Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Holiday

In honor of Christmas, I present The Holiday.


Two beautiful people make out in a garden while romantic music swells in the background. We’ve only just begun, and there’s already a fakeout! Jack Black is sitting in his home studio, recording a score for a schlocky looking movie. If only he knew that the movie he’s in is just as schlocky!

Welcome to The Holiday.

Academy Award Winner Kate Winslet offers the following voiceover: “I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, ‘Journeys end in lovers meeting.’” She immediately undercuts her own statement by saying that while that sounds awesome, she’s NEVER experienced anything like that. Because, you know, Kate Winslet is so homely and charmless that it’s hard to find love out in the cold, dark world.

We are now only a minute and a half into the film, and already there have been three red flags. A fakeout, a voiceover, and somebody quoting Shakespeare.

Anyway, Kate Winslet says that she thinks about love more than anybody else, and quotes Shakespeare again. She alludes to her own romantic difficulties by saying that she KNOWS that love is blind. It must be, since *SPOILER ALERT* she will later fall in love with Jack Black. Even though our introduction to him suggests that he may actually be a serial killer:


Cut to Cameron Diaz, driving in her swanky car and sharing an ambivalent look with her boyfriend Edward Burns while Kate Winslet talks about how for some people, love fades.

Cut to some old guy looking at an old-timey photo of a lady in a wedding dress, while Kate Winslet talks about love being lost.

Cut to Jude Law out at the bar, making eyes at a girl, while Kate Winslet talks about love being found, just for the night.

Kate Winslet knows so many things about so many people! But what about her? Her kind of love is unrequited love. She is in her office (working at a newspaper, writing articles about weddings OF COURSE), and the holiday party is just beginning. Looking around the room, she spies this man, and tells us that she has been in love with him for three years:


Now, Jude Law normally holds the monopoly on looking like a greasy dinosaur in whatever movie he’s in, but Rufus Sewell is really giving him a run for his money here.

Anyway, for some reason, Kate Winslet has been in love with Rufus for all these years, even though he’s made her life miserable. She chats with a coworker about how she and Rufus used to Do It on the regular, but that she was in love with him and he wasn’t in love with her and it was terrible. Blah blah blah. They stopped Doing It because she found out he was Doing It with yet another one of their coworkers. Her friend wisely tells her that most women don’t stay friends with the exes who cheated on them.

This conversation goes on for way longer than necessary, but luckily it does include Kate Winslet acknowledging that she’s pathetic. Unfortunately, she then starts talking about how there have been signs that maybe Rufus wants her again. She’s cut off by her boss telling her that she needs to finish her story before joining the party.

Rufus slithers into her office to chat like the slimy slug that he is. She’s like “OMG Rufus, I Ioooooved your article in today’s paper. Let me creepily quote some of it back to you, verbatim.” He’s like “Yes, I am brilliant.” Kate gives him his fancy present: a first edition of an unspecified book that she found in some used bookstore they romantically found back when they were Doing It. Rufus got her a present too (hopefully a first edition of He’s Just Not That Into You), but he doesn’t have it with him. Because he is a weasely d-bag.

They go back out into the party, where some newspaper bigwig announces that he has news. News that will affect Kate, because she’s going to have to write an article about it. Surprise! Rufus and another coworker are engaged! Seriously, does this guy ever date outside the office pool? Anyway, Kate is crushed and starts crying in public. She goes home to her picturesque cottage to wallow in misery:


In California, Edward Burns is sleeping on the couch because he and Cameron Diaz are on the rocks. He goes upstairs and finds Cameron in a rage. She throws a shoe at his face and he’s like “CAMERON! I DIDN’T SLEEP WITH THAT LADY!” Cameron doesn’t buy it, and asks him to swear on her life. He refuses. They have a boring conversation about how they’ve been having problems for a year, and how he doesn’t like how much she works. Red Flag #4: Cameron is an unemotional workaholic, married to her job. But I bet the love of a good man could cure her of these flaws!

Cameron throws him out of the house, and he’s like “You purposely screw up all of your relationships. You don’t want to be in a relationship.” Actual quote: “You just don’t want to be what I need.” God, Cameron, stop being such a selfish bitch already.

Edward Burns says that it’s super weird that she isn’t crying in this situation. And why isn’t she crying? Because… CAMERON CAN’T CRY™! She just has muscle spasms and hyperventilates. This, believe it or not, is going to be a major plot point in this movie.

Cameron says that since they’re already broken up, Edward Burns should just come clean and admit that he cheated on her. Even though the Wise Background Minority (in this case, a gardener) shakes his head at him, he confesses.


Edward Burns is a real prize, and insinuates that it’s her fault that she cheated on him. She punches him in the face. This is one of the very few satisfying moments of the entire movie.

Cameron goes inside, and is greeted by one of her employees in the movie trailer making business. I don’t know if this chick lives there as an indentured servant or what, because Cameron is still in her PJs, but whatever. Her name is Bristol, and she’s played by Kathryn Hahn. Cameron’s other employee is played by John Krasinski. You will never see them again after this scene. It’s pretty random. Anyhow, we are treated to a fake trailer for a fake movie starring Lindsay Lohan and James Franco. This is Mean Girls era Lindsay Lohan, so it’s a little poignant. The movie the trailer is for looks like it’s actually probably way better than this one. It involves explosions, and Lindsay Lohan’s father having a secret identity. And there’s this exchange:

Lindsay Lohan:
How do you happen to have two guns?
James Franco: I didn’t think one would be enough.

Sounds like comic gold.

Anyway, even amid her emotional distress, Cameron is SO GOOD AT HER JOB. She makes some suggestions for improving the trailer, and Kathryn Hahn and John Krasinski are basically just like “You are so good at your job.” Cameron says that they should all just take a few weeks off from work. They’re like “WTF, Cameron, you don’t even know what a vacation is. You are such a tightly-wound workaholic.” Cameron makes a stupid Eat, Pray, Love speech like “I wanna eat carbs and read a book! Did you know that stress makes women age prematurely! But not men! They just get hotter!” John Krasinski cutely says “Sorry.” Cameron continues to rant about how she’s more likely to be killed by a terrorist than get married and life is so unfair etc etc.

We’re about to hit Red Flag #5: a character Googles something with unrealistic results.

Now, this is probably one of the worst scenes in the whole movie. It is basically the scene that sets the rest of the events of the movie in motion, so from a plot point it is super important and necessary, but it is just so ludicrous.

Cameron types “vacation spots” into Google, but before hitting “search,” she feels the need to attempt to cry. It doesn’t work, because Cameron Can’t Cry™. She “hilariously” tries to work herself up into hysterics, but eventually decides to move on. She spends the next few minutes clicking through the results and, I shit you not, carrying on an entire conversation with herself. Sample lines:

“Bora Bora? Kayak for one? No thank you!”

“Vacation rentals? I could do that!”

She finds a home exchange website, and takes us through selecting a country (“Where do they speak English?” England!) and randomly choosing “Cotswolds” on the city list as her first choice, but eventually switching to Surrey because Cotswolds looks like a shithole.

She finds an ad that was conveniently placed by Kate Winslet. Cameron is charmed by the photo of the cottage, and Kate’s flowery prose about curling up with a hot cup of cocoa. Meanwhile, Kate is hysterically weeping in her cottage and listening to sad Christmas music. While lighting up the stove to heat up some water, she actually pauses and considers gassing herself to death. Luckily, her computer beeps at her and she turns off the gas, slaps herself in the face and yells “No point!” Seriously. This is a thing that happens in this movie. She goes to the computer and sees a message from Cameron, asking if she can rent her cottage for Christmas.

Cameron and Kate now literally carry out an IM conversation with each other where they not only exposit about what a “home swap” is, but actually say everything they’re typing OUT LOUD. It’s terrible. And like, both of these ladies are perfectly competent actresses and they’re doing the best they can, but there’s no way that this isn’t just a horrible scene.

They both are getting really excited about trading homes, but Cameron has one question for Kate.





Cameron is now 100% on board. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in an idyllic cottage that is apparently a part of some ladies-only commune? They agree to trade TOMORROW. Must be nice!

The next day, Kate is on the plane when a ~*~total hottie~*~ shows up to sit next to her. But OH NO! his girlfriend shows up and is like “Sorry honey, we’re over here” and makes a bitchy face.

Some doddering old ladies are sitting next to her instead. Kate’s life is so tragic.

She gets a text message from Rufus, asking how he can reach her while she’s on vacation. Kate actually sacks up for the first time probably in her life and tells him that she needs to fall out of love with him, so he needs to GTFO.

On her flight, Cameron apparently intends to read all of bestselling books she’s been missing out on in her life as a workaholic. She literally has a stack of nine books sitting next to her in first class. This is a real thing that people do in life, clearly.


She pops an Ambien and settles down with a sleep mask to take a nap, but then hallucinates a movie trailer about her own life. Maybe it wasn’t an Ambien after all…


Kate basks in the warmth and cranes her head out of the window of the cab like a dog.


Cameron drives through the snowy English countryside. Her town car stops at the end of a lane, because the path is too small to drive down. Cameron CAN’T BELIEVE that she has to walk the rest of the way in the stilettos that she apparently wore on her flight. Culture shock!


Kate can’t believe how huge Cameron’s house is! It has a gate and everything! She prances around and acts like the proverbial kid in a candy store/a total nutcase.


Cameron is disgusted by the ancient furnishings in Kate’s cottage. She drives into the village and experiences the classic “OMG I’m driving on the wrong side of the road” moment (AKA Red Flag #6). She nearly crashes and nearly kills a biker, but eventually makes it to the grocery store. She drinks straight from a bottle of wine while she shops which seems like a terrific idea. She buys mostly cheese, wine, and chocolate.

Back at the cottage, she drinks wine in bed and watches her newly completed movie trailer on TV. This makes her happy for 30 seconds before she gets restless and goes downstairs and lights a fire. Cameron is so bored. There is nothing to do in this picturesque cottage except watch TV, read one of the hundreds of books, and sit by the fire. Terrible. Luckily, she gets crunk and starts listening to/enthusiastically singing along to The Killers. This part is actually so true to life. The year this movie came out I was studying abroad in England and this song was playing EVERYWHERE there. Good job, music supervisor. Not so good job, Cameron. Her singing is almost unbelievably terrible.

Things die down again, and Cameron tries to read on the couch but finds it so boring that she gets into a staring contest with Kate’s dog.



Kate is having a much better time living it up at Cameron’s swanky pad. She goes swimming and avails herself of Cameron’s massive DVD collection (bigger even than mine, which is saying something! I mean, I even own THIS movie which might tell you something about my own personal issues).

A phone starts ringing to let her know that somebody is at the gate. She can’t figure out how to work it, but eventually gets through to the speaker. Jack Black and his bitchy girlfriend are at the gate. Jack is charmed when Kate swears while trying to figure out how to open it. He introduces himself to Kate as somebody who works with Edward Burns. Kate is like “I don’t know whotf that is. I just met Cameron on the internet yesterday and she didn’t give me any information about how to work her technological gadgets or the fact that she runs a business out of her house. It’s no biggie.”

The wind blows something into Kate’s eye, and in classic romantic comedy fashion, Jack helps her get it out. This is less romantic when the guy’s girlfriend is sitting two feet away. And when the guy is Jack Black. But whatever. It’s cute? He explains that the wind is the Santa Anas, and that anything can happen when the Santa Anas are blowing. Like, gorgeous and intelligent women can fall in love with Jack Black? Ok, maybe I’m being too hard on Jack Black. I should disclaim that I don’t dislike him and in fact have actually liked him in several movies. But… you know. Whatever.

Jack tells Kate that he is a film composer. Kate asks if he composed the song that’s playing in his car, and he’s like “Nope. That’s Ennio Morricone.” It’s kind of like in Bring It On when Jesse Bradford wears a Clash t-shirt to school and Kirsten Dunst asks if they’re his band.

Bitchy girlfriend is getting bored and gets out of the car, so Jack introduces her. She’s played by Shannyn Sossamon, who is an attractive lady but looks TERRIBLE here.


I think it’s the bangs.

Kate asks Jack to come back tomorrow so she can check with Cameron to make sure he’s legit. As he drives away, she sees the old man from the very beginning of the movie walking down the street.

Jet lag catches up with Kate, and she flops into bed in the middle of the afternoon.


Cameron lies awake in bed in the middle of the night, and somebody starts pounding on the door. When she calls out to ask who’s there, Kate’s claim that there are no men in her town is proved false. Jude Law is at the door, asking to be let in and threatening to pee on the front door. He’s REALLY embarrassed when Cameron opens the door. You see, he’s Kate’s brother, and apparently shows up drunk on her doorstep on the regular. He forgot Kate was out of town.

Jude is hammered. He apologizes for intruding, and Cameron explains the whole home swap thing. Jude is like “But Kate never takes vacations! How out of character for her!”

He asks how her vacation is going, and she says it’s so terrible that she’s going home tomorrow. She can’t believe she went through with this stupid idea! Even though they’re both already pretty crunk, they decide to pop open a bottle of brandy. Jude awkwardly and abruptly asks if she’s married. Don’t you think her husband would be here if she were, dummy? They establish that they’re both single, and get to the drinking. Cameron agrees to let him stay the night. I wonder where this is heading?

Jude asks Cameron why she decided to take a transcontinental trip on a whim, and she explains that she dumped her boyfriend yesterday and didn’t want to be alone for the holidays, but oops, now not only is she alone, but she’s in a place where she literally knows nobody. Nice thinking, Cameron. She’s all like “LOL I’m such a wreck. I bet you’re sorry you came here and had to listen to my sad and weird story” but Jude is like “Actually I’m super glad to be here (because you’re hot).” She says goodnight, and he responds by saying “Sweet dreams” and kissing her on the lips. You know, the traditional English way of saying goodnight to a stranger. Not at all weird.

Then they Do It.

Well, actually, first Cameron is like “Let’s kiss four times as an experiment.” Jude is like “I kiss strangers all the time.” Cameron is like “Since we’re both drunk and I’m on vacation, let’s Get It On. Oh, but spoiler alert, I’m not good at sex according to my ex-boyfriend.” Jude is like “I don’t believe that! How could a hot lady like you be bad at sex? Impossible! How do you feel about foreplay?” and Cameron is like “Hate it. Overrated.” Jude is like


The next morning Jude is like “I can’t find my contacts! Oh no, I have to put on my glasses” and it’s like woah, he’s not a British beefcake anymore. He looks like a REAL intellectual. He’s so smart that he’s able to solve the mystery of why Cameron can’t make the coffee maker work (it’s not plugged in, duh-doy!).

They have an awkward conversation about how last night was a one time thing, you don’t need to worry about it bro, oh you weren’t bad at sex btw Cameron, etc etc. Jude’s phone rings and Cameron is a creeper and reads the caller ID. OMG, it’s a woman! Sophie. Jude is like “LOL I will call her back.” Remember this moment, as I will have retroactive outrage about it later on.

Cameron tries to pour him a cup of coffee, but he has to run. She starts to feel cheap, but Jude is like “My life is totes complicated. You wouldn’t want to be involved with me anyway. You are better off.” Cameron is like, “You too. I am also a mess. Also, I promise not to fall in love with you… not to be an asshole or anything. I think I’m not capable of love.” Jude is like “I find you fascinating” with zero sarcasm.

Oh my god, I can’t believe this scene is still going on. If this is the most boring recap of all time, please do not blame me. I’m trying. Anyway, Jude literally has his foot out the door, but he can’t stop yammering on about how usually he hurts women by accident because he is a doofus, and he never remembers to call after a date, but oh wait, this wasn’t a date so he’s off the hook, but oh wait, what if I want to call you? Cameron is like “Back off, buddy.” Jude doesn’t know when to stop and says that if she doesn’t end up leaving, she should come find him at some restaurant later. Then he FINALLY leaves.

At the airport, Cameron has a sudden change of heart due to yet another hallucination of a movie trailer about her life (this one featuring the voiceover “Amanda wasn’t looking for love, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t find her!”). Red Flag #7: a character makes it all the way to her gate at the airport, then changes her mind and leaves.


Kate wakes up, turns on “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” by Jet (which I think was already a little passé by the time this movie came out, but whatevs) and starts dancing around in her pajamas like a lunatic, all without ever actually standing up. Her buzz is killed when Rufus calls, clearly violating her very reasonable request that he leave her the fuck alone. She thinks he’s calling because he’s realized he’s in love with her, but actually he just wants her to critique some pages from the book he’s working on. What a douche. He makes a lecherous comment about some bikini she used to have, and her heart is so warmed. But then she hears him talking to his fiancée and remembers that she is a moron.


Jude arrives at the restaurant and sees Cameron waiting for him. He smiles lecherously.


Kate is driving home from somewhere and sees the old man, who appears to be lost. She pulls over and asks if he needs a ride. He asks if she knows where he lives, and she says she does. He introduces himself as Arthur, and explains that the neighborhood has been torn down and rebuilt so many times that he doesn’t recognize anything anymore, which is why he got lost. He asks Kate what part of England she’s from, and in the hands down winner for worst line reading so far this movie (which is impressive considering that it’s just one word), she gets weirdly excited and emphatically says “Surrey!” She has serious crazy eyes going, too. Arthur doesn’t notice, and says “Oh yeah, Cary Grant was from Surrey. He told me so once.” Kate is like “Hold up, what now?”

She helps him out of the car, and he says that they had a great “meet cute.” This is all to establish that he is a former screenwriter from the golden age of Hollywood. Kate is very considerate, helping him open doors, but then she walks into his house uninvited which is a little weird. She starts snooping and sees he has a ton of awards lying around, including an Oscar! When Kate spies the Oscar, you can practically see her salivating.


Not knowing when to leave is apparently a family trait for Kate and Jude, because before she gets out of there, she takes a long look around and then asks him to go to dinner with her. Sadly this is a more believable romantic pairing than Kate and Jack Black. But anyway, Arthur is thrilled!

At dinner, Arthur tells Kate charming stories about his career in Hollywood. He segues into asking why Kate is spending Christmas alone and hanging out with a random old person. Kate tells him about Rufus and starts crying in public AGAIN. They both call him a schmuck, and Arthur tells Kate that all women are either leading ladies or best friends, and Kate needs to start acting like a leading lady. Which, like, what the f does that even mean? That half the women in the world are just Judy Greer in any movie she’s ever been in 24/7? Anyway, Kate thinks this is the most inspirational thing she’s ever heard, and complains that her therapist has never explained anything to her so well before.


Cameron and Jude talk about how drunk she got last night after they met up at the restaurant or whatever. She has the BIGGEST HANGOVER :(

Cameron doesn’t remember what happened that night, and is embarrassed to find her bra hanging on a chair? But they already have seen each other naked so I don’t see what the big deal is… But anyway, she asks if they Did It, and he says no. She asks why, and she said because she was unconscious. HE IS SUCH A GENTLEMAN. She wonders why he stayed when she was such a hot mess, but he says that she begged him to stay. He’s ok with it though, because hanging with her is like an adventure. His words.

His phone rings, and Cameron looks at the caller ID AGAIN and sees that it’s a girl named Olivia. STOP SNOOPING, YOU CREEP. Jude says he has to take it and Cameron is totes jealous. He takes the phone outside, and she spies on him talking and laughing and actually says “Sophie, Olivia, Amanda… busy guy!” out loud.

Jude comes back and tells her that they need to go have a falling in love montage. Well actually he says they should go get lunch and get to know each other. But same diff.

They have been sitting at the restaurant for like two seconds, and Cameron starts barraging him with questions about his life. Jude is a book editor OF COURSE because he wears glasses, duh. He’s like “LOL don’t you know how to date? I feel like I’m on a job interview!” Then he says since they already Did It they don’t need to be so formal with each other. He tells her about how his whole family is in publishing, and his mom is a very important lady at Random House or something. Which leads me to believe that Kate must really be the black sheep of the family since she just works writing about weddings for some newspaper.

Now it’s Cameron’s turn, and she tells him about her high-flying career as a movie trailer maker. He is surprised to hear that she owns the company, and she says that she didn’t want to tell him at first, but now that she knows that he had a strong working mom, she thinks he can handle the truth and not be intimidated. Feminism? Ugh, this movie is the worst.

Jude makes the fatal mistake of asking Cameron about her family, and she does a frowny face and tells him her sad, sad origin story. Her parents broke up when she was 15, which was a SHOCK to her because they were so close and called themselves the Three Musketeers. She thought they were joking when they told her, but then she saw her dad’s suitcase and knew it was for realsies. She cried herself to sleep the night her dad left, but then decided that she needed to SACK UP! And she hasn’t cried or, I shit you not, bought a backpack or suitcase since. Don’t ask me how she transported her stack of nine books or endless supply of stilettos across the Atlantic Ocean without a suitcase. In her emotional baggage?

Jude is like “OMG, you haven’t cried since you were 15? WTF?” But seriously, that is not the weirdest part of what she just told you, dude! SHE HAS NEVER BOUGHT A BACKPACK OR A SUITCASE. She explains that she’s tried to cry but it doesn’t work. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He tells her that he cries “more than any woman you’ve ever met.” He then rattles off a list of things that make him cry:




Now that Jude has admitted that he’s a big crybaby, they can have their falling in love montage for real. They feed each other, walk through an English garden giggling, make out in front of a fountain, make out against an old stone wall, and Red Flag #8 – he picks her up and twirls her around.

Later on they pull up to the cottage and tell each other that they had such a great time. Cameron tells him that he doesn’t need to walk her in because it’s cold, and he’s like “OH I SEE. YOU DON’T WANT ME TO COME IN.” She says she wants to take a nap, but it’s a lie. She just thinks it’s SO complicated because she’s leaving in nine days.

Cameron offers this pearl of wisdom: “Sex makes everything complicated. Even when you don’t have it, the not having it makes things complicated.”

Jude: “Which is usually why it’s better to have it. Some say.”

He promises not to come drunkenly banging on her door again, and she says she’ll see him around.


Jack Black shows up at Kate’s house and is surprised to see that she seems to be having some kind of party. On his way in, he hands her a Fed Ex envelope that was outside. It’s the pages from Rufus’s book, and he didn’t even include a note with them because he’s SUCH A JERK. Poor Kate, boo hoo. Luckily, she is in the middle of a Hanukkah party with a bunch of old men. Jack Black asks if she converted in the last 24 hours (not that her religion came up in your one conversation, Jack Black, you don’t know her life!) but she says it’s because she just made friends with all of Arthur’s friends who are apparently all Jewish. She invites him to join the festivities.

Everybody is having a GREAT TIME. You can tell because they’re all laughing and Jack Black makes a joke about drinking too much Manischewitz. They all start talking about the loves of their lives, and Jack Black tells them about his bitchy girlfriend Shannyn Sossamon who is shooting on location in New Mexico.

After the old guys leave, Jack Black tells Kate what a great party it was, and then says some exposition stuff about how Arthur is one of the last remaining legends of that era or something. Apparently, Arthur was responsible for changing “Here’s looking at you, Ilsa” to “Here’s looking at you, kid.” Red Flag #9: historical retcon. Kate says that Arthur has a list of movies she needs to see, and Jack Black offers to watch some with her. OMG TRUE LOVE IN THE MAKING.

Now, this is the first time that I’ve REALLY wanted to be able to post a clip in one of these recaps, but of course I couldn’t find it on Youtube. You’ll just have to take my word for it that Jack Black’s reading of the following line is totally bonkers: “The brisket was great, and those chocolate-covered macaroons… delectable!” It’s basically like Jack Black was given this line and thought, “Hmm, this sounds like something a grownup would say. I must make it more Jack Black-ish by over-annunciating every word like a jackass.”



Cameron takes a bath and talks to herself about what a jerk she is for her weird conversation with Jude earlier. Another movie trailer voiceover starts up, talking about how she pushes men away and does she even want to change? She tells the voice in her head to shut up. Danger signs, y’all.

She decides to go for it with Jude and goes over to his house with some food and a bottle of wine. When he answers the door, she is surprised to see and hear some telltale signs of Jude having another woman over. UGH I BET IT’S ONE OF THOSE BITCHES WHO WAS CALLING HIM is probably what she is thinking. Jude admits that he isn’t alone. BUT SHOCKER! IT’S HIS TWO DAUGHTERS….. SOPHIE AND OLIVIA! She makes this face when she sees the first child:


God knows what she thought was going on before he explained to her that she’s his daughter. Or, in his words: “Yes, I am daddy.”

So this is the rant I referred to way long ago when Cameron saw Sophie’s name on the caller ID. So many things are wrong here. First, do both of his daughters have personal cell phones that make their names pop up on caller ID? They are like six years old tops. And remember how Jude has spent the last two nights having an adult sleepover with Cameron? WHERE WERE HIS CHILDREN????????? And REMEMBER HOW HE DID NOT TAKE THAT FIRST CALL? FROM HIS CHILD??????????????? Ugh!!!!

Anyway, Jude invites her in. She is embarrassed to be wearing a sexy outfit, but the girls think she’s sooooo glamorous and beautiful and one of them says “You look like my Barbie.”

She covertly asks him if he’s divorced, but he tells her that he’s a widower. POOR JUDE! YOU MUST HEAL HIM WITH YOUR LOVE, CAMERON!

They all sit down around the kitchen table to drink hot chocolate. These children are really precious and one of the only things I like about the movie. They ask Jude to do “Mr. Napkin Head” which is basically exactly what it sounds like. Jude puts a napkin on his face and puts his glasses on over it. It’s hilarious? Or something.

Jude proves that he is such a good father in this scene by telling the girls to blow on their hot chocolate before drinking it, and turning the Mr. Napkin Head routine into an anti-smoking PSA.


Sophie excitedly tells Cameron that they have a tent in their room and asks if she wants to see it. Jude is like “Now now girls, Cameron doesn’t want to see your stupid-ass tent.” Olivia then looks very sad and says “You don’t like tents?” They go upstairs and see a weirdly elaborate and huge tent which is basically like a seven-year-old girl’s version of Troy and Abed’s blanket fort. They all lie down in it and talk about how cozy and beautiful it is. She asks who made the decorations, and they tell her that they all did and refer to themselves as the Three Musketeers! OMG, just like Cameron’s broken family!

The little girls LOVE Cameron and tell her she smells good and has pretty eyeshadow. It’s just a very accurate portrayal of how children react when their single parents start dating.

Here is an actual line of dialogue: “We never have grownups here that are girls… I really like it.” So does Kate never visit her nieces? What a b!

When the girls are in bed, Jude talks about what a big hit Cameron was. She’s like “Oh hey, whytf didn’t you tell me you have children.” Valid. He says it’s too hard being a single guy when people know you have kids. But dude, I’ve seen enough movies and TV shows to know that guys with kids are chick magnets. But whatever. He says he’s a working dad, both a mother and a father.

Moral of the story: he doesn’t know how to be a dad and a boyfriend.


Kate goes over to Arthur’s house and he immediately starts talking about how different Hollywood is today. Apparently whoever wrote this movie has an axe to grind, because Arthur complains that there are nine movies opening this weekend, and so a movie has to make a killing or else it’s a failure! “This is supposed to be conducive to great work?” Is that an excuse for why this movie is so terrible?

Kate has brought in the mail, and there’s a letter from the Writers Guild of America. Arthur isn’t interested in reading it because they keep writing to him about how they want to have a tribute to him. But he’s so humble and self-effacing that he doesn’t want to do it. Also he is embarrassed that he is old and can’t walk without a walker. Kate argues that if he exercises a little, he could walk on stage just fine, and she would be his date.

Now we have the old man version of the classic training montage. He walks in a pool. Kate kicks his walker away from him as he reaches for it. It’s charming?


Jude calls Kate. I was going to try to write something funny about it, but actually nothing can beat the actual words that they say:

So are you ever coming home?
Kate: Oh my god, hi!
Jude: How’s it going?
Kate: Great, I met a really nice guy.
Jude: See, and you said you’d never! What’s he like?
Kate: He’s really cute. I feel great when I’m with him, which is an entirely new experience, and he’s about ninety years old.

She explains that he’s Cameron’s neighbor, and mentions that he should meet Cameron. He’s like “Been there, done that. Literally.” At that exact moment, Cameron calls! Speak her name and she doth appear. Kate says she has Jude on the other line, and Cameron is like “OMG JUDE? HOW IS HE?” Kate’s like “Um, he’s fine. BRB.” Kate switches over to Jude and she tells him Cameron is calling. He’s like “OMG CAMERON? HOW IS SHE?” Ugh. So finally she figures out that they Did It. She transfers to Jude and says “I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH THE WOMAN STAYING IN MY HOUSE!” But whoops, she didn’t actually transfer! LOLOL. She transfers again and says a more detailed shouty version of the above. But whoops, she still has Cameron on the line. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

Another call comes in, and it’s Jack Black! They arrange to go to the video store together.

Jack Black is soooo sweet and brings her a frappuccino at Blockbuster. Double the product placement, double the ugh. They look at movies and Jack Black feels the need to comment only on movies with famous scores, and then sings the scores because he is Jack Black. Kate is so charmed! Because I really think she was dropped on her head as a child. Jack picks up The Graduate and busts out some Simon & Garfunkel, and we cut to Dustin Hoffman in the next aisle. Dustin shakes his head and says “Can’t go anywhere.” LOL? According to the internet, Dustin Hoffman just happened to be in the neighborhood the day they were shooting this scene and agreed to do a cameo. Probably because he saw Kate Winslet and thought this was a real movie. Egg on his face!

Anyway, they’re having such a great time, until OMG! Jack Black sees Shannyn Sossamon outside canoodling with some doofus. He runs after them and they yell at each other on the street while Kate’s heart slowly breaks for him. They go back to Kate’s place and he whines about how he always falls for the bad girl. They commiserate about how they’re both in love with assholes. Kate tries to cheer him up by telling the story of Rufus. But then she ends up just ranting about how she’s wasted so much time and her life is so sad! Jack is like “You need this booze more than I do.” Way to steal his sad thunder, Kate! Geez. They hug and have some Christmas fettuccini.


Cameron is also having Christmas fettuccini. Is this a thing?


Kate and Jack Black help Arthur try on fancy suits.


Cameron goes hiking in the picturesque English countryside and tries to make herself cry. And fails.

Jude hangs out at home with his children, but can’t stop thinking about Cameron.

Cameron starts packing, and Jude shows up at her door. They immediately start making out.


At Jack Black’s home studio, he plays Kate the theme music he wrote for Arthur to walk on stage to at his tribute. It’s a jaunty little song and Kate is like “OMG Jack Black, you are sooo talented.” He tells her he wrote one for her too, and starts to play it. It’s soooooooooooooooooo beautiful that her heart melts. He ruins it by singing nonsense words over it. The words: “Iris lives next door to Arthur. He’s a doodly-doo. And also a scroodly-doo. A froodly-doo.” For real.


Cameron and Jude have just Done It again. Jude is like “Cameron you are so good at sex you were totally wrong that one time you said you were bad at it.” Cameron is like “Our situation is so complicated” for the hundredth time. Jude wants to do a long-distance relationship, but Cameron can’t even make it work when she lives in the same house as her boyfriend! Cameron then annoyingly explains in detail how their potential relationship will ultimately fall apart. Because she is always pushing people away! So they should just leave it as a fling. Jude is like “You are so depressing. I’m in love with you.” UGH. He looks so smarmy when he says this. He goes on a whole rant about how he loves her which I wouldn’t bother recapping except that this amazing moment happens. He says he knows that he’s a package deal, having kids and all. And then, and I quote:


You heard it here first, ladies.

He ends on basically “All I want for Christmas is you.” Cameron is like, “I didn’t expect this. Don’t look at me. I don’t know what to say. Ummmmmm” and he’s like Cameron is like “Shut up I want to Do It again now please.” So they do.


Kate and Jack Black sit at a restaurant talking once again about Arthur’s list of classic movies they need to watch. Jack Black accidentally touches her boob and then talks about it for too long because he is Jack Black. But Kate finds it HILARIOUS. Buzzkill! Shannyn Sossamon calls Jack Black and wants to meet up. He rudely makes plans with her right in front of Kate. And then keeps checking his watch. She’s like “No worries bro, just go! I’ll see you at Arthur’s thing.” He says he’s not sure if he can make it. Kate is like It runs in the family.

Kate goes back to the house and starts to read the pages Rufus sent to her. The phone rings, and it’s Rufus! And he’s at the house! And he has her Christmas present! All of her dreams are coming true! He says he came because he had to see her. And he hated when he could no longer see her or talk to her and he just doesn’t want to lose her! She is super confused by his mixed signals.

Meanwhile, Shannyn Sossamon is begging for Jack Black’s forgiveness.


Cameron and Jude lie in bed and Cameron looks sad and conflicted. Jude is snoozing contentedly.


Kate and Rufus cuddle on the couch and he says they should go on a romantic trip to Venice. She’s like “For real? You aren’t single.” He says he just flew halfway around the world to see her, but she is wise to his mind games and points out that that’s not really an answer to her question. She asks if he’s still with his fiancée, and he’s like “Can’t you just be happy that I’m confused? :(”

All of a sudden, Kate finally realizes that they’re not right for each other, and she doesn’t love him anymore! It’s a Christmas miracle! She tells him off for being such a jag and jerking her around for all these years. She was actually starting to redeem herself as a character until she said “I’ve got a life to start living… and you’re not going to be in it!” with this truly psychotic look on her face.

She slams the door in his face, literally screams with excitement, and gets all dolled up to take Arthur to his tribute. He asks if his tie looks ok because he hasn’t worn one in 15 years! How sweet? He bought her a corsage because he’s old-school.

They arrive at the theater and find that it’s packed! Arthur is flabbergasted and everybody’s heart is warmed. It’s time to go on stage, but there are stairs to walk up! Arthur doesn’t think he can do it, but suddenly Jack Black’s song starts playing and it gives him the courage to do it! He does a jaunty jig up the stairs and everybody cheers.

Jack Black arrives! Kate is so excited. He tells her that he is SO DONE with Shannyn Sossamon and that she looks BEAUTIFUL.

Arthur gives a speech and it’s heartwarming. Arthur is the only likeable or interesting character in this movie, btw.

Anyway, Jack Black asks Kate what she’s doing for New Years, and she says she’ll be back in England. He then literally says “You know, I’ve never been to England.” YOU PEOPLE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 20 MINUTES!!!!!! DON’T INVITE YOURSELF TO HER COUNTRY YOU CREEP! But she is a nutjob and is like “Yes, you should come to England.” They kiss.



Cameron and Jude are saying goodbye. They promise to email each other every day and have no rules in their “relationship.” They kiss. She gets in the car, and drives off. The driver asks how her holiday was and she’s like “Best holiday ever!” She starts having some kind of hot flash, and then OMG SHE STARTS TO CRY! IT’S ANOTHER CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!!!!!! She is so happy to be crying and the driver is like “This lady is going to murder me probably.” Movie trailer voiceover guys says “Amanda Woods… welcome back!” Somewhere in this movie there is a second movie happening about Cameron’s struggles with schizophrenia, I swear.

She predictably tells the driver to stop the car and runs back to the cottage. OMG, remember when she was sooooo mad that she had to walk down this lane at the beginning of the movie? She has grown SO MUCH as a human being.

Back at the cottage, she finds Jude staggering around, weeping. She says that she wants to stay for New Years with him and his children.


Kate, Jack Black, Jude, Cameron and the children all hang out and everybody acts like they’re on shrooms or something. They are one big happy unconventional family! Jack Black and Cameron have a dance-off. Kate and Jude dance with each other in a slightly creepy manner for siblings. They start a conga line. Typical family stuff. We end the movie with nothing resolved in regards to how these couples are going to deal with the fact that they live on different continents, but for now they’re happy. And I’m just happy it’s over.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I’ve been thinking about updating this blog for the last eleven months. Really, I have. I’ve even started recaps of such illustrious films as Crossroads and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, but nothing really stuck. I’ve considered recapping a Twilight movie in the past, but I always feared that it’s been done to death already (no pun intended). But it’s almost Halloween, and I thought it might be nice for a change to recap a movie that came out in the last five years. Cards on the table, I’ve had some wine. So here goes…

In case you haven’t seen the first two Twilight movies, here’s all you need to know.


Twilight: Bella is an angsty teen who has recently moved to the improbably rainy Forks, Washington to live with her estranged father. Everybody loves her because she’s the most beautiful girl ever or something, but she doesn’t give a fuck until she meets Edward Cullen. She discovers that he and his family are all vampires, but luckily they only eat animals. Some nasty vampires decide they want to kill Bella after they find the Cullens playing baseball during a thunderstorm (?), so Edward and his family dismember Volchok from The OC and set his parts on fire which really pisses off his girlfriend, Victoria. Also, Edward and Bella are in ~*~true love~*~.


New Moon: Bella is a clutz and maims herself at the birthday party Edward and his family throw for her, and Edward’s vampire brother Jasper accidentally almost eats her because he is a n00b. Edward decides it’s too dangerous for them to be together and viciously dumps her in the woods. Bella stares out the window for about three months and then becomes a danger junkie because every time she does something risky, The Ghost of Edward Cullen appears and says things like “No, Bella. It’s too dangerous.” She becomes closer with her Native American friend Jacob who simultaneously falls in love with her and becomes a werewolf. Victoria wants to kill Bella, but Jacob and his werewolf pals protect her. Through a classic long-distance phone call misunderstanding, Edward thinks that Bella is dead and decides to kill himself. But rather than do it in a normal or logical way, he decides to expose his glittery flesh to some Italians so that an old-school vampire sect call the Volturi will get pissed off and kill him. Bella gets there in time to stop him, but the Volturi are assholes and insist that they’ll only let him go free if he promises to turn Bella into a vampire, which is what she wants anyway. Edward proposes to Bella in the forest.


A scruffy youth ventures out into the rain at night. Out of nowhere, he’s thrown to the ground by a mysterious figure. “Who’s there?” he asks. Who indeed? The figure whooshes by and knocks him down again.


He runs to the docks and contemplates jumping into the water. Unfortunately, the whooshing figure slashes his arm, and he writhes around screaming for a while. Looked like just a flesh wound to me, but whatevs. Intro over.

A classic moody, pseudo-intellectual Bella voiceover says: “Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if I had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction, ice is also great and would suffice.” Fakeout! She’s actually reading some Robert Frost aloud to Edward in a field full of flowers. Typical teenage romance stuff. Also, SO thematically relevant to the whole ancient feud between vampires and werewolves. This movie is already super deep.

Edward starts trying to make out with Bella, but she’s like “s0rry Edward. I have f1nals and need 2 study LOL.” Edward glitters, and asks her to marry him again. She’s like “Sorry bro, no means no… unless you turn me into a vampire.” He says he will if she agrees to marry him. In the immortal words of Ginger Spice, “Have you not heard of the word compromisation?”

Bella still isn’t having any of it. She says that people would think it was a shotgun wedding since she’s so young, and the divorce rate is SO high and blah blah blah. Edward says that the human/vampire divorce rate is lower. I don’t really see his point, unless he means because the vampires always accidentally eat their spouses. She shuts him down again and heads home.

Now, I should mention that Bella’s dad is in my opinion the only genuinely hot-looking guy in the entire Twilight series. Possibly because he is the only one who is not a teenager and is not forced to wear the terrible “vampire makeup.” All the same, I’m on Team Charlie.

Bella and her hot dad get quippy with each other about how he doesn’t approve of her relationship with Edward because of how she became a danger junkie because of him in the last movie and almost died a few times. He tells her that she won’t be grounded anymore if she starts hanging out with people other than Edward every once in a while. Like Jacob.


Bella is like “Oh LOL, I remember that dude. He fixed my motorcycle and gave me a dreamcatcher and took his shirt off a lot. We have a normal friendship.” He doesn’t want to take her calls because of the ancient feud between vampires and werewolves.

She decides to go visit Jacob, but her car won’t start. Edward creepily vampire-zooms into the passenger seat and glowers at her. Apparently his vampire sister Alice had a vision of Bella going see Jacob, so he’s jealous. He claims he’s just worried about her safety because in the last movie, Jacob said he would have to werewolf-kill her if she became a vampire. But really he is just intimidated by Jacob’s ripped torso or whatever.

At school the next day, Bella hangs with her human friends in the cafeteria. They have wholesome teenage fun, teasing each other and trying to help Academy Award nominee Anna Kendrick write her valedictorian speech. THIS IS THE LIFE YOU WANT TO GIVE UP, BELLA?

Vampire siblings/lovers (I know, right?) Jasper and Alice drop by the table to announce that they’re throwing a graduation party. Jasper says, “After all, how many times are we gonna graduate high school?” WINKWINKNUDGENUDGE

Edward and Bella poop on Alice’s parade by alluding to how Bella almost got eaten at the last Cullen soiree. And really, who can blame them? Bella was the only human at that party and it went from zero to near-bloodbath in like 20 minutes. Now they want to invite the whole senior class over? I love internal logic.

Suddenly Alice looks nauseous, which means she’s having a vision.

Later on, Bella and Edward are hanging out by the police station. Bella wants to know what Alice saw, but he doesn’t want to tell her for typical creepy overprotective reasons. He changes the subject to how Bella’s dad is randomly talking to some people from Seattle whose son went missing. So apparently they decided to enlist the help of a backwoods sheriff? Whatever. It’s all just an excuse for Edward to mention how lots of vampire shit has been going on in Seattle for a while. If it gets worse, the Volturi are going to step in, because they are like Vampire INTERPOL. Bella is worried that they’ll take a detour to Forks and notice that she’s still a human which means they would probably destroy Edward.

Edward REALLY doesn’t want Bella to become a vampire, so he devises a super clever plan to take her to Florida to visit her mom. Once Bella turns, she won’t be able to see her family anymore because of how she’ll never get old and that’s a little hard to explain, as is glittering in the bright Florida sun. Unfortunately, Bella has clearly demonstrated throughout the previous two films that she doesn’t give a shit about anything except her ~*~true love~*~ with Edward so it’s not likely to work.

Bella lies out in the sun with her mom, and they talk about how Bella is going to go to college in Alaska (so she won’t sparkle in front of her peers because their nights are longer or something). They have a very heavy-handed conversation about making the right life choices and then her mom gives her a quilt made out of t-shirts. It’s heartwarming or something.

Meanwhile, back in Forks, the Cullens sans Edward stand around in the forest waiting for Victoria. Apparently, Alice’s lunchtime vision was of Victoria coming back to town. From what I can tell, she just came by to go for a jog in the woods because she doesn’t try to do anything else. The Cullens chase her into werewolf territory, where werewolves are conveniently waiting. Everybody zooms through the forest for a while and do lots of Crouching Tiger style leaps across rivers and shit.


Vampire Emmett accidentally jumps into werewolf territory and it kills the mood and everybody goes home.

Edward and Bella are back from their vacation, and SURPRISE! Jacob is standing outside of the school when they arrive the next day, wearing his bad boy black t-shirt and looking like a real sourpuss. He’s mad that Emmett touched werewolf soil with his filthy stinky vampire feet and warns him to stay off their land. Edward and Jacob glower at each other for a solid 45 seconds, but Jacob starts to leave when Bella is like “y didn’t u return my callz?” She goes after him and Edward gets really sore about it. He’s like “I trust you Bella but I don’t trust him. I am definitely the first person to say that ever.” Bella responds by hopping on the back of Jacob’s motorcycle.

Bella and Jacob take a scenic motorcycle ride to the reservation. Within 30 seconds of their arrival, four shirtless dudes literally come running out of a house to say hi to Bella.


They proceed to humiliate Jacob by telling her about how they can all read his mind when they’re wolves and he’s always thinking really dorky things like “Should I call Bella and hang up?”


Some bitch named Leah whose dad maybe died in the last movie or something comes out and gives Bella the stinkeye and tells her to stop torturing Jacob. Another shirtless guy and his girlfriend arrive and are happy to see her. The girlfriend, I should mention, has a fucked up face. In the last movie there was a charming anecdote about how her boyfriend (Sam) turned into a wolf and scratched her up when they were fighting because of his uncontrollable masculinity or something. It was gross.

Anyhow, Sam tells Bella that the pack has their eye on Victoria so she shouldn’t worry. Basically, all of the many supernatural beings in Forks have nothing better to do than protect Bella because she is the most special girl of all time. The shirtless dudes all run off to have an orgy or something, leaving Bella and Jacob alone.

Jacob tells her about how Leah joined the pack when her dad died and how he hates having her around because she was in a love triangle with Sam and his girlfriend which makes things a little awkward when they’re all wolfing-out and reading each other’s minds. This leads Jacob to tell Bella about “imprinting” which is apparently important in the next movie but whatever. It sounds dumb and creepy.

“Like when you see her, everything changes. All of a sudden, it’s not gravity holding you to the planet. It’s her. Nothing else matters. You would do anything, be anything for her.” So basically you turn into Edward Cullen?

Jacob assures her that he hasn’t imprinted on her, but the freakout he has when she tells him about her plan to go full vampire after graduation isn’t very convincing on that score. He’s like, “but I need more time 2 make u luv me. haven’t u seen my abz?”

In case you were thinking that it couldn’t get grosser than Edward’s stalky creepy protective father vibe, check out what Jacob says next.


Cool grammar, bro.

Meanwhile, somebody is creeping in Bella’s bedroom. At first you think it’s Edward because that’s basically his MO 24/7, but it’s actually scared scruffy guy from the opening sequence. He goes through her stuff for a while and then sniffs her sweater.


By the time Bella gets home, the dude is gone and Charlie gets in a dig at Edward for keeping her out past dinnertime. She tells him she was with Jacob and he’s like “Oh LOL nm.”

Edward knocks on the door literally 30 seconds after she goes in, but he doesn’t seem to know about her bedroom intruder so I guess he was only mildly stalking tonight. He gives Bella shit for making him worry so much, but gets distracted when he smells something funky and realizes that somebody has been in the house. In the immortal words of Buffy Summers, “Did anybody ever tell you the whole smelling people thing's a little gross?”

The Cullens have an emergency vampire conference to try to figure who the creeper was. They determine that it wasn’t Victoria or the Volturi because Alice hasn’t had any visions about them. Does that mean that Alice just has visions about them 24/7 and always knows exactly what they're doing? I really don’t understand what her powers are but they seem very contrived. But whatever. Vampires are so magical, or something. They decide everybody will take turns guarding Bella’s house. I expected Edward to be like “Dudes, welcome to my life already. It’s covered.”

Bella is all, “But you won’t have time to protect me and my dad all the time! Vampires have to eat! I’ll just make my bitch-boy Jacob pick up the slack.” This obviously makes Edward super excited and relieved, and he doesn’t give Jacob major attitude about it the next day. Not!

The vampires and werewolves grudgingly band together to guard Bella’s house because she is SO IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL. They still hate each other, but have agreed not to try to eat each other for the time being.

One day, Edward has to go off to hunt so he drops Bella off to be babysat by Jacob. Jacob is just chilling, leaning against his car with no shirt on. “Doesn’t he own a shirt?” – Edward. This is the first of several meta references to America’s obsession with Taylor Lautner’s teenage abs, something I find almost as disturbing as Sam’s girlfriend’s fucked up domestic abuse face.

Edward possessively makes out with Bella right in front of Jacob, who retaliates by saying “Hey, beautiful” and giving her a really long, shirtless hug. Bella, of course, finds none of this gross or inappropriate because she is a moron.


Jacob takes Bella to a werewolf council meeting so she can hear the history of the tribe. They tell a story about the first time the tribe met a vampire and how he was a huge jag bag who murdered some ladies. They ate him and set him on fire, but his vampire girlfriend was super pissed and tried to eat the whole village. Their strongest warrior attacked her but he was losing, so his third wife (THIRD WIFE! Geez, I really love werewolves) who was a human decided to stab herself so her blood would distract the lady vampire long enough for her husband to regain the upper hand.


The chief warns them that he can feel in his magic werewolf blood that some bad vampire related shit is coming their way and they need to be ready. THAT INCLUDES YOU, BELLA.

In Seattle, scruffy guy is hanging out in a creepy warehouse with a bunch of other rowdy vampires. A tiny teen girl is all freaked out because she doesn’t realize he’s turned her into a vampire yet. He’s like “It’s cool, we’ll get you someone to eat LOL.”

The Cullens watch a news story about how everybody in Seattle is getting murdered, and they deduce that it’s newborn vampires. I guess newborn vampires are super strong and extra vicious because they’re so excited about drinking blood and being magical or something. Dr. Cullen says that somebody is forming an army of newborns, and that the Volturi will show up soon to shut them down.

Edward does some cool vampire logic and decides the Volturi are probably actually the ones behind it because of something he overheard in Michael Sheen’s brain back when he was all suicide-y in Italy in the last movie. Michael Sheen wants Edward and Alice to join the Volturi because of their magical powers I guess, but he knows that they won’t leave their family. So maybe they’re raising an army to kill the extra Cullens. Whatever, they each get like two lines a movie anyway. Who needs ‘em!

Bella goes home to find her dad gazing morosely at a missing person flyer for scruffy baby vampire guy, Riley. Apparently he disappeared a year ago and his parents have been putting the flyers up all over Seattle ever since. And again, I have to ask, why is this on the desk of the sheriff of Forks? If there’s one thing I learned from Zodiac, it’s that this is not in his jurisdiction and that the paperwork would be neverending. I know about crime and the police. When she asks him if he thinks the parents should stop looking, he says he wouldn’t if it was Bella who was missing. This causes her to wonder for the first time what’s going to happen when she becomes a vampire and can’t see her parents anymore. She is really a bright bulb.

She asks Edward what she should tell people about why she will never visit or see them again, and he’s like “Just wait, they’ll all be dead in a few decades. Problem solved!” Bella’s like “Why are you being such an asshole?” and he’s like “Because you’re clearly an idiot and need things like this spelled out for you. Also, I don’t want you to be a vampire in case you hadn’t noticed.” He says that she doesn’t know how crappy it’s going to be when she turns but she doesn’t care. They cuddle, chastely.

The next day, Bella and Jacob are hanging out by a picturesque marsh because of course. Bella tells him that he’s invited to the Cullens’ graduation party and he’s like “Bitch, please.”

He abruptly changes the subject to “Hey, guess what? I’m in love with you. Pick me! Pick me!” She’s like “sorry but I just don’t see u that way :(” but he’s not buying it. No means no, man. Time for another creepy Jacob quote!


He gives a big speech about how he can give her so much more, which basically amounts to “Werewolves rule, vampires drool.” He makes her feel his pecs and then kisses her. For the first time ever, she gets offended and tries to punch him in the face. Unfortunately his face is made of iron or something and she basically breaks her hand.

When Jacob drops Bella off, Edward zooms up and is like “KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY WOMAN YOU MONGREL!” and Jacob is like “SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS!” and Bella is like “STFU GUYS I’M RIGHT HERE!” and Charlie runs out and is like “Woah boys, take it easy. Why so violent?” Jacob is like “LOL I kissed your daughter and she punched me.” Leave the recapping to me, Jacob.

Later on at the Cullen house, Dr. Cullen fixes Bella’s broken hand, and she tells the family that she broke it punching a werewolf in the face. Emmett is super impressed and says she’ll be a badass newborn. Rosalie, who is Emmett’s girlfriend and whose five lines so far in the series have all been really bitchy, is pissed and storms off.

Bella goes to ask her why she hates her so much. Rosalie says she doesn’t hate her. She says that she didn’t have a choice about becoming a vampire, and all things considered, she wishes she wasn’t one. She thinks Bella is an idiot for wanting to be one. I think she’s an idiot for a lot more reasons than just that, but at least somebody is paying attention.

To convince her that being a vampire blows, Rosalie tells Bella her Vampire Origin Story. This part is boring and dumb, so I’ll sum up: in the Olden Days (otherwise known as Yesteryear) Rosalie was the town hottie and she wanted to marry the town stud. One night she saw him on the street drinking with his friends. It immediately got super gross, with people making lewd comments and the town stud being a major dickwad. Eventually they knocked her over and she hit her head and bled out, and Dr. Cullen swooped in to save her by turning her into a vampire. She later came back and killed all the dudes who were there. She saved the town stud for last, and murdered him while a wedding dress like some kind of vampire Miss Havisham.


She reformed after meeting Emmett, but she hates being a vampire and wishes she could have a family. Bella says she just wants Edward. Rosalie says that if she turns, she’ll want blood more than she wants Edward. Bella is like “gross.”

In Seattle, all the baby vampires are fighting and throwing cars and setting shit on fire. Riley gives a big speech about how something big is coming and how they’ll all die if they can’t control themselves.

Meanwhile, the Volturi are hanging out on a rooftop and watching the chaos. They discuss whether or not they should intervene, and one of them says they should consult Michael Sheen. Dakota Fanning makes him collapse in pain by using her brain. She says that they need to decide if they’re going to let them do what they were created for, or kill them. How cryptic! I am on pins and needles as to what she could mean! Actually, I have seen this movie like three times now and I’m still not 100% sure what the Volturi have to do with anything that happens. Just FYI.

But anyway… OMG, Edward was right. The Volturi are such assholes.

Graduation day! Academy Award nominee Anna Kendrick gives her valedictorian speech. You’d think it was written by Edward, because it’s all about how nobody should be making any important decisions because they’re young and they should change their minds all the time. Normal graduation speech stuff.

Everybody goes to the Cullens’ graduation party, including JACOB! With a couple of backup werewolves. Bella immediately starts shouting at him, like “HOW DARE YOU COME HERE AFTER ASSAULTING ME WITH YOUR LIPS!” He apologizes and gives her a bracelet that he made that has a wolf charm on it.


Everybody is having a swell time until Alice has a vision about all the newborns in Seattle sniffing Bella’s sweater. The party is so over. Since the baby vamps are coming to Forks, the vampires and werewolves have to band together to… protect Bella. Seriously guys, your lives would be so much easier if you just let her die. She’s not worth it. Whatevs.

Can this ragtag group of supernatural creatures get over their differences and band together to not get killed by a vampire army? Will Edward and Jacob learn to respect each other? Will Bella stop being an idiot? Will Jacob say another horrifying thing? I feel like this is a turning point, guys.

Jacob and the Cullens devise a Cool Plan. The vampires and werewolves together will give them the numbers they need, and Jacob is just excited that he gets to at least kill some vampires, even if it’s not the ones he wants to kill. He says this in front of them, because he is a class act. Jasper has some special knowledge about how to fight the newborns, apparently, so they are going to have to train together.

Unfortunately, they pass by this opportunity to have a classic cheesy 80s-style training montage.

Everybody convenes in the forest. The werewolves come in werewolf form because they don’t trust the vampires not to eat them. Therefore, they have to communicate through Edward because he can read their minds. Bella is here, for reasons I cannot fathom.

We get some boring exposition about how newborn vampires are stronger because they still have their own human blood in their systems (cool logic).

According to Jasper, the two rules of Baby Vampire Fight Club are:

1. If they get their arms around you, they will instantly crush you to death. So you probably shouldn’t start dating one, Bella, just FYI.
2. Never go for the obvious kill, because they’ll be expecting it. But like, isn’t that true of any battle? Whatever.

Jasper and Emmett have a super cool zoom-fight. Then Edward and his vampire dad duke it out. Jasper keeps arbitrarily adding new rules to the list like “never turn your back on your enemy.” Seriously, guy, these are your special tips?

I just want to interrupt here to mention that every one of the Cullens is at least 65% uglier in vampire drag than in real life. Except Robert Pattinson who basically just looks like himself.

Like, for example, Jasper is pretty cute IRL:


Also, his name is Jackson Rathbone which is one of the better porn star names I’ve heard. AND he was in S. Darko, another imminently recap-able movie. And because I’m already off on a tangent… holy moly do you guys need to watch S. Darko. I was just looking at the cast list and it also features Rhonda Volmer from Big Love, Chuck Bass, Jessie Spano, Academy Award nominee John Hawkes and Alaric from The Vampire Diaries. It is a really terrible movie though, so maybe you should just learn to crochet or something instead.

ANYWAY! The sexual tension is THROUGH THE ROOF when Jasper fights his vampire girlfriend Alice. Just kidding. It’s boring. Meanwhile, the werewolves are all just hanging around watching. Wolf-style Jacob sidles up to Bella. She’s like “LOL some of your werewolf friends are going to get hurt and/or killed because of me.” Jacob is like *werewolf shrug*. She pets his head. It’s creepy. At this moment, Edward walks up and gives Bella shame eyes.

After training is done for the day, Bella asks Jasper where he learned his top secret combat tips like “pay attention” and “don’t get distracted when your enemy kisses you like I just did when my girlfriend beat me up.” He shows her some bite marks on his arms from his days before joining the Cullen family. But I thought vampires were supposed to have magical healing powers? I don’t understand. Another fun factoid from this conversation is that Jasper’s training in the CONFEDERATE ARMY was no help to him when he was in baby vampire fight club. Oh, geez.

Time for Jasper’s Vampire Origin Story. He was just riding around wearing a cowboy outfit, minding his own business, when he saw a bunch of ladies and offered to help them. Unfortunately, they were all vampires. One of them was named Maria, and she turned him. Apparently, she was starting an army because there were a shitload of vampire turf wars back then. Jasper became her second in command and they were super evil vampire lovebirds who trained newborns and killed them after a year. He was in charge of murdering all the babies. It wrought emotional havoc on his soul or something. Luckily, Alice had a vampire love vision, and they found each other and he became a Good Guy.

Bella is like “Your story almost made me feel an emotion.”


That night, Bella has a nightmare about Maria telling Jasper to kill her. When she wakes up, Edward is just chilling in her bed. Somehow this random and pointless dream has convinced Bella that Victoria is behind the vampire army. They talk about the weird thing where Alice would know if that’s what Victoria wanted which will never make sense to me. It gets super convoluted. Bella is like “Maybe she’s hiding behind them and letting someone else make the decisions.” Like Dakota Fanning?

In Seattle, Riley brings a dude into an abandoned building. Victoria pops up and tells him “Welcome to the army” and bites him. That seems like making a decision to me, but what do I know about vampire skillz?

Bella keeps bugging Edward about how she wants to help in the battle. He’s like “You will be murdered within 30 seconds.” She says that bad things happen when they’re apart (like danger junky-ing and convoluted suicide attempts) which, like, chillax Bella, it’s only one day. But she says they’ll be worried about each other and it’ll distract Edward during the battle. Somehow, Edward sees this as a compelling argument so he proposes that he stay back with her and let everybody else take care of the fighting.

Jacob finds this hilarious, so he strolls up to them in a field, shirtless again, and asks him jaggy questions like “Did u pull a muscle or sumth1ng?”

Edward, Jasper and Bella lay out the plan for Jacob: They will lure the newborns into a big old field by spraying some delicious Bella scent around it. To fool them into thinking that she’s still there, they will use a revolting werewolf smell (Edward’s words) to mask hers, meaning that Jacob will carry Bella up the mountain so she and Edward can go camping together far away from the battle. Don’t ask me why they can’t just take a weekend trip to Portland or something.

Within this one conversation, everybody calls each other smelly about six times. WE GET IT. YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF THE ANCIENT FEUD BETWEEN VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES. LET’S MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.

To demonstrate what a good plan it is, Bella climbs into Jacob’s shirtless arms and he carries her into the woods. Jacob is like “y don’t u ask me to stay beh1nd? don’t u care about me?” Bella says that she knew he would say no. He tells her about how he could have been the alpha of his pack, but he didn’t even want to be a werewolf bro let alone the lead bro, so he let Wife Beater Sam be the alpha. So he has to do whatever Sam says now.

Jacob awkwardly segues into how Bella shouldn’t be a vampire. He says that it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. I really wish that he would propose that he and Edward be brother husbands, but sadly he is just trying to get in Bella’s pants. He says he knows she has feelings for him. His exact words: “I can sense how I make you feel, physically.”


Jasper tries to track Bella’s scent through the forest, but he can only smell Jacob. So the plan will work, and they can have the best camping trip ever.

To account for Bella being AWOL on the weekend of the battle, Alice goes over to her house and tells Charlie that the Cullen men are having a manly camping trip, so Bella and Alice are going to have a sleepover at the house. I don’t know which team this leaves Rosalie on. But actually, Alice tells her that she and Edward will have the house to themselves that night.

Bella goes inside and starts randomly asking Charlie why he never remarried. He gives some stock line about not having met the right person, and Bella asks if he believes marriage has value. He’s like, “Yeah, when you’re a lot older than you are.” He then turns it around to “You don’t want to have to get married because you’re knocked up.” Cool segue! Bella is like “LOLOLOLOL dad stop talking about this I know all about the birdz and beez!” She assures him that Edward is “old school” and that she hasn’t Done It with him. This makes Charlie like Edward a little bit more.

Bella goes over to Edward’s for their grownup slumber party. She is sooooo ready to Get It On, even though Edward is playing boring classical music. The first thing he does is to give her a bracelet because he was so jealous that Jacob gave Bella that wolf bracelet earlier. In the immortal words of Chuck Bass: “If you need to mark your territory so badly, maybe you should just pee on her.”

They go to Edward’s bedroom, and Bella brings up the topic of marriage so she can make the condition that they Do It while she’s still human. As in right now. Edward is like “That’s disgusting.” He thinks that he’ll probably kill her during the act which probably sounds appealing to her. She says she wants to be with him before she becomes one of them crazy newborns who only care about tearing it up all day. They start making out which leads Bella to believe that they’re going to get it done, but when she starts unbuttoning her shirt, he says “Stop trying to take your clothes off.” Cool mixed signals, bro.

Edward then gives his super romantic abstinence speech. He’s like “If I can’t protect your soul by not turning you into a vampire, I will protect it by forcing you to wait until we’re married. I know it’s not very modern of me, but EWWW PREMARITAL SEX IS ICKY U R EVIL!”

He tells her all about how he wishes he could court her properly like in the old days where he would have to ask her dad’s permission to kiss her or something. She finally says she’ll marry him, and he gives her a ring from Forever 21:



But she’s still not getting any tonight.

In Seattle, Riley and Victoria are having a squabble about how she won’t tell him whether she’s going to the battle or not. She tells him that she can’t make the decision until the last second because of Alice, and I know I’ve been harping on about this way too much but THIS ENTIRE PLOT POINT IS SO DUMB AND CONVOLUTED. UGH. Far be it from me to hold the Twilight movies to normal movie standards, but it’s like they’re not even trying sometimes.

Victoria is feeding him some bullshit about how she wants to kill the Cullens so they can hunt freely and not live in fear anymore and so they can be in love. Apparently he doesn’t know about her dismembered ex-boyfriend Volchok from The OC. He promises to END THE CULLENS. How romantic! I bet these two will actually get to Do It. Because they are evil.

On battle day, Bella runs around rubbing her blood all over trees and bushes. Edward is like “Overkill much? Hey whytf aren’t u wearing ur ring? It cost me $3.80.” She claims it’s because she doesn’t want to lose it, but he’s like “This is obvs becuz u don’t want Jacob 2 know that we r b-tr0thed.”

Jacob chooses this moment to saunter up. Do I even need to say that he’s not wearing a shirt? This is verging on self-parody. Edward heads off to the campsite alone, and Jacob starts carrying Bella up the mountain.

Meanwhile, the baby vamps start their march to Forks… through the water? I’m not super up on my geography, but WHAT?

Jacob delivers Bella to Edward, and for the first time ever, Edward actually thanks him without telling him how smelly he is or anything. Unfortunately, Jacob reveals that he’s going to crash their camping trip so he can keep them posted on what’s happening in the fight using his super werewolf telepathy. I would say “Cockblocked!” but we all know that they were just going to spoon.

That night, Jacob probably wishes he wore something other than cargo shorts because there’s a major snowstorm. Bella is SO COLD. Edward wants to help, but he can’t because he is a Cold One. Jacob offers to cuddle with her because werewolves have a higher body temperature (or, in Jacob’s meta, meta words, “Let’s face it. I am hotter than you”), but Edward isn’t having it. Finally, he caves after Jacob says that it’s his fault if Bella gets sick. Oh no! Not sick!

Bella curls up against his pecs and he makes an off color joke.


Bella falls asleep, and it’s time for Edward and Jacob to have a heart-to-heart. First, Edward asks Jacob to stop thinking such gross things about Bella. Because he is old school and sex is super icky. Jacob’s like “Here’s the thing, bro. I know Bella loves you, but she loves me too even though she won’t admit it.” Edward is like “U may b right. I can’t read her mind.”

Jacob asks if Edward would kill him if Bella chose him, and he says he wouldn’t because he couldn’t hurt her. Jacob gives him crap about turning her into a vampire and he’s like “I don’t want 2! Vampirez suck. But she made me promise.” Then Jacob gets gross again, saying that if Edward had stayed away longer in The Twilight Saga: New Moon, he would have made her happy. He says that he’s better for Bella and Emo Edward is like “I know. I want her 2 have a human lyfe, but I can’t force her 2 do n e thing if she doesn’t want 2.”

The boys suddenly have a new respect for each other. Edward is like “I’m glad ur here. If it weren’t 4 the ancient feud between vampirez and werewolvez and the fact that u have a huge b0ner for my gf, I might actually like u” and Jacob is like “If you weren’t planning to change the girl I love into a disgusting dead monster… no, I’d still hate you.” Geez, guys. You’re really taking the whole “bromance” thing to a whole new level.

I know there’s a tent-pitching joke in here somewhere, but this movie has exhausted me so much that I just can’t be bothered.

Another werewolf, Seth, comes by the next morning to take Jacob’s place so Jacob can go be in the battle. Bella apologizes to Edward about how he had to watch her spoon with Jacob all night. He’s like “LOL, it’s ok Mrs. Cullen.” Jacob overhears and is LIVID WITH WEREWOLF RAGE. Edward reveals that he knew Jacob was listening. What a dick.

Bella goes after Jacob. He’s like “I am so over this. I need to go kill something now.” Bella tries to stop him from leaving (even though probably his rage would only help him in the fight?) by telling him he’s soooo important to her, and finally she asks him to kiss her. They have a classic teenage makeout on top of a mountain. Now that Bella has given him the strength to be a warrior or whatever, Jacob is like “g2g brb.”

Of course, Edward overheard Jacob thinking about how awesome it was that he was making out with Bella on top of a mountain so he is doing a frowny face when she comes back. He’s like “u luv him don’t u.” Bella says “yeah but I luv u more.” Seth tells them that the battle has begun.

The two vampire armies charge at each other. Jasper punches someone in the face. Emmett snaps somebody’s neck. Any time they injure a baby vampire, it sound like they’re decapitating a robot or something. There’s a weird metal sound.

SURPRISE, BABY VAMPIRES! Werewolves leap out of the forest in slow motion. Victoria stands in the woods looking concerned.

Up on the mountain, Edward keeps Bella posted on what’s happening. Really he only gives her Jacob updates, since that is all Bella cares about. In case you were wondering why hardly any of these screen caps feature Bella, it’s because she makes the same face for pretty much the entire movie. Bella’s “Concerned About Jacob” face:


More battle stuff. Here’s the part where I admit that I find battle scenes totally snooze-worthy, so I’m just going to sum this up quickly. People fly around like they’re in the matrix. Wolves eat some vampires. Dramatic music plays. The tiny scared baby vampire girl from the beginning of the movie hides behind a tree trunk looking tiny and scared. Vampires punch other vampires’ heads off. Everybody from Seattle is wearing a wool cap.

Mommy and Daddy Cullen corner tiny scared girl and look concerned.

Meanwhile, back on the mountain, Edward senses that Victoria is nearby. She could smell him, apparently, so she knows where they are. OH NO I AM SO CONCERNED ABOUT OUR HERO AND HEROINE :(

They spy Riley coming toward them. Edward tells him that Victoria is just using him to distract them so she can murder Bella. He’s like “She doesn’t even like u, dummy. She will be glad when u die.” Victoria vampire-zooms up and is like “DON’T FALL FOR THEIR MIND GAMES! ILU 4EVER!” Edward is like “I can read her m1nd. She is using u to avenge her 1 tru luv, Volchok from The OC.”

Riley is concerned.


Riley decides that he believes Victoria. He starts trying to murder them, but Seth-wolf immediately leaps out and eats his hand.


Victoria peaces out, but Edward says she won’t get another chance like this. He understands that she just wants to make him feel shitty like she did when he dismembered her boyfriend. They have a vampire one on one battle, while Riley and Seth fight each other.

Shit is getting dire. Victoria has her arms around Edward’s neck and is ready for some hot decapitation, but Bella suddenly remembers the Werewolf Legend of the Cold One and the Warrior’s Emo Third Wife and decides to totally besmirch it by using it as inspiration to save her vampire boyfriend. She cuts herself, and the blood makes Riley and Victoria go nuts. Seth starts to eat Riley. He’s like “Hey, Victoria, wanna give me a hand here? No pun intended! It’s just… I’m getting eaten.” But Victoria is like “Nice knowing you, kid” and goes after Bella. Edward leaps in and decapitates Victoria.

Apparently, Alice needs them to leave the campsite, so Edward tosses a lighter on Victoria’s decapitated corpse and she immediately bursts into flames, as though she were covered in gasoline. Talk about a fiery redhead!

Alice is having a vision of Dakota Fanning and her Volturi pals strolling up to the battlefield. Apparently while Edward was having his showdown, the battle ended because the Cullens are just chilling around a baby vampire bonfire. They warn the werewolves to leave because the Volturi will straight up murder them when they arrive.

Unfortunately, just as they’re about to leave, a baby vampire comes out of nowhere and crushes Jacob, shattering a bunch of his bones. Dr. Cullen promises to fix him as soon as they deal with the Volturi, and the werewolves take him away.

The Volturi roll up and all take off their hoods at the same time like they’re in an Evanescence video or something.


Dakota Fanning is impressed that none of them got killed in the battle. Nevertheless, she scoffs at them for a while before noticing the tiny scared baby vampire chick. Dr. Cullen says she surrendered and they offered her asylum, but Dakota Fanning isn’t having any of it. She is a sadistic vampire bitch. Or something.

She makes the tiny baby vampire feel pain with her brain, and Mrs. Cullen is like “Dude chill out. You don’t have to torture her. She’ll answer your questions.” Dakota Fanning is like “Bitch, please. I’m just having fun asking questions I already know the answer to.” She sends up a beefy looking bro to kill her, but the Cullens ask if they can keep her instead. Dakota Fanning is like “We don’t give second chances. BTW, isn’t Bella supposed to be a vampire?” Bella is like “o sorry, didn’t u get the save the date?” The beefy bro unceremoniously murders tiny scared vampire chick.

Later on at the reservation, Jacob is screaming in agony when Bella drives up. Everybody is very concerned. Dr. Cullen comes out and says that he’s going to be ok, though, and that he’s asking for Bella. Big surprise.

Bella goes to his sickbed, and he’s like “I was sooooo worried about you while I was fighting and getting smashed by a vampire. Also, your boyfriend is an asshole.” They have yet another conversation about how she secretly loves him and he’s perfect for her and blah blah blah. It’s really boring. Bella asks if she should come back to visit him, and he’s like “My heart’s wounds need time to heal. But I’ll always wait for you… EVEN AFTER YOU TURN INTO A VAMPIRE!” He’s grown so much! It brings a tear to my eye.

But stop for a second and imagine what it would be like if Vampire Bella decided to dump Edward and get together with Jacob. Jacob would come home after a long day of running around shirtless and then tell Bella that she smells and try to eat her because she didn’t have his dinner ready on time.

Cut to Edward and Bella hanging out in that meadow from the beginning of the movie. They’re setting their wedding date. Bella wants to do it before her birthday so she won’t be another year older than him. I hate to break it to you, Bella, but he will always be old enough to be your great-great-grandfather. Edward starts asking her why she wants to be a vampire AGAIN and I’m like DUDE HAVEN’T WE COVERED THIS BY NOW? Bella gives a speech about how she’s such a clutz and a weirdo and she doesn’t want to be normal which means she should be a vampire? Bella is dumb. Edward makes this face:


which means he buys it and now is totally behind Vampire Bella.

Bella gets all gross about how she wants to be tied to Edward in every possible way. Edward says “Starting with a wedding?” and she says “Actually, something a little more difficult first, and maybe even dangerous.” You and Edward think that she means Doing It, but SURPRISE! She means telling her dad. LOLOL Bella, you are such a card!

Edward puts the ring back on Bella’s finger, and they hug, chastely.