Sunday, May 9, 2010

Kill Your Darlings

You'll never believe it, but I have a real, full length recap nearing completion that I will probably post by next weekend. I know, I know. It's been a year. But to hold you over until that one's in the can, I'm going to post another one-sided AIM recap! Only the worst movies get this treatment (see also: Only You). I rented Kill Your Darlings because Alexander Skarsgard is in it, and he's really hot and I was interested to see him play a transvestite since he is like seven feet tall and built. I didn't expect it to be good, but I also didn't expect it to be horribly, insanely bad. But it was. And without, further ado, Kill Your Darlings, as described by me to my little sister over instant message:


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amoonfellonhim: i am going to tell you the plot of this movie really quickly so you can understand how bad it was

amoonfellonhim: i forget almost all of the characters' names though

amoonfellonhim: so there's this swedish dude who takes pictures of hamburgers for a living

amoonfellonhim: we'll call him "sven"

amoonfellonhim: and he's like "I MUST FIND MY STORY SO I CAN BECOME A FAMOUS SCREENWRITER!"

amoonfellonhim: and he wants to write about suicide because he is depressed

amoonfellonhim: and one day while he's taking pictures of hamburgers this cougar named lola is like "LOLOLOL WHAT'S UP"

amoonfellonhim: and she like comes to his house and gives him a map and is like "let's go find your story!"

amoonfellonhim: and he's like "but i have to take pictures of mashed potato ice cream cones on monday!"

amoonfellonhim: and she's like "mashed potatoes?"

amoonfellonhim: and he's like "the screenwriters did a little research on food photography so i had to share this useless fact with you. isn't that neat?"

amoonfellonhim: and so they decide to drive to las vegas

amoonfellonhim: meanwhile

amoonfellonhim: dr. whatshisname is a celebrity therapist and his daughter is like "YOU DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH ME SO I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR PANTS!"

amoonfellonhim: and his manager is like "YOU NEED TO MAKE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD BECAUSE I AM A SHALLOW HOLLYWOOD TYPE AND THAT IS ALL I CARE ABOUT"

amoonfellonhim: and he's like "MY SUICIDAL PATIENTS NEED ME"

amoonfellonhim: and manager guy is like "you should make a reality show about people killing themselves"

amoonfellonhim: and then it's like alexander skarsgard and this chick are his patients and they both try to kill themselves and fail

amoonfellonhim: so they send this middle eastern gangster guy to drive them to las vegas so they can see dr. whatshisname

amoonfellonhim: and he's like "MY DEFINING TRAIT IS THAT I HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND I LOVE HER!"

amoonfellonhim: and he like handcuffs alexander skarsgard and the chick to his car or something and drives them

amoonfellonhim: but then he leaves his keys in the ignition while he's peeing on the side of the road and somebody steals the car so they have to walk for a while

amoonfellonhim: and then meanwhile "sven" and lola are like alternating between flirting with each other and fighting

amoonfellonhim: because lola is crazy and keeps doing things like stealing his wallet and spray-painting his car and tying him up in a shack in the middle of the desert and making him help her make home movies about how she wants to kill dr. whatshisface because he failed her as a therapist

amoonfellonhim: and "sven" is all the time like writing his story

amoonfellonhim: and lola keeps being like "the story is mine! i gave you all the words in it and i'll sue you!"

amoonfellonhim: and then she'll be like "lol just kidding!"

amoonfellonhim: and then she'll be like "I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT"

amoonfellonhim: and meanwhile suicidal chick is trying to make the middle eastern gangster fall in love with her

amoonfellonhim: and all of a sudden she and alexander skarsgard are inexplicably bffs

amoonfellonhim: and then they like try to steal a car at a gas station and see something about the suicide reality show in the newspaper and are like "OMG DR. WHATSHISFACE HAS BETRAYED US LET'S KILL HIM!"

amoonfellonhim: and then alexander skarsgard runs away to hide in the desert after punching the middle eastern gangster in the face for no particular reason

amoonfellonhim: and some mexican cop guy finds him on the side of the road and is like "hey little lady need some help?"

amoonfellonhim: and he like brings her doughnuts and coffee and it's like ~*~*~TRUE LOVE~**~*~~*~

amoonfellonhim: and the stupid thing is

amoonfellonhim: they keep on like trying to make us believe that people don't realize he's a tranny

amoonfellonhim: and it's like COME ON

amoonfellonhim: so anyway

amoonfellonhim: i forget how they all meet up again

amoonfellonhim: but eventually everybody makes it to vegas

amoonfellonhim: and dr. whatshisname is having moral dilemmas about his daughter and his manager and stuff

amoonfellonhim: and the daughter is like "I'M GETTING MARRIED!" and he's like "YOU'RE 14!"

amoonfellonhim: and then she calls him and is like "I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!" and he's like "NOOOOOOOOOOO"

amoonfellonhim: and then lola and "sven" go to the roof of the hotel where dr. whatshisface is staying

amoonfellonhim: and lola is like "you have to film me jumping off the roof and give it to dr. whatshisface that will show him!"

amoonfellonhim: and he's like "uh no" and destroys the tape

amoonfellonhim: and then she's like "crap" and he leaves and we never see lola again

amoonfellonhim: and then later the daughter is on the roof and dr. whatshisface is like "DON'T DO IT, SUNSHINE! I LOVE YOU I WILL FIRE MY MANAGER AND JUST BE A SIMPLE THERAPIST AGAIN"

amoonfellonhim: and she's like "oh lol ok"

amoonfellonhim: and then middle eastern gangster and other chick and alexander skarsgard all like suddenly appear and they're like "you're not such a bad guy after all if you love your daughter that much! i guess we won't kill you"

amoonfellonhim: and then everybody is happy and it's like OTHER CHICK AND MIDDLE EASTERN GANGSTER ARE IN LOVE SO SHE NO LONGER WANTS TO KILL HERSELF!

weirdly specific: omg i love when life ends up like that <3

amoonfellonhim: and then ALEXANDER SKARSGARD AND THE MEXICAN COP ARE IN LOVE SO SHE NO LONGER WANTS TO KILL HERSELF!

amoonfellonhim: and then it's like the end

amoonfellonhim: oh and then "sven" is like

amoonfellonhim: "finally i understood that lola did all that crazy shit to me so i could write my story and it was awesome lol i'm gonna write a suicide comedy and be famous"

amoonfellonhim: the end


If this recap didn't make any sense to you, don't worry. The movie actually made less sense and I tried to make it seem more like it had an actual plot. So... uh, don't watch it!

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