Obsessed

I’m going to start off by letting you know the self-sacrifice this recap will require of me. Not because the movie is so bad (I mean, it is, but that’s just a fact of life at Recapscallion), but because any time I even think about this movie, I get the song “Obessed” by Mariah Carey in my head. But it’s my own “special” version of the song. Because when that song came out, I was working at the Target Starbucks and I had to walk by the DVD section of the store on my way to and from the break room every day, and for a long time they had a prominent display of a movie called “Robsessed,” all about people being obsessed with Robert Pattinson, I guess. So basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that I feel compelled to sing “Why are you Robsessed with me?” whenever I think of this movie. Out loud. Not Yentl-style thought-singing.

Also, this movie is terrible.

Or as I like to call it, “Bitches Be Crazy”

A happy pop song plays while Beyoncé and Idris Elba pull into the driveway of a lovely suburban house. There is a “For Sale” sign in the yard with a giant “SOLD” sticker slapped on the front, which Beyoncé promptly takes down. Except, she doesn’t actually take it down. She just removes the sign from its frame, leaving an ugly, empty metal frame stuck in her brand new lawn. Some homemaker she’s going to be!

Once inside, they leave their super cute son sleeping in his stroller DIRECTLY in front of the fireplace, where they are BURNING THE “FOR SALE” SIGN. Holy moly, this movie is already incredible.

Beyoncé and Idris wander around the empty house, looking very satisfied. And, fair enough, the house is enormous and beautiful. But maybe get your son away from the toxic fumes?

As they’re wandering around the house, they keep doing things that make no sense. Like, Beyoncé waves at Idris seductively as she walks into the next room, in a manner that suggests that she’s heading into a bedroom. But nope, it’s just the kitchen. And when she turns another corner, she sees her husband randomly striking a pose in a doorway.

I already identify with this couple so much! They are just like you and me!

Eventually they make their way up to the attic, which is surprisingly grody looking. There’s a wooden plank extending into what looks like a sea of filthy insulation. Beyoncé ventures onto it, but Idris pulls her back, and demonstrates how flimsy it is. Do you think this might become important later? I mean, we all know about Chekov’s Shoddy Attic Construction.

If you thought that the previous scene demonstrated that Idris has a good sense of home safety, you can forget about that, because he then gives Beyoncé a running piggyback ride down the narrow attic stairs. I have to say, it’s really impressive that we’re only three minutes into the movie and there hasn’t been a single line of dialogue yet, but they’ve already managed to illustrate precisely how ridic these main characters are.

Finally, they make it into the bedroom, where Beyoncé immediately declares that she’s going to take down the mirrors on the ceiling. Not because she has a problem with the concept of mirrors on the ceiling, but because they’re ugly. But if you ask me, aside from the creepy associations that automatically spring to mind with ceiling mirrors, I just know that if I had them I would wake up in the middle of the night and scare the shit out of myself. But whatevs.

Idris is all “Ohhhh, but Beyoncé, you look so beautiful in the mirrors, so they can’t be ugly! We have a perfect marriage!” He then kindly requests that she help him kill two birds with one BONE by testing out the mirrors and “christening” the house, right there on their plush carpet. Beyoncé protests for a while about how the movers are coming and Idris is going to be late to work. Eventually, she also remembers that they have a child sitting in front of a roaring fire downstairs, but Idris says “He’ll be all right. That boy will sleep through anything.”

After presumably making sweet, mirror-y love to his wife and (we can only hope) checking on his son, Idris heads off to work, leaving Beyoncé to deal with the movers by herself. There is a very long and unnecessary shot of movers putting down a glass-topped table directly underneath a chandelier while Beyoncé looks on with a concerned face.

So much foreshadowing! I would say sorry for the spoilers, but it’s like the movie is trying extra hard to spoil itself for you.

Idris arrives at the office and stands at the back of a crowded elevator. Literally everybody gets off of the elevator on the same floor except him and a foxy blonde (Ali Larter). After he awkwardly glances at her a couple of times, she asks if he works at Gage Bendix. He says yes, and she tells him she’s temping there. They make slightly flirty small talk about how she doesn’t look like a temp, and then she drops her shit all over the floor. He helps her pick it up, and she accidentally brushes hands with him. BUT WAS IT AN ACCIDENT???

They get off the elevator, and she says she’s looking for someone named Mr. Charles, and asks if Idris knows him. He tells her that Mr. Charles is an asshole who’s way too full of himself, but shhhh, it’s a secret!

When he reaches his office, his assistant asks how the move is going. Idris tells him that he escaped just when the movers arrived, and that if Beyoncé calls in mad, he should tell her that he’s in a meeting. The assistant is like “Dude! Beyoncé used to be your assistant! She’ll totes know that I’m lying because of her secret assistant lie-detecting telepathy!”

This guy, Patrick, is probably the worst character in the whole movie, which is really saying a lot considering he only has a handful of lines. He’s like a clueless straight white dude’s idea of what an enlightened portrayal of the “sassy gay” would be. Totally tone deaf. Our first glimpse of this comes when our foxy elevator seductress strolls up and discovers that Idris is the very Mr. Charles that he declared an asshole 45 seconds ago. What a card! She is super obvious about having the hots for him, so Patrick says, “Watch out, girl. He’s married.” She says that all the best ones are married, and he simpers “Or straight!”

Later, Idris is in a very important meeting with some stodgy middle-aged white dude and Jerry O’Connell. They have a poorly-scripted conversation about some German guy they’re doing business with. Now, I don’t claim to know shit about shit when it comes to financial thingies and the stock market, but something tells me that it’s a little weird to say “He doesn’t like the way the stock market’s gyrating.” But feel free to correct me. Anyhow, this scene is just here to show that Idris is SO good at his job. He apparently convinced the grumpy, anti-gyration German to do something or other that results in them getting a lot of money. Good job Idris. High fives all around.

While Jerry O’Connell is in the middle of declaring how much he loves working with Idris, the stuffy older guy spots the new temp walking down the hall outside and interrupts them to say in a really pervy tone, “Oooh, whose legs are those?” My immediate reaction to this line was to imagine a pair of severed legs laying on the ground, and to then burst out into hysterical laughter. But that might just be the wine. So Idris explains that the legs belong to a human woman, who is a new temp. To which Jerry O’Connell replies:

OMFG, we’re only eight minutes in and I already want to vom so hard. Stodgy McStodgerson goes on and on about how much he likes having a pretty girl around the office, and he’s so glad to have somebody new since Idris took their last eye candy off the market when he married Beyoncé.

At the end of the day, Jerry O’Connell tries to get Idris to go to a Lakers game with him, but Idris is like “This is my first day in my new house with my wife and child, so I should probably go home because I am a perfect husband.” He’s just about to get on the elevator when the office temp(tress) says bye to him, and calls him out on tricking her earlier. Her exact words are: “You punked me!” She tells him that far from being an asshole, he is beloved by everybody in the office, and he demurs a bit while still looking a little smug. She shakes his hand and says “I’m Lisa, by the way,” to which he replies, “Hey, Lisa By The Way.” This writing… I swear to God. The LOL to vom ratio is about even.

Idris leaves, and ominous music starts up as Lisa looks up some info about him on the company website.

GASP! Do you think she might become obsessed with him? Nah, probably not.

Back at home, Idris is revolted to discover that his son needs a diaper change. He calls out to Beyoncé to take care of it, but she isn’t having any of it and tells him it’s his turn. He says “No, I think it’s your turn!” Because, you know, the baby probably didn’t need a change at any point while he was at work. They only go like twice a day, right?

After performing the hugely emasculating act of changing his child’s diaper, Idris pops a bottle of champagne and brings it to Beyoncé, who is unpacking. I would be super pissed if I was her, because he spills that shit all over the floor. She is just charmed, though, and they drink the champagne out of teacups and snuggle because they have the perfect marriage.

The next day at work, Lisa is still there, but is now sitting at Patrick’s desk. Idris repeats the horrendous “Lisa By The Way” joke when he says hello to her, and then asks where Patrick is. Lisa explains that he has the flu, and she did some fancy footwork to get assigned to his desk. A slight “oh shit” look begins to glimmer in his eyes, but he brushes it off.

They sit down in his office, and she gives him a memo for the company Christmas party. She asks why spouses aren’t allowed at the party, and Idris explains that it’s Stodgy McStodgerson’s rule because how on earth can you kick back and have a good time at the party if your WIFE is there? Men gotta be men.

It’s time to get down to business, and Idris starts to tell Lisa about the most important thing he always does right away on Monday morning, which is to send flowers to Beyoncé. What a man! Lisa interrupts to say she already took care of it, and asks how long they’ve been married. He says three years, and Lisa is all “OMG Idris, she’s soooo lucky that after three years you still send her flowers. You must have a perfect marriage. Patrick told me you started dating when she was your assistant!” Idris senses that he is entering the danger zone, and changes the subject to boring things like lunch meetings with clients. He is so impressed with how efficient she is, and says that most temps are lazy and slow. She says she’s not the typical temp, and makes eyes at him for a while.

Later on, Beyoncé calls to say that their two-year-old son was flirting with the checkout girl at the grocery store, giving her the same look Idris gives when he sees a pretty girl. Then she starts talking about how she’s going to sign up for college classes and it’s so totally boring that he just starts peeking out his blinds to see if Lisa is there. She’s not at her desk, but she creepily pops up right in front of his window and catches him in the act of creeping.

At home, Beyoncé continues to bore Idris with her college talk. He’s like “That’s very interesting, but I was hoping that you liked being a mother enough that you would just stay home all the time and raise our son because that’s what ladies do.” She’s like “Um, nope. I like being a mom and all, but I have goals and shit.” Idris whines that he doesn’t want Kyle to be an only child and Beyoncé is just like “Whatever, we’ll get him a dog. Same diff.”

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give you a screen cap of shirtless Idris Elba in this scene:

Anyway, they’re about to go to sleep when Beyoncé asks why he didn’t call her back earlier. She says she left a message for him at work, and he’s like “Oh, my new dumb temp told me that someone called but she got your name wrong. What a dummy!” Beyoncé is pissed because apparently they have an agreement that he can’t have any female assistants, because of how men can’t keep it in their pants and he has a bad history of hooking up with his employees. She asks if Lisa is pretty, and Idris says no. If he was wearing pants right now, they would SO be on fire. Beyoncé says that she wants Lisa fired immediately, no joke.

The next day Beyoncé comes to visit the office, and she is horrified to see that not only is Lisa not an uggo, but she also didn’t get fired just because she has jealousy issues! But of course, Lisa is a real weirdsmobile, so you can’t judge Beyoncé too harshly. For example, the baby is there, and Lisa says she can already tell he’s going to be a heartbreaker. Stop hitting on the baby! This isn’t Benjamin Button.

So Lisa just keeps going on and on about how Kyle is sooo handsome just like his dad, and Beyoncé gives a great “Are you fucking kidding me?” chuckle. She and Lisa have one of those classic catty conversations where they just slyly diss each other and try to stake their claim on Idris. Women.

When Lisa leaves, Beyoncé chews him out about how he lied about her being ugly. Idris is like “It doesn’t matter! I only have eyes for you!” Come on, man. We’ve all seen that episode of Buffy and it ends in murder-suicide.

Later on, Lisa snoops around Idris’s office and finds some CDs. She sees he has one by a band called “Crudo.” I can’t be bothered to figure out if they’re a real band or not, but I hope not. Could you imagine thinking that your band has finally gotten their big break, being featured in a movie starring Beyoncé, and then it turns out to be this nightmare?

Idris returns to work the next day to find that Patrick is back. He’s feeling well enough now to make a sassy comment about how there’s no way he’s going to miss the Christmas party. Then, SURPRISE! Lisa is still here for some reason! Somebody else called in sick, apparently, having caught the flu from Patrick. Real quote:

Idris says, “All right, girls. Behave yourselves out here.” VOM.COM!

Lisa and Patrick are BFFs now, and they chitchat about how much they love listening in on Idris’s phone calls and general office gossip. Lisa butters him up by saying he probably knows more about the office than anyone, and then asks if he wants to get together after work for a little “girl talk.” Normally I love comedically paraphrasing dialogue, but everything Patrick says just has to be repeated verbatim: “If you think you can pump me for information with a couple of cosmos… [long pause] YOU’RE RIGHT!”

Idris walks into the kitchen later to find Lisa sitting there crying. She’s all “Ohhhh I’m so sorry! I didn’t think anybody would be in this public space! I’m not crying! It’s just allergies!” He asks what she’s allergic to, and she says “Men.” He feeds her some stock lines about not having met the right guy yet, and she’s like “I’m so jealous of Beyoncé! She has everything! The perfect husband, perfect child, perfect marriage!” We get it, Obsessed! They have the perfect marriage! It has been established! But Idris says that nothing is perfect (probably thinking of how his wife would rather go to college than be a good mother). Anyway, he continues with the meaningless platitudes and, around the time he gets to “Any guy would be lucky to have you” territory, he makes the FATAL ERROR of saying “If I was single...”

Just when I had managed to forget that he exists, Jerry O’Connell waltzes into the kitchen with his shit-eating grin firmly in place. Lisa leaves, and he asks Idris what was going on. Idris tells him that her boyfriend just dumped her and Jerry O’Connell is like “Sweet booyah! She has a hot ass! I’m disgusting!” He tells Idris that though he would love to give Lisa the business, he thinks she would rather get some hot Mr. Charles action. He then says some completely ridiculous thing about single women seeing the workplace as a hunting ground, and Lisa has Idris in her crosshairs. If only he knew how literal this would end up being!

Idris goes back to his desk to find a note from Lisa, thanking him for comforting her. She included a CD, which he pops into his computer only to discover that it’s by his favorite band, Crudo! He gets an instant message from her immediately, and they have the most amazing conversation.

The night of the Christmas party, Idris asks Beyoncé which tie he should wear, but then blatantly goes against her advice. Trouble in paradise! She pointedly reminds him that last time he got drunk at an office party, Kyle was conceived, but he’s just like “Whatevs.”

He stops at some weirdly fancy bar/burger restaurant before the party, and of course Lisa, queen of creepers, is there. They eat burgers together, and she pressures him into having a martini even after he says he doesn’t want one. No means no! The bartender asks how dirty they want the martinis, and Lisa says to make them “filthy.” Ughhhhh. This movie!

They eventually make it to the party, and it looks like SO much fun. Everybody’s drinking, the ladies are dancing, and “Play That Funky Music” is playing in the background. It’s no Crudo, but it seems to be doing the trick. Lisa gazes longingly at Idris from across the room while he dances with some middle aged lady. Eventually she cuts in (I accidentally typed that as “Eventually she cuts him” at first, which is something that is equally likely to happen in this movie), and offers him a glass with a shot’s worth of tequila in it. He says no, but relents when she calls him a coward because apparently he never saw any after school specials about peer pressure growing up.

They keep dancing, and while spouting some bullshit about how she wasn’t sure she was going to come to the party, and asking if he’s glad she did, she manages to maneuver them under some mistletoe. She tries to convince him to kiss her, claiming that if they don’t kiss then people will think there’s something going on. But Idris is the perfect husband, so he says no anyway and starts to leave.

Of course Jerry O’Connell tries to stop him by pointing out that a female coworker who gave them lapdances last year is there. He then shouts to the woman that Idris has singles. This company obviously doesn’t have an HR department.

Idris makes a pit stop in the restroom on his way out, so obviously Lisa follows him in, carrying mistletoe that she rubs on his head “seductively.” She shoves him into a stall, and he says “stop” about fifty times. Some goon walks in singing “Jingle Bells” and giggling when he sees two pairs of feet under the stall door. While Lisa continues to try to force herself on Idris, this guy actually tries to peek into the stall and asks who’s there with this super creepy look on his face:

It just keeps getting worse from here. The guy bends down to try to look UNDER the stall door, and sees that Lisa has dropped to her knees. He chuckles pervily, assuming that somebody is getting serviced in there, and finally eventually leaves. Despite the fact that Idris is very obviously not into it, Lisa starts grinding up against him and pulling on his tie. He finally shoves her away and leaves. Patrick sees him going, and then sees Lisa emerge looking disheveled. He draws conclusions, and congratulates Lisa on living dangerously.

After drunk-driving home (the PERFECT man), Idris pays a visit to Kyle’s room and then climbs into bed with Beyoncé. She wakes up and asks how the party was, and he lies when she asks if anything interesting happened.

The next day at work, Lisa acts like nothing happened. She actually has normal businesslike conversations with him, and generally acts like a professional. So we know that we’re in for an explosion of crazy any minute now.

At the end of the day, Idris gets into his car, and Lisa immediately pops up out of nowhere and climbs into the passenger seat. She says she owes him an apology, but she has the crazy eyes. He tries to brush it off, saying that they were both drinking and should just forget about it. But Lisa says she can’t stop thinking about last night. He tells her that nothing happened, and she’s like “LOL yeah right. ‘Nothing happened.’” Crazy explosion in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….

He tells her to get out of the car, but she’s just like “What’s the matter, loverboy? Did I do something wrong? I don’t understand!” He finally drops the nice-guy stuff and basically tells her that she’s either stupid or crazy, but either way, she needs to leave. She’s like “OMG, you ARE an asshole!” and he drives away.

When he gets home, he decides he needs to tell Beyoncé everything, but before he can say anything, she tells him that she just found out that her sister’s husband is leaving her for a coworker. Wah wah. Idris assures her that he would never cheat on her, and declares her brother-in-law an asshole. Beyoncé asks what he was going to tell her, but he decides maybe it’s not such a great idea right now.

He does tell Jerry O’Connell about it at work the next day, and he’s just like “LOL that’s hilarious, man!” Idris says he’s going to report Lisa to HR, but Jerry O’Connell says that she’ll probably just say that he came onto her, and since he has gotten involved with at least one lady in the office in the past, they’ll probably believe her.

Idris ignores this advice and goes to HR anyway. I am not surprised to learn that the HR person is a dude. Anyway, he starts to tell him about it, but the guy says not to bother, because Lisa isn’t coming back. Phew!

Everything seems to be back to normal. Idris is still killing it at work, and he has a perfect Christmas with his perfect family.

Unfortunately, the crazy train has not stopped yet. When he and Beyoncé get home from a New Year’s party, his laptop beeps at him. When he opens his new email, a hilarious picture of Lisa starts popping up all over his screen. But like, it’s just a weird picture. She’s not even slightly naked! I expect better (worse) of her.

He only just manages to close all of the screens before Beyoncé comes up behind him.

At the office the next day, he emails Lisa telling her to leave him alone. Do not engage with the crazy! That’s like page one of the stalkee handbook. After a few seconds, she responds with a picture of a giant blue smiley face. There is then an amazing moment where some really menacing music plays in the background and it slowly zooms in on the smiley face, which then WINKS.

While we’re left to try to recover from this chilling moment, we go back to Idris’s house, where Beyoncé is helping him pack for a work retreat. They make some disparaging comments about how Jerry O’Connell is a boozehound, and then he kisses her goodbye.

The work retreat is super professional, as you would expect. Idris, Jerry O’Connell, Stodgy McStodgerson and some random other guy sit around drinking and talking about getting lapdances. They do a group poll of who wants to see some “hot oily breasts being jammed into their faces,” which, like, I’m not into chicks so maybe I’m wrong, but that sounds horrifying. Everybody raises their hand except for Idris, who opts out because he is married, and “doesn’t have to pay for it.” This beautiful show of fidelity is interrupted when a waitress gives him a dirty martini, courtesy of the lady at the bar.

And who is the lady at the bar? Lisa, of course! And she’s wearing a very sultry, backless red dress.

Idris gets up to call Beyoncé to say goodnight, and when he wanders away, Lisa emerges from the darkness. He hangs up, and she asks if he was talking to Beyoncé. She says she can tell, because of the pained look on his face. Hate to break it to you, sister, but I think he’s just reacting to the whiff of nutjob that follows you around.

She once again plays dumb, pretending to be surprised that he’s not happy to see her. She says that she quit so they could be together, because he told her he wouldn’t jeopardize his job for her. He spells it out for her once again, stating unequivocally that they will never be together, but she chooses not to understand him.

She’s just like “LOL, I get it. You’re just worried about what your coworkers would think.” Have you met them, Lisa? They would just high-five him. Anyway, when he looks back over at his table, she puts something in his drink and tells him to meet her later in her room.

We get a long shot of Idris and Jerry O’Connell walking back to their rooms, shot in “roofie cam” with blurred edges and echo-y voices. When Idris finally makes it to his room, he collapses on the bed and Lisa emerges from his bathroom and begins sexually assaulting him.

But don't worry! Idris will not remember it and it will never be mentioned again. For realsies.

The next morning, he stumbles into a work meeting with a massive roofie hangover. A man comes in halfway through the meeting and tells Idris that his wife is there. But of course, it’s actually Lisa, wanting to know if he wants to go to lunch.

He doesn’t remember what happened last night, on account of the date rape drugs, and Lisa is like “Last night was perfect! Don’t cause a scene!” when he tells her to go away.

He then decides that the best course of action would be to drag her into the meeting and force her to tell everybody about her crazy shenanigans. Good plan? She goes on a rant about how he knew what he was getting into from the start, and a bunch of nutty mumbo jumbo, and then heads toward the conference room. He suddenly changes his mind, apparently realizing that it was the worst idea ever, and pulls her back. He tells her for the millionth time that nothing is going on between them, and goes back in.

That night, he heads back to his room, and at this point I would have been more surprised if Lisa WASN’T lying in his bed with an empty pill bottle in her hand. The paramedics come and wheel her out of there, past an aghast Jerry O’Connell and Stodgy McStodgerson.

Later on, Jerry O’Connell is woken up by a call from Beyoncé, wondering why Idris hasn’t called her. He tells her that there was an incident, and Beyoncé is like “Huh? What?” He says that Idris will need to tell her about it himself. So she rushes to meet him at the hospital. Before he can explain things to her, a police detective arrives and has some questions for Idris.

He tells her about how Lisa came on to him at the Christmas party and flashed him in the parking garage and crashed the company retreat, and Ms. Detective is like “And she just imagined that you had an affair? And magically ended up trying to kill herself while naked in your bed?” Beyoncé is like “Um… WHAT?” Idris roundly denies any wrongdoing, but Ms. Detective totally doesn’t believe him. It doesn’t help that when Lisa woke up after getting her stomach pumped, she listed Idris as her emergency contact.

Beyoncé and Idris have a very awkward car ride home. When they get back, she does some shouting and dish throwing about how she doesn’t know who he is anymore, etc. Idris insists that Lisa is sick and nothing happened, but she doesn’t believe him, and kicks him out of the house. He asks where he should go, and she says “To hell. But until then, I’d suggest maybe the Four Seasons.” Good one, B!

Back at the hospital, Ms. Detective comes to ask Lisa some questions. But all Lisa wants to do is ask if Idris is ok and when can she see him? Ms. Detective is like “Uh, hate to break it to you, but he doesn’t want to see you.” Lisa is so confused, because if Idris doesn’t want to see her, why did he send this beautiful floral arrangement sitting at the edge of her bed? The note on the flowers totally sounds like Idris.

This sets off an alarm bell in Ms. Detective’s head, and she asks Lisa to tell her what happened at the hotel. Lisa’s story is that Idris asked her to meet him at the hotel and they had some grownup fun. And the next day he told her that Beyoncé refused to get a divorce, so they couldn’t be together anymore. And when you can’t be with the perfect man, all you can do is take a bunch of pills, because life isn’t worth living, duh-doy! But she realizes now that the only reason Idris tried to break it off with her was because he was thinking of the welfare of his son.

Ms. Detective asks Lisa if she really believes that Idris loves her, and she spews some nonsense about how they are in true love, and she feels bad for Beyoncé and hopes she doesn’t do anything stupid.

Meanwhile, Idris is getting chewed out by Stodgy McStodgerson, who says that any “whiff of impropriety” could damage the company. Um, ok, Mr. I Want Hot Oily Breasts In My Face. Idris insists that he didn’t do anything, and that he was the one who was sexually harassed. Stodgers goes all bro code on him, saying that they’ll stand behind him unless evidence comes out proving that he’s guilty. But unfortunately, he’s going to need Idris to take some time off, and his big important German client is going to be given to Jerry O’Connell. Idris is devastated.

Ms. Detective swings by the office to ask Idris about the flowers, and to show him Lisa’s diary, which is apparently all about their affair and how he promised to divorce Beyoncé etc etc. She says that she got the impression from the diary that Idris is “quite the accomplished lover.” Idris is just like “I’ve had enough white women hitting on me for one movie. And btw, the diary is bullshit.” Ms. Detective intimates that she doesn’t totally believe what Lisa wrote either. He wants to file a restraining order against her, but she tells him it’s not necessary because Lisa’s sister took her back to San Francisco.

So it seems that the nightmare is over for Idris, but Beyoncé hasn’t forgiven him yet. So he continues living at a hotel, and has playdates with Kyle every once in a while. Apparently Beyoncé hired a nanny to pick up the slack, and she is played by the girl who played Dean’s obnoxious little sister, Clara, on Gilmore Girls.

There’s a montage suggesting that Beyoncé and Idris spend a lot of time wistfully looking out windows and reminiscing about their perfect marriage, so it’s no big surprise that Idris eventually puts his foot down and insists that she go to dinner with him on his birthday.

At dinner, he tells her that he misses her and he loves her and he’ll do whatever she wants if she’ll give him another chance. Blah blah blah.

Back at the house, Nanny Clara is simultaneously watching TV and listening to her iPod. Which, you know… I wish this was the most absurd thing that happens in this movie. But anyway, the doorbell rings and OH MY GOD! It’s Lisa! I thought she was in San Francisco and the rest of this movie was going to be all about Idris and Beyoncé becoming the perfect couple again :(

Lisa introduces herself as Beyoncé’s friend Kate, just stopping in with a gift for Kyle. Nanny Clara is like “Um, what? She’s not here. No, you can’t go upstairs and give that present to Kyle. WTF is your deal?” Lisa is all “Oh, why don’t I call Beyoncé so you know it’s ok?” But then she just has a fake conversation and Nanny Clara doesn’t even bother to ask to talk to Beyoncé herself.

While Idris and Beyoncé talk about how they miss each other at the restaurant, Lisa creepily takes Kyle out of his crib and sits with him in the dark. Kyle is just like “Whatevs.”

Eventually, Idris wears Beyoncé down by saying he’ll never lie to her again, and she gives him his birthday present: a key to the house. Thank god! I almost didn’t believe in love anymore!

Lisa finally leaves the house, and Nanny Clara doesn’t even look up from her phone to show her out. So it’s no surprise that when the happy couple get home, Kyle is gone. Clara is sooooo gonna be fired.

Idris runs around the backyard calling out for Kyle, like maybe he’s just hiding in the bushes. He then gets in the car, mumbling about how Lisa couldn’t have gotten far, but when he looks in the backseat he sees Kyle sitting there with a big red lipstick mark on his forehead. www.creepy.com

They take him to the hospital just in case, because with Lisa you really never know, and Ms. Detective is there. She says “LOL, my bad. Guess she’s not in San Francisco! I promise I’ll find her.” Beyoncé is just like “Yeah, well, you’d better, because if you don’t do something about her, I will!” Ohhh, snap.

When they get back to the house, they find that Lisa has basically destroyed their bedroom. She also left a family picture lying on the bed, with Beyoncé’s face cut out! Guess she didn’t have time to put her own face in there, so I’ll help her out.

In the morning, they have a new security system installed, but just for good measure Beyoncé leaves Lisa a very angry voicemail that ends in “You think you’re crazy? I’ll show you crazy. Just try me, bitch!” For a minute, I thought she was quoting “Womanizer” by Britney Spears, but alas.

I’d like to point out that at this point in the movie, my DVD player actually stopped working, as though it couldn’t bear to force me to watch the rest. This is also the part where I admit that I actually own this movie on DVD. It is, in fact, the only movie I’ve ever bought with the explicit intention of recapping it. It took me a long time to finally get around to it, though, because it’s so bad, but after the one-two punch of The Holiday and Leap Year, nothing really scares me anymore.

Even with the new security system, Idris is having trouble sleeping and has to constantly check on Kyle and Beyoncé during the night. He is scared when he sees a car pull up in front of the house, but it’s just a police car. But he can sense that some bad shit is going to go down before long.

One morning, Idris is headed off to work. He and Beyoncé discuss their travel plans. Kyle is at her sister’s house, and she’ll be going there this afternoon with Idris following the next morning.

At the office, our old friend Patrick gets a call from Lisa. Apparently he was unfazed by all of the shit that went down between her and Idris, because he’s basically just like “Hey girl! So glad to hear from you! I shouldn’t really be talking to you, but whatevs!” She tells him that Idris and Beyoncé are getting divorced, and Patrick is a moron and is like “If they were getting divorced, why would they be going to San Diego for her parents’ anniversary party? Let me give you their entire itinerary!” He’s sooo bummed when she immediately hangs up.

Beyoncé is preparing to leave for the party and forgets to set the house alarm. Lisa was apparently waiting in the bushes because she immediately breaks in. Beyoncé realizes her mistake after two minutes of driving and turns back. Meanwhile, Lisa is dancing around the bedroom in slow motion holding a bottle of champagne and a couple of glasses, presumably setting up a romantic surprise for Idris when he gets home since she thinks Beyoncé is gone. She lays rose petals on the bed and puts on one of Idris’s shirts.

When Beyoncé gets back, she hears Lisa popping the champagne bottle and goes to check it out. She finds Lisa lying in their bed and is like “Didn’t you get my message?” Lisa is just like “I’m sooo sorry you had to find out about me and Idris this way. It must have sucked seeing him fall out of love with you!”

I have to say one of this movie’s main weaknesses (let’s get real, the whole movie is a weakness, but whatever) is that it’s really not clear if Lisa is just a diabolical bitch or if she’s actually completely deluded. Because most of the time she seems perfectly lucid, but I think we’re supposed to believe that she actually believes her own bullshit? And this results in a huge percentage of the movie being taken up by Lisa having the same infuriating conversations with people over and over (“Idris and I are in love!” “No you’re not!” “Yes we are!” “No you aren’t!” “Yes we are, what are you, stupid?”).

So. It’s finally come to the final confrontation. Beyoncé says she’s going to call the cops, and Lisa is like “Let’s just talk about it!” But when she grabs Beyoncé’s arm, she gets thrown to the ground. And now it’s a full-on girlfight. Lisa comes at Beyoncé with a lamp, and Beyoncé tries to hide in the bathroom. Idris tries to call the house and Lisa answers for some stupid reason. Beyoncé headbutts her, takes the phone and says “I’ll call you back.” She’s ready to take care of business.

She grabs Lisa by the leg and drags her down the hallway saying “I’m going to wipe the floor with your skinny ass.” Then Lisa regains the upperhand and tries to simultaneously choke Beyoncé and throw her over the railing. Then they both fall down the stairs together, and we get some gratuitous Ali Larter ass shots (she’s ONLY wearing Idris’s oversized t-shirt).

Lisa runs away and Beyoncé can’t find her. She eventually sees that the door to the attic is open, and follows her up. Lisa sneaks up behind her and starts whacking her with a wooden plank. They shove each other around for a while, until Beyoncé ends up on that rickety floorboard that Idris saved her from at the beginning of the movie. Lisa is still swinging the wooden plank at her, so she backs up to stand on some thin beams sticking out into the insulation ocean. She has great balance, considering that she’s wearing really high-heeled boots. She eggs Lisa on, trying to get her to come closer, before finally flipping her over her head so she falls through the floor.

Lisa manages to hang on to the edges of the hole, and Beyoncé offers her a hand to pull her back up because at the end of the day, she’s just not all that murder-y. But when Lisa tries to pull Beyoncé down with her, she’s like “Fuck this shit” and lets her go. She falls into the chandelier, which starts to come loose.

Lisa is knocked off and falls onto the glass-topped table, but she’s still kicking, and still has the crazy murder eyes. Luckily for Beyoncé, the chandelier falls on top of her and she dies.

Just as Ms. Detective arrives at the house, having been called by Idris, Beyoncé comes staggering out onto the lawn. She asks what happened, and Beyoncé just says “I think you know what happened.” Apparently this is an acceptable official statement to the police, because Ms. Detective just heads into the house.

Idris pulls up shortly after, and some romantic music starts up while they hug, so relieved that they can finally resume their perfect life, with only a little bit of crazy blood on their hands.