Saturday, September 13, 2008

Only You


My inaugural recap will be a bit different from the norm in that it takes the form of a (one-sided) conversation on AIM. The idea for this blog was, in fact, born of this conversation which took place after I viewed Norman Jewison's 1994 romantic comedy Only You starring Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. The movie was recommended to me by somebody who knew of my love for RDJ and I went into it expecting a pleasant trifle and some RDJ induced warm fuzzies, but what I actually experienced was something much different, although equally satisfying: a Truly Horrible Film. I am a great fan of the Truly Horrible Film as these masterpieces of the cinema offer much more potent comedy than your average intentional comedy. Only You was packed to the gills with unintentional hilarity, and left me so amused at the end that I decided to recap the entire film to my baby sister Rose (of Movie Extravaganza! fame). Read on!

amoonfellonhim: omg i watched this truly terrible robert downey jr movie today
amoonfellonhim: let me tell you the plot
amoonfellonhim: it is so ludicrous
amoonfellonhim: marisa tomei is an annoying high school teacher
amoonfellonhim: and when she was like 11 a ouija board and a fortune teller told her that her soul mate was named damon bradley
amoonfellonhim: so she was like WOW IT MUST BE TRUE
amoonfellonhim: but fast forward fifteen years and she's gonna marry this douchey foot doctor named dwayne
amoonfellonhim: until DUN DUN DUN ten days before the wedding dwayne's old friend DAMON BRADLEY calls and says he's going to venice or something
amoonfellonhim: so marisa tomei is like OMGOMGOMG MY SOUL MATE and HOPS A PLANE TO VENICE along with her sister in law who is bonnie hunt inexplicably married to marisa tomei's uber douchey brother larry who we see calling her and being like THE GUYS ARE COMING OVER FOR A POKER GAME GET BACK HERE NOW AND MAKE US SOME SANDWICHES
amoonfellonhim: so they get to venice and marisa tomei is a really talented stalker and called ahead to find out what hotel her soul mate is in and they go there but OH NO HE ALREADY CHECKED OUT A HALF HOUR BEFORE THEY GOT THERE
amoonfellonhim: so they sneak into his room and go through the trash and find a phone message and somehow trace it to some store in rome where they know him
amoonfellonhim: so they decide to drive to rome but they get lost and run out of gas and marisa tomei is a bitch and is like BONNIE HUNT IF YOU HADN'T GOTTEN US LOST WE WOULD HAVE HAD ENOUGH GAS
amoonfellonhim: oh i forgot to mention that they like verbally abused the concierge in venice because he told them damon bradley checked out and marisa tomei was like WHAT ARE YOU STUPID THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE HE IS MY SOUL MATE A OUIJA BOARD TOLD ME SO GO CHECK AGAIN
amoonfellonhim: so while marisa and bonnie are off sitting on a picturesque rock being emo bonnie tells marisa that she's leaving larry and marisa is like "BUT WHEN WE PLAYED TWISTER AS CHILDREN HE LET YOU WIN WHICH WAS HOW I KNEW HE LOVED YOU AND I WISHED SOMEBODY COULD LOVE ME THAT MUCH SOMEDAY. [LONG PAUSE] HE WOULD FIGHT TIGERS FOR YOU" lololol i am not even making that last part up that is like a direct quote
amoonfellonhim: and let me add that at this point we're like a half hour into the movie or more and robert downey jr has not appeared and he is billed second so i'm like wtf
amoonfellonhim: so anyway some kindly nuns in some kind of war vehicle give them gas and they get to rome and find the store and ask the chick working there about damon bradley and she FLIPS OUT
amoonfellonhim: and is like cursing in italian and they're like "huh? what?" so some guy translates for them that he is supposed to meet her at such and so restaurant at such and so time but she has a previous engagement
amoonfellonhim: and marisa tomei is not like "crap this chick is upset this damon guy must be a douche" but rather "OMGOMG YESSSSS I CAN FINALLY MEET HIM!!!"
amoonfellonhim: so she puts on a sassy red dress and goes to the restaurant and bonnie asks the waiter if damon bradley is there and apparently all guests announce themselves when they come in because the guy knows exactly who she's talking about and points him out
amoonfellonhim: and they only see his elbow and then marisa slickly goes over and knocks into a waiter who dumps a ginormous tray full of fish all over the place but marisa is a bitch so she's just like oops lol and then notices that OH NO DAMON BRADLEY IS LEAVING so she chases him through the streets of rome only to run smack into robert downey jr who picks up her lost shoe and chases after her
amoonfellonhim: and marisa runs into some like vaudeville theater and is like crap he's gone oh no! and finds bonnie again and says that she thinks she's going to rent a truck with a soundsystem and drive through the streets yelling DAMON BRADLEY!!!!!
amoonfellonhim: but then rdj appears and he's like dude i have your shoe
amoonfellonhim: and she straight up ignores him while he kindly like shines her shoes and puts them back on and starts gazing longingly at her and she's like BONNIE WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CLEVER PLAN and bonnie is like uhhh this guy is being nice
amoonfellonhim: and she's like wtf i don't care and starts walking away
amoonfellonhim: and then rdj is like hey bonnie wtf is up with your friend is she ok?
amoonfellonhim: and bonnie is like oh she just lost the love of her life who she has never met but a ouija board told her his name when she was 11
amoonfellonhim: and rdj is like uh ok can i help you find him? and marisa is like ugh no get away you freak
amoonfellonhim: and then rdj is like what's the guy's name? i'll try to look him up for you
amoonfellonhim: and she's like damon bradley and he's like HEY I'M DAMON BRADLEY and all of a sudden marisa has the googly eyes for him and she's like REALLY OMG LET'S GO ON A DATE SCREW YOU BONNIE SEE YOU LATER
amoonfellonhim: so they go on a very romantic date through the streets of rome and rdj buys her a rose and they talk about rilke poems or something and then suddenly they're in a carriage and rdj is like "i love trees" no lies
amoonfellonhim: and then they're suddenly back at his hotel room or something and they're making out and marisa is like "I WAS BORN TO KISS YOU" i swear i could not make this stuff up
amoonfellonhim: but then she's like oh btw there's something i should tell you and he's like YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING AND I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU and i'm like wtf you just met her like 20 minutes ago and she's a crazy bitch who flew to italy to find a guy because a ouija board told her to fifteen years ago
amoonfellonhim: but she's like oh i'm engaged and i'm supposed to get married in nine days and it's your friend dwayne lol we talked on the phone the other day
amoonfellonhim: and he's like WTF DWAYNE? OH NO WTFWTF
amoonfellonhim: but then they start making out again
amoonfellonhim: and then he's like oh i guess there's something i need to tell you because marisa is about to call dwayne and tell him the wedding's off
amoonfellonhim: and she's like lol what and he's like I'M NOT DAMON BRADLEY LOL MY NAME IS PETER AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LET YOU GET AWAY
amoonfellonhim: and she is like UGH THE ENTIRE LAST 20 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WERE A LIE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?!?
amoonfellonhim: and he's like lol i just love you too much
amoonfellonhim: and she's like THAT'S NO REASON
amoonfellonhim: and then she goes down the elevator and leaves him gazing longingly after her
amoonfellonhim: and then she and bonnie bitch about how all men are liars for a while which they spend a lot of time doing like bonnie says at one point "i married a liar... because i married a man!"
amoonfellonhim: and sometimes we get glances at what loser husband larry is doing back home like interrupting dwayne's foot surgery to be like WHERE IS MY WIFE I THINK SHE'S WITH YOUR FIANCEE UGHHH
amoonfellonhim: oh and bonnie randomly met some cassanova italian at the hotel who is busy romancing her
amoonfellonhim: so fast forward to the next day and rdj comes to visit with some flowers but only bonnie is there and she's like you're a douchey liar freak liarface
amoonfellonhim: and he's like ok well here is why it is fate that i had to love marisa
amoonfellonhim: i live a very boring life in boston and i wasn't even supposed to be in rome but my boss got adult measels and i wasn't even supposed to be in that square but i had gone to see a movie and woody allen isn't funny when dubbed in italian so i left early and was walking when BAM MARISA RAN INTO ME AND I LOOKED INTO HER EYES AND I KNEW THAT WE WERE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER AND I ASKED GOD FOR A SIGN AND HE GAVE IT TO ME WHEN SHE SAID THE NAME EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY NAME
amoonfellonhim: and bonnie is like wow that is very romantic
amoonfellonhim: but you are still a liar
amoonfellonhim: and he is like wtf you know she is crazy this damon bradley guy could be a sicko or a criminal or a horrible douche like what are the odds that he is some extra double super fantastic guy
amoonfellonhim: and bonnie is like lololol he probably isn't and rdj is like EXACTLY
amoonfellonhim: and then cut to later and bonnie is going on a date with what'shisface italian and is like oh rdj brought you flowers earlier and marisa is like WE ARE FLYING HOME TOMORROW
amoonfellonhim: but then when they're in the cab the next morning rdj comes chasing after them and is like I FOUND DAMON BRADLEY HE IS IN SUCH AND SO TOWN THREE HOURS AWAY COME LET'S LET BONNIE
amoonfellonhim: so they road trip down there and the concierge at the hotel is like OH HE'S BY THE POOL WEARING A GOLD MEDALLION
amoonfellonhim: and they go and there's this fat ugly guy in a speedo sleeping by the pool with a gold medallion and marisa is like ugh but goes to introduce herself anyway
amoonfellonhim: but THEN
amoonfellonhim: A VISION
amoonfellonhim: coming out of the pool with long curly hair and all tan and wet is BILLY ZANE WEARING A GOLD MEDALLION and some chick is like HEY DAMON!!
amoonfellonhim: and marisa is like OMG and rdj is like CRAP and marisa is like hey billy zane will you go to dinner with me and he's like YEAH SURE LOL
amoonfellonhim: and so then marisa is getting ready for her date and rdj is helping her get dressed for some reason and then before she leaves and he's like NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT I WILL STILL LOVE YOU GOOD LUCK!
amoonfellonhim: and she's like lol thanks bye billy zane is hot
amoonfellonhim: and then she's having dinner with billy zane and he orders shrimp and she's like OMG I LIKE SHRIMP TOO
amoonfellonhim: and he's like i noticed you at the pool even before you introduced yourself because we have CHEMISTRY and marisa is like lolololol i love you
amoonfellonhim: and then rdj is creepily spying on their date from the street through binoculars
amoonfellonhim: and then they all go to a party on some yacht for some reason and marisa is finding out that billy zane is actually sort of a tool who likes action movies and GASP doesn't like opera omgwtf!
amoonfellonhim: and rdj is creepily spying on them through a window
amoonfellonhim: and then billy zane tries to cop a feel like three times and marisa is like STOP I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT and pushes him and then rdj comes out of nowhere and punches billy zane and is like YOU RUINED IT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TURN HER OFF NOT MOLEST HER
amoonfellonhim: and marisa is like WTFWTFWTF because DUN DUN DUN billy zane is NOT damon bradley but some random dude rdj hired to pretend to be him
amoonfellonhim: but marisa is still throwing a hissy fit and she decides the jig is up but she sends a TELEGRAM to dwayne to tell him that the wedding's off anyway because apparently she has realized spontaneously that whether or not damon bradley exists, dwayne is a tooly foot doctor who is annoying
amoonfellonhim: so she and bonnie go back to the hotel and OH at some point bonnie told her italian boyfriend that she couldn't be with him because she's married and who is at the hotel but LARRY THE DOUCHEY HUSBAND
amoonfellonhim: and he's like i love you i miss you omgomg and she is like I MISS YOU TOO EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A HUGE ASS and they hug
amoonfellonhim: and they decide they're gonna stay in italy for a while even though they apparently have two sons back home who are now totally unsupervised
amoonfellonhim: so marisa goes to the airport and she's in line to board her flight when suddenly DAMON BRADLEY is paged to come to some desk or other
amoonfellonhim: and of course rdj is also at the airport so they both race to the desk and tap damon on the shoulder and rdj is like HEY DAMON THIS IS MARISA SHE LOVES YOU BECAUSE THE OUIJA BOARD TOLD HER SO AND I THINK SHE WANTS TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER
amoonfellonhim: and damon is like this totally dweeby middle aged guy but marisa is like lololol yeah
amoonfellonhim: and damon is just like .....
amoonfellonhim: and damon is like lolololwtf
amoonfellonhim: and marisa is like HE LOVES ME
amoonfellonhim: and damon is like DO YOU LOVE HIM?
amoonfellonhim: and marisa has to ask him to repeat it like three times for no reason but then she's like OMG I DO AGGHHHH!!!!
amoonfellonhim: so she runs to his gate but the flight has already been boarded but she's like THE MAN I LOVE IS ON THAT PLANE so suddenly all the airport guys are like oh well IN THAT CASE and help her quickly switch her ticket and get on the plane
amoonfellonhim: and she gets on and rdj is just chilling and he has his shoes off and his feet up on the seat in front of him but then he sees her and then they make out and the plane takes off into the sunset and all the airport people cheer and wave from the runway
amoonfellonhim: THE END
amoonfellonhim: LOLOLOLOLOL

Future recaps on this blog will be much more grammatically sound although will probably also have a lot of caps and LOLs.

And now for the More Appropriate Movie Poster:


1 comment:

blogtest said...

This was an awesome recap - I got halfway through the movie, couldn't take it anymore, googled for a recap to see how it ends and stumbled upon this website which was even better than watching the rest of that terrible movie. The best part was how spot on you were with describing the movie - hilarious! You truly have a skill. You should recap more movies! I felt like I didn't even have to watch it to get exactly what happened by reading your post. Thanks!