After trudging through Fast Five I
thought it was high time I wrote about a movie that I actually
legitimately like. Luckily, I legitimately like a lot of movies that
are not necessarily actually good. Without further ado, I give you:
We open on your typical “this movie
is set in London” establishing shots of Big Ben, bobbies and buses.
“Funky” music that leaves the viewer with 0% doubt that this
movie was made in the '90s plays in the background. We get our first
glimpse of our leading lady, Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow (who was apparently
feeling very British in 1998, also the year Shakespeare in Love was
released), rushing to get ready for work and spilling tea on a copy
of To Kill a Mockingbird. I think if they really wanted to sell her
Britishness to us it should have been The Canterbury Tales or an
issue of OK!, but what do I know.
She wipes off her book, puts it in her
boring sensible businesslike purse and kisses her sleeping boyfriend,
whose eyebrows rival those of Peter Gallagher himself, on her way out
the door.
But it turns out Eyebrows was only
feigning sleep and waiting for Gwynnie to leave, as he immediately
pops up and takes the phone off the hook and hops in the shower when
she's gone. TROUBLE IN PARADISE???
As Gwyneth heads to work, a jovial old
sandwich shop owner already has her sandwich ready as she approaches
and is waiting outside the door of his shop with it as she comes up.
That's not at all creepy.
Despite all the rushing about, she's
late to work which we know because she power-walks through the office
saying “Shit, shit, shit, shit” to herself before heading into a
conference room full of grim-faced white dudes. She apologizes for
being late, but they skip the niceties and go straight to accusing
her of stealing the company liquor.
She explains that she “borrowed”
four bottles of vodka from the office for her birthday party and that
she brought some to replace what she took, and they give her some
bullshit about not having had anything to offer some client who came
in over the weekend. Gwyneth is like “It's always a smart idea to
keep a case of Absolut Crystal in your platinum desk safe in case of
unexpected visits from important clients. It's a steal at only $1,000
per bottle, and will show your client that you care without being too
ostentatious. Didn't you get my newsletter?” They're just like
“Bitch, you're fired.”
She congratulates them on finally
getting rid of her after wanting to for so long, and then makes an
awkward joke about how she would have grown a penis if she had worked
there much longer. Because this was the '90s, one of the dudes says
“Told you. Lesbian!” as though that makes sense and/or is funny.
Meanwhile, back at home, Eyebrows has
been joined by a ladyfriend who is definitely NOT Gwynnie, and who
definitely IS doing a striptease. Who is this harlot? Why, it's Barb
from Big Love! But now she's playing the Bitchy American Manstealing
Power-Trollop.
Unaware that such shenanigans are going
on at home, a very dejected Gwyneth gets on the elevator. Her earring
falls out, and a squirrely-looking dude nicely picks it up for her.
We have now reached the CRUCIAL MOMENT
of the film. Gwyneth is on the moving walkway at the tube station and
hears a train approaching. The entire crisis of this movie could have
been averted if she had not been doing what I consider one of the top
ten most annoying things an able-bodied adult human can do in a
public space (standing still on an escalator or moving walkway as
though it was built for people who are too lazy to walk, rather than
as a device to help them move more quickly). But I digress. She runs
toward the tracks and we find that the entire course of her life
depends on whether a woman pulls her daughter out of Gwyneth's path
on the stairs.
We first see Universe One, which I will
refer to as “GOOP,” in which poor Gwyneth misses her train. As
the train pulls out of the station, there is an announcement saying
basically that there will be no more trains for a hundred years so
you better find alternate means of transport, suckers! She goes back
outside and tries to catch a cab, but unfortunately the worst mugger
of all time attempts to grab her bag and fails miserably just as her
cab is pulling up. He does manage to knock her head into a tree, so
the kindly old cab driver takes her to the hospital.
Then, we literally rewind Gwyneth's
trip down the stairs, and enter Universe Two, or “POOG,” in which
she gets on the train by sticking her arm in the closing doors and
forcing them open.
She sits down next to the chivalrous
earring-retriever from earlier, while a
proto-hipster sitting on his other side is annoyingly singing along
to whatever he's listening to on his discman. Gwyneth is about the
most relatable she'll ever be by making a bitchface while studiously
ignoring him.
Her
elevator buddy finds it hilarious though, and commits a huge social
sin by trying to make conversation with the guy about how whatever
the song is stole its lyrics from the Beatles. He makes this face:
Elevator guy then
turns to Gwynnie to ask her opinion about Beatles-Lyrics-Gate, and
the only thing that makes this forgivable is that he has revealed
that he has a VERY nice Scottish accent. And we all know that the
right accent covers all manner of sins. Gywneth is not having any of
it though, and says she doesn't know if they're Beatles lyrics.
Chatty McGee says that everybody is born knowing all Beatles lyrics,
and that they should in fact be called “The Fetals” which is
funny, but there's a time and place for zygotic punnery and talking
to strangers on public transportation is NOT it.
She just ignores
him, but he can't take a hint and is like “How come nobody ever
talks to each other on the tube? People r strange. Oh look your book
is covered in tea! How strange LOLOLOL!” She is like “Listen bro,
I'm attempting to read To Kill a Mockingbird right now because
apparently I am a high school freshman, so shut up and leave me the f
alone GEEEEEEEZ.” He's like “Oops sorry I get it, I'm just having
a good day and am the most cheerful man on earth. Hey wait, have we
met?” She manages to roll her eyes and raise her eyebrows at the
same time, but he says he remembers now that he picked up her earring
in the elevator earlier. He asks if she works in that building and
she says “NOT ANYMORE; HOW DOES THAT FOOT TASTE?” He finally
wises up and stops talking. He is abashed enough that he warns her
that he's getting off at the next stop so she doesn't think he's
following her if she's getting off too, which of course she is.
For some reason
she feels guilty now and runs after him to apologize and says she's
not good at talking to strangers. He introduces himself as James, but
since he's in some ways an older and more Scottish version of John
Cusack in Say Anything, he'll be known as Lloyd McDobler from here on
in. They start walking together and Gwyneth's version of small talk
is to awkwardly say “I live with someone! A man! I live with a
man!” He's like “OMFG what would he think if he knew you were
walking and talking with a strange man right now???”
Speaking of
Eyebrows, he is currently listening to “Bennie and the Jets” and
making out with Barb. They are also having the least sexy and most
expositional conversation of all time, in which they talk about how
he used to date her before Gwyneth came along, but then she went back
to America for three years and Barb is like “How dare you not wait
around for me all that time? LOL JK but not really?”
Gwyneth and Lloyd McDobler finally part
ways, and he says he's sorry about her job, but that she should
always remember what the Monty Python boys would say. She assumes
that he means “Always look on the bright side of life” but
instead he offers this nonsequitur: “No one expects the Spanish
Inquisition.” This will be repeated almost as often as the “Your
suitcase's name is Louis” joke from Leap Year but somehow doesn't
get old quite as fast. Maybe because it's just weirder. Anyway,
Gwyneth is in a much better mood now because I think it's probably
impossible to be around Lloyd for more than two minutes without
either bashing him over the head with a frying pan or catching
excessive cheerfulness.
GOOP
Gwyneth tries to call Eyebrows to pick
her up from the hospital, but he is now having a post-coital shower.
“Bennie and the Jets” is somehow still playing so either that
song has a lot more in common with “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” than I
ever realized or Eyebrows is a very unimpressive lover.
POOG
Having caught her train, Gwyneth gets
home early enough to catch Eyebrows and Barb in flagrante.
She stands calmly in the doorway and
says “I didn't think you liked Elton John.” He says “I do
sometimes.” Then she slaps him repeatedly and calls him a “useless
shagging bastard” because this movie is rated PG-13 so she can't
say “fucking” and Americans will just accept that that is
something British people say because we are dummies.
Gwyneth starts yelling at Eyebrows in a
much more expositional way than before (“I'm working all hours to
support you while you're supposedly writing your first novel!”
etc.). She grills him for a while about how long it's been going on
and is he in love with Barb and how much of an idiot is she etc. etc.
but he just stands there wrapped in a blanket, looking a fool.
GOOP
Gwyneth takes a cab home from the
hospital just as Barb is leaving. Eyebrows is now in the shower, and
a different Elton John song is playing. Gwynnie comes in and asks if
he just woke up and he starts rambling nervously about how he didn't
sleep well so he woke up and had a drink and then went back to sleep.
There's then a “hilarious” slapsticky scene where she tries to
tell him about getting fired and mugged, but he gets distracted when
he notices Barb's earring on the bed and leaps over to hide it,
pretending he wants to turn off the music because he hates Elton John
(whoever wrote this movie had a lot of feelings about Elton John
apparently). Then he sees the two brandy glasses sitting out and runs
over and knocks one of them into the laundry basket. Gwyneth is like
“Are you high?”
POOG
Gwyneth dramatically stands on a bridge
weeping, and throws a ring into the water with a cavalier disregard
for the ecosystem.
GOOP
Finally having gotten a chance to
explain what happened, Gwyneth tells Eyebrows that if she had only
caught the train, everything would have been fine. He freaks out
again like “DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!” as though through the power of
wishing she could make it so. He is a real head case.
He overcompensates for his own fuckery
by going into Great Boyfriend mode, getting her ready for a night of
heavy drinking and Indian food. She's like “U R the best, Eyebrows.
ILU 4ever.”
POOG
Eyebrows is trying to find Gwyneth,
presumably to stare at her with puppy-dog eyebrows not saying
anything until she spontaneously forgets that he's a dickbag, and
goes to her best friend's house. Her best friend (Anna) is so '90s it
hurts.
Anna says Gwyneth isn't there and asks
what he did to piss her off. Eyebrows is like “Um... I don't...
know? Pretty please tell me if you see her.” Anna is like “Girl
please, I don't take orders from you.”
Meanwhile, Gwyneth is sitting at a bar
by herself, smoking and getting crunk. It's so weird to me that there
was ever a time that people could just smoke in bars and restaurants.
Eyebrows is now also at a bar with his
own best friend, Russell. Russell is my favorite because all he does
in this movie is give Eyebrows a hard time and laugh directly in his
face. Also he is wearing a Canadian tuxedo. He's like:
Eyebrows is like “But I don't
understand why this happened to me!!!” Russell says “You've been
whining to me for weeks about how much it sucks having two
girlfriends and how you can't choose, and I told you something would
happen to make the choice for you. And now it has! In your face
LOLOLOLOL!”
Gwyneth is still drinking alone when
Lloyd McDobler comes into the bar with his friend Clive. They're
having a boring conversation about Clive trying to get publicity for
the restaurant he's opening when Lloyd spots Gwynnie and goes over to
talk to her. She is clearly in a black hole of despair, so he
reassures her that she'll find another job, but she's like “Guess
what happened since I last saw you? I caught my useless shagging
bastard boyfriend shagging this shagging slag!”
Lloyd calls Eyebrows an idiot and tries
to comfort her by telling her how pathetic his buddy Clive is because
of something about owning crocodile-skin luggage and watching
Baywatch which for some reason makes Gwyneth LOL. Probably because
she's drunk. Anyway, Lloyd leaves her alone and says she can join
them if she decides she wants company.
GOOP
Apparently Gwyneth's #1 Depression
Hotspot bar from POOG-land is also where Eyebrows decides to take
GOOP Gwyneth to drink beer and whiskey until she forgets how shitty
her life is. In this universe Lloyd McDobler is also there, but in
this reality they are just Craigslist Missed Connections and she
brushes past him as they leave the bar.
At one point Barb calls Eyebrows to
talk about how great it was Doing It with him earlier, but he
pretends that it's a wrong number and hangs up on her. Why did you
even answer the phone in the first place, dummy?
POOG
Anna turns up to haul Gwyneth's drunk
ass home. Lloyd and Clive are leaving too and offer to share their
cab with Drunketh and Anna. Gwyneth insists that she is not as drunk
as “thinkle peep” she is which is one of those jokes that is so
dorky in a very '90s way that I forgive it for being stupid.
GOOP
Eyebrows is force-feeding Indian food
to Gwyneth, who protests that she can't eat it.
POOG
Anna manhandles
Gwyneth into bed and teases her that Lloyd McDobler has a Lloyd
McBoner for her. She says he was just concerned, and because Anna is
the stereotypical “homelier yet randier best friend of the
heroine,” she says that if Lloyd was that concerned about her,
she'd be helping HIM into bed.
GOOP
Eyebrows
manhandles Gwyneth into bed but without any snarky commentary. He
then goes into the bathroom and gives a very disturbing speech to
himself in the mirror about how there are two things he's worried
about: 1. He almost got caught being a cheating cheater, and 2. He's
talking to himself again which is, in his own words, “a bad sign.”
I wonder if there is a prequel to this movie about Eyebrows's
struggles with mental illness.
POOG
Gwyneth is hungover dot com. Anna gives
her what looks like a glass of milk but is probably supposed to be
one of those magical “only in the movies” hangover cure
concoctions with a raw egg and Worcestershire sauce in it or
something. She gets into the shower and goes pretty much into a
catatonic state, so Anna bursts in on her and pinches her nose to
wake her up. Every time I watch a romantic comedy I have to play this
game with myself where I try to decide if these are things that other
women actually do and I'm just a weirdo, or if the movie is ridic.
I'm calling ridic on this one because if my friend ever burst in on
me in the shower I would karate chop her face without hesitation.
GOOP
Pretty much
exactly what just happened with POOG Gwyneth except Eyebrows is
attending to her.
Later that day she
looks through the classifieds for a new PR job, but either the
positions have all been filled or Emily Thorne has gotten revenge on
all of them.
She tells Eyebrows
that she'll have to find a part-time job and he throws all of his
papers in the air because he is a stable adult human.
POOG
Anna tells Gwyneth
that she needs a new look so that people can tell the difference
between her and GOOP Gwyneth once the bandaid comes off her face
to signify the beginning of a new phase in her life.
GOOP
Gwyneth
is now a waitress at what is apparently the only bar in London, but
it's still not enough to make ends meet, probably because Eyebrows
doesn't have a job because he is a “writer.” She get a delivery
job at the sandwich shop from the beginning of the movie. She now
wears her hair in braided pigtails probably just to make her look
EXTRA frumpy compared to...
POOG
Ultra-glam Gwyneth with her asymmetrical blonde pixie cut!
GOOP
Even
though she is so frumpy and brunette, a sleazy guy at the restaurant
tries to hit on her while she takes his order by asking what she does
when not “serving Mad Cow burgers” (#1998jokes) to assholes like
himself. She gives a speech that in the real world would get her
fired immediately about how when she isn't there, she's delivering
sandwiches and gets home at midnight and if she's not too tired gives
a BJ to Eyebrows. Dude is like “TMI, lady.”
POOG
Nine days after
the breakup Gwyneth decides she is over Eyebrows now (in her own
words: “Bollocks to him!”) but Anna is like “Girl, please. You
are still obsessively waiting for him to call and reading his
horoscope every day hoping that it will say he's going to die in a
horrible accident.” She says that she just wants him to call and
admit that he's a twat (her word, not mine) and tell her he wants her
back, presumably so she can have the satisfaction of rejecting him,
but Anna isn't having any of it.
Just as Anna is
joking that Eyebrows's horoscope for the day says that he will die in
a freak napalming incident, the doorbell rings and Gwyneth is like
“OMFG the moment has arrived!” She goes downstairs to answer it,
saying “Bollocks to him” to herself with every step, but is
disappointed to find that it's not Eyebrows, but Lloyd McDobler.
He takes her out
for a milkshake at a diner and they are having the BEST time!
He tells her he
likes her hair. She thinks he's joking but he says that he knows
better than to ever joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual
cycles. When I get nostalgic about the '90s and idealize them in my
head, I really need to start reminding myself that this would have
been considered a funny joke then.
Anyway, Gwynnie
says that she shouldn't be there because it isn't fair to Lloyd
because she's under the impression that they're on a date. She says
that he's nice and funny and Anna thinks he's cute, and he goes on
this cute fake rant, like “ANNA thinks I'm cute! WTF am I out with
you for then?” before explaining that he just wanted to take her
out to cheer her up because he was thrown into her life in a moment
when she needed it. Normally I would say “Give me a break” but he
is sincerely charming and something about his accent makes me just
accept this silliness.
She feigns offense
when he admits that his job of Official Gwyneth Cheer-Upper is made
easier by the fact that he finds her “moderately attractive” but
she is clearly charmed. He asks what she's doing next Saturday. She
says “Probably killing myself” and he says “Excellent, when
does that finish? Do you like boats?”
GOOP
Apparently the
answer is “Yes, maybe TOO much” because in GOOP-land she and
Eyebrows just Got It On while watching a movie about boats. She tells
Eyebrows that it's been two months since they last Did It and he's
like “No way, can't be.” He's probably thinking of his other
girlfriend.
And now randomly,
two months after the fact, Gwynnie decides to ask how one of her
brandy glasses got into the laundry basket. Either she doesn't do
laundry very often or that has been stewing for a while. Anyhow,
Eyebrows predictably has a minor meltdown about it, going from zero
to “OH SO BECAUSE THERE WAS A GLASS IN THE LAUNDRY I'M HAVING AN
AFFAIR, AM I??? WAY TO SPOIL OUR ROMANTIC MOMENT, YOU JERK!” and
it's like dude, if ever there was a way to make your girlfriend sure
that you're having an affair, this is it. But I think that GOOP-land
Gwyneth has been taking stupid pills because she's just like “Geez,
calm down. It's just a question.” He tells her that Anna probably
put it there at her birthday party because she's such a crazy lush or
something.
POOG
Lloyd drops
Gwyneth off and she says she's sorry if he had a bad time because she
was such a Debbie Downer. He's like “PSHAW! I got to drink two
milkshakes, I'm good.”
GOOP
Scandal! Barb
orders sandwiches from Gwynnie's shop. Is this just a crazy
coincidence, or is she even more conniving and evil than we thought?
We'll have to stay tuned to find out (It's the latter).
When she goes
home, Eyebrows is on his way out to “the library” which is code
for Barb's lady-parts. After his meltdown the other night, Gwyneth is
suspicious and decides to follow him.
He of course
notices immediately and actually goes to the library to throw her off
the scent. He calls Barb from the library and says he can't meet her
and she yells at him for being a spineless d-bag. One wonders why
both of these seemingly strong, intelligent women are with such a
weasel. She shouts that she already booked their hotel for an illicit
lovemaking holiday in Dorset and asks if she should cancel it. He
says no.
POOG
Gwyneth is hanging
out in Anna's kitchen when she brings the last load of her things
from Chez Eyebrows, telling her she's now officially moved out. The
phone rings, and Gwynnie thinks it's the follicular marvel himself,
but once again it's Lloyd McDobler checking in. He invites her out to
dinner with him and his friends, but quickly ends the call when a
MYSTERY WOMAN comes in.
They have a
cryptic conversation about his mother being frail and the lady asks
if she should postpone her trip until whatever is going on with Mrs.
McDobler is sorted out. He says no, and then goes out to the garden
to talk to his mom who curiously has a very posh English accent
rather than a Scottish one to match her son's. But we Americans can't
tell the difference as long as they all sound funny, right? Cool.
She's sad because I guess she has to move out of her classy country
house and into a nursing home in London, but Lloyd comforts her by
saying she can get much better crack in town.
GOOP
Eyebrows is out
with Russell and once again whining about his lady problems. Russell
is like “Let me see if I have this right. Your live-in girlfriend
is working two shitty jobs to support you while you fuck around
behind her back. You are planning to go to Dorset with your awful
mistress presumably using Gwyneth's money. And now you say you're
having a moral dilemma?”
He concludes by
saying that if he wants to break up with Barb he's going to have
trouble because he is the biggest coward of them all. Eyebrows is
like “Whytf do I even talk to you about this shit when all you do
make fun of me?” and Russell is like “Because we're BFFs and I'm
here to help you!” but he can barely say the whole thing before he
LOLs at his own funny joke for a very long time.
POOG
Also LOLing are
Lloyd and Gwyneth in POOG-land. They are eating at Clive's
not-yet-open restaurant and everybody is laughing uproariously at
Lloyd acting out the “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition”
thingy he's so obsessed with. Gwyneth is so impressed with him that
they make flirty eye contact across the table.
After dinner,
Lloyd walks her home and he tells her she should set up her own PR
company. She's like “Aw shucks, a girl like me, run her own
company?” They have a Moment when they get to the door, but he just
kisses her on the cheek and says goodnight.
Empowered by her
new male friend, Gwyneth finally has found the strength within
herself to apply for a small business loan. At home, Anna teases her
about Lloyd having a crush on her and Gwynnie is just like “Ok mom,
whatever.” Anna is like “If you don't want to get in his pants,
then how come yesterday was the first time you didn't immediately ask
if Eyebrows had called? That's funny! Tell me another.”
You'll be shocked
to learn that Gwynnie gets her small business loan, and we're treated
to an uplifting montage of her setting up her brand new office.
GOOP
Gwyneth has been
summoned back to Barb's office so that Barb can bitch her out for the
sandwiches she delivered having given everybody food poisoning. What
a lying b! She asks if Gwynnie is trained in the catering business
and she's like “Nope, PR.” Barb says she's not doing a very good
PR job right now. Sick burn!
Later on Eyebrows
is over at Barb's house and is like “What the f is your deal??? Why
would you hire my girlfriend to deliver you sandwiches???? What are
you, stupid???????” Barb is like “I just wanted to see the GDB
who you refuse to dump even though I am such a delightful presence in
your life. And it turns out she has a horseface and is gross!”
Eyebrows is all “That's not very nice!” and Barb is like “Why
won't you leave her for me?” and Eyebrows is like “You never said
you wanted me to!” and if you had any doubts up to this point that
this movie was written by a man, they will be dispelled by the
following line from Barb, which is verbatim: “I'm a woman! We don't
say what we want! But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we
don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating, and not a little
bit scary!”
Later that night,
Russell calls Eyebrows to warn him that Gwyneth called looking for
him, so he'll need to use someone else as his beard when she asks
where he's been. At that moment she comes home, and he feeds her a
line about having been at the library. Gwyneth is basically a walking
frowny face and tells him that she needed to see him because she
talked to the hugest b of all time and Eyebrows is like “I know. I
mean... I can tell!” She says she's tired of working so much and
asks when he's going to finish his GD book so they can just be
millionaires already and he's like “...soon?”
He has a crisis of
conscience in this moment and decides to come clean about his
philandering, but unfortunately Gwyneth has fallen asleep.
POOG
Gwyneth is
watching Lloyd in a boat race. Don't ask me, I'm just the recapper.
She is VERY into it though, and stands cheering with Clive.
GOOP
Gwyneth and Anna
are strolling by the river with Lloyd's boat race going on behind
them, and she's like “Woah how weird. I totes knew there would be
dudes in purple and white outfits having a boat race today!” OMG
magical realism. Or something! Anna is like “Bitch you cray. Also
why hasn't Eyebrows invited you to come on his research trip to
Dorset?” She says he did invite her, but she can't go because she
has two jobs and is the sole source of income in their household.
Also she's getting fed up with him being a spineless, weasely and
potentially seriously mentally ill blookhead. Well, what she actually
says is that it will be good for them to get some space, but that was
the subtext.
Out of the blue,
she asks Anna if she dropped a glass in the laundry at her birthday
party and Anna is like “I dunno, I'm a drunken mess so probably!”
POOG
Lloyd wins his
boat race and we are all very excited for him. Back at Boating Club
Headquarters the team plus Gwyneth do some kind of ritual victory
song and dance. Eyebrows and Barb happen to be strolling by and
Eyebrows spies her through the window as Barb needles him about being
distant lately. Eyebrows is just like “WhoaMG! Gwyneth is in there
having some sort of collective fit with a bunch of dudes in ugly
turtlenecks! And she's blonde!” Barb is like “WHO CARES DOT CO
DOT UK!!! You obviously are still in love with that wench so guess
what? WE ARE SPLITSIES!”
Inside, the weird
song and dance has dispelled into general mingling, and Lloyd is
telling Gwyneth all about Clive's new restaurant which is about to
open. Gwyneth offers her PR services and Clive is like “U R my
hero. Please plan my launch!”
Later that night
Lloyd and Gwyneth are for some reason in a boat by themselves by the
bridge that Gwyneth dramatically threw her non-wedding ring off of
earlier. They have a conversation that is basically like “I'm so
glad we're friends!” “No, I'M so glad we're friends!” “But
I'm the most glad” “Nuh uh I am the most glad times infinity!”
Gwyneth segues into telling him that she loves the bridge they are
floating near, and that her grandfather helped to build it. Which...
whatever. She says she likes to come there to think sometimes.
Suddenly the
atmosphere is very romantic and Lloyd goes in for a kiss but is
cruelly rejected. She's all “I know we're floating on a boat in the
river alone at night in front of a sparkling bridge and have just
been making googly eyes at each other for 12 hours, but I'm still on
the rebound so keep it in your pants.” He says that he's sort of on
the rebound too, and she asks from whom. He says it's his first
girlfriend, Pamela, who dumped him when he was eight because she
became infatuated with Gary Glitter (real line: “She wanted to
touch him there”). Pro tip, dude: when attempting to seduce a
woman, it's best not to bring pedophiles into the conversation!
Gwyneth has luckily not yet read the latest issue of Disgusting
Former Glam Rockers Weekly so she just finds the story so hilarious
and charming that she changes her mind and kisses him.
He's like “Uh...
you weren't going to do that, remember?” and she tells him to chalk
it up to a “momentary lapse of concentration.” He's like “Sure,
cool, there's a pretty big lapse of concentration happening in my
pants right now as a matter of fact! My place or yours?” They go
and Do It on his very manly flannel sheets.
GOOP
While Gwyneth is
hard at work at the sandwich shop, Eyebrows embarks on his romantic
getaway with Barb.
POOG
Gwyneth is at the
launch party she planned for Clive's restaurant, and you know it's a
huge success because Jamiroquai is playing in the background. Scenes
of POOG-land Gwyneth schmoozing and boozing with the classy clientele
of Clive's restaurant are intercut with scenes of GOOP-land Gwyneth
waitressing at the way more down-market restaurant.
POOG Gwyneth is
SUPER PUMPED when she spots a gate-crashing Eyebrows staring at her
from across the room.
She excuses
herself from what is surely a riveting conversation between Lloyd and
Clive to go deal with her ex. She's like “What the f are you doing
here you shagging wanker? This is a big night for me and also you
suck! Let's talk outside.” Lloyd sees them leave and looks
concerned.
Outside, Eyebrows
is like “We've been through so much together! You should give me a
second chance! I'm totes sorry and u r awesome!”
Inside, Lloyd is
morosely staring at them through the window. Clive comes up and asks
if he's the ex and Lloyd says yes. Then Clive asks if Gwyneth knows
about Claudia. WHO IS CLAUDIA??? THE MYSTERY WOMAN FROM BEFORE???
Lloyd says no, she doesn't know and that he feels lost and confused.
Oh no, is Lloyd a secret snake just like Eyebrows? :(
Speaking of
Eyebrows, he asks Gwyneth if she'll come and see him so they can have
a serious talk about their relationship. She makes this face
which is
apparently encouraging enough to Eyebrows that he kisses her. Even
though Gwyneth is very clearly not into it, Lloyd is super jelly
jells.
Suddenly, both
GOOP and POOG Gwyneths are feeling faint and almost collapse. WHAT
COULD IT MEAN???
POOG Gwyneth goes
back inside and looks for Lloyd, but Clive tells her that he left.
GOOP
Gwyneth tries to
call Eyebrows from the restaurant, but unfortunately he is busy
having liquor poured on his chest by Barb and he doesn't answer.
POOG
Gwyneth is pissed
off because Lloyd has gone on a business trip but didn't tell her,
and she couldn't get much information out of his secretary. Anna asks
if he saw Eyebrows kiss her and if she's tried to call him and a
billion other questions and Gwyneth is like “UGHHHHH I DON'T KNOW!”
Lloyd is in a
hotel somewhere and starts dialing Gwyneth's number but changes his
mind and hangs up.
GOOP
The day after her
near-fainting moment, Gwyneth gets Eyebrows on the phone and tells
him a boring story about a dream she had about him. She then tells
him about the fainting thing but is interrupted when Barb stubs her
toe in the next room and starts wailing really loudly on purpose.
Eyebrows covers it by saying that the people in the next room are
Doing It very loudly. Gwyneth tries to go back to her story but of
course Eyebrows is flipping out and not paying attention and
eventually he just pretends that somebody is at the door and hangs
up. Gwyneth is like “So the moral of my story is that I'm pregnant,
LOL.”
At the hotel,
Eyebrows bitches Barb out for screaming so much and she's like
“Whatever dude, my toe fucking hurts.” He asks what exactly she's
trying to do and she shouts a very long speech about how she is
waiting for a train that ain't coming and that her friends were right
about him and that they are totes finished. He just stands there
staring at her like an idiot as per usual, but once she leaves he
looks somewhat delighted.
He leaves Dorset
early and meets up with Russell at the bar and excitedly tells him
that he finally broke up with Barb. That's not exactly how I remember
it going down, bro, but whatevs. He goes on and on about how he is
super relieved to not have to be a liar and a cheat anymore and then
runs out to go find Gwyneth.
Gwyneth is working
at the restaurant, and overhears a lady yelling at her boyfriend for
giving her spontaneous flowers, saying that he must be up to
something. He gives an indignant speech very similar to Eyebrows's
post-coital meltdown about the brandy glasses, all like “Oh I see,
I'm not allowed to buy you flowers in a fit of romance! It must mean
I'm having a sordid affair! You are such a b!”
Imagine Gwyneth's
horror when she goes home and Eyebrows pops out of nowhere with
champagne and a bouquet of flowers.
POOG
For some reason,
Gwyneth has gone over to visit Eyebrows and talk about their
relationship. She's like “I can't get the super gross image of Barb
riding you out of my head, whytf did I even come here!” and he
tries to stroke her hair and she's like “Don't touch me, sicko.”
He insists that Barb was a mistake and that they're not together
anymore. He brings up Lloyd, who he saw at the party, and Gwyneth is
like “Yeah, we're not talking about that. I'm out of here.”
As one last
desperate ploy, Eyebrows tells her that he's stopped writing his book
because he can't write without her. He asks her to come back to him,
and she is actually dumb enough to stick around while he goes to
answer the phone. Of course it is Barb calling, and she tells him
that she thinks she's preggers. He's like “Oh hi Russell, can't
talk now, call you back later!” He runs to the bathroom and Gwyneth
takes this opportunity to *69 and Barb answers “Why are you
pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that.” Gwyneth is like “Oh
hey, it's actually Gwyneth and you are a skank. Bye!” Eyebrows
comes back and she tells him that he's a “sad, sad wanker” and
leaves.
She goes back to
Anna's and rants about what a douche Eyebrows is, and says that she
felt like she was being unfaithful to Lloyd just by being there. She
thinks she blew it because it's been a week since the party and Lloyd
hasn't called.
Eyebrows goes out
with Russell, who says he blames British Telecom for having too many
ways to track phone calls, saying they're condemning all men to a
life of boring old monogamy. Eyebrows tells him that Barb might be
pregnant, and Russell is just like:
He says “Being
with you makes waiting for the next episode of Seinfeld much easier
to bear” which is probably the nicest thing he has ever said to
Eyebrows.
GOOP
Eyebrows asks if
everything is ok with Gwyneth because she's been distant ever since
he got back from Dorset. She says there are a couple of things;
firstly, that she has an interview for a fancy PR job and at that
moment Eyebrows opens the blinds to reveal Barb standing there
staring at him.
He screams “JESUS
CHRIST!” and tries to pass it off as being really excited about the
job thing, though he clearly doesn't give a shit. She doesn't buy it
and goes to see what he was looking at, but Barb is hiding behind the
wall now. Barb calls and tells him to meet her at her place the next
night because they need to talk, so Eyebrows tells Gwyneth that
Russell needs his help cleaning his apartment because his parents are
coming to town.
He asks Gwyneth
what the other thing she wanted to tell him was and she's like “Oh,
nothing. Not important.”
POOG
Gwyneth is at work
and calls Lloyd's office and hangs up immediately when the
receptionist answers. She leaves and goes to have a milkshake at the
diner Lloyd took her to and then runs into the man himself on her way
back. Just now I notice for the first time that Lloyd actually has
bigger eyebrows than Eyebrows. The more I think about it, the more I
feel like the two dudes in this movie annexed Gwyneth's eyebrows to
add to their own.
They make awkward
small talk for a minute about how he just got back from his trip, and
he's eventually like “I hope you don't think I was avoiding you! I
wanted to call you but I was too chicken. Also, I thought you needed
to work out your ex issues and didn't want to presume that I was your
BF or something” and she says, and I quote, “What, you think I go
to bed with all the successful oarsmen I come across?” If this
movie weren't PG-13 she could have done a lot more with that joke. He
gets a call about his mom and tells Gwyneth that he has to go to the
hospital to hear her test results. She offers to go with him, but he
says thanks but no thanks but hey, wanna come to a dinner party
tonight?
She is super
happy, but little does she know that Lloyd meets up with the mystery
woman from before and they kiss and go into the hospital together. Oh
no! More like Lloyd McDOGler!
GOOP
Gwyneth is at
Anna's and they are talking about how she hasn't told Eyebrows that
she's pregnant. Anna says they should celebrate with a proper drink,
which is just excellent advice. Gwyneth is like “Hellz yeah! Get
crunk!”
She offers Anna
some brandy, but she says “Gross, that stuff makes me vom.”
POOG
Gwyneth goes to
Lloyd's dinner party and they go home together and Do It again.
The next day at
work, Gwynnie is doodling in her day planner and it is some seriously
kindergarten-level shit:
She then flips
through the pages to find the date of her last period, as one does,
and it looks like it's been a little too long since the last one. Uh
oh! Bitches are getting pregnant all over both universes. Did they
not have condoms in 1997 or what? Geez louise.
She goes home and
shows Anna, who is on the floor doing yoga while reading a magazine,
her positive pregnancy test.
She goes to
Lloyd's office to tell him the news and asks the receptionist if he's
there. She's like “Nope, he's at the hospital with his wife. Can I
take a message?” Shit just got real!
She goes to the
hospital to find him and see what all this wife nonsense is about,
and sees him and mystery woman together.
GOOP
At home, Gwyneth
tells Eyebrows that Anna doesn't drink brandy, so she couldn't have
put the glass in the laundry. He's like “Huh?” and she finally
just straight-up asks if he's having an affair. He says no, which I
suppose is technically true at this point, but he looks so
self-satisfied that I want to slap him on her behalf.
She's like “Fine,
I don't know why I even brought it up because I have to go to my
interview now. It's in the evening at the apartment of the company's
chairwoman which I don't find remotely suspicious. Laters!”
POOG
Lloyd calls Anna
and asks if Gwyneth is there, and Anna is like “No and you are an
asshole, leave her alone!” He's like “Uh... come again?” She
hangs up on him so he goes over and asks what's going on. She tells
him that Gwyneth saw him with his wife and slams the door in his
face.
He runs around
town trying to find her at their favorite milkshake diner, the bar
where she got crunk that one time and Clive's restaurant before
finally finding her on her favorite bridge, standing in the rain. He
runs to her and says he can explain. She's like “GET THE F AWAY
FROM ME YOU USELESS SHAGGING BASTARD! IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT I GOT
FIRED AND CAUGHT MY BOYFRIEND IN BED WITH SOME AMERICAN HARLOT AND
NOW I FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE AN ASSFACE JUST LIKE HIM! MY LIFE SUX AND
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” He tells her that he's technically
married but he and his wife are separated and will be getting
divorced soon, but due to plot contrivance and the need for a
Misunderstanding, he and his wife decided not to make it official
until his mom's health was better.
GOOP
Eyebrows goes to
Barb's place as arranged. He tells her to leave him alone and that
it's over and she can't be creeping at his windows anymore. She's
like “That's nice. I'm pregnant!”
There's a knock at
the door and Eyebrows goes to answer it. Surprise! It's Gwyneth,
thinking she's going to her interview but actually getting ambushed
by Barb! She comes in and tells Gwyneth that they'll have to postpone
the interview since she's trying to decide if she's going to keep
Eyebrows's baby. Is it just me or do these three really need to go on
Maury?
POOG
Gwyneth asks Lloyd
if he's telling her the truth and then they make out in the rain. She
says there's something she has to tell him, but first she has to call
Anna and tell her she's ok.
GOOP
Gwyneth runs out
the door and down the stairs. Eyebrows grabs her arm and tries to
stop her, and she falls down the stairs.
POOG
Lloyd calls out to
Gwyneth that he loves her as she's crossing the street to a phone
booth and a truck comes out of nowhere and runs her over.
Both Gwyneths are
rushed to the hospital and Eyebrows and Lloyd are told by nurses that
she's in rough shape and has lost her baby. They're both like
“BABY?????”
In POOG-land,
Lloyd sits by Gwyneth's bed and tells her how glad he is that she
caught the train that day and how when she wakes up he's going to
make her so happy and they will be together forever but unfortunately
she dies, even though her only apparent injury is a scrape on her
face.
GOOP-land Gwyneth
wakes up and finds Eyebrows waiting by her bed. As she comes to, she
has visions of all the places she hung out with Lloyd in her
alternate life.
Elsewhere in the
hospital, Lloyd gets some good news about his mom's health.
Eyebrows tells
Gwyneth he'll do anything she wants, and she says “Get the fuck out
and leave me alone forever, dickwad!”
She gets
discharged and goes to the elevator. She gets there just in time for
the door to close in her face. Not again! But when it opens again,
SURPRISE! Lloyd is there. Her earring falls out and he picks it up
for her once again. She looks bummed, so he says “Cheer up, you
know what the Monty Python boys say” and she immediately replies
“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” and they look at each
other.
