The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

Hello, everybody! Are you ready to go on a magical journey of love, friendship and pants? Today I bring you The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Why do the sequel and not the original, you ask? Well, the short answer is that when I started working on this one, I only owned the second one on DVD (though now of course, thanks to a “Girls’ Night” DVD four-pack, I have both). The long answer is that I find it hard to watch the first one because one of the characters is so annoying, and also the second one has more hot dudes in it. So there.

In case you’ve been living under a rock and have never seen the first Traveling Pants, here’s a brief recap:

Serena van der Woodsen’s mom killed herself fairly recently. But unfortunately there’s only so much slack that can be cut for somebody who spends an entire movie acting like an asshole at soccer camp. She spends most of the movie trying to seduce her counselor, and when she finally succeeds she feels bad about it afterwards.

Ugly Betty is pissed that her dad is getting remarried, and also has trouble fitting in with the super WASPy family he’s marrying into. She throws a temper tantrum but eventually has a heart to heart with her dad and attends the wedding.

Joan of Arcadia has to work at a grocery store but luckily befriends a precocious kid and is making a movie about something, possibly the improbably named Brian McBrian who plays arcade games or something.  The precocious kid dies, as precocious kids in movies are wont to do.

Rory Gilmore is shy and somehow or other falls in love with some Greek hottie while visiting family even though she is the shiest shyster from Shytown. She also likes to draw.

And now, the main event!

The opening credits helpfully illustrate what has happened to the girls since the first movie, by slowly panning over the eponymous pants, which have now been defaced by notes written in pen and ugly patches a-plenty. 

Bridget: “Soccer Forever Brown”

Carmen: “Carmen Goes --> Yale”

Tibby: “Film Summer”

Lena: “R.I.S.D. art for life! life for art!”

Anyway, Ugly Betty narrates that they have been BFFs forever and shared everything. Including magical miracle pants that fit them all, which “had come into their lives for a reason.”  A montage shows us that they spent their summers Fed-Exing the pants to each other as a way to keep in touch as they went around having adventures on their own. The pants are now the ugliest piece of clothing I’ve ever seen, BTW.

There’s a quick recap of what has happened since the last movie. Instead of being some chump at soccer camp, Serena van der Woodsen became a soccer camp counselor. Rory Gilmore made out with her hunky boyfriend on the edges of cliffs in Greece. Joan of Arcadia continued to be sad about her precocious child friend dying, but on the bright side, Brian McBrian became hot and they started dating. Betty’s mom got remarried, and presumably Betty did not throw a hissy fit like she did over her dad’s wedding in the last movie. Then they all graduated high school.

Betty then explains what is happening with everybody now (Joan is studying film at NYU, Serena made the soccer team at Brown (yeah right), and Rory is studying art at RISD), and I’m like “Bitch, please. I read the pants. Let’s move on.” She whines that her friends made everything look SO EASY and her life as a Yale student is SO HARD because she doesn’t know what she wants to do/doesn’t fit in. Especially because her mom got knocked up which clearly means she has no place in the world.

“Maybe the pants had done just about all a pair of pants can do,” she laments.

Cut to Greece, where Rory is at her grandpa’s funeral. She sees her Greek hottie, Kostos, and is making with the wistful faces before finally going to say hi. He’s like “LOL, Rory, remember how you dumped me? This is my pregnant wife. IN YOUR FACE!!! P.S. RIP, your grandpa.”

Joan tells Betty about it on the phone and Betty is like “Huh that’s weird. WHYTF DIDN’T SHE CALL ME AND TELL ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR FRIENDSHIP!?!?!?!?!??!??!??!?!?!? NOBODY EVERY CALLS MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111”

Joan is like “Oh that’s interes- OMG, they’re hiring at this video store! Laters!”

Betty is some kind of stagehand at Yale drama productions and she’s friends with that green chick from Star Trek who is the STAR ACTRESS. She will henceforth be known as Star Wreck. She babbles for a while about how great it is to perform to a full house, and then spends some time whining about how her mom never comes to see her act. She mentions that she’ll be going to a super prestigious high-class acting camp in Vermont over the summer, and then mentions that they always need people helping backstage, and she can get Betty the hookup if she feels like spending her summer basically being a servant. Betty is like “PASS. My mom is preggers and my friends would be SO MAD if I didn’t spend the summer with them because we are so close and they love me.”

Serena gets home from Brown early and is hoping to spend some quality time with her dad (played by her IRL dad WOAH) but unfortunately they have a Strained Relationship.  Awkward silences abound!

Betty comes home from Yale and sees that all of her stuff is packed up. She’s like “MOM WHYTF ARE ALL OF MY BELONGINGS IN BOXES?!?!?!?” and her mom is like “Duh, we’re moving and even though I’m super pregnant I did all of this hard annoying work for you” and Betty is like “Ugh, what a bitch.”

The time has come for the yearly Pants Ritual. Betty is so excited to see her friends, but soon learns that everybody has plans for the summer. Joan has to go to summer school because of some convoluted reason, Serena is going on an archaeology adventure in Turkey because this is a movie, and Rory is taking a summer figure painting class in Rhode Island.

They perform their weird-ass ritual, but Joan belittles the chanting and praying part and Betty is like “DO THE PANTS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU PEOPLE???!?!?” She is soooo mad that she’s the only loser staying at home for the summer.

The next day, Rory is packing for Rhode Island, which doesn’t really make sense because presumably she was at school and just came home for the pants thing before going back for her class. But whatever. Her little sister begs Rory to bring her to school with her because it’s going to be sooooo boring staying at home. Little Sis is played by Robin Scherbatsky’s little sister from that one episode of HIMYM (and she’s also one of the main characters on Pretty Little Liars, but whatever, I’ve never watched that… surprising, I know). Little Sis is like “WHAT HAPPENS IF I SEE YOUR HUNKY EX KOSTOS WHEN I GO TO GREECE IN AUGUST?” Rory is like, “I don’t care!!! Can we please stop talking about this?” Later, she stares at a picture she drew of Kostos and makes a frowny face. I would make a frowny face too if I were an art student and this was the best I could do:

Meanwhile, Serena is getting something out of the garage when she finds a convenient box of letters… all addressed to her! They’re all from her grandma, and her dad has been hiding them from her in this super secret location. She’s like “OMGWTF DAD. HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME MY GRANDMA SENT ME LETTERS ALL THESE YEARS????????” Her dad says he was just trying to protect her, but she BURNS him by saying she’s been taking care of herself for years.

Betty has decided to go to Vermont after all because all of her friends are ditching her, even though her mom is still pregnant and her family is moving and could probably use her help. If you can’t tell already, Betty is a selfish pain in the ass.

Kyle MacLachlan, who I will never think of again without picturing him as the mayor of Portland, sitting on an exercise ball, is the BRILLIANT director for acting camp.  He and Star Wreck are like BFFs because he knows her parents or something. Anyway, he is basically the MVP of this movie because I crack up every time he comes on screen. Also because he talks like this:

Later, all of the actors gather and he tells them that one of them will be chosen to play the leading role in A Winter’s Tale. Star Wreck is like “Well obvs it will be me because I am the best.”

Turkey

Serena arrives at archaeology camp. The professor running the program (Shohreh Aghdashloo, who can do better) shows her and the group the dig site. Serena is pumped because she is SO adventurous.

Rhode Island

Rory is in summer art class, and a total hottie strikes up a conversation with her. She is acting really spazzy, and the guy deduces that she’s nervous about drawing a naked person. But he phrases it differently.

He can be forgiven for this because he is so attractive. Rory is flustered by his hotness and his weird introduction, and then it gets even worse when she discovers that he is not a fellow student, but is the live model for her class. He disrobes, and she is like “SIX PACK ABS… AND OTHER THINGS!!!” and drops her shit all over the floor. The best thing about this scene is that when the dude starts undressing, “Suck My Kiss” starts playing. Actually, I lied. The best thing about this scene is this:

New York

Rory has called Joan to freak out about Naked Guy (Not to be confused with Marty from Gilmore Girls. Loved Marty and all, but let’s just say when the clothes come off, there’s no comparison). Joan is at her new video store job, and is wearing a silly wig. In comes Brian McBrian, who brought her a flower because it’s their 10-month anniversary.

They go to Joan’s dorm room, which is a veritable den of iniquity, festooned with stoner-y tapestries. They drink wine, he tells her he loves her, and they celebrate their anniversary by “doing it” for the first time. BTW, Brian McBrian now has six pack abs. Seriously, if the percentage of guys who had six pack abs IRL matched this movie, things would get out of control.

I have no joke to make here; I just want to reward you guys for reading this:

Afterwards, Joan starts babbling about how he should buy her chocolates and write her poetry, and he comes out of the bathroom like “Houston, we have a problem. It… broke.” He admits that his uncle gave the condom to him for graduation, two years ago. Which… ew. I don’t want to think about that too much. Joan understandably wigs out.

Vermont

It’s audition day, and Betty is making more noise than is humanly possible by just standing there and holding a broom backstage. The Mayor shushes her so that some British guy who looks like he belongs in a boy band can do his audition. Midway through, Betty “comically” accidentally makes the curtain come down on his head. She runs to help him, and they verbally spar while making googly eyes at each other.

Turkey

At the dig site, some nerd finds a human jaw and naturally Serena is like “LOLOL let’s pose for Facebook profile pics with it!” 

Later, Serena takes a break from dancing at some kind of nighttime drum circle to tell Professor about the jaw and the cute names she’s given to the skeletons (Hector and Cleo). Professor is like “Wow, you really don’t get freaked out about bones, do you?” and Serena is like “Of course not! They’ve been dead for like ever, duh-doy!” They have a conversation about how much time has to pass before it’s sad that somebody died. Serena thinks she has it all figured out, but Professor tells her she still has a lot to learn.

New York

Joan is hanging out in her dorm room and ignoring Brian McSixPack’s calls. AND Betty’s calls, which you know is going to make her set a baby on fire or something.

Rhode Island

Rory gets the pants in the mail. Serena had them last, and has thoughtfully filled the package with Turkish skeleton dust and a picture of her kissing a skull.

She goes to the studio to do some late night drawing, and sees a painting that INTRIGUES her.  OMG, it was painted by Naked Guy! He reveals that he gets naked for the art classes in exchange for using the studio at night. He’s like “I’m Leo, by the way. We never officially met.” Rory is like “I saw your penis.” She’s wearing the pants, and he says “Interesting jeans!” That’s one way of putting it. She’s all “LOLOL it’s a long story, I don’t just have terrible fashion sense” and smooth operator Leo says that maybe she can tell him about it over dinner some time. Apparently she liked what she saw, because she says “I like dinner.” This is what qualifies as flirting for super attractive people.

Vermont

Betty is gazing pensively into middle distance when British actor guy comes strolling up. He asks if she’s stalking him, and she says “Oh god, it’s you” with a hefty amount of disgust. She is a very polite person. She asks if she ruined his audition, and they playfully banter about Shakespeare for a while. He asks her if she’s auditioning for the play too.  Apparently this offends her because she makes a hasty exit.

Turkey

Serena plays soccer literally RIGHT NEXT to the dig site, which has to be against some kind of regulations. The ball flies away into a pit, and of course she ignores the Do Not Enter sign when chasing after it and promptly falls into a giant hole.

Later on, Professor scolds her about it and she makes a very unconvincing apology. Professor tells Serena some fun facts they’ve learned about the skeleton they’ve been putting together, like that she was 35 when she died of an illness, and she was a mother.  Serena is like “OMG, TRUE LIFE FACTS MOMENT. MY MOM DIED WHEN SHE WAS 35, AND OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS ALSO A MOTHER. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! SUDDENLY I AM BEGINNING TO SEE SKELETONS AS REAL PEOPLE! SAD FACE!”

Vermont

Star Wreck does her audition and Betty looks on jealously.  When she finishes, the Mayor of Portland lavishes her with praise and thanks everybody for coming. But British guy is like, “Hey wait, Betty needs to audition!” and drags her onto the stage. She babbles for a while about how she’s not an actor and gee the lights are so bright and how much she loves Shakespeare. The Mayor asks what she likes about A Winter’s Tale, and she answers by overidentifying with Perdita. I’m too much of a dumb dumb to really know what she’s talking about because I haven’t read A Winter’s Tale. But anyway, she impresses everybody with her dispassionate reading of a scene.

New York

Joan walks down the street and sees nothing but uncomfortable pregnant women and squalling infants. When she gets to work, her boss tells her that Brian McSixPack called twice. She’s like “Whatevs.” A couple comes to return some movies and she freaks out when the girl says “I think I might be a little late.” She makes up for her weird behavior by waiving their late fee.

Rhode Island

Rory is at Naked Leo’s place, and they’re cooking dinner. They make conversation about how Rory’s parents wish that she wasn’t in art school, but she doesn’t want their life. And other cliché things.

Rory looks at all the food and is like “OMG, you cook with so many colors! I noticed because I’m an artist, like you! Can I taste something?” and he’s like “That’s what she said. BTW I don’t use recipes because I am spontaneous.”

Vermont

The cast list for A Winter’s Tale is up, and Betty and Star Wreck go to check it. Star Wreck is mortified to learn that she will be playing “Dorcas.”  Which she pronounces as though it is spelled “dorkus.” Guess who Betty’s playing? Perdita, of course! Star Wreck is jelly jells, but pretends to be supportive.

New York

After passing by a couple more babies, Joan finds Brian McSixPack waiting for her at the dorm.  He tells her that he’s worried too, but they shouldn’t flip out until they know for sure. He does the whole boilerplate supportive potential father speech, but Joan is like “I WISH I COULD TAKE THE WHOLE NIGHT BACK! Also, I’m not saying that we should break up, but…”

Vermont

Betty tells her mom about the play, and her mom clearly doesn’t give a shit. She tells Betty that she should tell her friends about it but Betty is like “Ugh my friends are the worst and my life is so terrible.” She hangs up and then finds that the pants have come in the mail. Rory left a note with them saying she’d email her about the “miracle” the pants brought her. So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.

Star Wreck is like “What’s up with these pants?” but Betty is too embarrassed to explain because the pants are so stupid looking.

They go together to rehearsal, but when they get there, some lady tells them that it’s principals only today. Sucks to be you, Star Wreck.

Betty goes to sit by British Guy, and actually gives him shit about making her audition.

Turkey

Serena chit-chats with Professor, fishing for more info on Cleo the Skeleton because she is overidentifying. She asks if she can be transferred to the team digging up the skeleton instead of stuck working in the room she discovered by falling into it. Professor waxes poetic for a while about how awesome archaeology is and then tells Serena that she understands how she feels because a bunch of her family members died in a war.

New York

Joan finds that Betty has sent the pants to her, along with a note saying that nothing happened. Joan is like “Whatevs” before deciding that maybe the pants can act as some sort of sartorial morning after pill and puts them on and hops up and down, chanting “Give me a miracle!” I bet right about now she’s wishing that she was in the movie “Sisterhood of the Traveling Wire Hanger 2.”

Rory calls Joan and is like “RU ok? I haven’t heard from you! I’m coming over, can I bring anything?” and Joan is like “Pregnancy test!” Rory makes this face:

Vermont

Betty practices lines with British Guy while lying in a field at sunset, and they have a really douchey conversation about “Why don’t we talk like Shakespeare anymore? The world has become soooo dumb. Wither hast thine intelligence gone, America?” British guy gets really creepy and starts quoting that Romeo and Juliet line about how he wishes he were a glove on her hand so he could touch her face or something, which Betty of course finds irresistible.

Later on, after I’ve finished vomming, Betty and co. practice the play on stage and she is all happy because British Guy was hitting on her earlier. British Guy is so impressed by Betty’s AMAZING acting that he gets a strange feeling in his pants and forgets his lines.

Star Wreck just makes more jelly jells faces.

Some stuffy-looking dude named Nigel who has something to do with the play gives Betty a compliment and she responds by accidentally destroying part of the set.

New York

Rory brings Joan a pregnancy test and Joan is like “LOL false alarm! Painters and decorators are in!”

They go out for lunch and Joan tells Rory that she told Brian McSixPack that she wasn’t pregnant via email. Rory asks why they can’t just go back to the way things were before, but she’s like “I’m so bad at relationships b/c the Universe doesn’t want me to be happy :( :( :(”

At this point I can’t help thinking that this movie should have been called “Pretty, Upper Middle Class Girls Complain for Two Hours in Picturesque Locations.”

Turkey

Serena sees Professor hanging out with her husband and daughter and is like “Gosh, I think I should probably read all those letters my grandma wrote me.” She reads them and cries for a while. And I just want to say, the letters are really ridic. The story is that Serena’s mom was depressed and eventually killed herself, which is obviously one big frowny face. But are we really supposed to believe that a grandma was writing this to a young child?

“Dear Honeybee: Sometimes I wanna help your mom, but she thinks it’s best if I leave her alone. I hope that she will get well, and let us visit again real soon.”

Cool letter, grandma!

Serena decides to leave exotic archaeology camp early so she can go visit her grandma in Alabama.

Vermont

Betty and British Guy are discussing what to order at a café in “Shakespearean” language. Twenty minutes later, I wake up from my nap and now Betty is telling him about how her mom is pregnant. She says it’s a long story. “You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a wonderful daughter. Then the mom marries somebody else, and….”

Star Wreck interrupts their lunch and gossips with British Guy about their fancy mutual theater friends in England, trying to make Betty feel stupid like all good friends do.

Alabama

Serena meets her grandma who is fixing a car outside.  Grandma is bitchy and Serena is like “WHY DON’T YOU IMMEDIATELY LOVE ME??? I AM SO PRETTY!!!!!”

Vermont

Betty comes home to find Star Wreck getting ready for a date. Betty tells her she looks great, and asks who the lucky guy is. Star Wreck has the crazy eyes, so you know that she’s up to something. Surprise! She says British Guy asked her to dinner. Betty is like “Of course he doesn’t like me. I’m Ugly Betty and my life is hard :(” whereas she should just be pouring a beer on Star Wreck’s weave.

Alabama

Serena tries to make pleasant small talk with her grandma, but she’s like “Bitch, what is your deal? I haven’t heard from you in 12 years!” Serena is like, “My dad hid your letters because of plot contrivance. I came as soon as I found them. Give or take a trip to Turkey.” 

If this plotline sounds familiar, it’s because it is Cameron Diaz’s entire storyline in the movie In Her Shoes. I don’t know which book was written first, but methinks somebody ripped somebody off.

After Serena explains, Grandma drops the ‘tude and they start catching up. Grandma asks if Serena has a boyfriend, and then basically tells her she should sleep around now while she’s still young enough. Serena is like “LOL?” Then she sees a birdhouse and Grandma says “Oh yeah, you made that for me when you were 7.” Serena is like “I’ve been here before?” and I’m like “Were you dropped on your head at some point? You should probably remember taking a trip to Alabama at that age dummy.”

New York

Joan finds the pants stuffed in her mailbox. She had sent them to Serena in Turkey, but they got sent back because Serena isn’t there anymore. Side note: If I were one of the other girls, I would make Serena pay me all those shipping fees.

Vermont

Betty is at rehearsal, doing a scene with British Guy. She is the jelly jells one now, so she’s doing a really bad job. Because she is a professional.

Afterwards, British Guy is like “WTF is your deal?” But in a nice way. He asks if she wants to work on it with him tonight, but she says she’ll practice alone.

Rhode Island

Rory is in class, painting Naked Leo, basically living the dream. He smiles at her.

After class, he tells her that it was torture for him, because he just kept thinking about how he would rather be drawing her. Nice line! They make out a little, and then Rory heads back to class. If I was one of the other actresses in this movie, I would be really pissed that Rory was the only one who got to film the last movie in Greece, and now she gets to make out with the hottest guy.

As Rory walks to class, she is accosted by her ex-Greek boyfriend, Kostos. Or should I say, she is Akostosed? I apologize.

Kostos explains that he only married that other chick because she was pregnant, but it was super obvious to everybody that he didn’t love her. So his wife admitted that she was never actually pregnant; it was all just a plot contrivance. What a B! But seriously, this is not a thing that happens, no matter what this movie and Glee want you to think.

Anyway, he got an annulment and now he wants Rory back. Back off, Kostos! She’s moved on to hotter pastures! She tells him that she forgives him, but she’s a different person now. But as she walks away, she starts crying.

New York

Joan is having lunch with Rory’s little sister, who is in town shopping. She’s like “OMG, I love New York. So you and Brian McSixPack are splitsies now, right?” Joan is like “…I guess.” Little Sis asks if she would be mad if he was dating somebody else. Like her. GASP!

Vermont

Joan is visiting Betty and starts ranting about what a strumpet Rory’s little sister is and how dare Brian date her etc etc. Betty is really grouchy and refuses to sympathize with Joan, saying that it’s her fault for breaking up with him in the first place. Joan asks why she’s being such a jerk about it, and Betty yells at her about not keeping in touch enough.

Star Wreck comes in and when Betty introduces them, she’s like “Oh, you’re the video store girl!” Joan finds this grossly offensive and says that she has to go home and work on her script. Star Wreck is like “Oh, you’re a writer too?” and Joan hilariously sizes her up and says “Ciao!” I don’t think my recapping has adequately expressed this, but Joan is actually kind of awesome. Amber Tamblyn makes her very endearing, in a wacky sort of way.

Star Wreck doesn’t realize she’s just been dissed and says “Ciao” back.

Rhode Island

Rory is over at Naked Leo’s place again, and he has set up a romantic rooftop picnic for them with tons of candles. He tells her that she is his muse and she starts acting weird. He asks what’s up, and she deflects his question by asking him if he’s ever been in love and if he believes in soul mates. He says no, which for me would give him bonus points, but for Rory is a dealbreaker. She says she wants to be ok with that, but she’s not.

Rant time. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU RORY? KOSTOS IS A CHUMP AND THIS DUDE IS REALLY HOT AND LIKES TO COOK AND SET UP ROMANTIC PICNICS AND DID I MENTION THAT HE IS SO HOT?????? This is worse than in Letters to Juliet when Amanda Seyfried dumps Gael Garcia Bernal for that annoying blonde guy.

New York

A couple comes in to the video store and asks Joan to recommend a romantic movie, and she tells them to rent the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This really traumatizes the couple and they leave, so her boss scolds her and tells her to take the rest of the month off.

Alabama

Serena finds a picture of her mom in a prom dress, and Grandma tells a heartwarming bipolar disorder origin story about how she was sooooo excited about prom that she bought ten dresses, but then got really depressed and slept through graduation.

In the middle of the night, Serena wakes up from a dream about the night her mom killed herself and starts sobbing. Grandma comes in to comfort her and Serena starts bitching her out for not trying harder to help her. Grandma is like “Bitch please, I tried. She was sick. The end.” She tells Serena that the last time she visited, it was because her dad was trying to put her mom in a mental hospital, but she refused. Anyway, the moral of the story, according to Grandma, is that her mom would have killed herself a lot earlier if she hadn’t loved Serena so much. Sad times.

Wherever the Sisterhood Actually Comes From

Rory is back at her parents’ house getting ready to go to Joan’s parents’ anniversary party. Little Sis comes in and asks to borrow some earrings, because Brian McSixPack is coming to pick her up. Rory is like “HOLD UP. You are going to a party at Joan’s house with Brian? Are you insane?” Little Sis doesn’t get what the big deal is and says that the “don’t date your friend’s ex” rule doesn’t apply because she never got to be a part of the group. Wah wah wah. #littlesisterproblems

At the party, Joan sees Brian and Little Sis together. She is upset, of course. Brian spots her and comes over to talk. They make awkward small talk for a while, and then Little Sis sees them talking and makes a jelly jells face to rival one of Star Wreck’s.

Vermont

Betty is getting ready for dress rehearsal when her mom calls to tell her that she’s in labor. Betty is like “Oh crap, I guess I’ll come to the hospital even though I’m doing something super important” and her mom is like “No! Live your acting dreams! I don’t need you. Just wanted to keep you posted!” Betty is like “LOL ok” and calls Joan and asks her to go help her mom.

Hospital

Joan tries to dribble icewater on Betty’s mom’s face during her contractions. Seems like a good strategy.

Vermont

Betty is still sucking majorly at acting during dress rehearsal. She can’t remember her lines, and that snooty Nigel guy has to keep whispering them to her.

Hospital

Shit is getting real, childbirth-wise. Betty’s mom is like “I can’t start pushing until my husband gets here!” Not how it works, lady.

Vermont

Everybody stares at Betty like “You are the worst.”

Hospital

Joan tells Betty’s mom that they’re going to have to do this together, because Mr. Betty’s Mom isn’t going to make it on time.

Vermont

Betty is still sucking.

Hospital

The baby is born and Joan is like “OMG what a cute baby! Way to go!”

Vermont

Betty calls Joan and thanks her for helping her mom. British Guy comes up and she tells him that her mom gave birth. He congratulates her, and then she starts rambling about how she and her mom aren’t that close anymore. Totally what’s important right now, Betty. Good sense of priorities. British Guy draws some parallel to A Winter’s Tale because of course. Then he asks her out to dinner and she’s like “Nah, you probably are supposed to be boning Star Wreck tonight anyway.” He’s like “Uh… no. She’s a weirdo and begged me to go to dinner with her. But I really want to go out with you, duh-doy!”

Betty goes back in to the theater to grab her purse, and she hears Star Wreck badmouthing her to The Mayor, saying that she’s insecure and doesn’t have what it takes.

Serena’s House

Apparently after their sad conversation about her mother’s death, Serena just up and left Alabama. She comes home and sees her dad sleeping on the couch. She wakes him up and tells him that she went to see Grandma. She’s like “Sorry I was such a dick at the beginning of the movie. Grandma made me realize how much you loved Mom but that you couldn’t have saved her so now we’re cool again.” They agree to take care of each other from now on.

I don’t like these serious scenes because I can’t make fun of them without sounding like an asshole, so let’s move on.

Hospital

Joan sees Betty’s mom and Mr. Betty’s Mom lying in the bed with the baby like one big happy family and it gives her a Brian McSixPack-related sadface.

The next day, she goes to Brian’s house to have a talk. She apologizes and tries to explain why she acted like such a basket case. He tells her she needs to have more faith in people, and asks if she wants to go to breakfast. True love! Sorry, Rory’s little sister!

Vermont

Betty opens a package from Joan, and finds a DVD. It’s a video from the hospital of her mom with the baby, talking about when she was born and wishing her luck in the play. Joan cuts in at the end to tell her to break a leg. Betty is like “Finally everybody is paying attention to me and telling me how much they love me! Now I can be a true actor!”

The play starts, and of course Betty is BRILLIANT. In the background, Star Wreck has a total bitchface on. The Mayor watches and is delighted.

Backstage after the show, British Guy tells her how great she was, and they kiss.

Rory’s House

Little Sis is sobbing because Brian McSixPack got back together with Joan. She’s like “SHE DOESN’T LOVE HIM!!! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME!!!!” and Rory is like “Um, calm down, love is complicated” and Little Sis is like “HOW DARE YOU TAKE JOAN’S SIDE! I AM YOUR SISTER! THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SUPPORT ME EVEN THOUGH I AM AN IDIOT!”

Vermont

Star Wreck is like “Why haven’t you spoken to me in two weeks? Are you too big for your britches now that you’re a celebrated actress at summer camp? You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me!” Betty’s like, “Um, no. I’m not speaking to you because you’re a bitch.”

Greece

Little Sis is visiting the family, and calls Rory to tell her that she stole the pants and then they got wet so she hung them on a clothesline and they flew away in the wind.

Wherever the Sisterhood Actually Comes From

The girls hold an Emergency Pants Council. Joan is like “Your dumb harlot sister probably didn’t look for them well enough” and Serena is like “This never would have happened if you had sent the pants to me when you were supposed to, Joan” and Joan is like “How was I supposed to know you weren’t in Turkey anymore, asshole?” and Serena is like “Oh yeah, well you didn’t talk to me about your pregnancy scare” and Betty is like “WHAT????????” Trouble in Pants Paradise :(  

Betty and Serena are mad at Joan for only telling Rory, and Joan tells Betty she was going to tell her when she came to Vermont to visit, but didn’t get a chance to because Betty was acting like such a bitch. Then they all say they emailed each other about things and Betty’s like “Ugh, email sucks. Why don’t people just talk to each other like in Shakespeare times!” Ok fine, I added the last part. But you know she was thinking it.

Then somebody says my official favorite line of the movie: “Can we just focus on the pants?”

Joan says it’s a sign that the sisterhood is over. The pants brought them together, and now they’re gone. But the pants didn’t bring them together. According to the first movie, they’ve been BFFs since they were all in utero. But whatever. Rory says that she’ll go to Greece to find them.

In case you missed that, a young woman is going all the way to Greece to find an ugly pair of pants. Must be nice!

Greece

Rory arrives at her grandma’s house and asks where Little Sis is. Apparently, she ran away to Athens because she was too scared to see Rory. On account of how she lost a PAIR OF PANTS.

Betty’s House

Little Sis calls Betty to fill her in on the Kostos situation, during which explanation she says my second favorite line of the whole movie: “I never would have taken the pants if I knew what she was going through!” Betty calls over the rest of the girls and they’re like “Why didn’t Rory tell us???? What happened to our friendship??”

Greece

Rory is drawing up a “Lost Pants” sign.

She asks her grandma how to say “lost pants” in Greek, and they have a hilarious cross-cultural misunderstanding wherein her grandma explains that Greek girls don’t lose their pants.

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls have arrived in Santorini. Yes. That’s right. All four of them have now flown to Greece on a whim. Geez louise. Betty later explains that her stepdad had a ton of frequent flier miles that he donated to this worthy cause. Sure. Whatever. Moving on.

The girls ride around on mopeds “looking for the pants” but really just dicking around and enjoying the scenery. They put up hundreds of Rory’s amazing fliers.

While Rory is off somewhere else, Joan starts asking townspeople if they know Kostos, or as I will refer to him from now on, Not Leo. An old guy tells her that Not Leo went to sell his fish to a restaurant. Rory comes back, and Joan tells her that there’s a tourist who found the pants, and he’ll meet them at the restaurant.

When they reach the restaurant, Serena spots Not Leo, and they dish about how hot he is. Bitches, please. Rory comes up and is like “What’s the haps? Oh shit, there’s Not Leo! Let’s go.” The girls force her to go talk to him, like good friends.

Not Leo tells Rory that he got into the graduate program at the London School of Economics. Rory is like “Wow cool!” and he’s like “Yeah, well, it’s been real, but have a nice life. Oh, PS, there’s a full moon tonight. They call it a sailor’s moon. Maybe it will bring you good luck.”

Rory is so sad. Joan accidentally mentions that they were looking for Not Leo and Rory is like “You were planning this behind my back? WTF?” Then Serena says my third favorite line of the movie “We didn’t come to Greece just for the pants.” Rory is pissed, and everybody else tries to explain that they were only trying to help. Joan tells her to follow her heart, but she’s like “Dude, Not Leo broke the shit out of my heart. Not interested in feeling like that again for some reason…”

That night, Rory is tossing and turning in her bed and then looks and sees the full moon. She’s like “Ughhhh fine, I’ll go declare my love to Not Leo like an idiot.” She goes down to his boat in her nightgown and Not Leo is like “We are terrible at not loving each other.” Rory is like “I’m terrible at picking the right boyfriend.” Fine. I made that part up. They say sappy stuff to each other for a while longer and make out. Blah blah blah.

The next morning, everybody is so glad that Rory and Not Leo are back together, but OMG, what are they going to do about the pants? They talk about how they’ll probably never find them at this point, and then get distracted by a guy jumping off a cliff into the water.

Serena is of course like “Oh yeah, I’m going to go do that now. And so are all of you!” She and Rory go first, and Joan and Betty reluctantly follow. 

While they splash around in the water, Betty narrates that sometimes she thinks the pants got lost on purpose to bring them all together one last time. She sends us out on one final ridiculous pants quote: “As we spent those last few moments of summer looking out at the blending of sea and sky, I realized it was a color I knew very well: the softly faded essential blue of a well-worn pair of pants.”

Unfortunately, the sunset is not even blue let alone pants-colored. I never expected that this movie would end on the twist that Betty is colorblind. Was this directed by M. Night Shymalan or what?