crime Guy's houses, and Elena says it was definitely the F&FFs because nobody else would be a big enough dummy to mess with him.

The money house guy goes to Mr. Crime Guy's office to explain the situation. Mr. Crime Guy is very calm and understanding about it. NOT! He picks up one of the many knick-knacks on his desk and knocks the other guy over the head. Great managerial skills, this one.

Around the city, the new members of the Fast & Furious crew are staking out the various money houses and reporting that they're "on the move" as people start leaving them and driving off. Ludacris is watching through binoculars from the top of a very tall building which seems quite impractical. There are many other buildings that would offer better vantage points, but I suppose they're not as picturesque.

Despite being so very far away from the ground, Ludacris is able to report that the stolen money is being consolidated at the POLICE STATION. OMFG police corruption? Well I never!

Everybody is a huge Debbie Downer about it, saying that if the police are involved then they may as well just go home because it's Vin is just like "Sack up, nothing has changed." At this point, I discover that I probably should have written the script because I made the Mission Impossible joke mere moments before Tyrese says "This just went from Mission Impossible to Mission In-freakin-sanity!" Do I get Writers Guild membership for this?

The Rock Team looks at some surveillance footage of a car, and The Rock says "Enhance!" LOL. Even though it's blurry and his face is covered, they are able to run the image through some kind of scanner that reveals it's Vin. Everybody gasps dramatically. Upon pulling up an image of one of the F&F team members, The Rock has his people check images of people they know are friends with Vin against people who have entered Brazil recently. They pretty much immediately pull up pictures of basically the entire team.

The Rock is now monitoring their cars. Oh no! How will they get away with their crime spree now?!?!? :(

Mr. Crime Guy is at the police station, and the cops assure him that The Rock won't be a problem because he requested a rookie cop as his assistant. So totes no worries then. Mr. Crime Guy is like "Cool!" and then goes and looks at the vault full of all his cash and orders a hit on Vin and Paul.

The F&F team looks at a blueprint of the police station, which they were able to get since it's a public building. They arbitrarily decide that Tyrese is going to do a scouting mission at the station to find out what he can about the vault. Tyrese is like "A million frowny faces, for real guys."

He puts on this very convincing cop costume:

and tries to sweet talk his way into the more secure parts of the building. Unfortunately the lady he tries to smooth-talk doesn't understand English, and the guy he ends up talking to is humorless, not to mention skeptical of the fact that the FBI badge Tyrese flashes says he's caucasian. For some reason he doesn't buy Tyrese's explanation that he's just tan, and doesn't respond well to Tyrese telling him he looks like he could bench press SO many pounds. He refuses to let him look at the vault. He leaves behind a box that has an "FBI Evidence" sticker on it which is like so super official. But it totes has a camera in it, right? RIGHT?

It does! Actually, it has a remote controlled car with a camera on it. Boys and their toys, am I right? Tyrese, Ludacris and Paul check out the footage from their super spy van. Ludacris is able to tell them like a million details about the vault just from looking at the footage. So impressive! And then he makes a super gross metaphor about how hard it's going to be to get into the vault. "She's going to start off playing hard to get. Then, no matter how much I caress her, no matter how much I lover her, in the end, she still ain't going to give up that ass." What a bitch! They all LOL because they are gross.

The Spanish speaking dudes, who I'm going to refer to as Rapido and Furioso, are off executing their part of the plan, and Rapido is talking Furioso's ear off about how he's so sure that he's going to screw everything up. There are a lot of very dysfunctional relationships in the Fast and Furious Family. Anyway, Furioso tells him to relax.

The Unimpressed Vault Guard goes for a bathroom break, and we now have a VERY strong contender for my least favorite part of this movie. Not only do we get a lovely pooping sound effect, but Rapido and Furioso have apparently been planting explosives underneath the bathroom or something because suddenly all of the toilets more or less blow up and there is literal shit everywhere. Extended shot of poop overflowing from a toilet. Actually, that previous sentence could serve as a recap of this entire movie, TBH.

Rapido and Furioso are now disguised as janitors and they go into the demolished bathroom as though they are going to clean it and block the door. They start drilling holes and then pull out a big chunk of the wall.

Apparently this has somehow given the F&FFs access to the security cameras in the parking garage? Because they are all sitting around in their warehouse looking at the video feed and talking about how the cameras are set up so they will only have a window of a few seconds to... do something. I don't know what. Nothing in this movie makes sense to me. Vin and Paul are going to go get some cars now and they're real excited.

They go to what looks like a giant outdoor club/parking lot. There are many women, and not a lot of clothes. Vin and Paul leer at a couple of ladies whose skirts are so short that their ass cheeks are actually visible, and Vin says “Home sweet home.” Man, Jordana's ghost baby is going to have such wonderful role models.

They spot a nice looking car that is surrounded by many young, hot people and start talking about how much they want it. A weasely looking guy comes up and is like “Dudes, WTF are you doing here, go away, you suck, people are looking for you, I hate you, Paul is a cop and you're both losers.” After he's done acting all mad, the guy agrees to trade the car for Vin's car. I don't see why he couldn't just use his own car, but then again I also don't care so I'll just move on.

Paul does a test drive with cameras set up the way the ones at the police station are to see if he can drive fast enough to not get caught on them. He fails, and Vin is like “Guess we need a faster car!” All of the F&FFs try out their cars on the course, but only Motorcycle Lady even comes close. Her buddy who made the cockfight joke earlier says “I think I'm in love.”

Somehow or other, they get a vault delivered to the warehouse that's exactly like the one at the police station. This is explained by one guy saying “We had a life before we met you guys.” Oh cool, it all makes sense now. Anyway, Ludacris gets to work trying to learn to crack it, but he says that it has a palm scanner which could prove problematic, as it most likely will only open for Mr. Crime Guy's hand. Dudes, just chop off his hand. NBD.

Motorcycle Lady and her admirer, whose name is Han and therefore will be known as Han Solo going forward, are scoping out Mr. Crime Guy's security detail from a bar on the beach where he is lounging around. They make small talk about how she used to be in the army and he used to be a smoker. He says that they're not going to be able to get Mr. Crime Guy's handprint using whatever tactic they had planned, but Motorcycle Lady is just like “Bitch, please” and dramatically takes off her dress. Unfortunately for Han Solo she's not totally nude, but has a skimpy bikini on so close enough I guess. He seems ok with the situation.

She saunters up to the guards and sweet talks them, glancing back at Han Solo flirtatiously. He has a strange feeling in his pants as he watches her sit on Mr. Crime Guy's lap. Mr. Crime guy cops a feel, and I guess now they are going to take his handprint from her bikini bottom? I don't really know much about science and vaults and shit but I'm pretty sure that NOPE.

They take her bikini back to Tyrese and Ludacris who are so impressed that they make some disgusting comments about how they wonder if Mr. Crime Guy just slapped her ass or got a nice handful. I hate them dot co dot uk.

Paul and Jordana rain on this fun parade by discovering that The Rock knows that they're all in Rio and has warrants for their arrest. They pull up a picture of The Rock and Paul gives a speech about how he's the best agent ever and when the FBI needs to find somebody, they call The Rock because he always hits his mark and blah blah blah. He also says that The Rock is very “Old Testament” which, what does that even mean. They are all very concerned that they are being hunted down by such a champion among men.

Speaking of which, The Rock is rallying his troops with a fury. They've spotted Vin's car, but oops! Egg on The Rock's face, that slimy guy from Club Parking Lot has the car. Lucky for him, Vin is there because he has suddenly decided that it's time for him and The Rock to meet. Will they join forces against Mr. Crime Guy? Nah, probably not.

Anyhow, The Rock strolls up to Vin, who is joined by Paul and various other F&FFs, and tells him he's under arrest. Vin is just like “Nah, I'll pass.” The Rock is really sweaty in this scene and I don't know why. It's gross though. It's times like these that I miss my crappy small non-HD TV. So The Rock is like “No, for real, you assholes are totes under arrest. Paul you are a former agent who went against everything the department stands for so I h8 u 4ever. Vin you are a slimy asshole who beat up a guy with a socket wrench.” Must have been in one of the other movies. And they go back and forth for a while longer with the “You're under arrest” “No I'm not!” “No like for realsies u r going to jail” “” until finally the cops all pull their guns. Vin is not concerned though, because all his friends in da club also have guns. It's a Brazilian standoff! They gaze into each other's eyes for a while and seriously they have the most sexual tension out of anybody in this movie.

Eventually The Rock decides the odds are not in his favor and he leaves, saying he'll see Vin again soon. You know that he's shaken because he didn't make any ridiculous quips. Or maybe he just forgot to wear his funderwear. Either way, seems like a missed opportunity.

Back at F&FFs HQ Ludacris tells Jordana that he put a tracker on The Rock's car while The Rock and Vin were making eyes at each other.

Elena, who is wearing Vin's necklace for reasons that I don't think could ever be explained, goes home and is just starting to get comfortable when Vin comes out of nowhere and rips his necklace off her neck. She's all “Why would you be such a dummy to come here just for your necklace you dumb-dumb it's only worth like $20.” Vin just says “It's worth it.” So probably it was his dearly departed cat Letty's collar or something. Right? Elena asks him why he doesn't just leave Rio since pretty much 50% of the population hates him right now, and he looks at some pictures of her dead cop husband hanging on the wall and asks why she doesn't leave.

She tells her sob story about her perfect husband who was murdered right outside their door. This somehow segues into her saying that Mr. Crime Guy stinks and needs to go. She adds that she doesn't think Vin killed the agents on the train and Vin is like “Why would you believe anything I would tell you?” Um, Vin, you didn't even tell her that. She just figured it out on her own. Whatevs. As he leaves, she makes one last comment about how “she” (meaning Letty?) must have been special to him. He's like “I NEVER THOUGHT ANYBODY COULD UNDERSTAND MY PAIN OVER MY DEAD CAT BUT YOU TOTALLY DO BECAUSE OF THAT THING WITH YOUR HUSBAND BUT I HAVE TO TAKE A RAIN CHECK ON TRUE LOVE C U LATER!”

Back at F&FFs HQ they are STILL trying to figure out who is good enough at driving fastly and furiously to evade the security cameras. Han Solo makes a valiant effort, but doesn't quite cut it. He says that it's impossible to beat the cameras, and that the only way they can do it is if they have invisible cars. Vin is very casually like “Cool, I know where to find some of those” and Han makes a very appropriately skeptical face.

They go to the police station in the middle of the night and hop the fence into the parking lot. Oh good, they're going to steal police cars! Kind of seems dumb that they didn't just do that in the first place... I mean, I don't want to tell them how to do their job or anything but come on.

We don't even get to see what kind of tricky tricks they pull to get the cop cars, but instead cut straight to Vin and Paul pulling up to a traffic light in them. But what am I even talking about, this movie is already eternal, I should be thanking god for small mercies!

After they trade quips about the last time they were in a police car, Tyrese and Han Solo pull up next to them, and Tyrese challenges everybody to a drag race. How dumb could these dummies possibly be? Pretty damn dumb, it turns out, because they're like “Yeah totes great idea, Tyrese, you are a wonderful man full of wonderful notions!” I would agree with them if this were a different kind of Drag Race.

But alas, my brilliant ideas languish in obscurity.

Tyrese says he'll bet them $100,000 that he's going to win, and Han Solo, who previously seemed like the most level-headed of the bunch, is like “F that, man, we could all be dead soon if we don't pull off this job. Let's make it a million!” I had high hopes for you Han Solo, but oh well. Tyrese is like “Carpe YOLO” and Vin and Paul are obviously in because their pride is at stake or something, so they're off! WHO WILL WIN??? I CARE! I CARE SOOO MUCH!!!!

So they zoom around, talking shit to each other over their radios, and for some reason Tyrese is blaring his siren which like of course he is because he's the dumbest. Anyway, it's a real photo finish, but I guess Paul won because he yells “Yeah! I owned you!” He's pleased as punch when they get back to F&FFs HQ, until Tyrese and Han Solo tell him that Vin eased off at the last second and let him win. Poor Paul!

The next day Jordana is happily shopping in a market when Tokyo Drifter comes out of nowhere and pulls her aside. She's like “WTF bro?” and then a bunch of sketchy looking dudes burst out of a sketchy looking car waving guns around. TD and Jordana make with the running away.

They come back to F&FFs HQ and Paul is like “Oh HELL no! That guy is a traitor!” but Jordana tells him that TD saved her from Mr. Crime Guy's henchmen so they're all cool now. My favorite thing about this whole thing is that they do not even bother to explain a. Why Jordana was shopping in a market in broad daylight when there is a warrant for her arrest, b. How TD knew she would be there, c. How Mr. Crime Guy's henchmen knew she would be there, or d. How TD knew Mr. Crime Guy's henchmen knew she would be there. They just wanted to bring TD back into the fold because of reasons I don't think I can understand without watching four other excruciatingly long and boring movies. But anyway, TD is def back in Paul's Top 8 now and we know because Vin tells him that he can say grace at their warehouse barbecue.

At said barbecue, Tyrese and Ludacris are shooting the shit about what they'll do with the money from this “One Last Job.” Ludacris wants to open his own garage where they don't overcharge people and Tyrese is like “Your dreams are lame.” Rapido and Furioso trade barbs about how one of them would use the money to give the other cooking lessons, and Han Solo finds the whole conversation just as boring as we do and starts gazing longingly across the room at Motorcycle Lady, who is standing by herself next to... a dumpster? They need to hire a decorator. He goes over to flirt with her.

Meanwhile, Tokyo Drifter sidles up to Vin and asks if he needs any help with the job, and Vin is like “TOTES! You're family!” Seriously, this guy will trust ANYBODY.

Tyrese goes up to Paul and Jordana, talking about how they should celebrate because they're about to do such a great thing tomorrow, and he tries to give Jordana a beer. She refuses, and he keeps trying to give it to her, and finally Paul is like “IT'S NOT COOL TO HIT THE SAUCE WHEN YOU HAVE A GHOST BABY IN THE OVEN!” Tyrese is like “OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder Vin let you win the race, Paul!” Everything in this movie makes so much sense that it is incredible.

Everybody hugs each other for a while and Vin gives a toast all about how they are a family and that's the most important thing in the world and blah blah blah WHATEVER I get it Vin, you love all these dummies. Congrats!

The next day is the big day, and all our friends get into their police cars and zoom off to do whatever it is they're going to do. At this point honestly I don't even remember what the plan is and I super don't care. Anyway, it's just Paul, Vin, Jordana and Tokyo Drifter left at the warehouse. TD heartwarmingly tells Vin that he's going to keep an eye Jordana. Quit sucking up, you traitorous interloper!

Paul and Jordana are like “Isn't it great that an hour from now we can go move somewhere without extradition and raise our ghost baby in peace? Life is beautiful!” so of course at that moment The Rock drives into their warehouse and Tokyo Drifter hilariously yells "COPS!"

At this point in the movie I took yet another week-long break, and in going to the DVD menu to find the right scene, I discovered that I am very soon in for what looks to be the greatest chapter of this saga:

So! The Rock is a man who really knows how to make an entrance, so rather than driving into the warehouse, getting out of his tank-like car and politely arresting the F&FFs, he crashes his tank-like car into Vin's car. That's no way to make friends, dude. Vin is just like “Oh HELL no!” and then it is fistfight time.

They trade a few facepunches with each other, then The Rock smashes Vin's face onto the hood of his destroyed car, but Vin uses his godlike upper body strength to break free and turn the tables. Then they start hugging and smashing into various pieces of furniture, fences and mirrors, and at some point they may actually smash through a wall, but I was too distracted by the overwhelming sexual tension to be 100% certain. So this keeps going on and on and they keep smashing each other's heads into things until eventually The Rock gets Vin in the hilarious headlock we saw on the DVD menu and it seems like Vin has been beaten, but unfortunately for The Rock, Vin looks across the warehouse and sees Jordana in MORTAL PERIL:

And his brotherly instinct to protect his sort of vaguely perturbed looking sister who is standing sort of near someone holding a gun leads him to break free once again and send the both of them flying through a window into the room where the rest of their friends are waiting.

If I was one of The Rock's cop buddies I would definitely pull him aside and be like “Hey man, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but while you were dancing with that dumb body-builder the rest of his team has still been out there in stolen cop cars doing something we're probably not ok with so maybe just think about your priorities for a second, ok?” Of course this would definitely lead to a face-punch, so maybe I would keep it to myself after all.

They are now rolling around on the ground punching and kicking each other in the middle of a circle of the remaining F&FFs and The Rock's team, who are confusedly pointing guns at them. Vin is about to crush The Rock's skull with a wrench, but Jordana screams “STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!” and Vin has a change of heart and surrenders.

They all get into the tank-car and it's super awkward.

Luckily this uncomfortable moment is interrupted by a man standing on the roof of a building shooting a ROCKET LAUNCHER at one of the two SUVs flanking the tank-car. RIP, 1/3 of The Rock's team. It's an ambush, but by who? There are now a shitload of dudes shooting at them, but The Rock sees that one of the guys in the blown up car is somehow alive, and gets out to go help him. But it's ok, he randomly has a semi-automatic or something... a big gun that can shoot a lot of times. I don't know guns, ok? I only know the rocket launcher thing from the Goldeneye Nintendo 64 game and the episode of Buffy where she blows up The Judge at the mall.

Back in the tank, the F&FFs ask Elena to uncuff them. At first she's like “R U 4 real?” but then she looks deep into Vin's eyes and is suddenly on the fence.

Meanwhile, The Rock is just walking around shooting his big 'ole gun in seemingly random directions. While his back is turned, Rocket Launcher Guy launches another rocket. The other SUV explodes and sends The Rock flying.

The Rock, reeling from the explosion, sees one of his men get gunned down. Then he looks at his buddy in the blown-up car who is weakly reaching out to him. Suddenly, a couple of grenades fall next to the blown-up car and The Rock is like “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” as his friend blows up for a second time, this time for realsies. NOW IT'S PERSONAL! The masked ambush guys come running at The Rock with their guns, and it looks like curtains for him until somebody starts shooting the attackers. WHO COULD IT BE??? The F&FFs, duh-doy! They take out all the bad guys, and Vin reaches down to help The Rock to his feet. For a second it's like “OMG will he accept Vin's help? What's going to happen??? Suspense!” but then he grabs Vin's arm and now they are BFL.

They all pile back into the tank-car and zoom away, leaving behind a fuckload of dead bodies. Mr. Crime Guy's henchman, who you may remember from three hours ago when Vin and Paul were hanging from hooks in that murder basement, strolls through the wreckage and looks PISSED. Imagine how Mr. Crime Guy's going to feel when he finds out, dude!

The mood is a little glum in the tank-car where Rocky Rock and The Furious Bunch are coming to grips with their tentative alliance. Apparently Tokyo Drifter has been shot, and he tells Vin to look out for his son, who he named after him. As we all know from watching movies, any time a character starts talking this way they are dead meat. So it is that we send our old buddy TD to drift into eternal peace. They take his body back to F&FFs HQ where Vin says some touching words over his body about how they are brothers or something.

The rest of the team is there now, so like, what were they doing that entire time if not carrying out their scheme? Vin says they have to move fast, and Han Solo says he can get them all flights out of Rio. Vin is like “WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID? We're going to finish the job!” Tyrese says the first sensible and non-disgusting thing of maybe his entire life, telling Vin he's nuts and that one of them is already dead. Everybody pretty much agrees with Tyrese, because apparently Mr. Crime Guy knew they were coming and security has tripled. Han Solo says “It's a trap, man” so maybe I should have been calling him Admiral Ackbar this whole time. Elena tells Vin it's too dangerous and he should leave Rio and be free.

Vin is just like “Whatevs, gotta do this in memory of my bro TD. Y'all wimps can do whatever you want but I'm gonna do this shit.”

Everybody stands around awkwardly until suddenly The Rock, who has not been in frame this entire time, says “I'm in.” THIS IS THE BROMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. He tells Vin that he'll ride with him, at least until Mr. Crime Guy is deadsies.

Apparently this convinces everybody else that it is a good idea to continue this stupid plan, and Paul asks how they're going to manage to sneak around when Mr. Crime Guy knows they're coming. Vin says “We won't sneak! All he cares about is money, so if we pull that, we pull him.” That seriously makes 0% sense to me, but then I'm not an international car thief so I probably just don't get it.

At the police station, Mr. Crime Guy is battening down the hatches. He tells one of his guys that he's called in every police officer on his payroll and someone says that even God couldn't get in. How will our heroes ever succeed??!?

It seems that all those scenes of people practicing to drive past the security cameras were completely pointless because now Rocky Rock and the Furious Bunch just zoom into the parking garage of the police station in their tank in plain view of everybody. That's cool and all but please give me those 20 minutes of my life back so I can watch an episode of Parks and Rec or something instead.

The Rock crashes the tank directly through a wall, and Paul and Vin drive in behind him in their non-tank cars. The guards start shooting, but Rocky Rock and The Furious Bunch are more than ready with their own guns. They simultaneously engage in a shootout with the crooked cops and affix some cables and hooks to the door of the vault, which is conveniently located right where The Rock crashed through the wall.

Inside the station, Mr. Crime Guy hears the shooting and starts to get nervous. He sends some more guys to the garage, where our heroes are now pulling the vault out of the wall using their cars. The cops arrive and are surprised to see Elena and The Rock helping with this operation. The Rock punches one of them in the face, and Elena points her gun at him.

Meanwhile, Paul and Vin are driving the vault through the streets. There is some dubious CGI here of the vault getting dragged behind and leaving destruction in its wake. An adorable baby watches it zoom by from inside a bus.

Back at the warehouse, Jordana is somehow monitoring the movements of the cops and telling Paul and Vin where to go by looking at a laptop. What a computer wizard!

Spikes get laid down in the road somehow, so Paul and Vin have to make a sharp turn, causing the vault to crash through a building full of people. The F&FFs are kind of huge assholes. Not that we didn't already know that, but I felt it needed to be said again.

Jordana guides them to an alley, where Paul drives in one side and Vin drives in the other, leaving the vault to sit in the middle of the road where it takes out a few more cop cars. Then they do some kind of weird move where they get the vault between them so Vin is driving ahead of it and Paul is driving behind it in reverse. Seems dumb, but what do I know!

They get back into their original configuration and Jordana warns them that a bunch of cops are getting near them. Fortunately they have gotten really good at taking down street lamps to trip up their pursuers. Unfortuantely there seems to be an infinite number of cops in Rio, and they are all at this party and are all trigger happy. They shoot out the windows of Paul and Vin's cars. Apparently they have poor aim on the level of Stormtroopers because they never manage to hit either man.

Even MORE police cars pull up and it's like GEEZ LOUISE can we cut to the END of the chase already? But SURPRISE! It's all those other characters you forgot existed in the police cars that you forgot they stole! Han Solo and Tyrese take out the remaining cars and follow behind the vault. Dangerous place to be, judging by the millions of dollars worth of damage that thing has caused in the last two minutes! They wisely drive away, leaving Paul and Vin to take the vault to a freeway bridge.

They've picked up some new pursuers, including Mr. Crime Guy and his murder basement henchman. Paul says there's too many of them and they won't make it. And now we have a truly heartwrenching exchange between our three leads.

Vin: You're totes right, Paul! No way can we both make it! I'm not really sure what is different about this situation than the last ten minutes of zooming around the city with a billion guys shooting at us, but definitely you are right. Only YOU are going to make it.

Paul: Huh? What r u saying Vin?


Vin: Nope! Paul u r gonna be a dad now so you have to get out of her with the $$$.


Vin: This was always the plan!

That last line is verbatim, because I want to make sure you guys appreciate how stupid it is. What you don't get from just the line is the wooden delivery that makes it all the more spectacular.

Vin somehow uses a remote control or something to cut Paul's cable so only he is pulling the vault now. Paul drives away and Vin hits the gas. It takes a while but he eventually gets enough steam to drag the vault himself. But it doesn't look like it's doing very good things for his car. He drives directly at his opponents and apparently his car is unbreakable because a head-on collision caused no damage to him. He uses fancy maneuvers to make the vault smash into one car after another, and they all go in the drink.

Mr. Crime Guy's henchman instructs one of the baddies to kill Vin, and somebody pops out of the top of a car with a machine gun. Of course! Standard issue for police cars in Rio, didn't you know? He starts shooting, but Vin executes some more fancy vault-work and smashes the guy into the water. In doing so, the vault goes flying and Vin has to jump out of his car before it's pulled into the air by the momentum, and it crashes straight through Mr. Crime Guy's windshield.

Vin is, somehow, no worse for the wear. He calmly gets up and watches Mr. Crime Guy's henchman climb out of the wreckage and point a gun at him. He totes thinks he's going to die, but luckily Paul appears out of nowhere and shoots the henchman. Vin is like “WTF man I told you to leave” and Paul says “Yeah, I had to make a call.” At which The Rock and Elena drive up in the tank. As they get out, Mr. Crime guy falls out of his busted up car. Vin doesn't even spare him a glance but just casually shoots him in the head as he walks by and says “That's for my team, you son of a bitch.” Oh, The Rock. Never change.

He tells Paul and Vin that he can't just let them go, but he'll give them 24 hours before he goes looking for them. He suggests they use the time to “make peace with whatever demons they have left” which is yet another delightfully nonsensical line. Vin takes this to mean he should engage in a sexy staring contest with Elena.

This romantic moment is cut short, and Paul and Vin start to get in their car. The Rock tells Vin he'll see him soon, and Vin is like “NOPE!” They drive away, leaving the vault behind.

The Rock opens the vault, and SURPRISE! It's empty. OMFG IS THIS A GERALDO MOMENT OR WHAT? Actually, it's just the result of more F&FFs trickery. Apparently at some point during the car chase, Rapido and Furioso and Motorcycle Lady drove up with a truck into which they loaded the real vault before attaching the fakeout vault they bought to practice on five hours ago to the cables. HOW TRICKY! The Rock finds the whole thing hilarious.

Back at the warehouse, Ludacris gets to work on opening the real vault with the ass-grabbing handprint Motorcycle Lady procured earlier. The handprint works, and the vault opens. It was apparently stuffed completely full of money, because cash just comes pouring out. Everybody LOLs and Paul and Jordana make out.

Slight bummer moment when we cut to Tokyo Drifter's wife and child, but it's ok because she comes home and finds a huge bag of cash just sitting there with a note from Vin saying he'll see them soon.

Cut to Monaco where Rapido and Furioso are at a casino wearing ridiculous white suits and squabbling with each other as usual.

Cut to Ludacris now working at his dream garage. Tyrese drives up in a slick sports car with a foxy lady in tow. Tyrese starts bragging about how his car is one of only four in the world, and the only one in the western hemisphere. Egg on his face! Ludacris has the same one, and there are TWO foxy ladies in it! LOLOLOL.

Cut to Han Solo and Motorcycle Lady zooming down the street in a fancy car. She is sitting on his lap and they are making out. EYES ON THE ROAD, BUDDY! 

Cut to a beach somewhere where Paul and a super pregnant Jordana walk hand in hand and make out for a while. Vin pulls up to their picturesque oceanside house, and Elena is with him! OMG but I thought The Rock was his true love. How lame! Elena and Jordana sis out on the beach while Paul and Vin share a beer on the porch. Vin says he's never seen Jordana look happier, and Paul says it's because they're free.

Domestic bliss is not enough for Paul though. He looks over at his and Vin's cars, and challenges him to a drag race rematch, because he's still sore about Vin letting him win. But we never get to see the results of this epic showdown because we cut to the credits. OMG IT'S OVER. WE DID IT.

SHIT. PREMATURE. After some CGI car racing, we get a post-credits scene of The Rock and Eva Mendes. She hands him a file about some nefarious car-shenanigans. He asks if it was Vin, and she says no. He opens the file and there's a picture of Michelle Rodriguez. Eva Mendes says “Do you believe in ghosts?” This would mean something to me if I had seen the other movies, but since I haven't, I'm going to have to assume that the next movie is a Lost crossover. Which, as painful as it was to get through this one, I would SO watch.