In case you haven’t seen the first two Twilight movies, here’s all you need to know.
Twilight: Bella is an angsty teen who has recently moved to the improbably rainy Forks, Washington to live with her estranged father. Everybody loves her because she’s the most beautiful girl ever or something, but she doesn’t give a fuck until she meets Edward Cullen. She discovers that he and his family are all vampires, but luckily they only eat animals. Some nasty vampires decide they want to kill Bella after they find the Cullens playing baseball during a thunderstorm (?), so Edward and his family dismember Volchok from The OC and set his parts on fire which really pisses off his girlfriend, Victoria. Also, Edward and Bella are in ~*~true love~*~.
New Moon: Bella is a clutz and maims herself at the birthday party Edward and his family throw for her, and Edward’s vampire brother Jasper accidentally almost eats her because he is a n00b. Edward decides it’s too dangerous for them to be together and viciously dumps her in the woods. Bella stares out the window for about three months and then becomes a danger junkie because every time she does something risky, The Ghost of Edward Cullen appears and says things like “No, Bella. It’s too dangerous.” She becomes closer with her Native American friend Jacob who simultaneously falls in love with her and becomes a werewolf. Victoria wants to kill Bella, but Jacob and his werewolf pals protect her. Through a classic long-distance phone call misunderstanding, Edward thinks that Bella is dead and decides to kill himself. But rather than do it in a normal or logical way, he decides to expose his glittery flesh to some Italians so that an old-school vampire sect call the Volturi will get pissed off and kill him. Bella gets there in time to stop him, but the Volturi are assholes and insist that they’ll only let him go free if he promises to turn Bella into a vampire, which is what she wants anyway. Edward proposes to Bella in the forest.
A scruffy youth ventures out into the rain at night. Out of nowhere, he’s thrown to the ground by a mysterious figure. “Who’s there?” he asks. Who indeed? The figure whooshes by and knocks him down again.
He runs to the docks and contemplates jumping into the water. Unfortunately, the whooshing figure slashes his arm, and he writhes around screaming for a while. Looked like just a flesh wound to me, but whatevs. Intro over.
A classic moody, pseudo-intellectual Bella voiceover says: “Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if I had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction, ice is also great and would suffice.” Fakeout! She’s actually reading some Robert Frost aloud to Edward in a field full of flowers. Typical teenage romance stuff. Also, SO thematically relevant to the whole ancient feud between vampires and werewolves. This movie is already super deep.
Edward starts trying to make out with Bella, but she’s like “s0rry Edward. I have f1nals and need 2 study LOL.” Edward glitters, and asks her to marry him again. She’s like “Sorry bro, no means no… unless you turn me into a vampire.” He says he will if she agrees to marry him. In the immortal words of Ginger Spice, “Have you not heard of the word compromisation?”
Bella still isn’t having any of it. She says that people would think it was a shotgun wedding since she’s so young, and the divorce rate is SO high and blah blah blah. Edward says that the human/vampire divorce rate is lower. I don’t really see his point, unless he means because the vampires always accidentally eat their spouses. She shuts him down again and heads home.
Now, I should mention that Bella’s dad is in my opinion the only genuinely hot-looking guy in the entire Twilight series. Possibly because he is the only one who is not a teenager and is not forced to wear the terrible “vampire makeup.” All the same, I’m on Team Charlie.
Bella and her hot dad get quippy with each other about how he doesn’t approve of her relationship with Edward because of how she became a danger junkie because of him in the last movie and almost died a few times. He tells her that she won’t be grounded anymore if she starts hanging out with people other than Edward every once in a while. Like Jacob.
Bella is like “Oh LOL, I remember that dude. He fixed my motorcycle and gave me a dreamcatcher and took his shirt off a lot. We have a normal friendship.” He doesn’t want to take her calls because of the ancient feud between vampires and werewolves.
She decides to go visit Jacob, but her car won’t start. Edward creepily vampire-zooms into the passenger seat and glowers at her. Apparently his vampire sister Alice had a vision of Bella going see Jacob, so he’s jealous. He claims he’s just worried about her safety because in the last movie, Jacob said he would have to werewolf-kill her if she became a vampire. But really he is just intimidated by Jacob’s ripped torso or whatever.
At school the next day, Bella hangs with her human friends in the cafeteria. They have wholesome teenage fun, teasing each other and trying to help Academy Award nominee Anna Kendrick write her valedictorian speech. THIS IS THE LIFE YOU WANT TO GIVE UP, BELLA?
Vampire siblings/lovers (I know, right?) Jasper and Alice drop by the table to announce that they’re throwing a graduation party. Jasper says, “After all, how many times are we gonna graduate high school?” WINKWINKNUDGENUDGE
Edward and Bella poop on Alice’s parade by alluding to how Bella almost got eaten at the last Cullen soiree. And really, who can blame them? Bella was the only human at that party and it went from zero to near-bloodbath in like 20 minutes. Now they want to invite the whole senior class over? I love internal logic.
Suddenly Alice looks nauseous, which means she’s having a vision.
Later on, Bella and Edward are hanging out by the police station. Bella wants to know what Alice saw, but he doesn’t want to tell her for typical creepy overprotective reasons. He changes the subject to how Bella’s dad is randomly talking to some people from Seattle whose son went missing. So apparently they decided to enlist the help of a backwoods sheriff? Whatever. It’s all just an excuse for Edward to mention how lots of vampire shit has been going on in Seattle for a while. If it gets worse, the Volturi are going to step in, because they are like Vampire INTERPOL. Bella is worried that they’ll take a detour to Forks and notice that she’s still a human which means they would probably destroy Edward.
Edward REALLY doesn’t want Bella to become a vampire, so he devises a super clever plan to take her to Florida to visit her mom. Once Bella turns, she won’t be able to see her family anymore because of how she’ll never get old and that’s a little hard to explain, as is glittering in the bright Florida sun. Unfortunately, Bella has clearly demonstrated throughout the previous two films that she doesn’t give a shit about anything except her ~*~true love~*~ with Edward so it’s not likely to work.
Bella lies out in the sun with her mom, and they talk about how Bella is going to go to college in Alaska (so she won’t sparkle in front of her peers because their nights are longer or something). They have a very heavy-handed conversation about making the right life choices and then her mom gives her a quilt made out of t-shirts. It’s heartwarming or something.
Meanwhile, back in Forks, the Cullens sans Edward stand around in the forest waiting for Victoria. Apparently, Alice’s lunchtime vision was of Victoria coming back to town. From what I can tell, she just came by to go for a jog in the woods because she doesn’t try to do anything else. The Cullens chase her into werewolf territory, where werewolves are conveniently waiting. Everybody zooms through the forest for a while and do lots of Crouching Tiger style leaps across rivers and shit.
Vampire Emmett accidentally jumps into werewolf territory and it kills the mood and everybody goes home.
Edward and Bella are back from their vacation, and SURPRISE! Jacob is standing outside of the school when they arrive the next day, wearing his bad boy black t-shirt and looking like a real sourpuss. He’s mad that Emmett touched werewolf soil with his filthy stinky vampire feet and warns him to stay off their land. Edward and Jacob glower at each other for a solid 45 seconds, but Jacob starts to leave when Bella is like “y didn’t u return my callz?” She goes after him and Edward gets really sore about it. He’s like “I trust you Bella but I don’t trust him. I am definitely the first person to say that ever.” Bella responds by hopping on the back of Jacob’s motorcycle.
Bella and Jacob take a scenic motorcycle ride to the reservation. Within 30 seconds of their arrival, four shirtless dudes literally come running out of a house to say hi to Bella.
They proceed to humiliate Jacob by telling her about how they can all read his mind when they’re wolves and he’s always thinking really dorky things like “Should I call Bella and hang up?”
Some bitch named Leah whose dad maybe died in the last movie or something comes out and gives Bella the stinkeye and tells her to stop torturing Jacob. Another shirtless guy and his girlfriend arrive and are happy to see her. The girlfriend, I should mention, has a fucked up face. In the last movie there was a charming anecdote about how her boyfriend (Sam) turned into a wolf and scratched her up when they were fighting because of his uncontrollable masculinity or something. It was gross.
Anyhow, Sam tells Bella that the pack has their eye on Victoria so she shouldn’t worry. Basically, all of the many supernatural beings in Forks have nothing better to do than protect Bella because she is the most special girl of all time. The shirtless dudes all run off to have an orgy or something, leaving Bella and Jacob alone.
Jacob tells her about how Leah joined the pack when her dad died and how he hates having her around because she was in a love triangle with Sam and his girlfriend which makes things a little awkward when they’re all wolfing-out and reading each other’s minds. This leads Jacob to tell Bella about “imprinting” which is apparently important in the next movie but whatever. It sounds dumb and creepy.
“Like when you see her, everything changes. All of a sudden, it’s not gravity holding you to the planet. It’s her. Nothing else matters. You would do anything, be anything for her.” So basically you turn into Edward Cullen?
Jacob assures her that he hasn’t imprinted on her, but the freakout he has when she tells him about her plan to go full vampire after graduation isn’t very convincing on that score. He’s like, “but I need more time 2 make u luv me. haven’t u seen my abz?”
In case you were thinking that it couldn’t get grosser than Edward’s stalky creepy protective father vibe, check out what Jacob says next.
Cool grammar, bro.
Meanwhile, somebody is creeping in Bella’s bedroom. At first you think it’s Edward because that’s basically his MO 24/7, but it’s actually scared scruffy guy from the opening sequence. He goes through her stuff for a while and then sniffs her sweater.
By the time Bella gets home, the dude is gone and Charlie gets in a dig at Edward for keeping her out past dinnertime. She tells him she was with Jacob and he’s like “Oh LOL nm.”
Edward knocks on the door literally 30 seconds after she goes in, but he doesn’t seem to know about her bedroom intruder so I guess he was only mildly stalking tonight. He gives Bella shit for making him worry so much, but gets distracted when he smells something funky and realizes that somebody has been in the house. In the immortal words of Buffy Summers, “Did anybody ever tell you the whole smelling people thing's a little gross?”
The Cullens have an emergency vampire conference to try to figure who the creeper was. They determine that it wasn’t Victoria or the Volturi because Alice hasn’t had any visions about them. Does that mean that Alice just has visions about them 24/7 and always knows exactly what they're doing? I really don’t understand what her powers are but they seem very contrived. But whatever. Vampires are so magical, or something. They decide everybody will take turns guarding Bella’s house. I expected Edward to be like “Dudes, welcome to my life already. It’s covered.”
Bella is all, “But you won’t have time to protect me and my dad all the time! Vampires have to eat! I’ll just make my bitch-boy Jacob pick up the slack.” This obviously makes Edward super excited and relieved, and he doesn’t give Jacob major attitude about it the next day. Not!
The vampires and werewolves grudgingly band together to guard Bella’s house because she is SO IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL. They still hate each other, but have agreed not to try to eat each other for the time being.
One day, Edward has to go off to hunt so he drops Bella off to be babysat by Jacob. Jacob is just chilling, leaning against his car with no shirt on. “Doesn’t he own a shirt?” – Edward. This is the first of several meta references to America’s obsession with Taylor Lautner’s teenage abs, something I find almost as disturbing as Sam’s girlfriend’s fucked up domestic abuse face.
Edward possessively makes out with Bella right in front of Jacob, who retaliates by saying “Hey, beautiful” and giving her a really long, shirtless hug. Bella, of course, finds none of this gross or inappropriate because she is a moron.
Jacob takes Bella to a werewolf council meeting so she can hear the history of the tribe. They tell a story about the first time the tribe met a vampire and how he was a huge jag bag who murdered some ladies. They ate him and set him on fire, but his vampire girlfriend was super pissed and tried to eat the whole village. Their strongest warrior attacked her but he was losing, so his third wife (THIRD WIFE! Geez, I really love werewolves) who was a human decided to stab herself so her blood would distract the lady vampire long enough for her husband to regain the upper hand.
The chief warns them that he can feel in his magic werewolf blood that some bad vampire related shit is coming their way and they need to be ready. THAT INCLUDES YOU, BELLA.
In Seattle, scruffy guy is hanging out in a creepy warehouse with a bunch of other rowdy vampires. A tiny teen girl is all freaked out because she doesn’t realize he’s turned her into a vampire yet. He’s like “It’s cool, we’ll get you someone to eat LOL.”
The Cullens watch a news story about how everybody in Seattle is getting murdered, and they deduce that it’s newborn vampires. I guess newborn vampires are super strong and extra vicious because they’re so excited about drinking blood and being magical or something. Dr. Cullen says that somebody is forming an army of newborns, and that the Volturi will show up soon to shut them down.
Edward does some cool vampire logic and decides the Volturi are probably actually the ones behind it because of something he overheard in Michael Sheen’s brain back when he was all suicide-y in Italy in the last movie. Michael Sheen wants Edward and Alice to join the Volturi because of their magical powers I guess, but he knows that they won’t leave their family. So maybe they’re raising an army to kill the extra Cullens. Whatever, they each get like two lines a movie anyway. Who needs ‘em!
Bella goes home to find her dad gazing morosely at a missing person flyer for scruffy baby vampire guy, Riley. Apparently he disappeared a year ago and his parents have been putting the flyers up all over Seattle ever since. And again, I have to ask, why is this on the desk of the sheriff of Forks? If there’s one thing I learned from Zodiac, it’s that this is not in his jurisdiction and that the paperwork would be neverending. I know about crime and the police. When she asks him if he thinks the parents should stop looking, he says he wouldn’t if it was Bella who was missing. This causes her to wonder for the first time what’s going to happen when she becomes a vampire and can’t see her parents anymore. She is really a bright bulb.
She asks Edward what she should tell people about why she will never visit or see them again, and he’s like “Just wait, they’ll all be dead in a few decades. Problem solved!” Bella’s like “Why are you being such an asshole?” and he’s like “Because you’re clearly an idiot and need things like this spelled out for you. Also, I don’t want you to be a vampire in case you hadn’t noticed.” He says that she doesn’t know how crappy it’s going to be when she turns but she doesn’t care. They cuddle, chastely.
The next day, Bella and Jacob are hanging out by a picturesque marsh because of course. Bella tells him that he’s invited to the Cullens’ graduation party and he’s like “Bitch, please.”
He abruptly changes the subject to “Hey, guess what? I’m in love with you. Pick me! Pick me!” She’s like “sorry but I just don’t see u that way :(” but he’s not buying it. No means no, man. Time for another creepy Jacob quote!
He gives a big speech about how he can give her so much more, which basically amounts to “Werewolves rule, vampires drool.” He makes her feel his pecs and then kisses her. For the first time ever, she gets offended and tries to punch him in the face. Unfortunately his face is made of iron or something and she basically breaks her hand.
When Jacob drops Bella off, Edward zooms up and is like “KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY WOMAN YOU MONGREL!” and Jacob is like “SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS!” and Bella is like “STFU GUYS I’M RIGHT HERE!” and Charlie runs out and is like “Woah boys, take it easy. Why so violent?” Jacob is like “LOL I kissed your daughter and she punched me.” Leave the recapping to me, Jacob.
Later on at the Cullen house, Dr. Cullen fixes Bella’s broken hand, and she tells the family that she broke it punching a werewolf in the face. Emmett is super impressed and says she’ll be a badass newborn. Rosalie, who is Emmett’s girlfriend and whose five lines so far in the series have all been really bitchy, is pissed and storms off.
Bella goes to ask her why she hates her so much. Rosalie says she doesn’t hate her. She says that she didn’t have a choice about becoming a vampire, and all things considered, she wishes she wasn’t one. She thinks Bella is an idiot for wanting to be one. I think she’s an idiot for a lot more reasons than just that, but at least somebody is paying attention.
To convince her that being a vampire blows, Rosalie tells Bella her Vampire Origin Story. This part is boring and dumb, so I’ll sum up: in the Olden Days (otherwise known as Yesteryear) Rosalie was the town hottie and she wanted to marry the town stud. One night she saw him on the street drinking with his friends. It immediately got super gross, with people making lewd comments and the town stud being a major dickwad. Eventually they knocked her over and she hit her head and bled out, and Dr. Cullen swooped in to save her by turning her into a vampire. She later came back and killed all the dudes who were there. She saved the town stud for last, and murdered him while a wedding dress like some kind of vampire Miss Havisham.
She reformed after meeting Emmett, but she hates being a vampire and wishes she could have a family. Bella says she just wants Edward. Rosalie says that if she turns, she’ll want blood more than she wants Edward. Bella is like “gross.”
In Seattle, all the baby vampires are fighting and throwing cars and setting shit on fire. Riley gives a big speech about how something big is coming and how they’ll all die if they can’t control themselves.
Meanwhile, the Volturi are hanging out on a rooftop and watching the chaos. They discuss whether or not they should intervene, and one of them says they should consult Michael Sheen. Dakota Fanning makes him collapse in pain by using her brain. She says that they need to decide if they’re going to let them do what they were created for, or kill them. How cryptic! I am on pins and needles as to what she could mean! Actually, I have seen this movie like three times now and I’m still not 100% sure what the Volturi have to do with anything that happens. Just FYI.
But anyway… OMG, Edward was right. The Volturi are such assholes.
Graduation day! Academy Award nominee Anna Kendrick gives her valedictorian speech. You’d think it was written by Edward, because it’s all about how nobody should be making any important decisions because they’re young and they should change their minds all the time. Normal graduation speech stuff.
Everybody goes to the Cullens’ graduation party, including JACOB! With a couple of backup werewolves. Bella immediately starts shouting at him, like “HOW DARE YOU COME HERE AFTER ASSAULTING ME WITH YOUR LIPS!” He apologizes and gives her a bracelet that he made that has a wolf charm on it.
Everybody is having a swell time until Alice has a vision about all the newborns in Seattle sniffing Bella’s sweater. The party is so over. Since the baby vamps are coming to Forks, the vampires and werewolves have to band together to… protect Bella. Seriously guys, your lives would be so much easier if you just let her die. She’s not worth it. Whatevs.
Can this ragtag group of supernatural creatures get over their differences and band together to not get killed by a vampire army? Will Edward and Jacob learn to respect each other? Will Bella stop being an idiot? Will Jacob say another horrifying thing? I feel like this is a turning point, guys.
Jacob and the Cullens devise a Cool Plan. The vampires and werewolves together will give them the numbers they need, and Jacob is just excited that he gets to at least kill some vampires, even if it’s not the ones he wants to kill. He says this in front of them, because he is a class act. Jasper has some special knowledge about how to fight the newborns, apparently, so they are going to have to train together.
Unfortunately, they pass by this opportunity to have a classic cheesy 80s-style training montage.
Everybody convenes in the forest. The werewolves come in werewolf form because they don’t trust the vampires not to eat them. Therefore, they have to communicate through Edward because he can read their minds. Bella is here, for reasons I cannot fathom.
We get some boring exposition about how newborn vampires are stronger because they still have their own human blood in their systems (cool logic).
According to Jasper, the two rules of Baby Vampire Fight Club are:
1. If they get their arms around you, they will instantly crush you to death. So you probably shouldn’t start dating one, Bella, just FYI.
2. Never go for the obvious kill, because they’ll be expecting it. But like, isn’t that true of any battle? Whatever.
Jasper and Emmett have a super cool zoom-fight. Then Edward and his vampire dad duke it out. Jasper keeps arbitrarily adding new rules to the list like “never turn your back on your enemy.” Seriously, guy, these are your special tips?
I just want to interrupt here to mention that every one of the Cullens is at least 65% uglier in vampire drag than in real life. Except Robert Pattinson who basically just looks like himself.
Like, for example, Jasper is pretty cute IRL:
Also, his name is Jackson Rathbone which is one of the better porn star names I’ve heard. AND he was in S. Darko, another imminently recap-able movie. And because I’m already off on a tangent… holy moly do you guys need to watch S. Darko. I was just looking at the cast list and it also features Rhonda Volmer from Big Love, Chuck Bass, Jessie Spano, Academy Award nominee John Hawkes and Alaric from The Vampire Diaries. It is a really terrible movie though, so maybe you should just learn to crochet or something instead.
ANYWAY! The sexual tension is THROUGH THE ROOF when Jasper fights his vampire girlfriend Alice. Just kidding. It’s boring. Meanwhile, the werewolves are all just hanging around watching. Wolf-style Jacob sidles up to Bella. She’s like “LOL some of your werewolf friends are going to get hurt and/or killed because of me.” Jacob is like *werewolf shrug*. She pets his head. It’s creepy. At this moment, Edward walks up and gives Bella shame eyes.
After training is done for the day, Bella asks Jasper where he learned his top secret combat tips like “pay attention” and “don’t get distracted when your enemy kisses you like I just did when my girlfriend beat me up.” He shows her some bite marks on his arms from his days before joining the Cullen family. But I thought vampires were supposed to have magical healing powers? I don’t understand. Another fun factoid from this conversation is that Jasper’s training in the CONFEDERATE ARMY was no help to him when he was in baby vampire fight club. Oh, geez.
Time for Jasper’s Vampire Origin Story. He was just riding around wearing a cowboy outfit, minding his own business, when he saw a bunch of ladies and offered to help them. Unfortunately, they were all vampires. One of them was named Maria, and she turned him. Apparently, she was starting an army because there were a shitload of vampire turf wars back then. Jasper became her second in command and they were super evil vampire lovebirds who trained newborns and killed them after a year. He was in charge of murdering all the babies. It wrought emotional havoc on his soul or something. Luckily, Alice had a vampire love vision, and they found each other and he became a Good Guy.
Bella is like “Your story almost made me feel an emotion.”
That night, Bella has a nightmare about Maria telling Jasper to kill her. When she wakes up, Edward is just chilling in her bed. Somehow this random and pointless dream has convinced Bella that Victoria is behind the vampire army. They talk about the weird thing where Alice would know if that’s what Victoria wanted which will never make sense to me. It gets super convoluted. Bella is like “Maybe she’s hiding behind them and letting someone else make the decisions.” Like Dakota Fanning?
In Seattle, Riley brings a dude into an abandoned building. Victoria pops up and tells him “Welcome to the army” and bites him. That seems like making a decision to me, but what do I know about vampire skillz?
Bella keeps bugging Edward about how she wants to help in the battle. He’s like “You will be murdered within 30 seconds.” She says that bad things happen when they’re apart (like danger junky-ing and convoluted suicide attempts) which, like, chillax Bella, it’s only one day. But she says they’ll be worried about each other and it’ll distract Edward during the battle. Somehow, Edward sees this as a compelling argument so he proposes that he stay back with her and let everybody else take care of the fighting.
Jacob finds this hilarious, so he strolls up to them in a field, shirtless again, and asks him jaggy questions like “Did u pull a muscle or sumth1ng?”
Edward, Jasper and Bella lay out the plan for Jacob: They will lure the newborns into a big old field by spraying some delicious Bella scent around it. To fool them into thinking that she’s still there, they will use a revolting werewolf smell (Edward’s words) to mask hers, meaning that Jacob will carry Bella up the mountain so she and Edward can go camping together far away from the battle. Don’t ask me why they can’t just take a weekend trip to Portland or something.
Within this one conversation, everybody calls each other smelly about six times. WE GET IT. YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF THE ANCIENT FEUD BETWEEN VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES. LET’S MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
To demonstrate what a good plan it is, Bella climbs into Jacob’s shirtless arms and he carries her into the woods. Jacob is like “y don’t u ask me to stay beh1nd? don’t u care about me?” Bella says that she knew he would say no. He tells her about how he could have been the alpha of his pack, but he didn’t even want to be a werewolf bro let alone the lead bro, so he let Wife Beater Sam be the alpha. So he has to do whatever Sam says now.
Jacob awkwardly segues into how Bella shouldn’t be a vampire. He says that it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. I really wish that he would propose that he and Edward be brother husbands, but sadly he is just trying to get in Bella’s pants. He says he knows she has feelings for him. His exact words: “I can sense how I make you feel, physically.”
Jasper tries to track Bella’s scent through the forest, but he can only smell Jacob. So the plan will work, and they can have the best camping trip ever.
To account for Bella being AWOL on the weekend of the battle, Alice goes over to her house and tells Charlie that the Cullen men are having a manly camping trip, so Bella and Alice are going to have a sleepover at the house. I don’t know which team this leaves Rosalie on. But actually, Alice tells her that she and Edward will have the house to themselves that night.
Bella goes inside and starts randomly asking Charlie why he never remarried. He gives some stock line about not having met the right person, and Bella asks if he believes marriage has value. He’s like, “Yeah, when you’re a lot older than you are.” He then turns it around to “You don’t want to have to get married because you’re knocked up.” Cool segue! Bella is like “LOLOLOLOL dad stop talking about this I know all about the birdz and beez!” She assures him that Edward is “old school” and that she hasn’t Done It with him. This makes Charlie like Edward a little bit more.
Bella goes over to Edward’s for their grownup slumber party. She is sooooo ready to Get It On, even though Edward is playing boring classical music. The first thing he does is to give her a bracelet because he was so jealous that Jacob gave Bella that wolf bracelet earlier. In the immortal words of Chuck Bass: “If you need to mark your territory so badly, maybe you should just pee on her.”
They go to Edward’s bedroom, and Bella brings up the topic of marriage so she can make the condition that they Do It while she’s still human. As in right now. Edward is like “That’s disgusting.” He thinks that he’ll probably kill her during the act which probably sounds appealing to her. She says she wants to be with him before she becomes one of them crazy newborns who only care about tearing it up all day. They start making out which leads Bella to believe that they’re going to get it done, but when she starts unbuttoning her shirt, he says “Stop trying to take your clothes off.” Cool mixed signals, bro.
Edward then gives his super romantic abstinence speech. He’s like “If I can’t protect your soul by not turning you into a vampire, I will protect it by forcing you to wait until we’re married. I know it’s not very modern of me, but EWWW PREMARITAL SEX IS ICKY U R EVIL!”
He tells her all about how he wishes he could court her properly like in the old days where he would have to ask her dad’s permission to kiss her or something. She finally says she’ll marry him, and he gives her a ring from Forever 21:
But she’s still not getting any tonight.
In Seattle, Riley and Victoria are having a squabble about how she won’t tell him whether she’s going to the battle or not. She tells him that she can’t make the decision until the last second because of Alice, and I know I’ve been harping on about this way too much but THIS ENTIRE PLOT POINT IS SO DUMB AND CONVOLUTED. UGH. Far be it from me to hold the Twilight movies to normal movie standards, but it’s like they’re not even trying sometimes.
Victoria is feeding him some bullshit about how she wants to kill the Cullens so they can hunt freely and not live in fear anymore and so they can be in love. Apparently he doesn’t know about her dismembered ex-boyfriend Volchok from The OC. He promises to END THE CULLENS. How romantic! I bet these two will actually get to Do It. Because they are evil.
On battle day, Bella runs around rubbing her blood all over trees and bushes. Edward is like “Overkill much? Hey whytf aren’t u wearing ur ring? It cost me $3.80.” She claims it’s because she doesn’t want to lose it, but he’s like “This is obvs becuz u don’t want Jacob 2 know that we r b-tr0thed.”
Jacob chooses this moment to saunter up. Do I even need to say that he’s not wearing a shirt? This is verging on self-parody. Edward heads off to the campsite alone, and Jacob starts carrying Bella up the mountain.
Meanwhile, the baby vamps start their march to Forks… through the water? I’m not super up on my geography, but WHAT?
Jacob delivers Bella to Edward, and for the first time ever, Edward actually thanks him without telling him how smelly he is or anything. Unfortunately, Jacob reveals that he’s going to crash their camping trip so he can keep them posted on what’s happening in the fight using his super werewolf telepathy. I would say “Cockblocked!” but we all know that they were just going to spoon.
That night, Jacob probably wishes he wore something other than cargo shorts because there’s a major snowstorm. Bella is SO COLD. Edward wants to help, but he can’t because he is a Cold One. Jacob offers to cuddle with her because werewolves have a higher body temperature (or, in Jacob’s meta, meta words, “Let’s face it. I am hotter than you”), but Edward isn’t having it. Finally, he caves after Jacob says that it’s his fault if Bella gets sick. Oh no! Not sick!
Bella curls up against his pecs and he makes an off color joke.
Bella falls asleep, and it’s time for Edward and Jacob to have a heart-to-heart. First, Edward asks Jacob to stop thinking such gross things about Bella. Because he is old school and sex is super icky. Jacob’s like “Here’s the thing, bro. I know Bella loves you, but she loves me too even though she won’t admit it.” Edward is like “U may b right. I can’t read her mind.”
Jacob asks if Edward would kill him if Bella chose him, and he says he wouldn’t because he couldn’t hurt her. Jacob gives him crap about turning her into a vampire and he’s like “I don’t want 2! Vampirez suck. But she made me promise.” Then Jacob gets gross again, saying that if Edward had stayed away longer in The Twilight Saga: New Moon, he would have made her happy. He says that he’s better for Bella and Emo Edward is like “I know. I want her 2 have a human lyfe, but I can’t force her 2 do n e thing if she doesn’t want 2.”
The boys suddenly have a new respect for each other. Edward is like “I’m glad ur here. If it weren’t 4 the ancient feud between vampirez and werewolvez and the fact that u have a huge b0ner for my gf, I might actually like u” and Jacob is like “If you weren’t planning to change the girl I love into a disgusting dead monster… no, I’d still hate you.” Geez, guys. You’re really taking the whole “bromance” thing to a whole new level.
I know there’s a tent-pitching joke in here somewhere, but this movie has exhausted me so much that I just can’t be bothered.
Another werewolf, Seth, comes by the next morning to take Jacob’s place so Jacob can go be in the battle. Bella apologizes to Edward about how he had to watch her spoon with Jacob all night. He’s like “LOL, it’s ok Mrs. Cullen.” Jacob overhears and is LIVID WITH WEREWOLF RAGE. Edward reveals that he knew Jacob was listening. What a dick.
Bella goes after Jacob. He’s like “I am so over this. I need to go kill something now.” Bella tries to stop him from leaving (even though probably his rage would only help him in the fight?) by telling him he’s soooo important to her, and finally she asks him to kiss her. They have a classic teenage makeout on top of a mountain. Now that Bella has given him the strength to be a warrior or whatever, Jacob is like “g2g brb.”
Of course, Edward overheard Jacob thinking about how awesome it was that he was making out with Bella on top of a mountain so he is doing a frowny face when she comes back. He’s like “u luv him don’t u.” Bella says “yeah but I luv u more.” Seth tells them that the battle has begun.
The two vampire armies charge at each other. Jasper punches someone in the face. Emmett snaps somebody’s neck. Any time they injure a baby vampire, it sound like they’re decapitating a robot or something. There’s a weird metal sound.
SURPRISE, BABY VAMPIRES! Werewolves leap out of the forest in slow motion. Victoria stands in the woods looking concerned.
Up on the mountain, Edward keeps Bella posted on what’s happening. Really he only gives her Jacob updates, since that is all Bella cares about. In case you were wondering why hardly any of these screen caps feature Bella, it’s because she makes the same face for pretty much the entire movie. Bella’s “Concerned About Jacob” face:
More battle stuff. Here’s the part where I admit that I find battle scenes totally snooze-worthy, so I’m just going to sum this up quickly. People fly around like they’re in the matrix. Wolves eat some vampires. Dramatic music plays. The tiny scared baby vampire girl from the beginning of the movie hides behind a tree trunk looking tiny and scared. Vampires punch other vampires’ heads off. Everybody from Seattle is wearing a wool cap.
Mommy and Daddy Cullen corner tiny scared girl and look concerned.
Meanwhile, back on the mountain, Edward senses that Victoria is nearby. She could smell him, apparently, so she knows where they are. OH NO I AM SO CONCERNED ABOUT OUR HERO AND HEROINE :(
They spy Riley coming toward them. Edward tells him that Victoria is just using him to distract them so she can murder Bella. He’s like “She doesn’t even like u, dummy. She will be glad when u die.” Victoria vampire-zooms up and is like “DON’T FALL FOR THEIR MIND GAMES! ILU 4EVER!” Edward is like “I can read her m1nd. She is using u to avenge her 1 tru luv, Volchok from The OC.”
Riley is concerned.
Riley decides that he believes Victoria. He starts trying to murder them, but Seth-wolf immediately leaps out and eats his hand.
Victoria peaces out, but Edward says she won’t get another chance like this. He understands that she just wants to make him feel shitty like she did when he dismembered her boyfriend. They have a vampire one on one battle, while Riley and Seth fight each other.
Shit is getting dire. Victoria has her arms around Edward’s neck and is ready for some hot decapitation, but Bella suddenly remembers the Werewolf Legend of the Cold One and the Warrior’s Emo Third Wife and decides to totally besmirch it by using it as inspiration to save her vampire boyfriend. She cuts herself, and the blood makes Riley and Victoria go nuts. Seth starts to eat Riley. He’s like “Hey, Victoria, wanna give me a hand here? No pun intended! It’s just… I’m getting eaten.” But Victoria is like “Nice knowing you, kid” and goes after Bella. Edward leaps in and decapitates Victoria.
Apparently, Alice needs them to leave the campsite, so Edward tosses a lighter on Victoria’s decapitated corpse and she immediately bursts into flames, as though she were covered in gasoline. Talk about a fiery redhead!
Alice is having a vision of Dakota Fanning and her Volturi pals strolling up to the battlefield. Apparently while Edward was having his showdown, the battle ended because the Cullens are just chilling around a baby vampire bonfire. They warn the werewolves to leave because the Volturi will straight up murder them when they arrive.
Unfortunately, just as they’re about to leave, a baby vampire comes out of nowhere and crushes Jacob, shattering a bunch of his bones. Dr. Cullen promises to fix him as soon as they deal with the Volturi, and the werewolves take him away.
The Volturi roll up and all take off their hoods at the same time like they’re in an Evanescence video or something.
Dakota Fanning is impressed that none of them got killed in the battle. Nevertheless, she scoffs at them for a while before noticing the tiny scared baby vampire chick. Dr. Cullen says she surrendered and they offered her asylum, but Dakota Fanning isn’t having any of it. She is a sadistic vampire bitch. Or something.
She makes the tiny baby vampire feel pain with her brain, and Mrs. Cullen is like “Dude chill out. You don’t have to torture her. She’ll answer your questions.” Dakota Fanning is like “Bitch, please. I’m just having fun asking questions I already know the answer to.” She sends up a beefy looking bro to kill her, but the Cullens ask if they can keep her instead. Dakota Fanning is like “We don’t give second chances. BTW, isn’t Bella supposed to be a vampire?” Bella is like “o sorry, didn’t u get the save the date?” The beefy bro unceremoniously murders tiny scared vampire chick.
Later on at the reservation, Jacob is screaming in agony when Bella drives up. Everybody is very concerned. Dr. Cullen comes out and says that he’s going to be ok, though, and that he’s asking for Bella. Big surprise.
Bella goes to his sickbed, and he’s like “I was sooooo worried about you while I was fighting and getting smashed by a vampire. Also, your boyfriend is an asshole.” They have yet another conversation about how she secretly loves him and he’s perfect for her and blah blah blah. It’s really boring. Bella asks if she should come back to visit him, and he’s like “My heart’s wounds need time to heal. But I’ll always wait for you… EVEN AFTER YOU TURN INTO A VAMPIRE!” He’s grown so much! It brings a tear to my eye.
But stop for a second and imagine what it would be like if Vampire Bella decided to dump Edward and get together with Jacob. Jacob would come home after a long day of running around shirtless and then tell Bella that she smells and try to eat her because she didn’t have his dinner ready on time.
Cut to Edward and Bella hanging out in that meadow from the beginning of the movie. They’re setting their wedding date. Bella wants to do it before her birthday so she won’t be another year older than him. I hate to break it to you, Bella, but he will always be old enough to be your great-great-grandfather. Edward starts asking her why she wants to be a vampire AGAIN and I’m like DUDE HAVEN’T WE COVERED THIS BY NOW? Bella gives a speech about how she’s such a clutz and a weirdo and she doesn’t want to be normal which means she should be a vampire? Bella is dumb. Edward makes this face:
which means he buys it and now is totally behind Vampire Bella.
Bella gets all gross about how she wants to be tied to Edward in every possible way. Edward says “Starting with a wedding?” and she says “Actually, something a little more difficult first, and maybe even dangerous.” You and Edward think that she means Doing It, but SURPRISE! She means telling her dad. LOLOL Bella, you are such a card!
Edward puts the ring back on Bella’s finger, and they hug, chastely.
