Friday, October 3, 2008


I would like to apologize for taking so much time between recaps. There were two major contributing factors to this delay. One of them is that I started a new job and thus had less time for watching and summarizing, and the other is that I started recapping Yentl one day, weeks ago, and was interrupted about 20 minutes in, after which point I couldn't bring myself to go back and watch the rest of the movie. Every morning I would wake up and say "Ok, Ms. Streisand, today is the day I finish you off," but then I would get distracted by doing things that were actually fun. Because let's face it. Yentl sucks. I promise that my next recap will arrive in a much more timely fashion, but in the spirit of actually updating this blog I now offer you a recap of:


I find it hilarious that this movie is so important that it needs THREE taglines. One of which is "A film with music," in case you are completely stupid like me and didn't realize this movie was a musical until Barbra Streisand burst into song.

The opening shot is of a basket full of books in the back of a horse cart with the words “In a time… when the world of study belonged only to men, there lived a girl called…” complete with antiquated detailing around the “I.” I’m not really sure what’s up with the erroneous ellipsis after “In a time,” but I’m going to be bet one million dollars that the girl is called Yentl…

And I’m right! Sort of. Because her name is apparently “YENTL.” I wish I was cool enough to be CLAIRE! We change scene to a dirty alleyway with water running through it with the caption “Eastern Europe 1904.” Somebody really needs to educate the caption writer in how and when to use punctuation. I also find it amusing that I have no idea what country this is in; all that matters is that it’s Eastern Europe. The cart full of books returns and some really out of place jazz flute plays over the generic strings. The man driving the cart calls out “Storybooks for women! Sacred books for men! Lovely picture books for women!” while some hipster looking guys discuss philosophy, thus establishing yet again that women are doomed to be dumb-dumbs for their entire lives in Eastern Europe 1904.

Enter YENTL! She is buying fish, but gets distracted by the book cart. One of the old women at the fish stand says she heard YENTL got engaged, but YENTL is apparently unsure of whether or not she did. The old lady makes a crack about YENTL being an old spinster but YENTL really doesn’t seem like she gives a fuck. She chases after the book cart and starts looking at some philosophical book. But the Santa Claus looking driver tells her that she’s in the wrong section and they argue about why she can’t read man books. I think with that face, she should be allowed but that’s neither here nor there. He tries to foist some girly picture book with a purple cover on her and I fully expect her to snap in a Z formation in response. She tells him that the book is for her father and he sells it to her. She is so crafty and clever! Women aren’t all dumb-dumbs after all.

Back at home we see that YENTL’s father’s student guy is a dumb-dumb. She reads her fancy philosophy book while cooking dinner. She is totally not paying attention to the fish which means that she is a failure as a woman. She is also an insufferable know-it-all who keeps shouting the answers to questions about the Talmud that are stumping the dumb-dumb student. If I were him, I would hit her over the head with a frying pan, but that’s just me. Mr. Dumb-Dumb says that his father said that women who know the Talmud are EVIL. YENTL’s father tries to cover for her by saying she just has “big ears.”

YENTL’s dad tries to patronize her by saying that “baked apple is good a little burned” and she apologizes for being such a failure. YENTL starts being emo about why she can’t read books and her dad tells her not to ask why men and women have different obligations. They then shut the curtains so that YENTL can study without the neighbors noticing. We then learn a little about YENTL as a child. Apparently she was always asking questions, for example:


Uh oh! YENTL is such a boring ho that her dad falls asleep just listening to her yammer on about who knows what. She tells him that she’s a little tired tonight and postpones their studying until tomorrow. I am now willing to bet three million dollars that YENTL’s dad is going to bite it, thus setting off a chain of events culminating in YENTL discovering something about herself or changing the world or something. He’s coughing away in his bedroom but YENTL doesn’t give a fuck because now she can start dabbling in cross-dressing and yammering on about God and OMG YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME she starts to sing OMGOMG how did I not know that this movie had songs in it this is amazing!

Buzzkill time, right in the middle of YENTL’s song her dad starts coughing again so she starts magically singing without opening her mouth. Or is she thinking in song? That’s amazing. From now on when I think, I’m going to think in song but I’ll do her one better and think in three part harmony. This song is something about “WHYTF do I have a soul if not to learn and stuff and whytf do I have wings if not to fly.” I hate to break it to you, YENTL, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have wings. She will just not drop the bird metaphor. It’s annoying. I can’t be bothered to pay attention to the words of this song anymore. OH until she sings “And what a waste to have a taste of things that can’t be mine” which she sings as she starts rubbing her hands down toward her nether-regions which is hilarious when you consider that she’s basically lamenting that she’s not a man.


Now she’s staring longingly at the men in the Synagogue but she is still singing in her mind. How can she expect to learn about God and stuff when she’s not even paying attention? She causes outrage by shouting “Papa!” when her father collapses which is his second fakeout death in five minutes. His life is like a Metallica song. You keep on thinking it’s over but it’s not. All the ladies in the balcony are gossiping about YENTL learning Talmud and one of them notes “Better she should learn to get a husband!” Oh snap!

Apparently some guy has come a very long way just to see YENTL and she is not pleased. Her dad says he wants to live to see her married, but YENTL wants to do more in life than bear children and darn her husband’s socks. I like how she compares becoming a mother to darning socks because they are totally similar. This is heavy-handed moment #423 of YENTL being a failure at being a woman. Her dad says scoffingly that he guesses YENTL wants a husband who will darn her socks and bear her children and she’s like LOLOL TOTALLY. He says that children are more important than the Talmud so he’s gonna go straight to hell when he bites it which I will predict is going to happen within the next five minutes of the movie. He apologizes to her for not teaching her how to be a woman and for teaching her too much. She tells him not to be sorry because learning is her whole life. Now her father tells an emo story about a tree and his dead son and stuff and it totally has nothing to do with anything. And now he’s talking to God! Woah! And he’s proud of YENTL even though she’s a total man-woman. Which is his own damn fault.

The leaves on the tree are suddenly all wilty so we know time has passed, and OMG, YENTL is burying her father! I called it! She insists on reading the Talmud at the grave and everybody is like WTF YOU ARE NOT A MAN.

Later, at the house, some ladies are helping YENTL pack up all of her dad’s stuff and she starts hugging a gigantic book. The ladies decide to leave her alone because it’s clear that she and the book want some privacy. Apparently she’s going to work for one of the women, who promises that she’s going to keep her so busy she won’t have time to think and can finally be a real woman.

And that is as far as I got, or will likely ever get.

Monday, September 15, 2008



and I go back a long way. About as far back as humanly possible, in fact. When I was a mere infant, my mother brought me home from the hospital and watched this movie as she held me, making it the first movie I ever saw in my life (and destining me to love Harrison Ford).

We open in Amish country with the wind blowing through the grass and some truly heinous synthesizer music twinkling in the background, begging the question, are synthesizers allowed in Amish country? I should think (and hope) not. Now we’re at a funeral but we can’t understand what anybody is saying because they’re speaking Amish language although in the next scene they will inexplicably switch to English. I guess English really is the best language in which to reminisce about horse testicles like these men are about to do. OMG, the Amish are just like us! Rachel, the widow of the dead man, is being comforted by some women, and a big blonde dude henceforth known as Blondie comes to offer his condolences/lay the groundwork for his future macking because if there’s one thing you can unequivocally say about Blondie it’s this: he has class.

Rachel is now going to the “big city” for reasons that are never really explained except in the vaguest terms with her little son Samuel, and Blondie has come to see them off. He gives Samuel the lamest toy of all time (a wooden sheep), but not before kneeling down and telling him “You will see sooooo many things!” (WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE) while creepily leering at him. I can almost hear the writers clapping each other on the back for their cleverness.


Before they get on the train, Blondie tries to mack on Rachel and as the train pulls away, they see him riding alongside on his horse cart waving at them. All he’s missing is a boombox blasting “In Your Eyes.”

Once at the train station, Rachel and Samuel look like a pair of freaks as illustrated by the curious glances of passersby. This particular little girl needs no embellishment:


Their train to Baltimore is delayed three hours, but Samuel doesn’t care because he is the most easily amused child of all time and kills a few minutes playing with the drinking fountain, approaching a random Hasidic Jew thinking he’s a fellow Amish and staring at a weird statue that you would think would tie into the story somehow considering we’re forced to stare at it for an eternity while the twinkly synthesizers go off in the background, but it totally doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Time passes and little Samuel needs to use the facilities, but unfortunately the idea of actually closing the stall door eludes him so he has a perfect crack from which to watch Danny Glover draw on some guy’s neck with a red Sharpie by which I mean slit some dude’s throat.


After making weird squeaky breathing noises for no reason, Samuel decides that the best way to make sure Danny Glover doesn’t find him in his stall is to lock the door, and only at the last possible moment escape into the neighboring stall. Apparently Danny Glover thinks a ghost spontaneously decided to lock the door because when he kicks it down and sees nobody there, he decides the coast is clear.

Later, the station is swarming with cops. Enter Harrison Ford. Everybody’s life gets just a little bit better at this moment. Some guy tells Harrison that the person who saw the murder is the “kid in the funny black threads” because all black people in this movie are forced to talk as though they come from a bad 70s movie. Harrison comes to question Samuel, telling him that it was a cop who got killed, and Samuel tells him that the man he saw looked like Harrison’s partner (meaning black) except not a shrimpy girly man, but rather a “big guy!” like Harrison (who looks rather amused/pleased with himself). Meanwhile, Harrison’s partner’s mustache is totally turning everybody on.

Harrison takes Rachel and Samuel to look at a “suspect” by which he means some random black guy because there really isn’t much else for them to be going off of at this point, but it’s totally not him. Harrison and Co. spend a lot of time LOLing at Rachel, especially when she tells them that she doesn’t want any part of their laws. What insensitive pigs! Samuel asks what Harrison’s name is and Rachel doesn’t give a fuck, but he tells her anyway that his name is John Book. As in “by the book” so we totally know that he is a good guy.

John is afraid that Rachel and Samuel will do a runner if they stay at a hotel, so he foists them upon his be-mulleted sister who is not altogether happy about the arrangement because she is a total slutbag and has a man over. Sister Elaine is the source of many conversational LOLs such as:

Elaine: Who are these Mormons anyway?
John: They’re Amish!
Elaine: John says you’re Amish.
Rachel: (really super cheerfully) Yes!
Elaine: ….Oh.


The next day John forces Samuel to look at photos and lineups of every black man in the entire world (one of whom looks remarkably like Miss J from America's Next Top Model).


Rachel continues to whine about wanting to go home, telling John that she doesn’t like her son spending so much time with a man “who carries a gun and goes around whacking people.” John takes Rachel and Samuel out for some hot dogs and Rachel shares a treasure trove of fun facts Sister Elaine told her about him because Amish people are good and honest and forthright and basically without tact. Apparently Slutty Elaine thinks John needs to start a family but is too afraid of the responsibility. Samuel belches which smoothes things over.

Back at the office, Samuel decides to wander around aimlessly while John is on the phone. Seriously, didn’t he learn his lesson last time he wandered off on his own? He lets random office people ruffle his hair and offer him cookies because apparently nobody has ever taught him about stranger danger and he eventually finds himself staring into a trophy cabinet where GASP OMGOMG he sees a newspaper clipping with a picture of DANNY GLOVER!!!!! He uses his telekinetic Amish powers to get John’s attention from across the room and shows him that he’s found the murderer and John is like OMGWTF.

John goes to see his old friend and fellow cop Chief Paul Schaeffer


and tells him that Danny Glover is the bad guy and that apparently he ran some drug raid a while ago where the confiscated drugs went missing. Meanwhile I’m wondering why, if he already knew this, John didn’t ask any questions about it before, but whatever. Paul feigns shock and horror and disbelief but you can totally tell he’s going to turn out to be a secret douche and plot twist accomplice.

Even though time is of the essence and lives are hanging in the balance etc etc, John has apparently stopped to pick up his dry cleaning on his way home and is just bringing it in when Danny Glover emerges out of the darkness and they have a shootout in the parking garage. After a few minutes Danny decides to give it up as a bad job and drives away, compelling John to yell after him “I KNOW YOU, ASSHOLE!” which totally leads me to believe that Wes Anderson was watching Witness when he wrote The Royal Tenenbaums. Anyhow, John is such a badass that he doesn’t even realize he’s been shot until he starts bleeding all over his dry cleaning and is like WTF that can’t be good.

He goes to collect Rachel and Samuel from Mulletland and drives them back to Amish country where they may not have cars and refrigerators but at least they have sensible haircuts. On the way, he calls his trusty partner to get all of the paperwork for the case destroyed because all he cares about is protecting Samuel because he is SUCH A GOOD GUY. He warns his partner that Schaeffer is in on it so he should watch his back, so we now totally know that he and his mustache are gonna get whacked. The bad guys go to question Lady Mullet and we find that one of them is named “Fergie” so I’m now officially going to have “My Humps” in my head for the rest of the movie and I also hope that this guy ends up peeing his pants at some point so that life imitates art.

We’re now back in Amish land where OMG ROLE REVERSAL, John is the freak fish out of water. He doesn’t intend to stick around but unfortunately as he’s driving away he succumbs to I-Got-Shot-eosis and crashes into a birdhouse. Through the agonizing pain, John once again proves that he is SUCH A GOOD GUY by refusing to go to a hospital so that the cops can’t find Samuel. Everybody’s heart is warmed. They cart John back to the house where Rachel tells them that he can’t go to a hospital and says that they have to pray that he doesn’t die, not because she gives a fuck but because it will be way too messy and complicated to hide his corpse from the cops. In lieu of real medicine, a fake Amish doctor prescribes some bullshit poultice and homebrewed tea which, along with Rachel’s godly presence by his sickbed manages to cure John. More importantly, Harrison Ford is shirtless for this entire sequence. There is a hilarious moment where he is delirious with fever and cursing in his sleep but it totally seems like he’s yelling at her if taken out of context.


Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Danny Glover and Co. are trying to find Rachel and Samuel but unfortunately 90% of Amish people have the same last name and they don’t have phones so they can’t call anybody about it! Oh, those Amish!

Samuel has a real talent for trouble and starts fiddling around with John’s loaded gun. John flips out and teaches him some basic gun safety rules, namely, stay the fuck away from my gun. He tells Samuel that he didn’t mean to yell at him, but he just wants to make sure that he doesn’t get hurt because he is SUCH A GOOD GUY! Rachel is not really pleased when she walks in on the boys playing with the gun, and John tells her to hide it wherever she wants. She holds it like it’s a dead rat. Meanwhile, Harrison Ford is still shirtless which is awesome.

Now we get a little trip into Amish pacifist philosophy courtesy of Rachel’s dad who teaches Samuel that the “gun of the hand” is built to take human life and only God should have that power and blah blah blah but Samuel is totally unconvinced because he’s seen what bad men do and wants to kill them all.

The next day, John insists on going into town to call his partner. Rachel gives him some of her dead husband’s Amish clothes and then LOLs at him when he puts them on. I like a girl who can LOL! She is the first of many to tell John that he looks “plain” which is totally impossible because no matter what he’s wearing, Harrison Ford is Harrison Ford and Harrison Ford is a babe.

They go into town and John calls his partner who warns him against coming back to sort things out because he’s too hot. Truer words have never been spoken.

John spends some quality time with Samuel who shows him the future site of one of the greatest movie deaths of all time and then teaches him how to pet a kitten which gets a resounding AWWWW.

Now that he’s healthy again, John is put on cow milking duty. Culture shock time! John is woken up at 4:30 AM which totally blows his mind. Rachel’s dad shows him how to milk a cow but he has some trouble squeezing the udder, leading Eli to ask “You never had your hands on a teat before?” to which John replies “Not one this big!” Eli pauses a second and then LOLs mightily because OMG, the Amish are just like us!


After breakfast, Blondie comes to visit and meets John for the first time. He tells John that he looks very plain and, unlike Rachel, makes it sound like an insult. He then tries to put the moves on Rachel by doing the lame Amish cousin of the yawn and put your arm around her shoulder but she is totally unimpressed because HELLO Harrison Ford!

Later, Rachel comes across John trying to make a replacement birdhouse and gives him a glass of lemonade which he drinks all in one gulp, proving that he is a REAL MAN and epically turning Rachel on. They then have possibly the most hilarious conversation of all time.

Rachel: You know carpentry!
John: Yeah, a bit.
Rachel: Can you do anything else?
John: Whacking. I’m hell at whacking.
Rachel: Whacking’s not much use on a farm. [A fellow viewer here astutely notes “On the contrary!”] Tomorrow I’ll [surreptitious look at John’s crotchal region] let out those trousers for you.
John: [looking down at his own crotchal region] Good.

It’s now night and Rachel is watching John work on his car. She tells him that he’s invited to join the upcoming barn raising. He manages to get the radio working and they dance around the barn to “Wonderful World” by Sam Cooke. I can’t say whether Amish people are allowed to dance, but I’m pretty sure that they’re not supposed to listen to the radio. They have the same moment of being on the verge of making out about six times before Eli comes in and rains on their parade. He is super pissed and tells Rachel that people are gossiping about her and John and that some people are saying she should be SHUNNED which is bad news. She says that he should be ashamed of himself and that she hasn’t done anything wrong. NOT YET at least.

Things are getting sticky for John’s expendable black partner back at the office. He refuses to talk to Schaeffer which is a sure way to end up on the wrong end of a gun of the hand.

Luckily this downer moment doesn’t last long as we cut to the barn raising. Blondie asks John if his “hole” is better now which is LOLworthy. When John says he’s pretty much healed, Blondie says “Good, then you can go home!” which is a huge diss by Amish standards. John is introduced to Viggo Mortensen who is always kind of making eyes at him from this point on, and really, who can blame him?


Then they spend a while raising the barn which is heartwarming and all, but this shot reminds me irresistibly of a famous scene from The Birds:


While the men are working, Rachel is quilting with some old ladies, one of whom slyly tells her that everybody thinks she’s a ho. And she totally is, as we’ll see quite soon (in case you couldn’t already tell from the whacking/letting out the trousers conversation).

It’s thunderstorming which is the director’s way of letting us know that John is suffering some major inner turmoil about whether or not to bang Rachel. We’re now treated to some sultry shots of Rachel giving herself a sponge bath… with the door open! Scandal! John walks in on her and she gives him a come hither look like the ho that she is. John may be good at raising barns, but Rachel sure knows how to pitch a tent! John is embarrassed and leaves, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to have to do some whacking tonight! The next day John explains to Rachel that if they had done the deed he would have had to stay or she would have had to go but she still seems pretty miffed.

John takes another trip to the pay phone, and on his way an obnoxious tourist lady tries to take his picture. He looks at her menacingly and says “Lady, if you take my picture with that thing I’m gonna rip your brassiere off and strangle you with it!” I’m not going to lie, if Harrison Ford said that to me I’d be totally turned on. John calls his partner and is informed that, you guessed it, he’s been killed “in the line of duty.” Whoops! John decides enough is enough and calls Schaeffer to tell him that he’s going to come find him and fuck him up.

On the way back, some douchey big city folk start harassing them and smearing ice cream on Blondie’s face and stuff so John decides to take matters into his own hands and beats the shit out of them, thus making it very easy for the cops to figure out where he is. But John is a badass and cannot be stopped.

Back at home, Samuel is playing with a wooden marble machine thingy that John made for him and which is epically cooler than Blondie’s stupid wooden sheep. Rachel now somehow knows that he’s going to go home and is not all too pleased. She very symbolically takes off her Amish bonnet and marches outside to where he’s putting up the new birdhouse and they start making out rather violently. It’s about damn time!

Unfortunately, the party ends here because Schaeffer and Co. have finally found the Lapp farm and have brought a lot of guns of the hand with them. Rachel won’t tell them where John is, so they go searching. Eli shouts a warning to John and gets smacked by Danny Glover. Meanwhile, John and Samuel are hiding in the barn. John tells Samuel to run to Blondie’s farm and stay there because he is SUCH A GOOD GUY! He then fruitlessly tries to start up his car but all it does is make a lot of noise so Fergie comes looking for him. Oh Fergie, your fate awaits! John climbs the ladder to the top of the corn silo where Fergie becomes convinced he’s hiding. He climbs into the silo and John releases the corn which buries Fergie who suffocates. It’s the coolest movie death ever. For real.


Danny Glover and Schaeffer go to investigate in the barn and when they leave the house, Eli sees that Samuel has returned for no reason and tells him to ring the bell so an Amish posse can gather and intimidate the bad guys with their godly pacifist ways or something. John digs Fergie’s shotgun out of the corn and shoots Danny Glover. Schaeffer confronts John in front of the barn while a bunch of Amish people flock to stand there and do nothing. John yells at Schaeffer for a while and he has a change of heart and surrenders his gun. I guess it’s hard to shoot somebody when that many Amish people are staring at you judgmentally.

So now all is right in Whoville, and John shares a tender moment in the grass with Samuel before leaving forever. Rachel can go back to being Amish again and marry Blondie and John can go strangle women with their brassieres and bicker with Sister Mullet. A happy ending for all!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Only You


My inaugural recap will be a bit different from the norm in that it takes the form of a (one-sided) conversation on AIM. The idea for this blog was, in fact, born of this conversation which took place after I viewed Norman Jewison's 1994 romantic comedy Only You starring Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. The movie was recommended to me by somebody who knew of my love for RDJ and I went into it expecting a pleasant trifle and some RDJ induced warm fuzzies, but what I actually experienced was something much different, although equally satisfying: a Truly Horrible Film. I am a great fan of the Truly Horrible Film as these masterpieces of the cinema offer much more potent comedy than your average intentional comedy. Only You was packed to the gills with unintentional hilarity, and left me so amused at the end that I decided to recap the entire film to my baby sister Rose (of Movie Extravaganza! fame). Read on!

amoonfellonhim: omg i watched this truly terrible robert downey jr movie today
amoonfellonhim: let me tell you the plot
amoonfellonhim: it is so ludicrous
amoonfellonhim: marisa tomei is an annoying high school teacher
amoonfellonhim: and when she was like 11 a ouija board and a fortune teller told her that her soul mate was named damon bradley
amoonfellonhim: so she was like WOW IT MUST BE TRUE
amoonfellonhim: but fast forward fifteen years and she's gonna marry this douchey foot doctor named dwayne
amoonfellonhim: until DUN DUN DUN ten days before the wedding dwayne's old friend DAMON BRADLEY calls and says he's going to venice or something
amoonfellonhim: so marisa tomei is like OMGOMGOMG MY SOUL MATE and HOPS A PLANE TO VENICE along with her sister in law who is bonnie hunt inexplicably married to marisa tomei's uber douchey brother larry who we see calling her and being like THE GUYS ARE COMING OVER FOR A POKER GAME GET BACK HERE NOW AND MAKE US SOME SANDWICHES
amoonfellonhim: so they get to venice and marisa tomei is a really talented stalker and called ahead to find out what hotel her soul mate is in and they go there but OH NO HE ALREADY CHECKED OUT A HALF HOUR BEFORE THEY GOT THERE
amoonfellonhim: so they sneak into his room and go through the trash and find a phone message and somehow trace it to some store in rome where they know him
amoonfellonhim: so they decide to drive to rome but they get lost and run out of gas and marisa tomei is a bitch and is like BONNIE HUNT IF YOU HADN'T GOTTEN US LOST WE WOULD HAVE HAD ENOUGH GAS
amoonfellonhim: oh i forgot to mention that they like verbally abused the concierge in venice because he told them damon bradley checked out and marisa tomei was like WHAT ARE YOU STUPID THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE HE IS MY SOUL MATE A OUIJA BOARD TOLD ME SO GO CHECK AGAIN
amoonfellonhim: so while marisa and bonnie are off sitting on a picturesque rock being emo bonnie tells marisa that she's leaving larry and marisa is like "BUT WHEN WE PLAYED TWISTER AS CHILDREN HE LET YOU WIN WHICH WAS HOW I KNEW HE LOVED YOU AND I WISHED SOMEBODY COULD LOVE ME THAT MUCH SOMEDAY. [LONG PAUSE] HE WOULD FIGHT TIGERS FOR YOU" lololol i am not even making that last part up that is like a direct quote
amoonfellonhim: and let me add that at this point we're like a half hour into the movie or more and robert downey jr has not appeared and he is billed second so i'm like wtf
amoonfellonhim: so anyway some kindly nuns in some kind of war vehicle give them gas and they get to rome and find the store and ask the chick working there about damon bradley and she FLIPS OUT
amoonfellonhim: and is like cursing in italian and they're like "huh? what?" so some guy translates for them that he is supposed to meet her at such and so restaurant at such and so time but she has a previous engagement
amoonfellonhim: and marisa tomei is not like "crap this chick is upset this damon guy must be a douche" but rather "OMGOMG YESSSSS I CAN FINALLY MEET HIM!!!"
amoonfellonhim: so she puts on a sassy red dress and goes to the restaurant and bonnie asks the waiter if damon bradley is there and apparently all guests announce themselves when they come in because the guy knows exactly who she's talking about and points him out
amoonfellonhim: and they only see his elbow and then marisa slickly goes over and knocks into a waiter who dumps a ginormous tray full of fish all over the place but marisa is a bitch so she's just like oops lol and then notices that OH NO DAMON BRADLEY IS LEAVING so she chases him through the streets of rome only to run smack into robert downey jr who picks up her lost shoe and chases after her
amoonfellonhim: and marisa runs into some like vaudeville theater and is like crap he's gone oh no! and finds bonnie again and says that she thinks she's going to rent a truck with a soundsystem and drive through the streets yelling DAMON BRADLEY!!!!!
amoonfellonhim: but then rdj appears and he's like dude i have your shoe
amoonfellonhim: and she straight up ignores him while he kindly like shines her shoes and puts them back on and starts gazing longingly at her and she's like BONNIE WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CLEVER PLAN and bonnie is like uhhh this guy is being nice
amoonfellonhim: and she's like wtf i don't care and starts walking away
amoonfellonhim: and then rdj is like hey bonnie wtf is up with your friend is she ok?
amoonfellonhim: and bonnie is like oh she just lost the love of her life who she has never met but a ouija board told her his name when she was 11
amoonfellonhim: and rdj is like uh ok can i help you find him? and marisa is like ugh no get away you freak
amoonfellonhim: and then rdj is like what's the guy's name? i'll try to look him up for you
amoonfellonhim: and she's like damon bradley and he's like HEY I'M DAMON BRADLEY and all of a sudden marisa has the googly eyes for him and she's like REALLY OMG LET'S GO ON A DATE SCREW YOU BONNIE SEE YOU LATER
amoonfellonhim: so they go on a very romantic date through the streets of rome and rdj buys her a rose and they talk about rilke poems or something and then suddenly they're in a carriage and rdj is like "i love trees" no lies
amoonfellonhim: and then they're suddenly back at his hotel room or something and they're making out and marisa is like "I WAS BORN TO KISS YOU" i swear i could not make this stuff up
amoonfellonhim: but then she's like oh btw there's something i should tell you and he's like YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING AND I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU and i'm like wtf you just met her like 20 minutes ago and she's a crazy bitch who flew to italy to find a guy because a ouija board told her to fifteen years ago
amoonfellonhim: but she's like oh i'm engaged and i'm supposed to get married in nine days and it's your friend dwayne lol we talked on the phone the other day
amoonfellonhim: and he's like WTF DWAYNE? OH NO WTFWTF
amoonfellonhim: but then they start making out again
amoonfellonhim: and then he's like oh i guess there's something i need to tell you because marisa is about to call dwayne and tell him the wedding's off
amoonfellonhim: and she's like lol what and he's like I'M NOT DAMON BRADLEY LOL MY NAME IS PETER AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LET YOU GET AWAY
amoonfellonhim: and she is like UGH THE ENTIRE LAST 20 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WERE A LIE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?!?
amoonfellonhim: and he's like lol i just love you too much
amoonfellonhim: and she's like THAT'S NO REASON
amoonfellonhim: and then she goes down the elevator and leaves him gazing longingly after her
amoonfellonhim: and then she and bonnie bitch about how all men are liars for a while which they spend a lot of time doing like bonnie says at one point "i married a liar... because i married a man!"
amoonfellonhim: and sometimes we get glances at what loser husband larry is doing back home like interrupting dwayne's foot surgery to be like WHERE IS MY WIFE I THINK SHE'S WITH YOUR FIANCEE UGHHH
amoonfellonhim: oh and bonnie randomly met some cassanova italian at the hotel who is busy romancing her
amoonfellonhim: so fast forward to the next day and rdj comes to visit with some flowers but only bonnie is there and she's like you're a douchey liar freak liarface
amoonfellonhim: and he's like ok well here is why it is fate that i had to love marisa
amoonfellonhim: i live a very boring life in boston and i wasn't even supposed to be in rome but my boss got adult measels and i wasn't even supposed to be in that square but i had gone to see a movie and woody allen isn't funny when dubbed in italian so i left early and was walking when BAM MARISA RAN INTO ME AND I LOOKED INTO HER EYES AND I KNEW THAT WE WERE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER AND I ASKED GOD FOR A SIGN AND HE GAVE IT TO ME WHEN SHE SAID THE NAME EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY NAME
amoonfellonhim: and bonnie is like wow that is very romantic
amoonfellonhim: but you are still a liar
amoonfellonhim: and he is like wtf you know she is crazy this damon bradley guy could be a sicko or a criminal or a horrible douche like what are the odds that he is some extra double super fantastic guy
amoonfellonhim: and bonnie is like lololol he probably isn't and rdj is like EXACTLY
amoonfellonhim: and then cut to later and bonnie is going on a date with what'shisface italian and is like oh rdj brought you flowers earlier and marisa is like WE ARE FLYING HOME TOMORROW
amoonfellonhim: but then when they're in the cab the next morning rdj comes chasing after them and is like I FOUND DAMON BRADLEY HE IS IN SUCH AND SO TOWN THREE HOURS AWAY COME LET'S LET BONNIE
amoonfellonhim: so they road trip down there and the concierge at the hotel is like OH HE'S BY THE POOL WEARING A GOLD MEDALLION
amoonfellonhim: and they go and there's this fat ugly guy in a speedo sleeping by the pool with a gold medallion and marisa is like ugh but goes to introduce herself anyway
amoonfellonhim: but THEN
amoonfellonhim: A VISION
amoonfellonhim: coming out of the pool with long curly hair and all tan and wet is BILLY ZANE WEARING A GOLD MEDALLION and some chick is like HEY DAMON!!
amoonfellonhim: and marisa is like OMG and rdj is like CRAP and marisa is like hey billy zane will you go to dinner with me and he's like YEAH SURE LOL
amoonfellonhim: and so then marisa is getting ready for her date and rdj is helping her get dressed for some reason and then before she leaves and he's like NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT I WILL STILL LOVE YOU GOOD LUCK!
amoonfellonhim: and she's like lol thanks bye billy zane is hot
amoonfellonhim: and then she's having dinner with billy zane and he orders shrimp and she's like OMG I LIKE SHRIMP TOO
amoonfellonhim: and he's like i noticed you at the pool even before you introduced yourself because we have CHEMISTRY and marisa is like lolololol i love you
amoonfellonhim: and then rdj is creepily spying on their date from the street through binoculars
amoonfellonhim: and then they all go to a party on some yacht for some reason and marisa is finding out that billy zane is actually sort of a tool who likes action movies and GASP doesn't like opera omgwtf!
amoonfellonhim: and rdj is creepily spying on them through a window
amoonfellonhim: and then billy zane tries to cop a feel like three times and marisa is like STOP I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT and pushes him and then rdj comes out of nowhere and punches billy zane and is like YOU RUINED IT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TURN HER OFF NOT MOLEST HER
amoonfellonhim: and marisa is like WTFWTFWTF because DUN DUN DUN billy zane is NOT damon bradley but some random dude rdj hired to pretend to be him
amoonfellonhim: but marisa is still throwing a hissy fit and she decides the jig is up but she sends a TELEGRAM to dwayne to tell him that the wedding's off anyway because apparently she has realized spontaneously that whether or not damon bradley exists, dwayne is a tooly foot doctor who is annoying
amoonfellonhim: so she and bonnie go back to the hotel and OH at some point bonnie told her italian boyfriend that she couldn't be with him because she's married and who is at the hotel but LARRY THE DOUCHEY HUSBAND
amoonfellonhim: and he's like i love you i miss you omgomg and she is like I MISS YOU TOO EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A HUGE ASS and they hug
amoonfellonhim: and they decide they're gonna stay in italy for a while even though they apparently have two sons back home who are now totally unsupervised
amoonfellonhim: so marisa goes to the airport and she's in line to board her flight when suddenly DAMON BRADLEY is paged to come to some desk or other
amoonfellonhim: and of course rdj is also at the airport so they both race to the desk and tap damon on the shoulder and rdj is like HEY DAMON THIS IS MARISA SHE LOVES YOU BECAUSE THE OUIJA BOARD TOLD HER SO AND I THINK SHE WANTS TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER
amoonfellonhim: and damon is like this totally dweeby middle aged guy but marisa is like lololol yeah
amoonfellonhim: and damon is just like .....
amoonfellonhim: and damon is like lolololwtf
amoonfellonhim: and marisa is like HE LOVES ME
amoonfellonhim: and damon is like DO YOU LOVE HIM?
amoonfellonhim: and marisa has to ask him to repeat it like three times for no reason but then she's like OMG I DO AGGHHHH!!!!
amoonfellonhim: so she runs to his gate but the flight has already been boarded but she's like THE MAN I LOVE IS ON THAT PLANE so suddenly all the airport guys are like oh well IN THAT CASE and help her quickly switch her ticket and get on the plane
amoonfellonhim: and she gets on and rdj is just chilling and he has his shoes off and his feet up on the seat in front of him but then he sees her and then they make out and the plane takes off into the sunset and all the airport people cheer and wave from the runway
amoonfellonhim: THE END
amoonfellonhim: LOLOLOLOLOL

Future recaps on this blog will be much more grammatically sound although will probably also have a lot of caps and LOLs.

And now for the More Appropriate Movie Poster:


An Introduction...

Welcome to Recapscallion! In this blog, I will navigate the treacherous waters of the film world and bring back (hopefully) humorous recaps of the movies I watch, both good and bad. If you don't want movies spoiled for you, you should probably leave like five minutes ago.

Many of the movies I recap on this site might be old or obscure, and nine times out of ten I will have watched them solely because some hot actor is in them. That is my way. Go with it.