Red Riding Hood

SO! It's October, and knowing me by the time I finish this it will be Thanksgiving, but in any case, it seemed like it was time for something spoooooooky. Or at least spooky in the teen-romance conception of spooky which means men who are some kind of supernatural beast getting busy with pretty young girls. Which, knowing very little about it going into this, my first viewing, I assume is the general gist of what Red Riding Hood is about. If not, I don't apologize because you are not the ones who have to watch it so I'm still the loser in this situation.

We start very spookily with some spooky music and some spooky snow-covered mountains. There's some mist, and a castle and some old-timey looking boats. And a very Twilighty forest! And the names of people who were involved with Twilight (Catherine Hardwicke and Billy Burke)! And a water wheel! And the names of a lot of people who should really know better but apparently needed some money (I'm looking at you, Gary Oldman, Virginia Madsen and Julie Christie)! And a waterfall!

We finally close in on a very ramshackle little village with a dilapidated windmill and thatched roofs and shit. The most Aryan child of all time who basically looks like she came straight out of Kakariko Village comes skipping along the streets with a water bucket.

On her way through town, she passes by the most run-of-the-mill smalltown tableau: a very sad little girl handing over a pig on a leash to a man who tells her to cheer up, because it's better that the wolf eat her precious pet than a human. SPOOKY! Also there is another man setting up some kind of weird scarecrow with a sad moonface.

Amanda Seyfried, who I am assuming is the grownup version of the little blonde girl, voiceovers that she lived on the edge of a dark forest (as opposed to all those light forests you come across) in a town nobody knew the name of because it was so shitty that who would even care, what with all the terrible spooky things going on, like that pesky werewolf problem. She continues that her mother always told her to just get the water and come straight home without talking to anybody, which sounds like a pretty good way to guarantee that your daughter is going to get so bored that she grows up wanting to fuck a spooky wolf in the dark forest, but what do I know?

A LOT! Because not two seconds after arriving at the stream, this little boy with dark hair and dark clothes comes up and is like “COME ON VALERIE, LET'S REBEL!” I don't know if he's the wolf but I mean he's probably the wolf, right? RIGHT? I'm not used to writing about movies without already knowing the ending but I promise not to come back later and edit this if I'm wrong. Anyway, they run off together, giggling.

And what are they going to do? MURDER A BUNNY, THAT'S WHAT!!! They have apparently set a trap and callously look on from under a tree branch, the boy holding a knife, as a bunny wanders toward certain doom. The trap falls over it and Valerie is like “Oh how pretty, it has snow white fur! Fairy tales!” and the boy is like “I'll use it to make you some boots” and I'm like “EW!”

They calmly argue about who is going to slit the poor bunny's throat but we never find out because suddenly we are in the forest with the words “TEN YEARS LATER” on the screen.

I'm assuming that ten years later they are both in jail for being serial killers. But this movie is apparently set in medieval times so we're supposed to be ok with it but WHATEVER. Team Bunny.

What's actually ten years later is that Valerie is now Amanda Seyfried and she's sneaking around the forest looking very very pretty and voiceovering about how she knew girls weren't supposed to hunt rabbits or sneak around in the creepy woods and stuff but her childhood boyfriend just made her want to do boy things. Speaking of whom, he is now “hot” and chopping the shit out of some wood.

He stops chopping wood and sneaks over to where Valerie is creepin'. She jumps out from behind a tree holding a giant axe.

They grin at each other and he playfully takes her axe and then nonsequiturs that he just heard that she is totes arranged-betrothed to someone named Henry. She's like “UGH, parents just don't understand!” and Peter is like “If u don't want 2 marry him u could run away w/ me 2 the ocean or the mountains.” I'm just going to let you know right now that these two have ZERO chemistry and this is most likely because whoever this actor is is almost as cardboardy as Dean from Gilmore Girls but thinks he has the bad-boy charisma of Jess. He doesn't. Valerie giggles though and tells him she'd leave everything behind to be with him. They are about to straight up get on some horses and ride off into the sunset, but they're interrupted by the sound of distant gongs and Valerie says “THE WOLF!”

She walks through some picturesque haystacks and comes across a group of some scared teen girls who say the wolf has “broken the peace.” Valerie is like “LOL who did the wolf eat?” and they tell her it was her older sister. WAH WAH. And lo and behold, just around the corner she finds her parents standing over her totes deadsies sister. 

It starts to snow, as though God is crying frozen tears.

That night the family of the dude Valerie is supposed to marry comes over. Henry wants to offer her his sexy condolences but if it's even possible he looks like even more of a doofus than Peter. I'm beginning to see why this movie was not successful. A love triangle with these two goons? Not that Edward or Jacob exactly lit my fire but I could at least see the appeal for children.

Predictably, Valerie runs and hides and tells her marriage-arranging mother that Henry has cooties and she doesn't want to play with him. Downstairs, Henry stage-whispers to Valerie's dad (who also happens to be Bella Swan's dad, oh my god seriously Catherine Hardwicke are you even trying??) that they should go to the tavern and get crunk and “let the women grieve in their own way” which I think we're supposed to be charmed by but WHATEVER don't you know Valerie isn't like other girls? She carries giant axes and murders bunnies so she could probably use a drink too.

Once the men have left, Valerie's mom confides that she was in love with another man when she married Bella Swan's dad, but then she came to love Bella Swan's dad and they lived happily ever after (until one of their two beautiful daughters was murdalized by a wolf).

Cut to the tavern, where Lukas Haas is telling some old guy to look on the bright side, because at least it has been 20 years since the last time the wolf killed someone. The old man is like “Yeah because we have a truce with the wolf where we sacrifice our best livestock every full moon and we totes kept up our end of the bargain but this lupine asshole didn't!” and at that exact moment Henry's dad comes in with Henry and Bella Swan's dad in tow and says “SO LET'S KILL HIM!” There are many manly cheers.

Lukas Haas says no, they can't, because he summoned “Father Solomon” who has apparently killed many werewolves and witches and can help them with their pest problem. But Bella Swan's dad isn't having any of it, because he wants to personally exterminate the wolf because of vengeance.

Back at home all the girls are standing over Valerie's sister's corpse and wondering why she was even out on a “wolf night” in the first place, like was she meeting a boy or what? Mrs. Bella Swan's Dad says “PLEASE! She never even thought about boys.” But rather than be sensitive and let it go, Henry's grandma is like “Uhhh, she was super into Henry and used to follow him around all the time and when she heard he was engaged to Valerie it was Frownyfacetown, population: Valerie's Sister.” One of the teen girls says that maybe Big Sister decided she'd rather die than be without him to which one of the others replies “How romantic!” Of course even in medieval times teenagers were the stupidest.

Valerie is very sad about all this and says she never even knew that her sister was into Henry, and Henry's grandma very creepily looms over her and tells her not to worry because Henry has only ever had eyes for her because she's “the pretty one.” So wait, is Henry's Grandma the wolf? That would be such like a postmodern twist. Or something. She creepily strokes Valerie's face.

Peter comes calling to pay his respects, but Mrs. Bella Swan's Dad won't let him in, telling him she knows why he's here. Duh, he just told you, to pay his respects! She tells him that Valerie is all she has left now and she's not going to let some lowly creepazoid woodchopper take her baby away. He says that he can support Valerie by chopping wood and points out that Bella Swan's dad is also a woodchopper so what is your DEAL lady? She tells him that she knows from experience that it's not exactly going to pay the bills, and that Henry is Valerie's only chance for a better life, and because she's not sure there have been enough cliches yet in this movie, she adds that if he really loves her, he'll let her go. He attempts to convey an emotion with his face before walking away, but it's anybody's guess what it is:

Back at the tavern, everybody is super into Henry's dad's plan to go find the wolf and kill him. Lukas Haas is very concerned. Is Lukas Haas the wolf? Is everybody the wolf? I think everybody is the wolf.

The bartender very helpfully explains that it should be no trouble at all to kill the werewolf because of the following reasons: it can't go out in the daylight (Is it both a werewolf AND a vampire? Only time will tell), it can't walk on holy ground (whatever) and silver is major bad news. Seems simple enough. Henry looks skeptical though, and says that he agrees with Lukas Haas.

At this moment of wimpiness, Peter comes in and the two heroes have a “who can look the dumbest” contest.

Bella Swan's dad gets in Henry's face and is basically like “Ohhh the little chicken is chicken! Cluck cluck, fellas!” so Henry immediately is like “Ok cool let's kill it.” Way to stick to your guns. Everybody cheers and somebody actually yells “Kill the beast!” which was probably just looped from the mob scene in Beauty and the Beast.

The womenfolk hear the men marching down the street shouting and go to see what's going on. Valerie finds Peter and tells him to be careful, because one of her loved ones already got eaten by the wolf today and it would be a real bummer to make it two. Peter woodenly tells her that they “can't do this anymore” and I'm like whoa, I had no idea medieval breakups were just like modern breakups! He's like “GOD just marry Henry already! It's not like I even give two shits; we were just having some casual fun!” What a lying jerk!

Henry swoops in immediately and is like “Hey Valerie, I made you this silver bracelet, please love me!” and he promises her that she'll be happy again soon. He goes to join the other wolf hunters while Lukas Haas continues to whine that Father Solomon will be there tomorrow and can't they just keep their pants on, geeze louise! They ignore him and head out into the forest.

Valerie of course follows them because she isn't like other wussy sissy girls, and hides behind a very spiky tree while her dad and Henry's dad have a bro to bro talk about how good it was that Henry's dad insisted that they hunt the wolf themselves.

They eventually reach a very picturesque snowy cottage with a very picturesque Julie Christie waiting out front. She hugs Bella Swan's dad and makes him promise he'll be careful. He's like “Geez mom lighten up, what wolf would want to eat me? I probs don't taste very good.” When the dudes move on, Valerie comes out of hiding and goes to her grandmother.

They go inside to eat stew and be sad about Big Sister. Valerie is still upset that she didn't know that her sister had the googly eyes for Henry, and Grandma says “We all have secrets” and the music gets really menacing. IS VALERIE'S GRANDMA THE WOLF??? She then gives a piece of wisdom she got from her own grandmother, “All sorrows are less with bread.” Cool grammar!

Anyhow, Grandma randomly opens up a trunk and pulls out a giant red cape and is super casually like “Hey why don't you try this on? I was making it for your wedding!” Valerie puts it on and is like “UGH, don't even talk to me about my wedding I am OVER IT.”

Meanwhile, the men are now trekking through the mountains and into a dark and spooky cave. Before they enter, Henry tells Peter “You better watch yourself.” DOUBLE MEANINGS! This movie is so clever. We get an unnecessary shot of the full moon looming eerily through the clouds before going into the cave proper, where Henry's dad says “There's a fork.” Correct me if I'm wrong, but they didn't have forks in medieval times did they? Actually I have no idea as I recall 0% of the things I learned about medieval times in school except what I learned from going on a class trip to Medieval Times which was that you will cherish the souvenir photo of yourself posing with the “king” forever and that the flowers the knights throw into the crowd are just carnations and not roses because fairy tales aren't real and life is full of disappointments. But anyway this was a really long and pointless digression for the sake of a not very funny joke because obviously he means the path splits.

The men commit the classic movie blunder of splitting up which I assume will end pretty well for all involved. Bella Swan's dad takes a swig from a canteen and something tells me it's NOT water in there. If you can believe it, they reach yet ANOTHER fork like 20 seconds later and it's like who even designed this cave, M.C. Escher?

Peter and his buddies go one way while Henry and his dad go another. Meanwhile in town, everybody is locking and bolting their houses and Lukas Haas (who I should mention is some kind of priest I think, unless he's just wearing a brown robe and cross necklace as a fashion statement) shuts himself in the church.

In the cave, suddenly Henry and his dad are plunged into darkness when their torches go out, and a hilarious wolf face emerges out of the blackness, followed by a not-very-manly scream.

The other dudes rush to see what happened, and find Henry's dad lying there looking fairly dead, with a wolf snarling next to him.

Back at Grandma's, Valerie is woken up by a rattling at the door. She freaks out and runs to her grandma's room and is surprised to see Grams pop out from under the covers super cheerfully, saying “Good morning, dear!” It is possible that this lady isn't the wolf but is just a MEGA weirdo which would explain why she lives in a cottage in the woods by herself instead of in the town, but the movie sure seems to want to make us think she's the wolf.

Valerie is just like “Uh... good morning?” and makes a hasty exit.

On her way home, Valerie voiceovers that her grandma told her that the wolf used to kill whole families and take children out of their beds. This wolf is probably just misunderstood though right? And sexy? I'm just spitballing here.

Valerie wanders through the deserted streets in town, past the creepy moonface scarecrow thing, and the camera work suggests that somebody is creepin' nearby.

She goes into the tavern, where the super manly men have very masculinely impaled the wolf's head on a stick and are waving it around in triumph which does not seem like a very sanitary thing to do in a place where food and beverages are served but whatever. If it were modern times there would be some serious jock jams and Gatorade pouring. Valerie looks upstairs and makes wistful eye contact with Peter.

Unfortunately the parade is emphatically pooped on when Henry's creepy grandma walks by the open door of the tavern, accompanying a cart pulling her son's corpse. She gives a serious death glare to everybody inside.

Bella Swan's dad, tail very much between legs, meekly proposes a toast to Henry's dad, for his sacrifice.

Valerie goes to find Henry, who is banging a metal thing on another metal thing over an open flame. I know there is a technical term for what he is doing but I am too busy drinking this wine to remember/look it up but you get the picture. Valerie says that his father was a brave man and he's like “I WAS SO CLOSE I COULD SMELL THAT DAMN DIRTY WOLF BUT I WAS A COWARD AND I HID LIKE THE KING OF CHUMPFORDSHIRE!” She tries to comfort him but he yells at her to leave.

Apparently Valerie is incapable of walking two steps in any direction without somebody accosting her or being stalked by a creeper or seeing something sketchy, because she immediately sees her mom in a house standing over Henry's dad's corpse and looking probably a little more sad than is necessary, from which she surmises that Henry's dad was the dude she was talking about when she gave the whole “I was in love with someone else when I married Bella Swan's dad” speech earlier. SCANDAL!

This has also led her to connect an unlikely dot by realizing that her mom totally DID know that Big Sister had a crush on Henry, so she asks why she had to be the one to get married to Henry when her sister was both older and interested. Her mom is just like “You already know why, dummy!” but Valerie insists that she speak the gross truth out loud: Henry's dad was also secretly Big Sister's dad. 

So was the mom the wolf and just trying to prevent incest? Since I am far from convinced that the wolf they killed in the cave was the wolf wolf considering we're only 25 minutes into the movie? Anyway, she makes Valerie promise that she'll never tell her dad the HORRIBLE TRUTH.

Off in the distance, some kind of horn sounds to signal that Father Solomon has arrived and Lukas Haas is pants-peeingly excited.

Father Solomon rolls up in a spooky carriage with like 20 dudes on horses surrounding him and also a giant elephant statue, of course. A couple of the guards take off their helmets and introduce Father Solomon, who is Gary Oldman. He emerges from his carriage in a pretty purple robe.

Lukas Haas actually applauds. What is this guy's deal? Father Solomon's little daughters come bursting out of the carriage to say goodbye, crying, and Father Solomon is like “Don't worry, kids! Look at all these scared village children! I'm going to save them from a wolf!” and one of the girls is like “Is it the wolf that ate our mom?” and he's like “Ehhh, maybe.” They hug, and he sends them away in the carriage, saying he'll be back soon.

Lukas Haas runs up and says what an honor it is and kisses his hand, while the old guy from the tavern just rolls up with the wolfhead-kebab and is like “You got here just in time for us to brag about how we already beheaded the wolf, you tardy loser!”

Buzzkill Father Solomon is like “You dummies, that's not a werewolf” and the old guys is like “Uh, check your prescription bucko because it is totally a werewolf” and Father Solomon is like “No T no shade but you wouldn't know a werewolf if it ate your face and I am an expert.”

He then tells the spooky story of how he and his wife lived in a quaint little village just like this one with their two beautiful daughters until he and his buddies got crunk one night and went werewolf hunting just for LOLs, and they found one and it bit his friend in half right in front of him so he hacked at it with a machete or something and managed to chop its paw off but then POOF it disappeared and he went home and found his wife missing a hand and LO AND BEHOLD the werewolf paw in his pouch had turned into a human woman's hand. OH MY GOD WOMEN CAN BE WEREWOLVES THERE IS TOTALLY A SHEWOLF IN THE CLOSET. Everybody is shocked as he shows them the severed hand of his werewife. Anyway, he told his kids that the werewolf killed their mom but LOL he was the one who killed her because werewolves are stinky and must be exterminated.

So the moral of the story is that werewolves turn back into humans when they get cut so all those manly men on their manly hunting trip only succeeded in taunting and murdering a garden variety wolf like a bunch of chumps and the REAL wolf is still out there somewhere just wolfin' it up, were-style.

They move the party into the tavern where Father Solomon shows off his Master Sword. Lukas Haas drools on it and says “This is one of only three silver swords blessed by the holy *something I can't quite make out but sounds like it could be 'seed' so I'm just going to go with that even though I'm sure it's not right*” and asks if he can touch it and Father Solomon is like “No you may not touch my sword you weirdo.”

He tells the townspeople that it's a very dangerous time because it's the Blood Moon and asks if they know what that means. They all stare blankly. HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE BEEN WATCHING SLEEPY HOLLOW? IT MEANS SEXY REANIMATED WITCH CORPSES.

Father Solomon's henchmen open up a big spooky looking trunk to unveil a fancy gold model of the solar system that looks like it was stolen from Dumbledore's office. FS explains that every 13 years, the red planet converges with the moon and that's the only time werewolves can be created. For theatrical effect he throws something into the little pot at the center of the model and it bursts into flames. What a showboat. FS's main henchman elaborates that normally if a werewolf bites you you'll just die, but during the Blood Moon you will become a wolf.

So apparently there are only three more days of the Blood Moon and FS is about to explain how they're going to get rid of the wolf, but the old guy still insists that he already killed the wolf because he is a dummy and his pride is wounded or something. This is why men are the stupidest. So FS is just like “Girl please, the wolf tricked you all into thinking he/she lived in that cave so you wouldn't realize the real truth that he/she LIVES AMONG YOU!” There are gasps all around and everybody starts giving each other side-eye. A disproportionate number of people stare at Valerie.

FS commands his minions to barricade the village so the wolf can't escape and all the local dummies are like “NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT! WE ALREADY KILLED THE WOLF! WE'RE GOING TO GET CRUNK TO CELEBRATE AND YOU CAN GO EAT A FIG FOR ALL I CARE!” FS is just like

He heads outside but first gets up in the old guy's face and is like “Ok whatevs have your party but don't expect a pity party when you realize you are the dumbest!”

The party that night is real weird. People are wearing masks, they're still carrying around the wolf head but have given it some kind of flower crown, and some goons are staging a very manic reenactment of the Three Little Pigs, which seems pretty anachronistic but not NEARLY as much so as the music I think we're supposed to believe is being made by these guys

but is actually being made by this lady

which TBH seems like more or less a marriage of equals.

Some harlot starts sexy dancing all up on Lukas Haas so he runs away into the church. Henry's grandma is still real pissed so she dramatically shuts the windows of her house. Or maybe she just doesn't like the rock music because she's old. Valerie joins her coterie of gal pals. Bella Swan's dad passes out drunk in his own vomit while somebody in a wolf costume pretends to maul him but actually ends up just looking like he's dry-humping him, so Valerie hits him with a big stick.

Her dad wakes up and is like “OOPS sorry! I'll just go sleep it off! You're my good daughter” which is a pretty callous thing to say like 24 hours after your other daughter was eaten! So maybe he knows his wife's dark secret after all. MAYBE HE IS THE WOLF.

Meanwhile, the FS minions are patrolling around the gates. This kid who I assume is supposed to be mentally challenged creeps up to one of them and taps him on the shoulder, whips out some kind of tarot card and LOLs in his face. FS rolls up menaces him away.

Back at the party, the harlot who was dancing up on Lukas Haas is now dancing up on Peter who seems pretty into it. Valerie sees this and basically chugs a beer before going over and retaliating by sexy dancing with her lady friend. Who knew medieval times were so accepting of aggressive pansexual dance-offs? Henry strolls up and is not amused.

He shoves Peter and yells at him for going on the other side of the fork when he said they should stick together, which is something I don't remember happening. Valerie tries to break it up but Henry swats her away and punches Peter in the face. Peter pulls out a knife and is like “DON'T TOUCH MY PRECIOUS VALERIE UH WAIT I MEAN UMMMM I DON'T LIKE HER ANYMORE BUT LEAVE HER ALONE!!” The party is now very awkward.

Valerie goes running after Peter and he's like “DON'T YOU GET IT? I'M TRYING TO MAKE YOU GO AWAY!” but she's just like “ilu 4ever why r u dancing with that harlot u don't even like her!” He tries to make a gross comment about how he doesn't have to like her to want to bone her but his heart is not really in it. She says she knows he feels the same but he points at her bracelet that Henry gave her and is like “I will never be able to give you fancy jewelry so I clearly am not good enough for you!” Classic dilemma. It's very Dan and Serena except less judgmental.

Anyway, she eventually wears him down and they make out against a building. He says “I could eat you up” which is a poor choice of words given the circumstances (and also just in general), but she gets an even bigger lady boner and they move the party inside and onto a convenient pile of hay while WOLF CAM watches them. Oh wait, it's just Henry. UNLESS HENRY IS THE WOLF! Anyway, he pervily watches Peter unlace Valerie's bodice to liberate her heaving bosom or whatever. Nobody pauses for even a moment to wonder if it's really wise to be canoodling on a haystack with a roaring fire just inches away.

Their foreplay is interrupted when some other people come into the house, so they go their separate ways.

The party is still raging and Valerie joins in by walking across hot coals (?) while wearing fake antlers (?) and she is having a GREAT time until a wolf bursts out of a house and knocks down the cocky old wolf-kebab-wielding guy. Everybody runs screaming while FS and his minions come out of the shadows with their hardcore wolf-fighting weapons and tell everybody to go to the church.

Several of the minions get ropes around the wolf's neck but it is SO STRONG that it just tugs on the rope and sends them flying through the air and then starts eating one of the dudes while the others throw things at it. FS yells “GOD IS STRONGER!!!!!” and rides up on his white horse with his seed-blessed Master Sword, prepared to joust this jerk to death. Unfortunately the wolf just goes straight for the horse and FS goes flying.

The wolf runs off and FS surveys the damage, yelling out into the night “I WANT YOU!” Valerie and her ginger friend look on from a balcony, but suddenly it starts shaking so they run away, only to come face to face with the wolf him(her)self.

Then the wolf gets up in Valerie's face and STARTS TALKING! This movie is amazing. It says “Youuuuu cannnnn't escaaaappe froommm meeeee” and she's like “OMG how do you know how to talk?” The wolf says that all that matters is that she can understand him/her. Is this like a parseltongue thing where only Valerie can understand? IT TOTES IS because Ginger Friend is like “What the fuck are you talking about, Valerie?” The wolf snaps at her and then gazes into Valerie's eyes. She whispers “Human eyes, dark brown!” for reasons I can't imagine, and the wolf tells her that it knows her well. It knows that she wants to leave the village, and that they are the same. She's like “UH NO WE ARE NOT YOU ARE A MURDERER” and the wolf is like “Oh yeah, well who killed that bunny, huh? Anyway, if you don't run away with me I will kill everybody starting with your ginger pal!” What a jerk.

Apparently she doesn't care about Ginger Friend that much because she's just like “Whatevs, FS is going to murder the crap out of you.” The wolf is like “PSHAW! He'll be deadsies before you can say 'Wolf's your uncle!' I'll be back to get you before the Blood Moon becomes the normal moon” and then it bounds away over the rooftops as FS and his goons ineffectually shoot silver arrows at it.

As they're heading home, Ginger Friend is like “You were talking to the wolf but all I heard was growls! WTF?” and Valerie tells her not to tell anybody or they'll think she's a witch. 

In the morning, Lukas Haas prays over the corpse of the cocky old guy. He apologizes to FS about how everybody doubted him and had an ill-advised party, and FS says it's the strongest werewolf he's ever seen and must come from a super old bloodline or something. As he walks through the corpse-strewn streets, he says the only way they'll be able to kill it is if they find it in human form and that it has only survived this long by not being obvious. Apparently the signs of a werewolf in human form are isolation, witchcraft, strange behavior and strange smells. And he's going to go through everybody's house to try to find the stinky witchy loner among them.

One of the presumed dead minions starts coughing, and Valerie gives him water. But since he was bitten during the Blood Moon he is living in Werewolf City now so FS stabs him through the heart with the Master Sword, right in front of his own brother! How rude.

Valerie stares across the crowd at Peter, who has dark brown human eyes btw, and gets scared and runs away. He follows her but she won't let him in the house. He tells her that they're in danger and need to leave, and asks her to come away with him. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE WOLF SAID! She tells him she can't come with him.

She turns around and is frightened by the sight of her creepy grandma holding a very furry brown blanket and looking very wolf-like. 

I GET IT, SHE'S CREEPY AND MIGHT BE THE WOLF! She's tending to Valerie's mom, whose face got scratched by the wolf. She looks at Valerie and we discover that she ALSO has dark brown human eyes. Geez, how are they going to ever figure out who the wolf is?

She looks suspiciously at her grandma and tells her that the wolf talked to her. Grandma is like "Well that's creepy that you are the parswolfmouth, but on the bright side, the wolf decided not to eat you. Let's hug!" Mom starts moaning and groaning and Valerie decides the water they have is too bloody and goes to get more.

Ginger Friend refuses to talk to her on the street because of her spooky wolf-talking powers. While she's getting water from the well, Henry walks up and says he saw her getting down with Peter last night and knows she doesn't want him. SO LEAVE HER ALONE YOU PERV! He says he won't force her to marry him and that he's breaking off the engagement. She gives back his bracelet and says she's sorry.

Meanwhile, FS and his bros and going through everybody's stuff trying to find wolf clues.

One of them calls out that he found somebody hiding in the tower. It's Ginger Friend's brother, the mentally challenged kid, perched up in the rafters and looking very freaked out. FS wants to interrogate him because of his strange behavior, saying he communes with demons. For evidence, he pulls out that tarot card that the kid was trying to prank the minion with during the party and says it's proof that he practices witchcraft.

Valerie is like “Uh, I know that kid and he is no werewolf” but FS is just like “You don't know anything, dummy! I thought I knew my werewife but obviously I did not!” The minions pull the kid down from his perch and drag him over to their weird elephant statue. FS is like “HEY WITCH BOY! Who is the wolf? Tell me, or else!” The kid is tweaking pretty hard and won't answer, so he gets thrown INSIDE THE ELEPHANT STATUE and FS lights a fire under it.

FS very calmly talks about how the Romans invented the “roast your prisoner slowly in the stomach of an elephant statue in order to get answers” method and Lukas Haas is like “My mustache and I aren't so sure about this.”

He says the kid can barely talk even under the best circumstances. FS is like “Whatever, he totes worships the devil. I killed my own wife because of God reasons so you better man up if you want to get rid of this wolf.”

Then we get a really gross shot which I had to suffer through and so you also are going to have to suffer through in a second of FS's poorly manicured hands digging through some meat:

Ginger Friend comes in and is like “Can I pay you these few paltry coins to let my brother out of your weird torture chamber?” He laughs in her face, so she says that she can offer more than money and starts undressing. Oh Ginger Friend :(

He laughs in her face AGAIN and is like “GIRL, PLEASE!” so she says “FINE! If you let my brother go I'll give you the name of a witch!” I would say she's a bad friend, but seeing as she did offer to Do It with FS, who is super gross, before betraying Valerie I can't really judge her too harshly.

So now Valerie is handcuffed at the tavern where the whole town has congregated to hear about her witchy ways. Ginger Friend tells everybody that Valerie is a witch because she can climb trees and run faster than the other girls and wears a red cloak. Grandma is like “GIVE ME A BREAK! I made her that cloak!” but FS's minion shushes her by waving a sword in her face. Then Ginger Friend reveals that Valerie can talk to wolves and the jig is SO up.

FS asks Valerie if it's true that she talked to the wolf, and she's like “Yup, pretty much.” How brave! He asks what they talked about and she says the wolf told her that it wouldn't kill anyone if she left with it. FS says that obviously the wolf is somebody in the village who wants her, and asks who that might be. How much time do you have, man? Everybody wants Valerie because she's the pretty one, haven't you heard?

She refuses to say anything, so FS is just like “Whatevs, just give her to the wolf then, problem solved!” Henry is not cool with that, though, saying it's human sacrifice, but his grandma is like “Ehhhh, it's cool. We've all had to make sacrifices at some point.” Whoever wrote this movie has some serious grandma issues.

After this cheerful town meeting, Henry tracks Peter down and is like “I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT VALERIE! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING!” Peter looks over to where the minions are congregating and is like “I do care but probably drawing attention to how much we love Valerie is not going to be helpful in this situation, you moron.” So Henry says that if Peter is trying to rescue Valerie, he wants to help. This is very Edward and Jacob in Eclipse. Especially because Peter is like “Thanks but no thanks, I'm not that desperate!” Henry says he needs him though because he has tools or something, so they agree to a truce. But they also promise each other that if they find out the other one is the wolf they will decapitate one another. Friendship is beautiful.

Out on the street, Ginger Betrayer is whining to the minions that FS told her he would release her brother and they're like “He did.” She finds his body lying in the middle of a darkened room, having apparently expired in the belly of the elephant.

Valerie is in medieval jail, and her grandma brings her bread and a blanket. She asks if she needs anything else and Valerie shows her a secret shiv hidden in her shoe and is like “I'm good.” The minions apparently did not frisk her, which is SUCH a rookie mistake. Grandma is like “DO NOT stab anybody. We need to find the wolf. It may want you but don't forget, it also ate your sister so I'd personally like for it to die.” Valerie is like “No, grandma, you don't understand. My sister was sooooo sad about my engagement that she gave herself to the wolf so it's TOTALLY fine. No worries.”

An FS minion tells Grandma that time is up, and she hands him the blanket and food for Valerie. He starts eating the apple right in front of her so she knocks it out of his hands. Somebody needs to give the women in this family lessons how to be a lady. For god's sake, it's like they have their own opinions or something!

Peter wheels a wheelbarrow through the streets and comes across Bella Swan's dad. He's like “Yo, future pops! I'm going to rescue your daughter and then I'm going to marry her if that's cool with you!” Bella Swan's dad hugs him, which I suppose counts as a blessing, and asks Peter how he can help.

Meanwhile, Henry is doing something or other with his tools and Valerie's grandma comes by to give him some cookies. They hug, and she thanks him for sticking up for Valerie at the tavern trial. He grabs a cookie and the way they're filming those cookies leads me to believe that they're poisoned. But then she takes a bite too so maybe the filmmakers are so intent on making you think everybody is the wolf that they have hilariously overshot their goal and every single scene is now a red herring.

Anyway, Grandma continues that he really didn't need to stand up for Valerie considering they're not engaged anymore. He says that just because she won't quit playing games with his heart doesn't mean he doesn't care about her. Grandma is like “Oh yeah, cool, that's probs how her sister felt about you! BTW, did you by any chance ask Big Sister to meet you on a wolf night directly resulting in her death?” He's like “R U ACCUSING ME OF MURDER?” and she's like “Nah, of course not. I just want to know the truth.” Apparently a breeze blows through the house at this point because suddenly Henry is like “Wait a sec, I smelled that smell right before my dad got eaten! Do you even remember what you did the night your granddaughter died? J'ACCUSE, BITCH!” She leaves, passing by a confused looking Peter and a spooky looking Henry's grandma who is eerily standing in a dark doorway. She goes home and very dramatically opens a trunk, but we don't get to see what's in it because of suspense.

Back on the street, Henry, Peter and Bella Swan's dad's cool plan is being set in motion. Peter signals to Bella Swan's dad, who is once again boozing in public, and he pulls the stopper out of a barrel of some liquid or other and starts dragging it down the street. Apparently pulling a cart is VERY suspicious behavior because he makes it approximately two yards before a couple of FS minions stop him, and he tries to run away. Unfortunately, they lasso him with their wolf-whips and he falls on his face. He sneers that he hasn't done anything wrong, and they're like “Yeah, ok, drunky. FS doesn't want that witch's family causing any trouble.”

Back in jail, FS brings Valerie her red cloak and says “It's time to put on your harlot's robe.” He spends an inappropriate amount of time fondling her hair with his gross silver fingernails so I'd says that HE is the only harlot in this jail but what do I know, I'm just a lady. He puts a handcuff leash on her and starts leading her away, right as Bella Swan's dad is being thrown in a cell. He tells her he tried his best to protect her and her sister and she says she knows and that he taught her to be strong. He seems more likely to teach her to drink strong drinks, but whatever. It was touching-ish, I guess.

FS makes Valerie put on some weird metal fetish wolf mask and then parades her through the streets with his men. Everybody looks at her and judges her hardcore. She voiceovers something like “What do I even know, maybe everybody is right and I am an evil bitch after all!” I mean, you did kill a bunny. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. FS yells at everybody to go home because I guess his plan is for the wolf to come eat Valerie and they may find it traumatic to watch. Lukas Haas comes up and apologizes and blesses her. I hope he learned his lesson that obsequiousness leads to young girls being put in fetish masks and eaten by wolves!

Her non-ginger friend comes up and tells her that Ginger Friend is sorry and only tattled to save her brother, and Valerie says she forgives her. On her own behalf, non-ginger friend, who is off-the-charts jelly, says “OH BUT BTW, YOU DON'T FOOL ME YOU EVIL JERK! YOU WERE ALWAYS TOO PERFECT AND YOU MISLED US ALL! BURN IN HELL!”

Valerie now takes a moment to remember FS saying that the wolf could be anybody in town, and she thinks about all of the people she knows who have dark brown human eyes, including Lukas Haas, Jelly Friend, both of her parents, Henry's grandma, Peter, Henry, and her own grandma. We have just watched a whole hour of the filmmakers trying to convince us that each of these people is somehow the wolf but I guess we're going to find out soon! Thank god. The suspense has been killing me.

Lukas Haas climbs into an attic where one of the FS minions is sharpening a weapon, while trunks full of other weapons lie around everywhere. FS asks something that I had to listen to four times because his accent is weird and I don't have closed-captioning, but I thinks is “Do you know how you get a town to follow orders?” based mainly on the fact that that makes more sense than what it sounds like, which is “Do you know how you kill the time to foul oats?” But who knows! The answer apparently is “You tie out your best goat and wait.” Which doesn't make sense for either thing so I guess it was a third thing. This movie is already dumb enough without nonsensical/unintelligible dialogue, geez louise. They look outside where Valerie is just hanging out in her creepy mask in the middle of some torches next to the moonface scarecrow. All the minions signal to each other and FS that they're ready for the wolf.

But I BET YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE SECRET SUPERCOOL PLAN that our best buddies Henry, Peter and Bella Swan's dad were executing when Bella Swan's dad got thrown in jail. Apparently whatever leaked out of that barrel earlier was flammable, and Peter puts a torch to it now, so a line of fire springs up in the snow (?) right in front of Valerie. The minions rush to put it out, and Henry creeps out of the shadows in a black hooded cape that goes very nicely with Valerie's red one and tries to get her handcuffs off. Peter goes and sets another fire, possibly in the very haystack on which he was previously attempting to Do It with Valerie, and is caught by a minion. They fight. It's boring.

FS and Lukas Haas head out to help, and FS sees Henry unlocking Valerie's cuffs and orders his minions to shoot him. Lukas is like “GIRL, take it easy! He's not the wolf!” but FS does not give a single fuck. Lukas Haas gives a lot of fucks and tries to run out and stop them so FS straight up stabs him in the back. Lukas falls right next to the flaming haystack of love. 

Luckily this murder takes enough time that Valerie and Henry are able to escape. Peter is not so lucky, though, and FS orders the minions to put him inside the elephant statue, where he screams “VALERIEEEEEEE!” over and over while trying to kick his way out.

Valerie and Henry head to the rendezvous point where Peter was supposed to meet them. When they see that Peter is not there, Valerie is like “Oh HELL no!” and pulls the knife out of her shoe. Henry says “If he doesn't show, I'm gonna take you away.” Poor choice of words, bro! Valerie remembers the wolf saying exactly that same thing to her during their friendly chat and the recollection is making her feel somewhat stabby. He asks if she thinks he's the wolf, and she just stares at him for a minute before they're distracted by a commotion nearby.

She puts away her knife and they head into a building. Valerie says they should go to the church because the wolf can't go there because of Jesus or something, but Henry just gets down on one knee and I'm like “REALLY not the time and place for a proposal but- oh, you're just lifting up her skirt and pulling the knife out of her shoe! Okay...” I think it's supposed to be sexy but it is just creepy. He uses the knife to pry a board out of the wall so they can escape.

They try to run across the town square, which is a really terrific idea because obviously nobody will see them there, and Henry immediately gets shot in the shoulder by a minion with a crossbow. He tells her to go on without him but she's just like “Girl please” and helps him hobble toward the church. Unfortunately, FS is already there. Valerie tries to claim sanctuary but FS is just like "NOPE!" He points the Master Sword at her and has his minions pull Henry inside the gates.

And it looks like we can cross Henry off the wolf list, leaving only 27 other candidates, because the wolf strolls into the town square, casual as you please! FS now decides to throw Valerie in the “Holy Ground” front yard of the church so the wolf can't get to her, and all the minions start shooting.

Waving the Master Sword was very effective at keeping Valerie from getting into the church, but it proves to be less effective at warding off werewolves as we see when the wolf straight up bites off FS's hand. Now you know how your werewife felt, douchebag! The wolf disarms the other minions and then says “Vaaaaaaleerriiiiiiiieeeee. Steeeep acrroosssssss theeee gggaaatteeeee orrrrrrr I'llllll deeesssstrroyyyyy thhhhiiiissss villlaaaaaggeee!” If you want to know what the wolf voice sounds like, it's sort of like Gary Oldman doing the Batman voice and somebody accidentally turned the reverb up really high. It tells her she has until the sun rises to decide, and she says “Welllll, I don't really want you to destroy this village so I guess I'll come with you. You better have good road snacks.”

Henry is like “NOOO MY LOVE DON'T DO IT!” and Ginger Friend steps in front of her, saying she won't let her sacrifice herself. Jelly Friend stands next to her and says she won't either, which definitely makes sense considering her last conversation with Valerie. A bunch of other townsfolk that we don't really care about also join them. The wolf tries to cross the threshold but its paw gets burnt by the power of God, just as the sun starts coming up. It says “You can't hide from me!” and then bounds away.

In case you were wondering if we could cross any other major characters off the wolf suspect list, everybody else in this scene is just an extra. HOW RUDE, MOVIE!

Ginger Friend and Jelly Friend pull Valerie into a group hug which is rudely interrupted by FS, who grabs Valerie and smashes her head against the church wall and she falls to the ground, TOTES unconscious.

One of the minions is like

and knocks FS over. He points out that FS was bitten during a Blood Moon, so it's werewolf o'clock AKA time to die. FS is like “But my children will be orphaned wah wah wah don't do it!” The minion is like “Oh yeah, cool story, remember how you murdered my brother yesterday? He had kids and was also MY BROTHER you asshat so PEACE THE FUCK OUT!” He stabs him in the heart.

Valerie wakes up from her micronap and immediately asks where Peter is. Henry makes the saddest sadface. Then Valerie has some kind of acid flashback where her vision gets all woozy and she sees a vision of her grandma's secret creepy trunk and the next thing she knows, she's in bed with Grandma herself. Grandma's eyes are looking extra creepy and Valerie says, and I am not lying, “Grandmother, what big eyes you have!” That is some serious pot kettle shit right there, Ms. Seyfried. Grandma says “The better to see you with, my dear!” OH MY GOD, JUST LIKE IN THE STORY! They go through it with the ears and teeth, Grandma's voice getting more and more Batman-y by the second, and just after “The better to eat you with, my dear” Valerie wakes up in her own bed next to Ginger Friend. FAKEOUT CITY! I feel so misled.

She goes downstairs and her mom is like “I was sooo super worried about you, let's chat!” but Valerie just grabs her cloak and a basket and says she's going to visit Grandma because she thinks she's in danger. How in any universe is that the message you got from that dream? Whatever.

While she walks out into the town, we get a look at our old friend Elephant Statue, and SURPRISE! It's open!

Valerie goes up to the church gate and kneels down and maybe puts something on the ground or something but they purposely don't show us as though that will somehow make us care. Henry spots her and goes over. He says they're going after the wolf before it snows so much that they can't follow its tracks, and hey don't worry, it'll be super easy to kill it because it's daytime so it will be human! He adds that Peter is still missing, and she tells him to be careful and kisses his cheek. He makes this face:

So Valerie treks off into the woods by herself which is CLASSIC fairytale stuff. Peter comes out of nowhere and is like “Thank god you're alright!” but said very nonchalantly because seriously, this actor has two inflections: nonchalant and “sexy.” Both are very similar. Valerie freaks out when she sees that he's wearing a leather glove on one hand because of how the wolf burned its paw on holiness last night. She asks where he was, and he's like “In the elephant, geez, catch up already!” She points a tiny knife at him and tells him to stay away. He looks at her with his dark brown human eyes and is like “Pffft, whatevs, I know you won't hurt me” and is very surprised when she stabs him!

She runs off, and Peter crouches in a very wolf-like manner behind her. 

We're going to be so surprised when this turns out to be a fakeout and the wolf is actually Bella Swan's dad or something.

She makes it to Grandma's spooky cabin and is like “Yo Grandma where are you? I had a spooky dream!” Grandma calls out from behind a weird curtain that she's fine, and that there's some soup if she's hungry. Valerie has a headache on account of how FS's last act on earth was to smash her head into a building, so maybe she doesn't notice that Grandma's voice is sounding pretty hoarse and also that the soup is THE #1 GROSSEST SOUP EVER TO EXIST.

She says that she thinks the wolf is out there now, and Grandma is like “It's fine, don't worry about it! Just eat my gross soup! All sorrow is less with bread or whatever that weird thing I said earlier was! Callbacks!” Valerie eats and is like “What the f is this shit, like it looks like literal shit!” and you think Grandma is about to spookily emerge from behind the curtain but

It's Bella Swan's dad! IS HE THE WOLF???? WAS I PSYCHIC?????? DID HE EAT GRANDMA???????????????

Valerie is like “What are you doing here?” and he says he had no choice and then shows her his burned hand. I WAS PSYCHIC! I AM A WITCH! PUT ME IN A FETISH MASK AND LEAVE ME NEXT TO THE MOONFACE TO DIE!

He tells her to sit down and then starts to tell her his werewolf origin story. It starts off as whinily as possible, basically like “I can't get any respect around here! I had to settle for being a lowly woodchopper! It's not fair!” So he decided that in order to have the fabulous life he knew he deserved, he would move to the city and take Valerie and her sister with him, but first he would have to turn them into werewolves so he had to wait for the Blood Moon. Since Big Sister was the firstborn, she would get werewolfed first so he creepily wrote a fake love note to his own daughter from the boy who was secretly her half-brother.

So he found Big Sister by the haystacks and tried to explain everything to her, but she couldn't understand him so he was like “UGHHHHHH MY WIFE WAS A FILTHY CHEATER AND YOU ARE NOT MY DAUGHTER PREPARE TO BE EATEN!!!!” But he was real sorry about it afterwards, he swears. You may remember that Valerie's mom got scratched in the face by the wolf at one point, and this was because Bella Swan's dad was SO MAD about the cheating. And he also murdered Henry's dad in that cave because of revenge. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Except not really.

So anyway, Henry smelled Bella Swan's dad's wolf smell the night his father was eaten, and he thought he smelled it again on Grandma but he ACTUALLY smelled Bella Swan's dad, who was creepin' outside because he's a creep. So when Grandma left her “You're the wolf!” “No, you're the wolf!” “Shut your wolf-mouth you smelly wolf asshole!” “LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WOLF!” conversation with Henry, she spotted Bella Swan's dad outside and was like “Ohhhh right! I've smelled that smell before! Bella Swan's dad smells just like his father! Better sniff one of his old shirts to be sure!” Because Grandpa was a werewolf too, though somehow she never knew. Anyway, Bella Swan's dad caught her smelling her dead husband's shirt, so he killed her to make sure she wouldn't share his TERRIBLE SECRET. RIP, Grandma! Turns out you were just a really creepy person, after all!

So Bella Swan's dad is like “I loved both Grandma and Big Sister and I never wanted to hurt them, but I had to kill them because of reasons. Sorry! So anyway, let me bite you and let's run away together!” She's like 

He tells her werewolfism is a gift, and that it gets stronger with every generation so together they'll be invincible.

Valerie says “I must be a god, because you're the devil” which makes THE MOST SENSE. Somebody get these guys an Oscar! Bella Swan's dad is like “Welp, ok, but then that actually makes you the devil's daughter, dummy.” And then Peter busts in and is like “WHAT UP PARTY PEOPLE! WOLVES AREN'T SO SCARY IN THE DAYTIME, AM I RIGHT?” But apparently they are because it takes two seconds of hand-to-hand combat before Bella Swan's dad has an axe to Peter's throat. He tosses Peter into another room and his eyes get all wolfy and he starts to go in for the kill, but Valerie stands in the door holding her basket and is like “Wait! I have something for you” and he's like “Ohhh, I love presents!” so he goes toward her to get it when SURPRISE! He gets an axe right in the back courtesy of Peter.

Valerie pulls the cloth off her basket to reveal the severed hand of Father Solomon, complete with gross silver nails, and stabs him with it. And we flash back to Valerie's random trip to the church gate and see that she was just picking up some spare limbs because she was TOTES going to murder Grandma with it, back when she thought she was the wolf because of her acid dream.

She and Peter look at the corpse of Bella Swan's dad and she asks him to take her home. But he's like “Oops, your dad bit me during the Blood Moon! Guess I have to die now!” THIS MOVIE IS SUCH AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER!

He runs out into the woods and Valerie chases him, while voiceovering that everything she knew had been ripped apart and how since her sister and grandma and dad are dead and her mom lied to her that one time, Peter was all she had left. What about Ginger Friend and Jelly Friend and Henry? Get it together, Valerie! She goes on and on about how even though she accused him of being the wolf and stabbed him, he totally still came to her rescue so she could probably learn to live with the werewolf thing, right?

So they take a lovely trip to the river with Bella Swan's dad's corpse, which Peter starts cutting up with his bunny-killing knife. He says that if anybody finds out that Bella Swan's dad was the wolf, they'll hang Valerie just for being related to him which is WAY harsh, Tai. So they SEW ROCKS INTO HIS DEAD BODY AND PUT HIM IN THE RIVER. These two are so gross, you guys.

Peter tries to row away, saying that he needs time to learn how to be a domesticated werewolf so he doesn't accidentally eat her in the early days, but she's like “Whatever dude, let's go to the top of a snowy mountain and get naked and Do It on top of my red cape. We will probably not get frostbite or end up with a litter of werewolf cubs, it's totally fine.” Oh wait no, that was actually just Valerie's super dumb fantasy! LOL x1000. She says she'll wait for him and he says “I thought you'd say that!”

Then he rows away and Valerie is SO sad.

She voiceovers that it was the most brutal winter of all time. Her mom realized that Bella Swan's dad was never coming back from wherever it is she thought he went. Henry got super brave and chose a life of riding through the forest on a horse to protect the town. The wolf didn't come back but the townspeople were still super scared and left livestock offerings for it because they are the stupidest. She decided she couldn't live there anymore so she moved into Grandma's house, AKA the place where she recently murdered her own father, and sat around playing thumb pianos and petting adorable black cats. And even though it was kind of scary living in the woods alone, she wasn't really scared, she swears!

So one night she goes out to pick flowers in the moonlight, as one does, and a wolf comes out of the shadows. She makes googly eyes at it, and the credits roll. And at the very end of the credits, a scary wolf face jumps out of the dark which leads me to believe that after Valerie made googly eyes at the wolf, it ate her, which would be the best ending but may be a misreading on my part.

Now, at the end of this masterpiece, if I had to choose three words to capture its essence, they would be:

Sliding Doors

After trudging through Fast Five I thought it was high time I wrote about a movie that I actually legitimately like. Luckily, I legitimately like a lot of movies that are not necessarily actually good. Without further ado, I give you:

We open on your typical “this movie is set in London” establishing shots of Big Ben, bobbies and buses. “Funky” music that leaves the viewer with 0% doubt that this movie was made in the '90s plays in the background. We get our first glimpse of our leading lady, Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow (who was apparently feeling very British in 1998, also the year Shakespeare in Love was released), rushing to get ready for work and spilling tea on a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. I think if they really wanted to sell her Britishness to us it should have been The Canterbury Tales or an issue of OK!, but what do I know.

She wipes off her book, puts it in her boring sensible businesslike purse and kisses her sleeping boyfriend, whose eyebrows rival those of Peter Gallagher himself, on her way out the door.

But it turns out Eyebrows was only feigning sleep and waiting for Gwynnie to leave, as he immediately pops up and takes the phone off the hook and hops in the shower when she's gone. TROUBLE IN PARADISE???

As Gwyneth heads to work, a jovial old sandwich shop owner already has her sandwich ready as she approaches and is waiting outside the door of his shop with it as she comes up. That's not at all creepy.

Despite all the rushing about, she's late to work which we know because she power-walks through the office saying “Shit, shit, shit, shit” to herself before heading into a conference room full of grim-faced white dudes. She apologizes for being late, but they skip the niceties and go straight to accusing her of stealing the company liquor. 

She explains that she “borrowed” four bottles of vodka from the office for her birthday party and that she brought some to replace what she took, and they give her some bullshit about not having had anything to offer some client who came in over the weekend. Gwyneth is like “It's always a smart idea to keep a case of Absolut Crystal in your platinum desk safe in case of unexpected visits from important clients. It's a steal at only $1,000 per bottle, and will show your client that you care without being too ostentatious. Didn't you get my newsletter?” They're just like “Bitch, you're fired.”

She congratulates them on finally getting rid of her after wanting to for so long, and then makes an awkward joke about how she would have grown a penis if she had worked there much longer. Because this was the '90s, one of the dudes says “Told you. Lesbian!” as though that makes sense and/or is funny.

Meanwhile, back at home, Eyebrows has been joined by a ladyfriend who is definitely NOT Gwynnie, and who definitely IS doing a striptease. Who is this harlot? Why, it's Barb from Big Love! But now she's playing the Bitchy American Manstealing Power-Trollop.

Unaware that such shenanigans are going on at home, a very dejected Gwyneth gets on the elevator. Her earring falls out, and a squirrely-looking dude nicely picks it up for her.

We have now reached the CRUCIAL MOMENT of the film. Gwyneth is on the moving walkway at the tube station and hears a train approaching. The entire crisis of this movie could have been averted if she had not been doing what I consider one of the top ten most annoying things an able-bodied adult human can do in a public space (standing still on an escalator or moving walkway as though it was built for people who are too lazy to walk, rather than as a device to help them move more quickly). But I digress. She runs toward the tracks and we find that the entire course of her life depends on whether a woman pulls her daughter out of Gwyneth's path on the stairs.

We first see Universe One, which I will refer to as “GOOP,” in which poor Gwyneth misses her train. As the train pulls out of the station, there is an announcement saying basically that there will be no more trains for a hundred years so you better find alternate means of transport, suckers! She goes back outside and tries to catch a cab, but unfortunately the worst mugger of all time attempts to grab her bag and fails miserably just as her cab is pulling up. He does manage to knock her head into a tree, so the kindly old cab driver takes her to the hospital.

Then, we literally rewind Gwyneth's trip down the stairs, and enter Universe Two, or “POOG,” in which she gets on the train by sticking her arm in the closing doors and forcing them open.

She sits down next to the chivalrous earring-retriever from earlier, while a proto-hipster sitting on his other side is annoyingly singing along to whatever he's listening to on his discman. Gwyneth is about the most relatable she'll ever be by making a bitchface while studiously ignoring him.

Her elevator buddy finds it hilarious though, and commits a huge social sin by trying to make conversation with the guy about how whatever the song is stole its lyrics from the Beatles. He makes this face:

Elevator guy then turns to Gwynnie to ask her opinion about Beatles-Lyrics-Gate, and the only thing that makes this forgivable is that he has revealed that he has a VERY nice Scottish accent. And we all know that the right accent covers all manner of sins. Gywneth is not having any of it though, and says she doesn't know if they're Beatles lyrics. Chatty McGee says that everybody is born knowing all Beatles lyrics, and that they should in fact be called “The Fetals” which is funny, but there's a time and place for zygotic punnery and talking to strangers on public transportation is NOT it.

She just ignores him, but he can't take a hint and is like “How come nobody ever talks to each other on the tube? People r strange. Oh look your book is covered in tea! How strange LOLOLOL!” She is like “Listen bro, I'm attempting to read To Kill a Mockingbird right now because apparently I am a high school freshman, so shut up and leave me the f alone GEEEEEEEZ.” He's like “Oops sorry I get it, I'm just having a good day and am the most cheerful man on earth. Hey wait, have we met?” She manages to roll her eyes and raise her eyebrows at the same time, but he says he remembers now that he picked up her earring in the elevator earlier. He asks if she works in that building and she says “NOT ANYMORE; HOW DOES THAT FOOT TASTE?” He finally wises up and stops talking. He is abashed enough that he warns her that he's getting off at the next stop so she doesn't think he's following her if she's getting off too, which of course she is.

For some reason she feels guilty now and runs after him to apologize and says she's not good at talking to strangers. He introduces himself as James, but since he's in some ways an older and more Scottish version of John Cusack in Say Anything, he'll be known as Lloyd McDobler from here on in. They start walking together and Gwyneth's version of small talk is to awkwardly say “I live with someone! A man! I live with a man!” He's like “OMFG what would he think if he knew you were walking and talking with a strange man right now???”

Speaking of Eyebrows, he is currently listening to “Bennie and the Jets” and making out with Barb. They are also having the least sexy and most expositional conversation of all time, in which they talk about how he used to date her before Gwyneth came along, but then she went back to America for three years and Barb is like “How dare you not wait around for me all that time? LOL JK but not really?”

Gwyneth and Lloyd McDobler finally part ways, and he says he's sorry about her job, but that she should always remember what the Monty Python boys would say. She assumes that he means “Always look on the bright side of life” but instead he offers this nonsequitur: “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” This will be repeated almost as often as the “Your suitcase's name is Louis” joke from Leap Year but somehow doesn't get old quite as fast. Maybe because it's just weirder. Anyway, Gwyneth is in a much better mood now because I think it's probably impossible to be around Lloyd for more than two minutes without either bashing him over the head with a frying pan or catching excessive cheerfulness.

GOOP

Gwyneth tries to call Eyebrows to pick her up from the hospital, but he is now having a post-coital shower. “Bennie and the Jets” is somehow still playing so either that song has a lot more in common with “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” than I ever realized or Eyebrows is a very unimpressive lover.

POOG

Having caught her train, Gwyneth gets home early enough to catch Eyebrows and Barb in flagrante.

She stands calmly in the doorway and says “I didn't think you liked Elton John.” He says “I do sometimes.” Then she slaps him repeatedly and calls him a “useless shagging bastard” because this movie is rated PG-13 so she can't say “fucking” and Americans will just accept that that is something British people say because we are dummies.

Gwyneth starts yelling at Eyebrows in a much more expositional way than before (“I'm working all hours to support you while you're supposedly writing your first novel!” etc.). She grills him for a while about how long it's been going on and is he in love with Barb and how much of an idiot is she etc. etc. but he just stands there wrapped in a blanket, looking a fool.

GOOP

Gwyneth takes a cab home from the hospital just as Barb is leaving. Eyebrows is now in the shower, and a different Elton John song is playing. Gwynnie comes in and asks if he just woke up and he starts rambling nervously about how he didn't sleep well so he woke up and had a drink and then went back to sleep. There's then a “hilarious” slapsticky scene where she tries to tell him about getting fired and mugged, but he gets distracted when he notices Barb's earring on the bed and leaps over to hide it, pretending he wants to turn off the music because he hates Elton John (whoever wrote this movie had a lot of feelings about Elton John apparently). Then he sees the two brandy glasses sitting out and runs over and knocks one of them into the laundry basket. Gwyneth is like “Are you high?”

POOG

Gwyneth dramatically stands on a bridge weeping, and throws a ring into the water with a cavalier disregard for the ecosystem.

GOOP

Finally having gotten a chance to explain what happened, Gwyneth tells Eyebrows that if she had only caught the train, everything would have been fine. He freaks out again like “DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!” as though through the power of wishing she could make it so. He is a real head case.

He overcompensates for his own fuckery by going into Great Boyfriend mode, getting her ready for a night of heavy drinking and Indian food. She's like “U R the best, Eyebrows. ILU 4ever.”

POOG

Eyebrows is trying to find Gwyneth, presumably to stare at her with puppy-dog eyebrows not saying anything until she spontaneously forgets that he's a dickbag, and goes to her best friend's house. Her best friend (Anna) is so '90s it hurts.

Anna says Gwyneth isn't there and asks what he did to piss her off. Eyebrows is like “Um... I don't... know? Pretty please tell me if you see her.” Anna is like “Girl please, I don't take orders from you.”

Meanwhile, Gwyneth is sitting at a bar by herself, smoking and getting crunk. It's so weird to me that there was ever a time that people could just smoke in bars and restaurants.

Eyebrows is now also at a bar with his own best friend, Russell. Russell is my favorite because all he does in this movie is give Eyebrows a hard time and laugh directly in his face. Also he is wearing a Canadian tuxedo. He's like:

Eyebrows is like “But I don't understand why this happened to me!!!” Russell says “You've been whining to me for weeks about how much it sucks having two girlfriends and how you can't choose, and I told you something would happen to make the choice for you. And now it has! In your face LOLOLOLOL!”

Gwyneth is still drinking alone when Lloyd McDobler comes into the bar with his friend Clive. They're having a boring conversation about Clive trying to get publicity for the restaurant he's opening when Lloyd spots Gwynnie and goes over to talk to her. She is clearly in a black hole of despair, so he reassures her that she'll find another job, but she's like “Guess what happened since I last saw you? I caught my useless shagging bastard boyfriend shagging this shagging slag!”

Lloyd calls Eyebrows an idiot and tries to comfort her by telling her how pathetic his buddy Clive is because of something about owning crocodile-skin luggage and watching Baywatch which for some reason makes Gwyneth LOL. Probably because she's drunk. Anyway, Lloyd leaves her alone and says she can join them if she decides she wants company.

GOOP

Apparently Gwyneth's #1 Depression Hotspot bar from POOG-land is also where Eyebrows decides to take GOOP Gwyneth to drink beer and whiskey until she forgets how shitty her life is. In this universe Lloyd McDobler is also there, but in this reality they are just Craigslist Missed Connections and she brushes past him as they leave the bar.

At one point Barb calls Eyebrows to talk about how great it was Doing It with him earlier, but he pretends that it's a wrong number and hangs up on her. Why did you even answer the phone in the first place, dummy?

POOG

Anna turns up to haul Gwyneth's drunk ass home. Lloyd and Clive are leaving too and offer to share their cab with Drunketh and Anna. Gwyneth insists that she is not as drunk as “thinkle peep” she is which is one of those jokes that is so dorky in a very '90s way that I forgive it for being stupid.

GOOP

Eyebrows is force-feeding Indian food to Gwyneth, who protests that she can't eat it.

POOG

Anna manhandles Gwyneth into bed and teases her that Lloyd McDobler has a Lloyd McBoner for her. She says he was just concerned, and because Anna is the stereotypical “homelier yet randier best friend of the heroine,” she says that if Lloyd was that concerned about her, she'd be helping HIM into bed.

GOOP

Eyebrows manhandles Gwyneth into bed but without any snarky commentary. He then goes into the bathroom and gives a very disturbing speech to himself in the mirror about how there are two things he's worried about: 1. He almost got caught being a cheating cheater, and 2. He's talking to himself again which is, in his own words, “a bad sign.” I wonder if there is a prequel to this movie about Eyebrows's struggles with mental illness.

POOG

Gwyneth is hungover dot com. Anna gives her what looks like a glass of milk but is probably supposed to be one of those magical “only in the movies” hangover cure concoctions with a raw egg and Worcestershire sauce in it or something. She gets into the shower and goes pretty much into a catatonic state, so Anna bursts in on her and pinches her nose to wake her up. Every time I watch a romantic comedy I have to play this game with myself where I try to decide if these are things that other women actually do and I'm just a weirdo, or if the movie is ridic. I'm calling ridic on this one because if my friend ever burst in on me in the shower I would karate chop her face without hesitation.

GOOP

Pretty much exactly what just happened with POOG Gwyneth except Eyebrows is attending to her.

Later that day she looks through the classifieds for a new PR job, but either the positions have all been filled or Emily Thorne has gotten revenge on all of them.

She tells Eyebrows that she'll have to find a part-time job and he throws all of his papers in the air because he is a stable adult human.

POOG

Anna tells Gwyneth that she needs a new look so that people can tell the difference between her and GOOP Gwyneth once the bandaid comes off her face to signify the beginning of a new phase in her life.

GOOP

Gwyneth is now a waitress at what is apparently the only bar in London, but it's still not enough to make ends meet, probably because Eyebrows doesn't have a job because he is a “writer.” She get a delivery job at the sandwich shop from the beginning of the movie. She now wears her hair in braided pigtails probably just to make her look EXTRA frumpy compared to...

POOG

Ultra-glam Gwyneth with her asymmetrical blonde pixie cut!

GOOP

Even though she is so frumpy and brunette, a sleazy guy at the restaurant tries to hit on her while she takes his order by asking what she does when not “serving Mad Cow burgers” (#1998jokes) to assholes like himself. She gives a speech that in the real world would get her fired immediately about how when she isn't there, she's delivering sandwiches and gets home at midnight and if she's not too tired gives a BJ to Eyebrows. Dude is like “TMI, lady.”

POOG

Nine days after the breakup Gwyneth decides she is over Eyebrows now (in her own words: “Bollocks to him!”) but Anna is like “Girl, please. You are still obsessively waiting for him to call and reading his horoscope every day hoping that it will say he's going to die in a horrible accident.” She says that she just wants him to call and admit that he's a twat (her word, not mine) and tell her he wants her back, presumably so she can have the satisfaction of rejecting him, but Anna isn't having any of it.

Just as Anna is joking that Eyebrows's horoscope for the day says that he will die in a freak napalming incident, the doorbell rings and Gwyneth is like “OMFG the moment has arrived!” She goes downstairs to answer it, saying “Bollocks to him” to herself with every step, but is disappointed to find that it's not Eyebrows, but Lloyd McDobler.

He takes her out for a milkshake at a diner and they are having the BEST time!

He tells her he likes her hair. She thinks he's joking but he says that he knows better than to ever joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles. When I get nostalgic about the '90s and idealize them in my head, I really need to start reminding myself that this would have been considered a funny joke then.

Anyway, Gwynnie says that she shouldn't be there because it isn't fair to Lloyd because she's under the impression that they're on a date. She says that he's nice and funny and Anna thinks he's cute, and he goes on this cute fake rant, like “ANNA thinks I'm cute! WTF am I out with you for then?” before explaining that he just wanted to take her out to cheer her up because he was thrown into her life in a moment when she needed it. Normally I would say “Give me a break” but he is sincerely charming and something about his accent makes me just accept this silliness.

She feigns offense when he admits that his job of Official Gwyneth Cheer-Upper is made easier by the fact that he finds her “moderately attractive” but she is clearly charmed. He asks what she's doing next Saturday. She says “Probably killing myself” and he says “Excellent, when does that finish? Do you like boats?”

GOOP

Apparently the answer is “Yes, maybe TOO much” because in GOOP-land she and Eyebrows just Got It On while watching a movie about boats. She tells Eyebrows that it's been two months since they last Did It and he's like “No way, can't be.” He's probably thinking of his other girlfriend.

And now randomly, two months after the fact, Gwynnie decides to ask how one of her brandy glasses got into the laundry basket. Either she doesn't do laundry very often or that has been stewing for a while. Anyhow, Eyebrows predictably has a minor meltdown about it, going from zero to “OH SO BECAUSE THERE WAS A GLASS IN THE LAUNDRY I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR, AM I??? WAY TO SPOIL OUR ROMANTIC MOMENT, YOU JERK!” and it's like dude, if ever there was a way to make your girlfriend sure that you're having an affair, this is it. But I think that GOOP-land Gwyneth has been taking stupid pills because she's just like “Geez, calm down. It's just a question.” He tells her that Anna probably put it there at her birthday party because she's such a crazy lush or something.

POOG

Lloyd drops Gwyneth off and she says she's sorry if he had a bad time because she was such a Debbie Downer. He's like “PSHAW! I got to drink two milkshakes, I'm good.”

GOOP

Scandal! Barb orders sandwiches from Gwynnie's shop. Is this just a crazy coincidence, or is she even more conniving and evil than we thought? We'll have to stay tuned to find out (It's the latter).

When she goes home, Eyebrows is on his way out to “the library” which is code for Barb's lady-parts. After his meltdown the other night, Gwyneth is suspicious and decides to follow him.

He of course notices immediately and actually goes to the library to throw her off the scent. He calls Barb from the library and says he can't meet her and she yells at him for being a spineless d-bag. One wonders why both of these seemingly strong, intelligent women are with such a weasel. She shouts that she already booked their hotel for an illicit lovemaking holiday in Dorset and asks if she should cancel it. He says no.

POOG

Gwyneth is hanging out in Anna's kitchen when she brings the last load of her things from Chez Eyebrows, telling her she's now officially moved out. The phone rings, and Gwynnie thinks it's the follicular marvel himself, but once again it's Lloyd McDobler checking in. He invites her out to dinner with him and his friends, but quickly ends the call when a MYSTERY WOMAN comes in.

They have a cryptic conversation about his mother being frail and the lady asks if she should postpone her trip until whatever is going on with Mrs. McDobler is sorted out. He says no, and then goes out to the garden to talk to his mom who curiously has a very posh English accent rather than a Scottish one to match her son's. But we Americans can't tell the difference as long as they all sound funny, right? Cool. She's sad because I guess she has to move out of her classy country house and into a nursing home in London, but Lloyd comforts her by saying she can get much better crack in town.

GOOP

Eyebrows is out with Russell and once again whining about his lady problems. Russell is like “Let me see if I have this right. Your live-in girlfriend is working two shitty jobs to support you while you fuck around behind her back. You are planning to go to Dorset with your awful mistress presumably using Gwyneth's money. And now you say you're having a moral dilemma?”

He concludes by saying that if he wants to break up with Barb he's going to have trouble because he is the biggest coward of them all. Eyebrows is like “Whytf do I even talk to you about this shit when all you do make fun of me?” and Russell is like “Because we're BFFs and I'm here to help you!” but he can barely say the whole thing before he LOLs at his own funny joke for a very long time.

POOG

Also LOLing are Lloyd and Gwyneth in POOG-land. They are eating at Clive's not-yet-open restaurant and everybody is laughing uproariously at Lloyd acting out the “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” thingy he's so obsessed with. Gwyneth is so impressed with him that they make flirty eye contact across the table.

After dinner, Lloyd walks her home and he tells her she should set up her own PR company. She's like “Aw shucks, a girl like me, run her own company?” They have a Moment when they get to the door, but he just kisses her on the cheek and says goodnight.

Empowered by her new male friend, Gwyneth finally has found the strength within herself to apply for a small business loan. At home, Anna teases her about Lloyd having a crush on her and Gwynnie is just like “Ok mom, whatever.” Anna is like “If you don't want to get in his pants, then how come yesterday was the first time you didn't immediately ask if Eyebrows had called? That's funny! Tell me another.”

You'll be shocked to learn that Gwynnie gets her small business loan, and we're treated to an uplifting montage of her setting up her brand new office. 

GOOP

Gwyneth has been summoned back to Barb's office so that Barb can bitch her out for the sandwiches she delivered having given everybody food poisoning. What a lying b! She asks if Gwynnie is trained in the catering business and she's like “Nope, PR.” Barb says she's not doing a very good PR job right now. Sick burn!

Later on Eyebrows is over at Barb's house and is like “What the f is your deal??? Why would you hire my girlfriend to deliver you sandwiches???? What are you, stupid???????” Barb is like “I just wanted to see the GDB who you refuse to dump even though I am such a delightful presence in your life. And it turns out she has a horseface and is gross!” Eyebrows is all “That's not very nice!” and Barb is like “Why won't you leave her for me?” and Eyebrows is like “You never said you wanted me to!” and if you had any doubts up to this point that this movie was written by a man, they will be dispelled by the following line from Barb, which is verbatim: “I'm a woman! We don't say what we want! But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating, and not a little bit scary!”

Later that night, Russell calls Eyebrows to warn him that Gwyneth called looking for him, so he'll need to use someone else as his beard when she asks where he's been. At that moment she comes home, and he feeds her a line about having been at the library. Gwyneth is basically a walking frowny face and tells him that she needed to see him because she talked to the hugest b of all time and Eyebrows is like “I know. I mean... I can tell!” She says she's tired of working so much and asks when he's going to finish his GD book so they can just be millionaires already and he's like “...soon?”

He has a crisis of conscience in this moment and decides to come clean about his philandering, but unfortunately Gwyneth has fallen asleep.

POOG

Gwyneth is watching Lloyd in a boat race. Don't ask me, I'm just the recapper. She is VERY into it though, and stands cheering with Clive.

GOOP

Gwyneth and Anna are strolling by the river with Lloyd's boat race going on behind them, and she's like “Woah how weird. I totes knew there would be dudes in purple and white outfits having a boat race today!” OMG magical realism. Or something! Anna is like “Bitch you cray. Also why hasn't Eyebrows invited you to come on his research trip to Dorset?” She says he did invite her, but she can't go because she has two jobs and is the sole source of income in their household. Also she's getting fed up with him being a spineless, weasely and potentially seriously mentally ill blookhead. Well, what she actually says is that it will be good for them to get some space, but that was the subtext.

Out of the blue, she asks Anna if she dropped a glass in the laundry at her birthday party and Anna is like “I dunno, I'm a drunken mess so probably!”

POOG

Lloyd wins his boat race and we are all very excited for him. Back at Boating Club Headquarters the team plus Gwyneth do some kind of ritual victory song and dance. Eyebrows and Barb happen to be strolling by and Eyebrows spies her through the window as Barb needles him about being distant lately. Eyebrows is just like “WhoaMG! Gwyneth is in there having some sort of collective fit with a bunch of dudes in ugly turtlenecks! And she's blonde!” Barb is like “WHO CARES DOT CO DOT UK!!! You obviously are still in love with that wench so guess what? WE ARE SPLITSIES!”

Inside, the weird song and dance has dispelled into general mingling, and Lloyd is telling Gwyneth all about Clive's new restaurant which is about to open. Gwyneth offers her PR services and Clive is like “U R my hero. Please plan my launch!”

Later that night Lloyd and Gwyneth are for some reason in a boat by themselves by the bridge that Gwyneth dramatically threw her non-wedding ring off of earlier. They have a conversation that is basically like “I'm so glad we're friends!” “No, I'M so glad we're friends!” “But I'm the most glad” “Nuh uh I am the most glad times infinity!” Gwyneth segues into telling him that she loves the bridge they are floating near, and that her grandfather helped to build it. Which... whatever. She says she likes to come there to think sometimes.

Suddenly the atmosphere is very romantic and Lloyd goes in for a kiss but is cruelly rejected. She's all “I know we're floating on a boat in the river alone at night in front of a sparkling bridge and have just been making googly eyes at each other for 12 hours, but I'm still on the rebound so keep it in your pants.” He says that he's sort of on the rebound too, and she asks from whom. He says it's his first girlfriend, Pamela, who dumped him when he was eight because she became infatuated with Gary Glitter (real line: “She wanted to touch him there”). Pro tip, dude: when attempting to seduce a woman, it's best not to bring pedophiles into the conversation! Gwyneth has luckily not yet read the latest issue of Disgusting Former Glam Rockers Weekly so she just finds the story so hilarious and charming that she changes her mind and kisses him.

He's like “Uh... you weren't going to do that, remember?” and she tells him to chalk it up to a “momentary lapse of concentration.” He's like “Sure, cool, there's a pretty big lapse of concentration happening in my pants right now as a matter of fact! My place or yours?” They go and Do It on his very manly flannel sheets.

GOOP

While Gwyneth is hard at work at the sandwich shop, Eyebrows embarks on his romantic getaway with Barb.

POOG

Gwyneth is at the launch party she planned for Clive's restaurant, and you know it's a huge success because Jamiroquai is playing in the background. Scenes of POOG-land Gwyneth schmoozing and boozing with the classy clientele of Clive's restaurant are intercut with scenes of GOOP-land Gwyneth waitressing at the way more down-market restaurant.

POOG Gwyneth is SUPER PUMPED when she spots a gate-crashing Eyebrows staring at her from across the room.

She excuses herself from what is surely a riveting conversation between Lloyd and Clive to go deal with her ex. She's like “What the f are you doing here you shagging wanker? This is a big night for me and also you suck! Let's talk outside.” Lloyd sees them leave and looks concerned.

Outside, Eyebrows is like “We've been through so much together! You should give me a second chance! I'm totes sorry and u r awesome!”

Inside, Lloyd is morosely staring at them through the window. Clive comes up and asks if he's the ex and Lloyd says yes. Then Clive asks if Gwyneth knows about Claudia. WHO IS CLAUDIA??? THE MYSTERY WOMAN FROM BEFORE??? Lloyd says no, she doesn't know and that he feels lost and confused. Oh no, is Lloyd a secret snake just like Eyebrows? :(

Speaking of Eyebrows, he asks Gwyneth if she'll come and see him so they can have a serious talk about their relationship. She makes this face

which is apparently encouraging enough to Eyebrows that he kisses her. Even though Gwyneth is very clearly not into it, Lloyd is super jelly jells.

Suddenly, both GOOP and POOG Gwyneths are feeling faint and almost collapse. WHAT COULD IT MEAN???

POOG Gwyneth goes back inside and looks for Lloyd, but Clive tells her that he left.

GOOP

Gwyneth tries to call Eyebrows from the restaurant, but unfortunately he is busy having liquor poured on his chest by Barb and he doesn't answer.

POOG

Gwyneth is pissed off because Lloyd has gone on a business trip but didn't tell her, and she couldn't get much information out of his secretary. Anna asks if he saw Eyebrows kiss her and if she's tried to call him and a billion other questions and Gwyneth is like “UGHHHHH I DON'T KNOW!”

Lloyd is in a hotel somewhere and starts dialing Gwyneth's number but changes his mind and hangs up.

GOOP

The day after her near-fainting moment, Gwyneth gets Eyebrows on the phone and tells him a boring story about a dream she had about him. She then tells him about the fainting thing but is interrupted when Barb stubs her toe in the next room and starts wailing really loudly on purpose. Eyebrows covers it by saying that the people in the next room are Doing It very loudly. Gwyneth tries to go back to her story but of course Eyebrows is flipping out and not paying attention and eventually he just pretends that somebody is at the door and hangs up. Gwyneth is like “So the moral of my story is that I'm pregnant, LOL.”

At the hotel, Eyebrows bitches Barb out for screaming so much and she's like “Whatever dude, my toe fucking hurts.” He asks what exactly she's trying to do and she shouts a very long speech about how she is waiting for a train that ain't coming and that her friends were right about him and that they are totes finished. He just stands there staring at her like an idiot as per usual, but once she leaves he looks somewhat delighted.

He leaves Dorset early and meets up with Russell at the bar and excitedly tells him that he finally broke up with Barb. That's not exactly how I remember it going down, bro, but whatevs. He goes on and on about how he is super relieved to not have to be a liar and a cheat anymore and then runs out to go find Gwyneth.

Gwyneth is working at the restaurant, and overhears a lady yelling at her boyfriend for giving her spontaneous flowers, saying that he must be up to something. He gives an indignant speech very similar to Eyebrows's post-coital meltdown about the brandy glasses, all like “Oh I see, I'm not allowed to buy you flowers in a fit of romance! It must mean I'm having a sordid affair! You are such a b!”

Imagine Gwyneth's horror when she goes home and Eyebrows pops out of nowhere with champagne and a bouquet of flowers.

POOG

For some reason, Gwyneth has gone over to visit Eyebrows and talk about their relationship. She's like “I can't get the super gross image of Barb riding you out of my head, whytf did I even come here!” and he tries to stroke her hair and she's like “Don't touch me, sicko.” He insists that Barb was a mistake and that they're not together anymore. He brings up Lloyd, who he saw at the party, and Gwyneth is like “Yeah, we're not talking about that. I'm out of here.”

As one last desperate ploy, Eyebrows tells her that he's stopped writing his book because he can't write without her. He asks her to come back to him, and she is actually dumb enough to stick around while he goes to answer the phone. Of course it is Barb calling, and she tells him that she thinks she's preggers. He's like “Oh hi Russell, can't talk now, call you back later!” He runs to the bathroom and Gwyneth takes this opportunity to *69 and Barb answers “Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that.” Gwyneth is like “Oh hey, it's actually Gwyneth and you are a skank. Bye!” Eyebrows comes back and she tells him that he's a “sad, sad wanker” and leaves.

She goes back to Anna's and rants about what a douche Eyebrows is, and says that she felt like she was being unfaithful to Lloyd just by being there. She thinks she blew it because it's been a week since the party and Lloyd hasn't called.

Eyebrows goes out with Russell, who says he blames British Telecom for having too many ways to track phone calls, saying they're condemning all men to a life of boring old monogamy. Eyebrows tells him that Barb might be pregnant, and Russell is just like:

He says “Being with you makes waiting for the next episode of Seinfeld much easier to bear” which is probably the nicest thing he has ever said to Eyebrows.

GOOP

Eyebrows asks if everything is ok with Gwyneth because she's been distant ever since he got back from Dorset. She says there are a couple of things; firstly, that she has an interview for a fancy PR job and at that moment Eyebrows opens the blinds to reveal Barb standing there staring at him.

He screams “JESUS CHRIST!” and tries to pass it off as being really excited about the job thing, though he clearly doesn't give a shit. She doesn't buy it and goes to see what he was looking at, but Barb is hiding behind the wall now. Barb calls and tells him to meet her at her place the next night because they need to talk, so Eyebrows tells Gwyneth that Russell needs his help cleaning his apartment because his parents are coming to town.

He asks Gwyneth what the other thing she wanted to tell him was and she's like “Oh, nothing. Not important.”

POOG

Gwyneth is at work and calls Lloyd's office and hangs up immediately when the receptionist answers. She leaves and goes to have a milkshake at the diner Lloyd took her to and then runs into the man himself on her way back. Just now I notice for the first time that Lloyd actually has bigger eyebrows than Eyebrows. The more I think about it, the more I feel like the two dudes in this movie annexed Gwyneth's eyebrows to add to their own.

They make awkward small talk for a minute about how he just got back from his trip, and he's eventually like “I hope you don't think I was avoiding you! I wanted to call you but I was too chicken. Also, I thought you needed to work out your ex issues and didn't want to presume that I was your BF or something” and she says, and I quote, “What, you think I go to bed with all the successful oarsmen I come across?” If this movie weren't PG-13 she could have done a lot more with that joke. He gets a call about his mom and tells Gwyneth that he has to go to the hospital to hear her test results. She offers to go with him, but he says thanks but no thanks but hey, wanna come to a dinner party tonight?

She is super happy, but little does she know that Lloyd meets up with the mystery woman from before and they kiss and go into the hospital together. Oh no! More like Lloyd McDOGler!

GOOP

Gwyneth is at Anna's and they are talking about how she hasn't told Eyebrows that she's pregnant. Anna says they should celebrate with a proper drink, which is just excellent advice. Gwyneth is like “Hellz yeah! Get crunk!”

She offers Anna some brandy, but she says “Gross, that stuff makes me vom.”

POOG

Gwyneth goes to Lloyd's dinner party and they go home together and Do It again.

The next day at work, Gwynnie is doodling in her day planner and it is some seriously kindergarten-level shit:

She then flips through the pages to find the date of her last period, as one does, and it looks like it's been a little too long since the last one. Uh oh! Bitches are getting pregnant all over both universes. Did they not have condoms in 1997 or what? Geez louise.

She goes home and shows Anna, who is on the floor doing yoga while reading a magazine, her positive pregnancy test.

She goes to Lloyd's office to tell him the news and asks the receptionist if he's there. She's like “Nope, he's at the hospital with his wife. Can I take a message?” Shit just got real!

She goes to the hospital to find him and see what all this wife nonsense is about, and sees him and mystery woman together.

GOOP

At home, Gwyneth tells Eyebrows that Anna doesn't drink brandy, so she couldn't have put the glass in the laundry. He's like “Huh?” and she finally just straight-up asks if he's having an affair. He says no, which I suppose is technically true at this point, but he looks so self-satisfied that I want to slap him on her behalf.

She's like “Fine, I don't know why I even brought it up because I have to go to my interview now. It's in the evening at the apartment of the company's chairwoman which I don't find remotely suspicious. Laters!”

POOG

Lloyd calls Anna and asks if Gwyneth is there, and Anna is like “No and you are an asshole, leave her alone!” He's like “Uh... come again?” She hangs up on him so he goes over and asks what's going on. She tells him that Gwyneth saw him with his wife and slams the door in his face.

He runs around town trying to find her at their favorite milkshake diner, the bar where she got crunk that one time and Clive's restaurant before finally finding her on her favorite bridge, standing in the rain. He runs to her and says he can explain. She's like “GET THE F AWAY FROM ME YOU USELESS SHAGGING BASTARD! IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT I GOT FIRED AND CAUGHT MY BOYFRIEND IN BED WITH SOME AMERICAN HARLOT AND NOW I FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE AN ASSFACE JUST LIKE HIM! MY LIFE SUX AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” He tells her that he's technically married but he and his wife are separated and will be getting divorced soon, but due to plot contrivance and the need for a Misunderstanding, he and his wife decided not to make it official until his mom's health was better.

GOOP

Eyebrows goes to Barb's place as arranged. He tells her to leave him alone and that it's over and she can't be creeping at his windows anymore. She's like “That's nice. I'm pregnant!”

There's a knock at the door and Eyebrows goes to answer it. Surprise! It's Gwyneth, thinking she's going to her interview but actually getting ambushed by Barb! She comes in and tells Gwyneth that they'll have to postpone the interview since she's trying to decide if she's going to keep Eyebrows's baby. Is it just me or do these three really need to go on Maury?

POOG

Gwyneth asks Lloyd if he's telling her the truth and then they make out in the rain. She says there's something she has to tell him, but first she has to call Anna and tell her she's ok.

GOOP

Gwyneth runs out the door and down the stairs. Eyebrows grabs her arm and tries to stop her, and she falls down the stairs.

POOG

Lloyd calls out to Gwyneth that he loves her as she's crossing the street to a phone booth and a truck comes out of nowhere and runs her over.

Both Gwyneths are rushed to the hospital and Eyebrows and Lloyd are told by nurses that she's in rough shape and has lost her baby. They're both like “BABY?????”

In POOG-land, Lloyd sits by Gwyneth's bed and tells her how glad he is that she caught the train that day and how when she wakes up he's going to make her so happy and they will be together forever but unfortunately she dies, even though her only apparent injury is a scrape on her face.

GOOP-land Gwyneth wakes up and finds Eyebrows waiting by her bed. As she comes to, she has visions of all the places she hung out with Lloyd in her alternate life.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Lloyd gets some good news about his mom's health.

Eyebrows tells Gwyneth he'll do anything she wants, and she says “Get the fuck out and leave me alone forever, dickwad!”

She gets discharged and goes to the elevator. She gets there just in time for the door to close in her face. Not again! But when it opens again, SURPRISE! Lloyd is there. Her earring falls out and he picks it up for her once again. She looks bummed, so he says “Cheer up, you know what the Monty Python boys say” and she immediately replies “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” and they look at each other.